Thursday, May 26, 2011

I’m an addict.

(I can’t remember the last time I have posted twice in one day, but this is important, so I must share.)

I’ve tossed that word around over the years, but it wasn’t until just now when I read this post from Elle at a Prior Fat Girl that I realized that it could actually be true.

I had to google it just to be certain, but sure enough this pops up on wikipedia:
Compulsive overeating, also sometimes called food addiction, is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship to food. Professionals address this with either a behavior-modification model or a food-addiction model.[1] An individual suffering from compulsive overeating disorder engages in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression. Unlike individuals with bulimia, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their binging with purging behaviors such as fasting, laxative use or vomiting. Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry. Their obsession is demonstrated in that they spend excessive amounts of time and thought devoted to food, and secretly plan or fantasize about eating alone. Compulsive overeating usually leads to weight gain and obesity, but not everyone who is obese is also a compulsive overeater. While compulsive overeaters tend to be overweight or obese, persons of normal or average weight can also be affected.
“Addiction can also be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it.”
I may not be morbidly obese like the woman in Elle’s story, and I may not be as extreme as the wikipedia definition, but I absolutely have the same problem.

I lie about food.
I hide and sneak food.
I binge on food, even when I’m not hungry per se, it’s more so just trying to feed the deprivation that I create in my mind after a period of ‘being good’.

I literally have tears rolling down my cheeks.

J is going to kill me, she doesn’t know about this. But I have to write it.

Just last week I ate McDonald's. In my car. In the parking lot at work. And I didn’t tell anyone about it. No one. Sat in my car and ate alone. Ten piece nuggets, cheeseburger, medium fries and a coke. I ate every last bite and then disposed of the evidence in the dumpster after double checking my car to make sure a lone fry or any other remnants wasn’t left in my car for J to see.

I am ashamed and don’t want her to know that despite all my efforts food still won.

And it’s not the first time.

Although, it’s definitely been a quite while. I was doing well when I was working out with my trainer, but the moment I stopped and life started happening again, all those old feelings came bubbling back up like the acid reflux I have been experiencing, the idea that- I’m not allowed to eat anything – and I’m never going to reach my goal weight.

Is it just about sabotaging myself because I don’t think I can do it? Or because I don’t trust myself?

Or maybe I feel out of control, so I control what I want to eat when I want to eat it regardless of its effect on my body and emotional state?

I understand that this is ridiculous because the reason I don’t eat that crap is because it’s not good for me and I want to be healthy, not because I can’t have it. But really, practically on some real-life shit, I still crave things that aren’t good for me.

There are definitely times when I am doing ‘good’ and I’m craving healthy foods and strenuous workouts, but there are those other times when I want to binge on all the things I can’t have, and when I eventually do give in, I feel guilty and hopeless.

I don’t know how to fix it.

I want to be healthy.

I don’t want to EVER have to hide food.

I am ashamed and disappointed… and a little sad.

So at the end of all this, the crying and the feeling ashamed, it does make me want to be better and fight harder and be my own motivation, but what scares me is what happens when that runs out and I’m back to the core of a binge eater. How do I change that part of me? How do I really truly make a lifestyle change? Is it realistic to never, ever eat pasta again, or bread…. Or a cupcake. Is that just it? I’m not responsible enough to have it?

Maybe I need to go back to something like weight watchers and relearn that it’s ok to eat the things I want, but only in moderation?

I’m a smart girl and I understand that you have to eat less and work out more to loose weight…but somewhere there is a disconnect.

Something has got to give.

Just to clarify, I didn’t intend for this to be a ‘woe-is-me’ post. Reading Elle’s story really shook me and made me what to acknowledge that I’m no different than that lady buying two dozen deviled eggs for a "party". As much as I want to separate myself, I can’t. It also made me realize that I DO NOT WAN TO BE THAT GIRL.

So I won’t.

I will let go of the guilt that surrounds food. I will workout hard but I will not deprive myself. I will learn moderation even if it means starting over again with a tool like Weight Watchers. I trust myself and I don’t need french fries to make me feel like I can ‘have things’… because at the end of the day I get to have a healthy mind and body.

Thanks for listening.

Side note for Mom:
I’m ok Mom, I promise... thanks to you I am a strong woman and even though this is hard and it sucks big fat asscakes, it’ll all work out to be perfectly fine. HDGDL

Side note for J:
I confessed my sin; please don’t give me the eyes of disappointment when I get home. Love you.


It's not Friday yet...

I have soooo many things I want to talk about.

First that I really, really miss G who is out in the middle of no where serving in the Peace Corps, and How J and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary in Miami during a big lezzie pride weekend 2 weeks ago, and the wonderful weekend we had in NYC as I accompanied J to a career changing and inspiring workshop this past weekend. 


But, the number one thing is how I am beginning to absolutely despise my job.

Ok, not really my job, more so just my dick-head boss.

Ok, maybe my job too.

Any who...I'd love to elaborate on all these things, but I am literally looking for jobs as I type this and also working on another little project for my side business.

Sooooo I'll get into that more later.

On another note...

Here's a little something that kinda made my day this morning....

It's not a huge drop in fact it is tini-tiny considering the last time I weighed myself... but with the rate that things have been going, I'm happy with this number.

No, I don't want to talk about the drinks in Miami, or the Chinese food, pizza, hot dogs and more in New York, or the fact that I have only workedout twice in the last 2 weeks.

Why is it so hard this time?!

I think it may be time to join LA Fitness again. I keep going back and forth with this. I have a gym in my apartment community, but it's nothing special (2 treadmills, an elliptical and weights) and it takes a shit-ton of motivation to get me there because it's sooooo boring. If I have my gym clothes in the car and I'm paying LA Fitness 30 bucks a month, I should have a tad bit more motivation, no? Or is this just another cop-out excuse to blow some money?

Don't know, but I shall keep you posted on what I decided.

Have a wonderful day.... I'll be back very soon :-)


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

She “Put a Ring on It” :-)

Annnnnnnnnnddddddddddd.... a month later I’m back! And with the big news that I was supposed to share ‘tomorrow’… oops, sorry! :-/ Family was in town, work, out of town, work... one thing after another and no time to blog, and then when I had time the blogger was down... wtf...

So anyways… here’s the big news….

My girlfriend "liked it" soooooo.... she “Put a Ring on It” !! :-)  *doing the single ladies dance*

I should say that it is not an engagement ring…. It is a commitment ring, but I’m wearing it on my left hand. Everyday.

Fucking lesbians.


Of course there’s the whole background story too…

*warning* gushy, mushy, cheesy love story ahead :-)

She emailed my sister on facebook and got my Mom’s info to email her a picture of the ring. (How cute right!? <3) She said she wanted to include them in the whole commitment ring thing since they were going to be in town and because chances are they won’t be here when we actually get engaged. She told them that she loved me and she knew she wanted to spend her life with me and that she wanted to give me the ring as a promise to me, and to us and to them. So everybody knew about the ring except for me! <3

After dinner with my family for my sister’s birthday celebration, she asked if I wanted to sit outside and chat with her for a little bit before I went in, we chatted a little bit and she said had something for me at her house and she wanted to run and get it really quick. I rode with her since she only lives like 3 minutes away.

**A little side note, things were a little tense because we hadn't been spending much time together. She felt a little neglected and I felt overwhelmed. With my family in town, we didn’t have as much time to just talk and be... of course it was perfectly fine and understandable because it's my family from thousands of miles away whom I love millions and billions and hardly ever see, so she understood, but it was still an adjustment to go from always being available to each other to working time in between site seeing and traveling with the fam.**

So with that said... I was already a little on edge and emotional.... then when we got to her house she gave me the cute little gift bag and card. First I read the card, and immediately busted out into tears. It was so sweet and loving and exactly what I needed. Then the gift bag... I was wondering what it was, but I assumed it was some of my favorite colorful jewelry from Target or some other little memento of her love… but it was oddly heavy. Then I saw the JARED BOX and cried a little more, ok a whole lot more. It’s such a beautiful ring…. I love love looooooooove it.

I know it shows silly because I know she loves me, but there was a sense of relief that came over me…. Like she really wants me, like for real, like really, it’s not just talking. I know a lot of people don’t understand the whole commitment ring thing, but it is absolutely the sweetest thing anyone has ever done. I know it is just a piece of jewelry, but it means so much more than that, just the gesture and the meaning behind it. I’m so in love with her and I’m really REALLY grateful to have found someone who loves as hard as I do, and who thinks about the details and wants the same things and is not afraid of being vulnerable.

Oh did I mention that I gave her a ring too?? :-) It was a few weeks after I got mine; I really wanted her to have one too... so my sister and I shopped around for a while and I finally settled on one from Jared too.

Here’s both the rings…

J's on the left.... mine on the right <3

I’m so in love and I’m soooo happy to be in a relationship with someone that puts as much effort into this as I do.

She never ceases to amaze me. <3


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