All cried out…

I’m sure there will be plenty more tears over N, but not anymore this morning. Why do I do this to myself? She has made it abruptly clear who she is and what she wants, why am I always so surprised?

It is soooooooooo hard to swallow. This is really it. There isn’t anything else.
So let me elaborate why I am so upset at 7am.

She just got home about 45 minutes ago. Yes, she got home at 6am.

I know it’s none of my business, we are broken up, and she can do whatever she wants.

My problem is this. Yesterday, she was hugging me and telling me how much she missed me.
Mind you the first altercation happened last week. She asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. I was actually considering going. Then I told her the only day I was free was this past Saturday. Her response, “its Halloween”. That was the end of the conversation. Yes it was Halloween, and her priority was to go hang out with friends and party it up. That is fine. But don’t tell me you miss me and you want to spend time with me. You had an opportunity to spend time with me and you made your decision. And that decision did not include me.
So after that incident I was annoyed. I’m mean this is who she is, right? So why am I surprised.
Fastforward to yesterday morning. Again, she is doing the “I miss you” thing. And me being the person I am, I say, “You can’t miss me that much, because you chose to hang out with your friends instead of going to the movies with me.” She responds with her signature dumbfounded look, “Well I had plans that day already.”

I’m glad to know where I fall in your priority list.

Then she goes on to say we can go sometime this week. Seriously? Don’t do me any favors. So I say to her, I don’t think we should, this back and forth isn’t working, and it just makes things harder. And that is the end of that conversation.

THEN

She comes home this morning at 6am. AT 6 FUCKING AM.

She has made it very clear. She doesn’t give two shits about me. I am so enraged I send her a text message when I hear her door close.

Are you just getting home? Seriously? I know it’s none of my business, but seriously?

She comes into my room and I just lose it. How can she possibly say she misses me and then stay out until 6am?? On a Monday night?? Are you doing sleepovers already? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK.

I ask her how she can at one point say she misses me and want to spend time with me and then pull some shit like that. She says she was watching football at a friend’s house and drank too much, so she slept on the floor. She says she is confused because yesterday I told her it wasn’t a good idea for us to hang out. I can’t even take that bullshit statement! I say you are an adult and you make your own decisions and this last sequence of decisions makes a few things very clear.
She can’t possibly be that stupid. I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to hangout because I am at the BOTTOM of your fucked up little priority list. I deserve better than that. Your response? Instead of trying to prove that I am at the top of your priority list you spend the night at someone’s house? Way to go there genius. You made yourself perfectly clear.
I scream and yell about not giving a fuck who her friend is that she stayed with…. That is beside the point, why would I believe anything she says anyways. I finally just say, you can do whatever you want, but please stop going back and forth with me with the “I miss you” and “let’s hangout” because CLEARLY you have made the decisions that you have made for a reason, so stop dragging me along. And that was it. End of the conversation and surprise, she had nothing to say.

You would think that I get it by now. This is it. There isn’t anything else.

I can barley take this anymore. I need to find a job in NYC like yesterday.

Patterns...

So I have been seeing my therapist since September… and maybe I give myself too much credit, but I have always thought that I am a pretty smart girl. Well, maybe I am actually smart, but clearly I am blind.

How could I have not noticed these patterns in my life? My Father, N, my friends, work…. Every aspect of my life has a similar pattern. I somehow feel some short of responsibility over someone or something and I take over. Never fear… “Getting Close to 30” is here. To the rescue again. Always picking up the pieces of someone’s shit. Or trying to glue it back together for that matter. Who is picking up my pieces? Who is worried about gluing my pieces back together? This isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame. It is about recognizing my patterns. And understanding what roll I play in this mess.

I had an “Ah-Ha” moment when I was talking to my therapist about how annoyed I was with work. I had been working like CRAZY doing someone else’s job. I rationalized it because he had other stuff to do, and didn’t have time to cover everything. But what about the other shit I had to do? Is his stuff more important than mine?? Uh, No. Again, that sense of responsibility to jump to the rescue. And what the fuck do I get out of it? Absolutely nothing. Well, that’s not true I get to feel resentful and annoyed. Sound familiar?

There really isn’t anything to say about N. It’s over. We broke up. She will never be what I am looking for. I guess it is just really hard to accept that. Well, it’s not that hard, because she hasn’t even fought for me. Not really fought for me. She’ll randomly make comments like, “I miss you”. But that is it… then she goes out with her friends and stays out until the wee hours. She even asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. I told her the only day I was available was Saturday night… she was like, “oh, that’s Halloween.” WTF does that have to do with anything?? So going out on Halloween is more important than spending time with your ex-girlfriend whom you claim you want back?? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I get it now God, she’s not the one for me. Why though? Why can’t I have someone who loves me so much that they don’t mind forfeiting club time for time with me? Why can’t I have someone who is a responsible adult who will look for a stamp on an envelope before just throwing it in the mailbox? (Long story) I want someone who is going to match my drive and ambition. Someone I can depend on, and don’t have to be a “Mom” to. I guess somewhere back deep down beneath all the anger I do kinda wish N was that person…. But then my head goes, “Uh, Hello…. WAKE UP! You deserve someone who will fight for you”.

*Sigh*

How did I get here?

No Inhibitions…

It has been a long while since I last posted.

I’m in Texas for work at the moment. This past weekend I was in Miami with CC for a mini vacation and the weekend before that I was in NYC with N.

About N… we have decided to separate for now. I don’t know where we are going, but for now we are taking a break. I love her, of course, but sometimes you have to think about what is right for both of you and not just what you “want” to happen in theory. I also started seeing a therapist since all this started. She is really making me reflect, not just about N, but about myself and why I am the way I am and what I can do to improve on me.

I get it; it is all a part of the process of growing up. But nobody told me how freaking hard it would be.

So my new goal is to live my life with no inhibitions. If I want to do something; I do it. If I want to move somewhere I am going, if I want to wear something; guess what? I’m gonna wear it. No reservations. And no clearing anything with anybody.

I had the most amazing time in Miami. Seriously, I felt like it was College spring break again (except I had more money this time!) We stayed out and partied ALL freaking night… well into the morning, then got up around 9am got dressed and laid out on the beach all day until about 6pm, then went home showered, got dressed and partied it up all over again. I can’t remember the last time I stayed out until 5am and had a BLAST the entire night. I will say that the alcohol helped- but hey, whatever works!

I am so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life; Thank you guys for your unconditional love and support.

You know it is funny that my blog is titled, “How did I get here”. Initially it meant, how did I get to this weight and how did I get into this debt. But now… it includes so much more. Seriously, how did I get here???

That’s it for now… talk to you guys again soon.

Love without instruction

This is so hard to write about.

Maybe because it makes it real, and I really have to deal with it.

Long story short, my girlfriend cheated on me. Well, has been cheating on me. Cheated sounds like it was a one time occurrence.

I found out by accident. She left her phone on my dresser, she was in the bathroom. It was beeping and vibrating. I picked it up and looked at the message. We’ll call the girl “homewrecker”. I don’t remember what it said exactly, but baby stood out. Yep, baby. So I kept scrolling through the messages. It just got worse. Homewrecker writes, “I can’t believe it’s been 6 months. My girlfriend says… wait I need to rename her. .. I’ll call her N. N says, “ u satisfy me mentally and physically”, and there is some mention of me and adultery, but then N goes on to invite the homewrecker to her aerobics class the next day.

I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach again. That sick feeling. And the fucking tears again.
Anyways.

I walked into the bathroom where N was sitting on the toilet. All I could say is, “Who the fuck is homewrecker?” She played stupid for a few minutes, but then she realized she couldn’t lie her way out of it. Just a friend from school. REALLY? A friend from school that you are FUCKING??

So that is a recap of what happened a few weeks ago.

I still can’t really verbalize how I feel. I am hurt and disappointed and sad and pissed off, but at the same time, I am mad at myself. I feel so betrayed. I can’t explain in words how much I trusted her. It was unconditional. I never for a second thought that she would be capable for something like this. I put her in another category. The- "people that would never betray their girlfriend category."

Clearly I was wrong. Really, really wrong.

Who the fuck is this person that I have been with for the last 5 years of my life??

I think the worst part for is that number 1, it was a complete surprise, but maybe more important, number 2, I was unhappy before all of this. I swept it under the rug and hung on to her promises of a better future, of things changing and because I really thought things would get better. I mean after 5 years you are bound to have some bad times right? At least that is how I rationalized my feelings.

There are so many more details that I am leaving out. Remember that big fight we had over a month ago and I blogged about it here, yeah well, this is when I told her that I was unhappy where we were and we had to change, and she told me she loved me and she would work on it. That didn’t mean shit, because she was cheating on me then too. I actually had a long conversation with my Mom because I was so torn by this fight and I remember saying to her, “when did this become so hard, when did we become so different. Sometimes I just wish she was this awful person that just cheated on me so it would be easier for me to make the decision to walk away. She really is a wonderful girlfriend- we just have communication issues.”

As stupid as it sounds, I still love her so much, and I really, really truly wish that she would be the person that I needed.

Tears again.

Of course she apologized profusely and said it was the biggest mistake of her life and she would do anything to make it right again. She sent me flowers and sent me good morning and I miss you text messages.

I moved all her stuff out of our closest and moved her into the 3rd bedroom when she was out of town.

Yes, she sent me flowers at work. But other than that she hasn’t really said a word. We have had a few conversations, me saying how could you and her saying I'm sorry, but that is it. It almost seems like she doesn’t know how to fix it, so she does nothing. Well she does something; she drinks beer and watches football in her new bedroom while I sit downstairs with G, or sit in my room alone.

I think this weekend was a wakeup call for me. We were all invited to a friend’s 30th birthday party, although I did not want to go at all, I went anyway because I didn’t want G to go alone. N was invited as well, but she went to an old co-works game night instead.

Seriously.

She asked me if I wanted to go with her and I was like, uh, no… if I go anyway it will be to our mutual friends birthday party. She asked me if I wanted her to come with me. My answer? It’s whatever. Her reasoning for going to the game night instead of spending the evening with me… she was invited to game night first.

What are you, ten?

This is exactly the shit that I am talking about. She really doesn’t fucking get it. Or maybe she does and just doesn’t give a shit.

You broke my heart. You turned our whole relationship upside down, you say you want to fix it, but instead of spending time with me you decide to go to fucking game night?? Until after midnight?? Seriously? What kind of fucked up planet do you come from?

Maybe I am crazy or high maintenance. But if it was the other way around and I cheated on her and truly did want to stay with her and try to mend the relationship I would be where ever she was. All the time.

So what now?

That is a great question.

We have 8 months left in our lease. I am going through the motions. I’m not going to start any conversations with her or complain that she isn’t showing me any attention. I shouldn’t have to give her instructions on how to love me. After 5 years, she knows who I am.

My goal and what I am praying every night for is to get a job offer in New York City (a good job offer that will allow me to live in Manhattan). I have been sending resumes like crazy. I know it is going to happen. It is just a matter of when. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Until then I am praying for that job offer as soon as heavenly possible. Feel free to keep me in your prayers.

I am a strong, beautiful, very –very determined woman. I know I will be fine, I always am.

My world has been turned upside down…

I’m not ready to write about it.

But it’s not good. I'm healthy, my family is healthy, no one is sick... but I feel broken.

I probabley won’t write for a while. Not until I can find the right words.

I don’t know when that will be.

Weigh-in Friday…

196.6lbs

I’ve attempted to write a couple of times in the last couple of days, but for one reason or another I’ve gotten sidetracked and said, “I’ll do it later”

Accountability…. I know.

Probably part of the reason I haven’t been writing as much. It’s not as fun to write about eating crap, not working out and gaining weight, oh and being broke!

I am headed back in the right direction now. I think. Or at least, I want to.

I started working out again this week after not working out for 2 weeks.

I started back with a cardio kickboxing class… that wasn’t a good idea, I about died in that damn class. I worked out again on Wednesday… (I successfully ran a mile in 10 minutes!), and I worked out again last night.

But I have to be honest, I didn’t want to do it AT ALL.

Once I was at the gym and working out I was fine, but after I left I didn’t have that high that I normally get, it was more like dread thinking about doing it again the next day.

What is that about??

I have been buying more organic foods, so that is good, but newsflash to me, just because it is organic doesn’t mean that it doesn’t count!

I don’t even wanna talk about the finances. I’ll just say this, I got paid yesterday and I’m already broke!

I hate when that happens!!

With all of my trips coming up and miscellaneous stuff here and there the money is spent before I even get it!

Oh well.

I’ll be traveling to Florida for next week work , so I’ll probably be M.I.A. again for a little bit.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Maybe a litlle melodramatic...

I think I'm over my crazy spell... at least for now! :-)

Seriously, I'm feeling much better. I just haven't had time to write because I've been working like CRAZY.

I'm actually about to go to sleep because I have to be at work at 3am. Yes, 3am.

Ugh.

Next week will be much better.

I'll have to update you on everything else later.

P.S. I weighed myself this morning... 196.8lbs. :-(
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This isn't a "cheery" post... just real life

I know we all have our days... But my days seem to have turned into weeks.

Aunt Flo is a Bitch and so is all this emotional shit that she brings with her.

I know this is all way too much information- but HELLO, a big part of blogging for me is to be able to vent.

So here goes...

My alarm woke me up at 515am this morning (I had to be at work super early). I woke up feeling really sad... Maybe I dreamed something weird (I can't remember), or maybe it was because I had a long conversation with my Mom the day before. Either way, by the time I made it into the shower I was crying uncontrollably like a complete crazy person.

I miss my family so much. I just kept thinking about how much I have missed over the ten years that I have lived here. My sister is an adult and my Mom... my Mom is Happy. I know it sounds silly and dramatic ( maybe it's the hormones) but couldn't get it together this morning.

I get it... You are suppose to grow up and leave the nest, but what do u do when the nest is so fucking far that you can only afford (afford both time off of work and the $$ to get there) to visit once, MAYBE twice a year??

It was just My Mom, My Sister and Myself for so long; We grew really close- we had too, it was the only way to come out of my parents divorce with any sanity. Of course it wasn't always pretty, but my Mom is the most amazing person in the world- as cliche as is it to say, she truly was our rock. My sister was just a baby, 7 years old, but despite all the "earthquakes" today she is this beautiful, bright eyed young lady, that always sees the best in everything and everybody. Then when I left home at 17 to go to college in the U.S., the distance brought us even closer... But it also brought a lot of tears, heartache and passport stamps. (Ergo the hysterical tears in the shower this morning)

If I'm so miserable why do I still live here??

Again, Aunt Flo makes me a little nutty and irrational once a month- So I'm not always feeling this tormented and depressed.

But to Answer the question- LIFE HAPPENED.

Things have just gotten more and more complex as the years have past and moving back home isn't as simple as buying a one way ticket.

What about My girlfriend of almost 5 years, my friends, my job, all the crap I have accumulated over the years, debts, dreams of graduate school.... The list goes on and on.

I took my depressed ass to work at 6am and worked nonstop till about lunch time, when my girlfriend called me and guessed that something was wrong by the tone of my voice. Of course, tears again.

I finally had a chance to call my Mom around 3 in the afternoon- I got a busy signal, but a few seconds later my BB was ringing and it was my Mom. After a long conversation of spilling everything and My Mom saying all the right things (and tears again) I felt better- even after the crying induced headache and working since the crack of dawn.

When I got home... My girlfriend surprised me with flowers! :-)

Very sweet.

She said she didn't want me to be sad... And she knew flowers make me happy.

Life is such a roller coaster.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Weigh-in Friday??

Ok… it’s not Friday, but I didn’t forget about it- I’m just on strike!

I’ll weight in again next Friday, I promise!


I totally forgot to mention “Julie and Julia”… the last time I wrote.

I went to go see it last weekend with H. It was SOOOOOO good! I actually went out and bought Mastering the Art of French Cooking Volume 1 and 2 the next day (don’t worry, I got it on some crazy sale- I only paid $11.99!)

You should really go see it!

Anyways…


Here are those Badgley Mischka shoes I was telling you about…

Cute right?!

Well, after doing my budget for the month this morning (which I have updated on the left sidebar), I think I’ve come back to my senses. It’s not that I don’t want those beautiful things, I do, but it doesn’t allow me to reach my goal of getting out of debt and going on all these trips at the same time.

Especially after I just made a $935 payment to pay off credit card #1 again! I used it for my work trip and some other miscellaneous shit that I probably didn’t need.

You’d think I would have learned by now.

Whatever.

It’s paid off again, and I realized how important that zero balance is to me. So no Dior glasses or Bagdley Miskcha shoes.

I have no shame is saying that I will be hitting up Canal street in NYC though! A knock off for $30 bucks sounds like a good compromise to me! Ok- definitely not knock-off shoes (EVER), but a bag and some glasses won’t hurt!

I sound shallow, but I’m really not. Material things don’t bring you happiness, I get that. But it’s all so pretty! :-)

Anywho… with that said. I am really missing my family. So the money is better spent going to see them and doing things with them at home. I’m so excited about spending Christmas with them… can’t wait!!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Long time no write...

Not blogging can mean a couple of things.

1. I'm pmsing and too bitchy to write

2. I'm up to no damn good

In this case it's both.

I'm in Texas for work again... And the expense account means eating crazy just because I can. Plus I haven't worked out since last friday (after I found out that I worked my ass off and then gained a pound)

Whatcha gonna do?

Last night after consuming 3 cosmos in the company of a few of the chefs, I ate filet migon with asparagus and had the most amazing bread pudding made with croissants, dark chocolate, and banana. Yum!

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I've been having this incredible urge to shop. With that said, I managed to get a ride to the outlet mall here yesterday. They had an Off 5th, and a Neiman Marcus Last Call.

I was in nirvana.

Ok, it wasn't exactly the newest stuff, but who cares?! I wasn't buying anything (well- a couple of shirts on sale at banana republic, but that's not the point) I found these fabulous Badgley Mischka heels- nude (with a slight pink tint) peep-toe, with a knot/bow thingy on the toe. Beautiful! (I'll post a photo later.)

That was just the beginning.

Dior Sunglasses (really cute!) for $129 (not bad, right?)

And then I made my way to the shoe department in Neiman Marcus.

Oh. My. Lord.

I didn't know I was such a label whore!

Manolo Blahnik, Louboutin, Prada, Gucci, Dior... I couldn't believe it! I saw Louboutins for $299!! They were a size 6 and I would never be able fit them (I'm a size 10)- but $299!? And Prada for $180?!

Of all the things I saw, I kinda wish I had gotten the Dior glasses.

I guess I have gotten too responsible. I couldn't bring myself to swipe my Amex (the only credit card I kept for work).

When I get back home I am going immediately to our Neiman Marcus Last Call to see what goodies I can find!

*Sigh*

I told my girlfriend yesterday, after my shopping experience, that after our Europe trip next year, I am going to continue to the save $200 a month and call it a "shopping fund".

Good idea, right??

Ok- tired of typing on my Blackberry. I'll be home on friday.

Until then!

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Weight loss challenge conclusion…

This is BULLSHIT!

193.6 lbs

Explain to me how I gained a pound?!

Total Calories out: 11,099
Total Calories in: 7,231
Calorie Deficit: 3868

1 pound= 3500 calories. TECHNICALLY, I should have lost a pound.

You think it is just simple math, calories out greater than calories in and, ta-da you loose weight!

Nope.

Yes, I know Aunt Flo is on the way, but COME ON.


Clearly Jillian is right. Hormones play a major role in your weight loss.

I’ve been reading her book, Mastering your Metabolism she talks about her own struggle with weight loss in her earlier years and what she learned from going to an endocrinologist. Basically her hormone levels were all out of whack which why she had a hard time loosing weight. Here theory is that the foods we eat and our enviorment have so much artificial crap in them that our bodies don’t know what to do with them and it throws our hormones off; which is why she is so hardcore about eating organic whenever possible.

Obviously when a woman has her menstrual cycle her hormones are thrown for a loop.

Hence the weight gain this week.

I still think it is bullshit.

Whatever.

I am not quitting. But if I don’t loose next week, I am going to be pissed.

This is Bullshit.

Weight loss challenge day 4… and day 5…

Where to start… hmmm…

Well. First I’m feeling extremely bloated. This means that b***h Aunt Flo is on her way again. This is not good for the scale.

Oh, and I know today is Weigh-in Friday, but since the weight loss challenge goes through today, I am planning to weigh myself tomorrow morning.

My beloved Angel M….to make a long story short, I did this challenge by myself. She only logged her calories for 1 ½ days and only worked out twice this week. What can I say? I can only motivate her so much. Shit, I still have to find motivation for myself! I love her dearly and of course I support her 100%, but she’ll come around when she is ready. Health and weight loss is very personal, and everyone has to make the decision on there own to commit to it.

For those of you who are new to my blog, I am not one to hold my tongue. AT ALL.

However, I’ll take my bitch factor down just a little and not yell at her…. That wouldn’t help anyways! The truth is- I can’t even complement her on trying, because she didn’t try. I am by no means perfect, and I could have done better this week myself, so it’s not about that. It just a little disappointing because I know how strong she is and how easily she could have completed the challenge if she tried. But in reality, I have been there too and I know, it doesn’t matter what anyone says. So my plan is to back off a little, but encourage her to be healthy.

So anyways…

Today is the last day of the challenge!

I have a extra challenge ahead of me this evening. I am going to dinner and a movie with H.

Yikes!

Ok, it’s not that big of a deal… but lets be real, even when you make good food choices at a restaurant, you are still not 100% sure what goes in it to create the final product. I’m gonna take my chances! I’m hitting the gym before dinner, so that should definitely help.

Oh, guess what I’m going to see?? Julie and Julia! I’m so excited. I read the book a while back, so I am looking forward to it!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!!

Weight loss challenge day 3….

Woot Woot! Only 2 days left to go!


Calories were a little bit on the high side today… 1500, but it is still within my limits. I was not feeling the gym either, but I went and did my hour of cardio. I had intended on going to kickboxing, but I got to the gym early and did my hour of cardio (elliptical 45 minutes, and stairs 15 minutes- trying to give my shins a break) and was pooped so I went home.

I’m meeting M at the gym tomorrow, so I’ll get a another good workout in.

Completely random…

Grey’s Anatomy season premier is September 24!! Woooooo! I can’t wait!

Have a good night everyone!

Weight Loss challenge Day 2…

I have ice on my shins….

It hurts. Ugh.

I guess I am running incorrectly or something. It’s weird, because when I am running or working out or whatever it doesn’t hurt, but when I stop I get these shooting pains up my shins. I iced them yesterday too, so maybe that will help a little.

We’ll see how it feels tomorrow…but don’t worry I WILL get my hour of cardio in!

I’m doing well with my calorie intake- 1450 today. I had a major sweet tooth at work today, but I made due with dry cereal, fruit loops to be exact!

I got in another hour and 15 minutes of exercise today. I did Cardio Kickboxing and then ran a mile on the treadmill (hence the ice). It was a good workout nevertheless… I burned 650 calories!

Tomorrow is day three… the week is almost over, and I am feeling GOOD!

Weight Loss challenge day 1….

Today is day one of the fitness challenge for M and I!

Wooooo Hooooooooo!

Ok, maybe it’s not that exciting, but the 5 day challenge is off to an excellent start! :-)

We are both logging our calories in sparkpeople.com and sticking to our limits.

I did Jillian’s 30 day shred DVD this morning, and I went walking/jogging with G this evening. Total about an hour and 15 minutes of exercise today… not too shabby, I’m ahead of the game!

Wish me luck at work tomorrow

Weigh-in Friday…

First I have to say I almost titled this post, “I ran 2 miles yesterday just to spite a Meat-head”…. Lol, I’ll elaborate in a minute.

Ok- down to business!

Weigh-in results are….

192.8

Woot woot! (I’m doing the happy dance in my chair at work!)

I really can’t believe that I lost this week! I honestly haven’t been trying my hardest. I work out twice this week, ate pound cake that I made for my girlfriends parents and ate potato chips for lunch a work (on multiple days).

Again…. Imagine if I really, really tried!

So, back to the Meat-head at the gym.

I met M again at the gym yesterday after work. Neither one of us was feeling it AT ALL! But we got our asses on the treadmill anyway. We started off slow walking at 3.5 for about 7 minutes… after that I convinced myself to run a mile. And I did! (go me!) Anyways, I had just finished running and I was walking to bring my heart rate down before getting into sprints when this big- no huge, buff, ripped, muscle-head douche-bag comes over to my treadmill. (Mind you, there are several treadmills free on the other end of the gym)

Douche-bag: *standing to the left of the treadmill with his arms folded across his massive cheast*
Douche-bag: Hey- uh, how much longer you gonna be on that machine? You know there is a 20 minute limit.
Me: *eyebrows raise- with a facial expression saying, SERIOULSY?*
Me: There are a couple of machines free down on the end.
Douche-bag: I need to use this machine- it is the only one that goes up to 11.0
Me: All the machines are identical?!
Douche-bag: Well, I prefer to use this one.
Me: Well, you’ll just have to wait then *Bitch smile* (you know the one I’m talking about- a grin, with a slight tilt of your head)
Douche-bag: *looks at his friend with a dumb expression like- "did she just say that to me?”*
Me: I’ll be about 15 more minutes. *and with that I put my headphones on and crank the treadmill back up to 5.8 and start running*

During this ridiculous conversation M finishes her workout on the treadmill and gets off- Meat-head continues to stand by my treadmill as someone else gets on hers.

M is so funny, she is sitting on the row machine next to my treadmill while she waits for me, and Meat-head is still standing there bitching and moaning like a 5 year old. She finally says to him, “she’ll be done in a minute.” He replies with, “What goes around comes around.” M looks at him like- WTF, and she says shaking her head, “She doesn’t even know you!”

I had no intention of running another mile, but once I starting going I was running just to spite him. I’m sorry, but there are better ways to speak to people if you want something. I can understand if all the treadmill were full and there was an actual wait, but COME ON DOUCHE-BAG, GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY!! And as G said when I told her, “Get off the steroids dude!”

Next time I see him at the gym I’ll have to thank him!! Because of him pissing me off I ran 2 miles!! Ok, I had a little break in between, but so what; I still ran 2 freaking miles!

After all of that, M and I got on the Elliptical. I think she stayed mostly just to take out some of her aggression towards the Meat-head! Haha! She only stayed for 10 minutes, but I continued for 30 minutes. Believe it or not, after that I got back on the treadmill (no, not the same one!) and ran 30 second sprints; 7.5, 8.0, 8.5, 9.0 and back down again. 9.0 is hard as hell!! I got a kick ass workout…. Thanks to the Meat-head!

While we were at the gym, M and I agreed to a weight-loss challenge. It will start on Monday and go through Friday. We both have to get a minimum of 1 hour of hardcore exercise each day and we have to count calories EVERY SINGLE DAY. I will get 1400 calories per day, and M will get 1200-1400 calories per day (because she weighs 20lbs less than me). We are also going to exchange sparkpeople.com logins and recruit our girlfriends to monitor us.

Sounds fun!

Not so much.

But I am going to do it…. What’s 5 days anyways? Wish me luck! :-)

As far as my financial diet, well, I have a lot going on. But I did get paid yesterday!

I’ve got three trips in the works; NYC in September with my girlfriend, Miami in October with cotton club, and Home for Christmas.

I setup a special “travel savings” account, just so things don’t get out of hand. I also included the trips in my forecasted budget- so it is all very doable, especially since I am using frequent flyer miles for NYC and Home!

AND

I increased my direct deposit to my Euro travel savings account to $200 a month (I was doing $150 before)! I am on a roll! I’ll be updating my financial status on the left sidebar today.

I LOVE having things to look forward too! What do you have to look forward too??

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Ugh...

I shouldn’t be blogging right now because I have a ton of work to do. I just found out some big news at work, but it means a shit-ton of work for me. I can’t really go into detail, but it is a BIG change in our business.

AND

I also found out that we supposedly have a “surprise” auditor coming tomorrow.

Not good.

Well, auditors are generally not good, but tomorrow, it is extra horrible, because my girlfriend is graduating from college tomorrow.

I am scheduled to be off tomorrow, but now I’m gonna have to come to work for a few hours and then try to escape in time to make the graduation.

It always happens like this, I go weeks without shit to do at work, bored out of my mind, and then everything comes crashing in at the wrong damn time!I mean my girlfriend is graduating tomorrow!! And let me tell you, it has been a LONG journey!! I am so proud of her though- she is the first person in her family to have a degree. This is a big freaking deal! There is no way I am going to miss it!

Ok, I have to cut my venting short…. No more time for procrastinating.

Friday Weigh-in…

195.4

Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

I super excited that I lost this week! Just imagine what would happen if I actually tried?

I didn’t eat quite as well as I should have but I did hit the gym and run outside several times this week.

On Wednesday I finally made it back to kickboxing. I loath ab workouts and strength training, so I usually leave the class when the hyper instructor tells us to get our mats and weights. This time instead of just going home after the class I hoped on the treadmill and ran an 11 minute mile! (I was trying to make up for the Lo mein I ate the night before!)

(random note: I’m getting good at my 11 minute mile! I think I am going to do one more week at 5.8 then the next week I am going to up it to 6.0 mph, which will be a 10 minute mile- wish me luck!)

Yesterday, after work M and I went to the gym for a quick cardio workout. She only had 30-45 minutes to workout so I made it worth her while! We started with running a mile… see hasn’t been running, so she ran about 5 minutes then walked at an incline. Once we were done with that we upped our incline to 5 for 1 minute then 7 for 1 minute. THEN we did sprints. Oh how I love sprints. Ugh. We did 30 second sprints with 1 minute breaks in between. We started at 7.0 mph and worked our way up in .5 increments to 8.5 then back down again. By the time we got to the last sprint we were pooped! But it was a good 40 minute workout!

I want to do better this week, so I am going to give it a shot. I’m going to do my best to record what I am eating and record my workouts as well. Cross your fingers!!

I’ve got to stop bullshitting and get rid of this weight. I’m still working on finding my happy medium, when I find it, I’ll let you know!

Have a wonderful weekend!!

Happy Monday!

Okay, I realize that today is not Monday, but today is MY Monday so….. HAPPY MONDAY! :-)

I had an awesome weekend. SATC binge with my bestest Gay boyfriend RS, and a nice relaxing, quiet Monday at home alone ALL DAY! (I love those days!)

Anyways, I don’t have much time to write today, I have mucho work to do today and I am already late getting started!

Just wanted to let you guys know that I have a new eBay listing up. Please check it out! The link is in the sidebar to the left. (or just click here) It's a Sex and the City trivia game... so much fun for any fans out there. I'm a horrible friend with a bad memory, and I bought it for RS's birthday and completely forgot that he already had it!! I already have it too, so no point in keeping it! In case you are wondering I got him this instead....

I’m gonna post some more things for sale later this week… I need to make some extra cash for our NYC trip. (Did I mention that I am also going to Miami with my Cotton Club girls?? I’ll tell you more about that later!)

Have a wonderful Tuesday everyone!

Weigh-in Friday…

196.8

I can live with that.

I’ve teetering around this number for a while… I’m kind over it now.

This week has be pretty descent as far as working out. I did Jillian’s 30 day Shred DVD on Monday morning and again Tuesday morning, then Monday evening I did the elliptical (only for 30 mins- I was feeling pitiful) Tuesday evening I did Cardio Kickboxing, then yesterday I ran a mile with G before work.

This is way too much info. But Aunt Flow has finally made her grand appearance, so I’m hoping to come back down to “normal” and get rid of this damn weight!

I’m happy to announce that my financial diet is doing better than my weight loss diet. Although, I am not going to make quite as big of a payment to credit card #5- it will still be over $1000. Which is always excellent. I’ll be updating my financial status on the left side bar at some point today.

The reason, I’m not paying as much on my credit card this month is because I am planning to take my girlfriend to NYC for her birthday at the end of September (this is also the reason I haven’t been blogging lately- looking for lodging in NYC is VERY time consuming!). The plane tickets are free (well $35 each for taxes and fees) thanks to some frequent flyer miles I forgot about. So we just have to pay for lodging and what every activities we partake in. I know it is 2 months away, but I am sooooo looking forward to it! I ♥ NYC!

In case you are wondering, my girlfriend and I made up. PMS and two very, VERY different personalities sometimes cause little earthquakes…. But nothing that we can’t fix with a little time and understanding. *sigh*

Well, I hope everyone has a fabulous Friday and a wonderful weekend!!

Operation sweat my hair out is now complete….

Yep, I went running on Saturday (ran a mile, walked 1½ miles). Then on Sunday I walked 2 miles (and got caught in torrential downpour and was soaked- further messing up my hair.)

This morning I got up a little early and did my 30 day shred DVD with Jillian Michaels. It is only a 20 minute workout- but it is pretty intense!

I wish I could report a fun and crazy weekend, but I spent most of the time fighting with my girlfriend. And I don’t really want to talk about, because I’m not sure what to say yet.

Oh wait- that’s a lie! I went to dinner with the Angels on Friday night- how could I forget! I got to se B and her little pregnant self. So freaking adorable! We chit-chatted for hours oohhing and ahhhhing over all the baby details (and of course mucho belly rubbing!).

That was the highlight of the weekend… it just went down from there.

I spent a lot of time blog surfing over the last few days, and I have found some very, very cool fashionistas blogging about everything from their careers to fashion and make-up to shoe collections and love and many other things. It kinda made me feel a little envious.

I’m absolutely in awe that there are real life Sex and the City characters that live their life like I’ve seen in movies. I’m talking bicoastal living, destination weddings, AMAZING collections of shoes, clothes, make-up and jewelry, one of a kind pets, restaurant hopping, car services… the whole nine.

The shoe wardrobes are what really got to me. We are talking hot, HOT designer shoes that I have never so much as even tried on.

These ladies really have it going on and it really makes me what to be there as well.

One day I want to be blogging about living in NYC in my awesome Chelsea apartment, with my fabulous shoe collection, amazing career, flawless body, perfectly manicured nails, loving girlfriend, amazing friends and family that visit all the time- and loving every second of it.

Until then, I’ll just have to blog about what I want…

Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with my life- flaws and all (most of the time) but a girl can’t help but dream.

Just a few things that I lust over....

Anyways, I am going to try to not wallow in self-pity and have a productive day at work. I'll dream about Prada, Valentino and Christian Louboutin- OH MY. (yes I am chanting from the wizard of oz- so what!)

I’ll be heading to the gym tonight to take out some of my frustration.

Have a wonderful Monday everyone.

“When real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep walking”

Leave it up to me to quote from Carrie Bradshaw. This is from the episode- “The Real Me” when Carrie is asked to be a “real person model” in a hot NYC fashion show. She winds up being “fashion road-kill” when she trips on her stilettos and falls face first on the runway in front of all her peers (and the annoying photographer).

Anyways- I watched this episode last night and it got me thinking.

I have to keep going. I have to pick up my ever-spreading ass off my comfy Ikea chair and get back on the bandwagon.

Shit happens.

Get over it all ready.

So tomorrow, I am going to sweat my hair out with some hardcore cardio. (I promise this time)

Wish me luck.

On a completely random note, I am SICK of staring at my weight-loss tracker every time I click on my url. So I’m moving it to the bottom of the page- at least that way it isn’t the first thing I see.

Oh I almost forgot- I have a new follower- AmericanTribal. That makes 6 followers!!
Thanks everyone for reading!

Have a FABOULUS weekend everyone.

Why do we sabotage ourselves?

I’m not sure what is going on with me lately (other than the pms), but I am feeling extremely rebellious. My life is consumed with trying to keep a healthy diet and exercise- and figuring out ways to save money and pay off my debt.

Anyways, I said all that to say- I’m not weighing in tomorrow.

I don’t care.

Ok- I do care, but I don’t care to know how much I have gained this week.

And instead of feeling bad about it, I’m just not gonna look.

I’m writing this week off all together, and I will be back in the gym on Saturday (pinkie swear!).

I don’t know how to explain it. I haven’t been to the gym at all this week- the only thing I have been doing is watching Sex and the City and eating. I’ve given in to every craving I’ve had this week- Chinese food, pizza hut pizza, twizzlers, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, mint chip ice cream, frozen Margaritas (which later turned in to shots of tequila), risotto… and the list goes on.

G asked if I wanted to go jogging with her around the neighborhood in the morning before work-My excuse; I just straightened my hair and don’t want to mess it up.

The worst part is I have no remorse for my unproductive behavior.

Whacha gonna do… shit happens.

Back to golf balls…

This is completely random, but I wanted to share. RS sent me this foward this morning. I tend to get wrapped up in miscellaneous shit… so this is one that hit home for me.

**FYI: I’m pmsing big time. I shouldn’t be allowed around other human beings- I sat in my room for the last 2 days watching seasons 1-3 of Sex and the City- the only time I left the house was to get twizzlers and ice cream. Ugh.**

**P.S. My girlfriend must really love me.**


Anyways…. Here is the forward…..


Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.


They agreed that it was…

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.


The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.


He then asked the students again if the jar was full.


They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.


Of course, the sand filled up everything else.


He asked once more if the jar was full.


The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.


The students laughed...

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.


The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your fri ends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.


'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.


The same goes for life.


If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.


Spend time with your children.


Spend time with your parents.


Visit with grandparents.


Take time to get medical checkups.


Take your spouse out to dinner.


Play another 18...


There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.


Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.


Set your priorities.


The rest is just sand.


One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.


The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Friday Weigh-In…

194.2

Boooooo!

I only lost ½ a pound!

I should have expected that though… seriously, remember the doughnuts? (and that was only the beginning!)

I have been doing pretty well as far as working-out- I have been to the gym everyday since Tuesday, and I am going to go after work today as well.

I’m getting used to pushing myself…. Like yesterday, I walked a mile at 5.0 incline then I ran a mile at 5.8 mph- then I did a set of 5 sprints at 7.0 mph, 8.0 mph and 8.5mph for 30 seconds each. I was absolutely drenched when I was done… but that is kinda the point! In a couple of weeks I’ll be running a mile with no problem then I’ll have to increase it to 2 miles!

** Completely random- but, after the gym yesterday G and I went to the movies to see “My Sisters Keeper”… Oh my GOD! We were both sobbing by the end of the movie. It was very emotionally draining… but it was a great movie. Just make sure you bring tissues if you go see it! **

I made some changes to my financial status on the sidebar-the bank is holding my ten grand, so I have to wait to pay off the two credit cards. However, I officially have my emergency fund fully funded. And I am on my way to being DEBT FREE! Woo hoooo!!

(Great thing about July is I’ll get paid THREE times instead of the normal two! That will help tremendously!)

G is going skydiving with RS tomorrow- yep I totally chickened out! I’ll be chilling at the pool with my girlfriend waiting to hear from them!

I hope everyone has an AWESOME Independence Day weekend!

Updates…

Financial diet…

Today is the last day of the month, so I thought I should update my financial status. Things turned out a little better than I had hoped because I finally go the extra 8 hours of pay for Memorial Day…. Extra money is always wonderful!!

More good news… I will have my emergency fund fully funded by pay day this Thursday.

Also, I finally took the time to consolidate some of my debt. I got a fixed rate 9.8% credit card from my credit union- so I am in the process of paying off credit card #2 and #3, since they had the highest interest rate (13.61% and 19.99%).

**random thought- I had to go to the credit union yesterday to pick up a $10,333 check (with my name on it-Holly shit!)- So that I could deposit it in my checking account and pay off my credit cards. For a second I thought about all the things I could do with the money if I just ran away. (Major shopping spree, multiple vacations… etc.) But then I decided I couldn’t run too far with 10 grand, so I just went to my bank and deposited it! lol :-)**

I have updated everything in the side bar to reflect these changes. I have some big balances to knock out now, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel so I feel good about it!

On to my “weight-loss diet”….

I haven’t been to the gym since…

…Since I don’t remember when. Let me look it up….

Okay, I haven’t been to the gym since last Wednesday.

Ugh.

That is no good!

I only had a one day weekend, and after work yesterday I was sooooo exhausted I went home and got in the bed. The gym was the last thing on my mind.

I plan on going to the gym tonight and every night for the rest of the week. So hopefully things will balance out!

I don’t want to talk about food. I have discovered something though- when I eat crap, I usually feel like crap too. I physically feel heavy and lethargic.

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now.

Whatever! Today is a new day! :-)

One last update…

I hung out with my little this past Sunday. We went to go see Transformers.

I’ll just say that it was very interesting. *Lol*

She talked a little more, but I didn’t expect too much, especially since this is our first time hanging out together. She seems to be a good kid though.

I picked her up from her house… where she lives with a shit-ton of people. Seriously. It was a full house…. The uncle, the “Dad”, 2 brothers, 2 sisters, Mom, Grandma, Great Grandma…. Only thing that was missing was a dog or two.

If anything I’m sure she was a least happy to get away for a little bit.

After the movie- I told her I was giving her homework… she has to come up with at least one activity that she wants to do with me. A little while after I dropped her off, she sent me this text message….

“I want to go to the mall”

Lol… we are going to have to work on her texting- etiquette. So I guess our next outing will be to the mall.

My kind of girl! ;-)



I hate to cut it short (you know how I love to ramble)… but I have to get back to my slave labor for the day.

I hope everyone has a fabulous Tuesday!

Friday Weigh-in

194.8

Sweet!

Slowly but surely the pounds are falling off!

After the last 2 weeks I have had, I’m a happy with this number. I am going to push to get out of the 190’s.

I think it is time for me to set a new goal.

I want to get down to 188 lbs by Friday, July 17th.

That gives me 3 weeks to loose 6.8 pounds.

I can totally attain this goal! No problem.

Before I go any further, I have to acknowledge my weakness for food. I need to understand why I binge.

Confession….

I ate not 1 doughnut, not 2 doughnut, but THREE doughnuts this morning!

Seriously? What is my deal?

I need to promise myself, that when I have a craving for something not to deny myself… because when I deny myself I do stupid shit like this!

Now that I got that off my chest I can move on towards my goal.

Happy Friday everyone! Hope you have a fabulous weekend!

Michael Jackson's music was the soundtrack to my generation...

I just wanted to pay my respects to the King of Pop...

May you rest in peace.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Skydiving….

Yes, I am volunteering for the Big Brother/Big Sister program.

Me.

Sporadic, crazy, control-freak that I am; I am volunteering to be mentor.

When the match coordinator called me to tell me that they found me a little, he told me a little be about her... she has had quite a past at such a young age. Her hobbies are talking on the phone and texting, her favorite food is hot wings, she’s an A and B student… and she is shy.

Sounds easy enough.

I met my little on Monday. She is an eleven year African-America girl, we’ll call her JJ.

Our first meeting was supervised by the match coordinator. We had to do some icebreakers and fill out an info sheet on each other. Maybe it is just the age, and the pressure of the first meeting with me. But the conversation went something like this…

Me: Are you as nervous as me?
JJ: No
Me: * nervous smile with a stupid giggle*
Me: So JJ, what do you like to do?
JJ: I don’t know
Me: Hhmm, well what do you do all day now that you are on summer break?
JJ: Nothing
Me: Do you have any hobbies?
JJ: No
Me: * nervous smile with a stupid giggle*

So maybe this will be a little tougher than I imagined! I know it will take time to develop our relationship… I just am trying to figure out what in the world to do with her!?

So at the end of our first meeting we decided I would pick her up on Sunday for us to hang out. I asked her what she wanted to do, guess what she said? Yep. I don’t know. Lol… too cute!

I sent her a text message on Tuesday (since she likes to text) saying…

“It was nice meeting u and ur Mom yesterday! Would u like 2 go 2 the movies when I pick u up on Sun.? If so, is there anything u want to see?”

Six hours later she responds with this…

“transformers”

I was literally laughing out loud.

This is going to be interesting.

I’m totally looking forward to it though. I have a feeling I am going to learn a lot from this kid!

On to Skydiving…

R, my gay boyfriend is going freaking skydiving for his birthday (which is coming up the first week of July). He has a big group of friends going. G is even going! Seriously, G is going it’s already confirmed! I kinda do want to do it, but I am TERRIFIED! I think it will be an awesome experience, especially to share with a group of great friends… but seriously? SERIOUSLY??

And of course it’s not free… it’s $139 for the jump and then $90 for the video/pictures of the jump.

So we are talking $229 to JUMP OUT OF A PLANE!

** I just spent $200 on shoes and a dress- and for the record the shoes nor the dress could possibly kill me, so I am definitely keeping them both!**

Ugh.

I. don’t. know.

I have until Tuesday to decide. Right now I don’t think I am going to do it.

What do you think? Should I jump out of a perfectly good plane with a stranger attached to my back??

We shall see!

The last week and a half….

First my birthday…

I am freaking 27 years old!!

It’s so weird. I mean I know I’m an adult (and have been for a while) but I’m soooooo close to 30! I’m not afraid of 30 or anything. I just don’t feel ready for 30. It just seems so… official. Does that make any sense?

Seriously- I have 3 more years to go, so maybe I’ll grow up in that time??

Anyways…

The beach was amazing! I know I said that already, but it really was!


We drove down on Friday Morning. I drove C’s car with C and D and my Girlfriend drove her car with G and H.

*Completely random- but my girlfriend and I do not have the same taste in music AT ALL, so it’s best that we didn’t ride 4 hours together! I’m Frank Sinatra, and Beyonce and she is Shaba Ranks and “Ghetto sing-a-longs” (as I like to call them- you know what I am talking about)*

So anyways, we got down to the beach around noon and checked in and got the keys to our beach house. The house was literally right next to the beach. We had an awesome view of the ocean from the upstairs deck and an outdoor shower…. It was really cute!

Once K and R made it to the house we grabbed some food and then headed out to the beach. It was so freaking hot! So of course we had to bring the umbrellas for the black girls (sorry if I am offending anyone! It’s a bad joke that we have… I love being in the sun. My girlfriend, G and C insist on shade-lol. FYI- I absolutely wear sun block- 70spf on my face and 45spf on the rest of me every 2 hours!) You should have seen us trying to get those damn umbrellas up! You wouldn’t think it’s that complicated! By the end of the weekend we finally had it figured out… but wind still tried to flip it up a couple of time. Too funny!

Saturday was my birthday. G and I got up and went jogging on the beach. It was actually fun and I got a good workout in. I needed that workout too because H made me a chocolate cake and it was delicious! My friends are so cute they had everything setup when we got back from the beach that morning. My girlfriend got me an awesome Polar heart rate monitor that I have been looking at. C got me Jillian’s book “Master your Metabolism” (because she’s knows I’m a little obsessed with her right now!), G got me some gardening tools (which came in handy when setting up the beach umbrellas!!) a bracelet and some cute candles, H and K and R both got me Target gift cards. They are all so sweet.

It really was a good birthday!

**until G turned into a raging pmsing monster! (Love you G!) Seriously, I was pmsing too and didn’t know it- it was just a bad combination! **

I’m going to skip over the part were I got completely trashed (by accident) on champagne and cosmos and wind up puking and crying after a game of Phase 10. I don’t remember much of it anyways!

NEXT…

After my fabulous birthday weekend I had to hop on a plane to Texas for work. It was uneventful for the most part.

***Oh- expect for this one really discussing random thing. I found out that I am grossly allergic to pears. One of the dishes we had to prepare was this poached pear salad. We had a couple of pears that we didn’t need and I was starving so I cut a couple slices off and ate while I was working. I immediately started feeling weird and oddly nauseous . I’m thinking, “oh. Shit. I can’t be allergic to pears too!” Long story short, I didn’t make it to the bathroom, so I puke into a trashcan in the empty conference room. I know, I know. That is so gross and way too much information, but I had to share because it is so freaking weird!***

****I really need to work on my random sporadic thoughts!****

Anyways… back to Texas…

I did workout in the hotel while I was there. I did an hour of Cardio on 2 out of the 4 days I was there. But I didn’t write down anything that I was eating. Better than nothing I guess!

So that is what my last week and a half was like. Another year older… and already back to work. Boo.

My Mom got back from her vacation today, so I finally got to talk to her. I seriously have the best Mom ever. :-) I can’t wait to see them.

I do have some very important news to share, but I will have to share tomorrow, because I actually have to do some work now.

It involves the Big Brother/Big Sister program and Skydiving.

And no the 2 are not related, I think you have to be 18 to jump out of a perfectly fine plane. :-)

Confessions…

First, I finally weighed myself.

197.6

no comment.

Second, I went shopping yesterday.

Shoes and a dress. (really, really cute I might add)

Third, I’ve been eating whatever I want. Like yesterday I had full fat Haagen Dazs Mint Chip Ice cream, and then I had popcorn for dinner. I’m not even going to discuss what I ate when I was out of town for work or at the beach!

I did better today. I went to the park and ran a mile and walked 2 miles then and I had Chipotle for dinner (burrito bol-yum!).

I think that is all the confessions for now.

Oh wait. And I really miss my Mom and Sister. I mean I always miss them, but I haven’t talked to my Mom all week because she is on vacation with her boyfriend. And I have been talking to my sister like everyday since she is at home by herself and that makes me miss her even more. :-( I am planning a trip to go home for Christmas, so at least I have that to look forward to. It’s funny, because no matter how old I get it never gets any easier.

I have a headache… so I’m going to cut it short. I am back to a regular work schedule next week, so I should be back to writing regularly.

Have a wonderful evening!

Weigh-in Friday??

No weigh-in today.

I'm still out of town for work.... soooo I'll have to weigh myself tomorrow morning.

I have worked out the past two days in the hotel; 1 hour cardio each day. Hopefully that will balance out the food that I have been "tasting" at work. I also got my monthly gift from Mother Nature, so I'm crossing my fingers that I haven't gained since last weigh-in. *sigh*

I'm so ready to go home.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Another year older

I wanted to write sooner, but let's just say I was majorly hung over on Monday coming home from the beach... And well sleep was more important at that moment!



Apparently at 27 I still don't know how to handle alcohol. Good thing is I only blew chunks one night, the other 2 nights I was sober (for the most part).



Other than that little episode I really had a blast. We literally laid on the beach all day for 3 days. (I'm nice and bronzed!) And the house we rented was right beside the walk way to get to the beach... Seriously like a 1 minute walk.



It was AMAZING!



On a side note, G and I had our first "fight" too. Really it was more like we were both pmsing (and didn't know it) but it's all good now. :-)



I'm posting from my blackberry because I'm in Texas for work so I'll have to share more details about the trip later.



OMG! I got my match for the Big Brother/Sister program. It should be very interesting. I'll share more later about this too.



Time for me to get back to work!



Have a wonderful day!

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Weigh-in Friday!

196lbs

Not my goal, but not bad!

I'm posting this from my blackberry- so hopefully it works!

I'm beach-bound! Have a wonderful weekend!

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Mission accomplished!!

WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

I did it! I freakin did it!

5 hours of Cardio *check*
Blog a minimum of four times this week *check*
Write down what I eat *check*

I am super proud of myself, regardless of what the scale says tomorrow morning, I did my best this week.

You guys have no idea how POOPED I am. You should have seen me at the gym last night. It literally took every ounce of strength. Plus I didn’t want to blog about being a failure, so that was motivation as well. This morning wasn’t as bad. I stayed my fat ass on the treadmill for 65 minutes. I walked at various inclines, did sets of sprints (at 8.0!), and I RAN A MILE…

Holy SHIT!

I ran a mile (at 5.8!).

I had the idea of a “Last Chance” workout in my head, and well, I just kept running. (It certainly helped that I had 8.0 marathon man and sports bra and booty shorts girl running on the treadmills beside me. What? Don’t skinny hot people make you want to at least try to keep up?) Mind you I haven’t run a mile (without breaks) in well over a year, so this is something to be excited about! The only thing is- now that I know I can do it I’ll have to do it again. Ugh. Not exactly looking forward to it, because, well I HURT.

Seriously, my legs, butt, shins and calves are throbbing just a little.

OMG, completely random thought. I will have to do another post sometime next week about all the not so nice things you see at the gym in the morning. Seriously, is it necessary to parade your old wrinkly ass around the locker room BUCK naked? I mean I know it’s a locker room and everything but there are towels and all sorts of cute cover-ups you can wear while you put on your make up and do your hair. Seriously!

Anyways,

I am happy to report that I decided that I am going to bring my workout clothes to the beach. Depending on how hung-over I am, I may try to get up early and walk/jog along the beach a couple of days.

Today is going to be hectic, but it doesn’t matter because tomorrow at 7am I will be heading to the beach!!

Have a wonderful weekend!! Talk to you guys on Tuesday when I get back! :-)

3 days left!

Well, technically I have 1.5 days left because we are leaving early Friday morning, so I won’t have time to workout then and today is almost over…so 1 ½ days left to shed these pounds.

I do have some good news to report. I got my full hour of cardio yesterday, and I did 30 minutes of weights. And I ate really well yesterday, oatmeal for breakfast, a salad with turkey and Balsamic vinaigrette, fruit for snacks throughout the day, and 2 pieces of Tilapia (about 3 oz each) and mixed veggies for dinner.

GO ME!

I have more good news to report. I got my ass up at 5:15 this morning and did 90 minutes of cardio! I burned 757 calories this morning…. Holly shit that is pretty good! I did the Elliptical for 45 minutes, and then I did the treadmill for 45 minutes. I think I am slowly becoming more fit, because I didn’t feel like I was going to die on the treadmill. I ran at 6.0 for 11 minutes (not straight through 5 minutes, then again for 6 minutes) then I walked at 3.8 at a 5.0 incline for the rest of the time. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but this is much better than what I was doing before!

GO ME!

I even wrote down what I ate yesterday and today, now I just have to log into sparkpeople.

Looks like I am on a roll! I keep telling myself that I only have 1 more day, I just have to suck it up and do it!

I’ll be heading back to the gym this evening after work for another hour of cardio. As of this morning I have a total of 3 hours of cardio in the bank. After this evening I’ll only need to squeeze in one more hour, which means I will have to get up in the morning again because I have to work late tomorrow and my best friend N is flying down tomorrow night, so I won’t really have time after work.

I actually can’t wait to get on the scale. I just know I am going to have a major loss!

Cross your fingers for me!

Four days left…

I’m back on the wagon.

For real this time.

The last few days I haven’t been doing a well as I hoped. I haven’t worked out since last Thursday. I could have gone to the gym yesterday, but I pulled weeds and clipped the bushes and gave myself a manicure instead. That means I currently have 30 minutes banked towards my 5 hours of cardio this week… 4 ½ hours of cardio remaining to reach my goal.

I know.

That is the past, and I can’t do anything about it. But these next four days I still have control over, so tonight I am going to do a full hour of cardio and I’m going to do at least 20 minutes of weights. I am going hard and heavy on fruits, veggies, healthy grains and lots of water today.

I am keeping track on one goal though… this is my second post, so I have to blog at least 2 more times in the next 4 days and I will reach that goal. Now, I just need to start paying attention to the other 2 goals that I set!

I can do this.

I guess you can tell I had a good weekend.

The cookout was awesome, we had a great turnout. I put on my best Martha Stewart Hostess face and I had a blast. There was plenty of great food and, OMG… I forgot to tell you….

My girlfriend surprised me with a brand-new grill!

At first she was against the whole thing. She said, “I don’t want a whole bunch of people in my house.” Lol… whatever.

So Sunday morning she gets up early and says she has to run an errand. I get up after she leaves and go downstairs to start cleaning up. She gets home and we are standing in the kitchen and she starts opening the blinds facing the backyard and she is just chit chatting like nothing is up and I look up and there is a brand-new shiny charcoal grill sitting in the backyard. She is so freaking cute!

I most definitely have the best girlfriend ever!

So anyways… the cookout was awesome! Lots of friends came, we ate, we drank, and we played Taboo and Spades (boo, I hate spades)… and when everyone left there wasn’t that big of a mess!

This week is going to go by super fast because I have so much to do before we go.

AND

I am so excited and looking forward to this weekend!

One of my best friends from high school, I’ll call her N, is flying down on Thursday night to go with us to the beach. C and I haven’t seen her for 5 years! She is in the Air force and she has been stationed overseas for most of that time. I can’t wait to see her!! It brings back so many good memories. N and C and I were attached at the hip for most of junior and senior year of high school. I also think it’s cool because my girlfriend and G get to meet her… nothing like all my worlds colliding. H has already met her, back when we were in college. Two other friends are coming too, K and R…. they are another lesbian couple that came with us to the beach last year. They all mean so much to me, so it’s nice to have them all together!

I am sooooo ready for the beach; I am in need of some major relaxing beach time.

Until then, I am going to work hard at losing these last 7 pounds.

Wish me luck!

Where did my motivation go?

I have 6 days before I have to weigh in again…. and 3 simple rules to follow, I can do this!

I have to be honest; it hasn’t started off all that great. I soooooo did not what to workout yesterday, but I did. I only did 30 minutes on the elliptical though, but I guess that is better than nothing at all.

I wonder where my motivation went??

I didn’t eat too bad yesterday, but I didn’t write down what I ate yesterday until this morning, so I’m sure I forgot something. And I’m guessing my portion size at dinner was too large…but it was good! I had Black beans with brown rice and grilled shrimp.

After I post this I am going to log my calories for yesterday on sparkpeople. I have got to get my shit together!

I doubt I am going to have time to workout today… depends on what time I get off. Plus, I have a birthday party to go with my favorite Gay boys. I’m giving myself a 2 drink max… and I am going to try to eat light but load up on fruits and veggies.

I have to lose this week!!

Weigh-in Friday!

No good news today…

199.2

Which means I gained about 1 ½ pounds.

What the hell am I doing? I am so close to my birthday goal weight and I am f**king it up!

What did I do wrong this week?

Well, for starters I haven’t been blogging as much, and I haven’t been consistently writing down what I am eating. Not to mention last weekend at the cookout were I ate 2 hamburgers, a hotdog, pasta salad and lasagna all in a 24 hour period. Or how about when I ate popeyes the other day and didn’t blog about it??

One thing I will say is this blog forces me to be accountable.

Okay, I am a grown ass adult trying to loose weight and I know what I need to do. I shouldn’t need a cyberspace dairy to keep me on track.

I wish it was that simple!

I seriously considered lying about my weight today… lol. Ok that would be stupid and only hurt me, but I want to do well, especially when I know people are watching.

I kinda knew a gain was coming; I even worked out twice yesterday, once at 7am and again after work, hoping that would help. I guess I should have thought about that earlier in the week!

Sooooo, I need to make some changes this week…

1. I need to write down everything I consume (how else will I know how many calories I am taking it??)
2. I need to try to blog at least 4 out of the 7 days. It will make me reflect on how I am doing.
3. WORKOUT! I need to get in a minimum of 5 hours of Cardio this week.


Seems easy enough. Lol

I’m not giving up on my birthday goal yet. I know 7 pounds is a lot to lose is a week, but that doesn’t mean it is not doable.

So, the first challenge will be this weekend- we are having a cookout at the house.

I know what you are thinking… “A cookout? Look what happened at the last cookout!” Is that going to allow you to say under 1200 calories for the day??

I don’t see why not. I am doing all the cooking, so I know what ingredients are being used. I am buying whole wheat hamburger/hotdog buns and I am making turkey burgers, black bean burgers, and pasta salad. I’ll have to take it easy on the pasta salad and the beer, but other than that I think I will be just fine.

Wish me luck…

…and have a wonderful weekend!

What a weekend!

I had so much fun this weekend; I don’t even know where to start!

C and I drove to another state 3 ½ hours away to go to a cookout with a bunch of friends from high school. The cookout was at A’s parents house. We grew up hanging out at their house so it was very fitting. There had to be at least 30-40 people there. I still can’t believe that it has been 10 years since we graduated from high school. The funny thing is we are all still very much the same.

There were 5 girls (including me and C) from Cotton Club. Yes we are almost 30 and we still claim our “gang”! It is pretty funny, I must admit- but it has kept us close all these years.

So the highlight of the weekend was our bright Idea to get “CC” (for cotton club) tattooed on our right hip.

Yep, we really got a tattoo.


Hahahaha… I’m still laughing about it!

We are officially stuck together forever…. And now there is proof!

Yesterday I spent my day lounging out by the pool. I love this weather… blue skies and the bright sun, nothing beats it.

G, my girlfriend and I are planning on having a cookout at our house this Sunday. Nothing fancy, just a bunch of friends coming over for some hamburgers and hotdogs. I’m looking forward to it!

I am going to be working out hardcore this week, I need to reach my birthday goal… and it is coming up quick!

Weigh-in Friday!

197.8

Not to shabby! I was a little nervous about weigh in yesterday, so I went to the gym after work, even though I got off late. I didn’t get home until almost 10pm… but I’m guessing burning those 700 calories helped (30 minutes elliptical, and 35 minutes on the treadmill power walk/run)! :-)

FYI- I am in much, much better spirits today. The last few days I have been overly bitter and angry for no apparent reason. Glad that is over!

Tomorrow morning C and I are driving to another state about 3 hours away for a semi-high school reunion. (I still can’t believe it has been 10 freakin’ years since we gradated high school!)Two of my best guy friends from high school recently got engaged, and one of them is returning to South Africa on Monday (He lives there- believe it or not he is a part of a missionary!), so it is kinda a celebration/see you soon/reconnect BBQ. I’m really looking forward to it!

Today is a busy day at work, so I have to cut it short. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Blah

That is how I feel today. Just blah.

I totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. My alarm on my brand new BB Curve that my girlfriend bought me like 3 weeks ago decided not to work this morning. The alarm went off, but apparently the ringer wasn’t working so there wasn’t any sound. I just happen to wake up at 8am and I am supposed to leave the house by 8:15am. My phone did this once before, but I just turned it off and turned it back on and it was fine.

Stupid fucking phone.

Anyways, that just started me off in a pissy mood. Then I get to work and it is just one thing after another. I hate when people ask me the same fucking question every single week. This Indian chick with a really thick accent asks me every Tuesday if I have an override card for the time clock and every single time she is like, “NO… Vhy not?” Did I have a fucking override card last week when you asked me?? No. So what makes you think this week is different??

Ok. I’m going to go sit in a corner and count to 10.

Maybe that will help.

Good news though, being in this mood makes me want to go to the gym and work out hardcore to my “angry” music. Lol….. System of the Down, Chop Suey is a good one to start with.

Tomorrow will be better.

Friday Weigh-in

OMG! OMG! OMG!




Seriously?! I lost 4 pounds and I am UNDER 200 pounds. Holy Shit! I didn’t believe it at first, I weighed myself like 4 times and then finally grabbed my phone and took a picture for proof!

I have 3 weeks to lose 7.2 pounds. Easy! Okay maybe not easy, but with this milestone I have the motivation to reach my birthday goal!

Today is going to be a f**king awesome day!!

Pay day!

First, I did make it home yesterday evening and I didn’t even have to use my last $2 for a gallon of gas. My gas light was on when I got home- but hey I made it!

Thank God today is payday!

There isn’t much to update on my finances, I only had $100 left over to put towards credit card #3, but hey that is better than nothing.

Normally I would have more cash available to pay down my debts, but this month I wanted to start replenishing my savings account and save some money for my birthday.

I have 2 savings accounts, one for an emergency fund that I am not suppose to touch (unless it’s an emergency), and the second specifically for our Euro trip next year.

Savings account #1 has $450.01
Savings account #2 has $1332.71
Total: $1,782.72

I keep thinking, “Well I almost have two grand saved, so I’m not going to worry about having a $1000 emergency fund.”

I really need to change my thinking. Savings account #2 has a specific purpose, so I really do need to have $1000 in Savings account #1.

The reason this came up is because when I went to the dentist last week, I was told that I need to do a deep cleaning (root planning and scaling) and I just found out that my insurance doesn’t cover most of it, so I would get stuck with like a $600 bill. My first thought was, well I’ll just put it on my $0 balance credit card and then pay it off quickly.

But you know what? NO!

I’m not doing that anymore! I have to stop thinking that way; otherwise, I’ll never break the cycle.

So anyways, my current mission is to add $550 to Savings account #1 a little bit at a time. I redid my budget and I should have it up to $1000 by July 2nd.

This financial diet stuff gets complicated from time to time! I feel good about where I am though. Having a plan and a good budget really helps. Of course, it’s not always perfect 100% of the time, but I can make changes when I need to and I see how it affects things in the long run.

FYI…
I think I have lost the Popeye’s craving! I listened to Jillian’s latest podcast this morning on the way to work and she was talking to Helen the season 7 winner of Biggest Loser. Helen lost 140 pounds!! She is a freaking size 2!! Holy shit! If that isn’t motivation, I don’t know what is!

My internal battle

I really want some Popeye’s. You know- the greasy spicy fried chicken with yummy sides like seasoned fries, dirty rice, red beans and rice and fattening buttery biscuits.



TMI- but I finally started my period after what seems like 2 weeks of PMSing. This could be the cause of my fried chicken battle.

Believe or not, I actually worked out yesterday. I went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the treadmill doing walk/run intervals. I was thinking about chicken the whole time.

I haven’t caved yet, but I have a feeling that I might. Honestly the only reason why I haven’t gotten any Popeye’s yet is because I am completely broke until pay day tomorrow. I have $2.39 in my checking account and I have less than a quarter tank of gas in my car and I still need to make it home from work tonight. My job is about 25 miles from my house. That means I am going to spend my last two dollars on a gallon of gas.

I brought this on myself.

I spent $8.46 at blockbuster 2 days ago knowing I was going to need gas before I got paid this week.

What?

I realized I hadn’t seen season 1, 2 or 3 of Grey’s Anatomy. So I spent the $8.46 to rent season 1. I could have watched it on the internet for free, but it was super annoying because it kept freezing.

Right. Good move genius.

So hopefully a gallon of gas will be enough for me to make it home. Good thing I have a small, fuel efficient car. lol

What a weekend!

Even though I had to work on Saturday AND Sunday I actually had a really good weekend.

I got to spend Saturday night all dressed up with my favorite gay boys (and my bff and girlfriend of course). Now that I think about it, I didn’t even mention them the other day when I did the whole run down of my friends.

So here is a quick summary…. RS is the center of my gay boy universe (well one side of it anyways). He is the cutest little El Salvadorian Queer you have ever seen! RS and I met when we worked together at Enterprise (make-you-wanna-slit-your-wrists) rent-a-car. Our friendship flourished when I finally came out to him 5 years ago. He is colorful and bubbly and the life of every party. He is totally my Carrie (Carrie from Sex and the City- DUUHH!) You never know what he is going to wear next, but he always pulls it off! RS is the center because has introduced me to all his friends and they have also become mine.

So the party Saturday was A’s (a friend I met through RS) 35th birthday party. When I say fabulous I mean… seriously fabulous! I’m talking velvet rope, red carpet and a hot chic at the door with a guest list! Nobody does a party like the gay boys.

G and I got all dressed up. (A asked in his Evite that the ladies wear dresses) I wore a black v-neck flowy dress with black strappy sandals with a big flower on them and a turquoise clutch. G wore a pretty fuchsia colored halter dress with nude open toe heels. My girlfriend was super cute (although, I couldn’t convince her to wear a dress- she’s not a dress kinda girl!) with white pants, nude cowboy boots and a turquoise Wrangler button down. (We totally matched with my turquoise clutch and her shirt- how gay, I know!)

You should have saw RS- so cute in his Banana Republic cream suit and bow-tie!

We drank, danced, mingled and chit-chatted all night. You would have been so proud of me… although I had 2 cranberry and vodkas and a glass of champagne, I did not touch any of the food or the chocolate cake with poured chocolate icing! And you know chocolate cake is my weakness!!

This is going to sound horrible, but there was this- well kind “thick” girl hovering over the food table for a good part of the evening. She was part of my motivation; I didn’t want to be her. Plus cranberry juice has a lot of calories and I ate before I left. I wasn’t hungry- go figure, who knew it was that simple.

I have to say the highlight of the night was watching the sloppy drunk, barefoot, heterosexual, older nurses and young Nordstrom shoe department girls strut down the staircase in front of a room full of beautiful gay boys claiming to be Pussycat Dolls and then proceed to grind on the Gay birthday boy and sing a drunken happy birthday. Priceless!