Definitely still obese...

Ok. Today was my first WW weigh-in.

220 pounds

That means I lost .2 pounds.

.2 pounds.

(point) 2 fucking pounds.

J lost 2.8 pounds.

Do I need to say how angry I am?

I lived that fucking plan all week long. To the T... well, until Friday night, which is a mistake. But still. I lived the plan. I did everything. and I worked out. and I lost .2 pounds.

So note to self: don't eat at all (like nothing) and spend 2-3 hours at the gym doing hardcore cardio. Then you might loose 2 or 3 pounds. This is bullshit.

No I am not giving up. But I need to figure out a way to not obsess over everything and just eat healthy and get really good workouts in. Why does it feel so hard this time.

fml

blah.

If I don't lose 5 pounds by next Saturday's weigh-in I'm going to start puking after my meals and spending the night at the gym.

Joking.

But seriously, I must get my shit together asap. I refuse to be fat and 30.



xoxo,

Such a Pretty Face…

Yes… this is another Fat blog.

You know, one of those blogs where the writer complains about her weight and other people’s reaction to her ‘thickness’.

I am so sick of people saying I have such a “pretty face”. Do you not understand that I take that as an insult? It’s like saying, your face is pretty, but DAMN the rest of you is fucked up!

Ok, so maybe that is just me projecting, but really people, you can’t possibly think that that is a compliment. Really, I wish people would just stop. Just don’t say anything if that is all you have to say. How about, you look nice today, or, you look beautiful…. Or gosh, you are one stunning lady. Not… hmm, you have such a beautiful face.. then look at the rest of me like, “such a shame.”

Again, I may very well be projecting, but it pissed me off today. As I was lounging at the pool talking about how I wanted to be as small as I was last year… the young lady decided to tell me that I had a beautiful face, great boobs and my arms weren’t fat at all… and oh, and you’re light skinned.

Huh?!

Insert angry “light-skinned” lady here.

I feel angry and sad… and pissed. I know I am a beautiful person, but I’m not happy in my skin right now. As much as I want to lose weight, I’m not trying. And as much as I hate my body, I’m still eating and not working out nearly as much as I need to.

I’m frustrated and angry. Mostly at myself.

Hopefully I’ll come to and get it together soon . I don’t know how much longer I can allow my ass to expand.

Sorry for the angry post… but this is my life.

Maybe it’ll change soon.
 
xoxo,

Another year older, another year wiser?

Happy 29th birthday to me!

I’m going to have to change my name soon, “Getting Close to 30” will need to be “Getting really, really close to 30”... lol

It wound up being an amazing birthday… but it started out a little rocky.

J and I were the first ones at my roof top party and we sat and sat waiting for people to show up for a good hour before anyone got there. I felt like Carrie in the season 4 opener, “The Agony and the ‘Ex’-tasy” where Carrie is sits at the restaurant alone on her 35th birthday waiting for her friends that never show up.

“The longer I sat a that table the more alone I felt and it really hit me, I’m 35 and alone”

It was depressing and made me feel like I don’t have any friends. Which is ridiculous and of course it is different because I was with my soulmate, so I wasn’t alone… but it still hurt that no one was there. I was really, really upset… like tears upset. Part of me was angry at J… I guess I wanted to blame her for not making sure people were there ahead of time, but the reality is it’s not her fault people were 2-3 hours late. Part of me wonders if I made the mistake of alienating myself in this relationship. Have I shunned my friends? Is that why they weren’t there? Am I a bad friend?

So maybe I’ll try to reach out a little more because I don’t wanna be that girl….you know the girl that is only friends with her partner and her friends. I honestly don't think I am that girl now... but just to be certain, it may be time to schedule a girls night.

Someone said to me (when I was furiously texting on the roof top complaining) that I should be happy because I have what most people want… a diamond ring and a woman that loves me. :-) Very True.

Anyways… the birthday celebration did get better, I got some very, very delicious cupcakes and J got me tickets to see Rihanna for her LOUD tour…. Yaaaaay!! :-)

The days following I sizzled in the sun with friends, drank entirely too much liquor and spent 13 hours glued in front of the television. Yes, I said 13 hours. In the end everything turned out great.

So another birthday has come and gone and I am excited about where 29 will take me.

xoxo,

It's not Friday yet...

I have soooo many things I want to talk about.

First that I really, really miss G who is out in the middle of no where serving in the Peace Corps, and How J and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary in Miami during a big lezzie pride weekend 2 weeks ago, and the wonderful weekend we had in NYC as I accompanied J to a career changing and inspiring workshop this past weekend. 

(breathe)

But, the number one thing is how I am beginning to absolutely despise my job.

Ok, not really my job, more so just my dick-head boss.

Ok, maybe my job too.

Any who...I'd love to elaborate on all these things, but I am literally looking for jobs as I type this and also working on another little project for my side business.

Sooooo I'll get into that more later.

On another note...

Here's a little something that kinda made my day this morning....

It's not a huge drop in fact it is tini-tiny considering the last time I weighed myself... but with the rate that things have been going, I'm happy with this number.

No, I don't want to talk about the drinks in Miami, or the Chinese food, pizza, hot dogs and more in New York, or the fact that I have only workedout twice in the last 2 weeks.

Why is it so hard this time?!

I think it may be time to join LA Fitness again. I keep going back and forth with this. I have a gym in my apartment community, but it's nothing special (2 treadmills, an elliptical and weights) and it takes a shit-ton of motivation to get me there because it's sooooo boring. If I have my gym clothes in the car and I'm paying LA Fitness 30 bucks a month, I should have a tad bit more motivation, no? Or is this just another cop-out excuse to blow some money?

Don't know, but I shall keep you posted on what I decided.

Have a wonderful day.... I'll be back very soon :-)


xoxo,

Woe is me…

In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t weigh myself yesterday.

2 reasons for that… I was afraid I gained and my scale is going bonkers.

But mostly I just didn’t want to know.

I had a horrible week working out… not so bad on the food because I haven’t had much of an appetite at all… but still, I know my body and I need a good workout.

So blah, blah, blah… woe is me… blah, blah blah….

I don’t feel good on the inside… I’m struggling MAJORLY with my hair. I don’t think that I have mentioned but I am in the process of going natural… it’s been over a year and the only time I am actually happy with my hair is when I get it straightened. *sigh*

I know it’s dumb… but between the nappy hair and the big ass I still haven’t been able to get a handle on my motivation.

I took the time to watch some you tube videos about transition to natural hair… so I have a couple ideas on things to try… maybe if I feel better about the way that I look I’ll be more motivated to treat my body better.

Anywho… enough of the sob story… I’m going to Wal-Mart to buy a new scale, so I will resume weigh-ins this coming Friday.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.


xoxo,