Showing posts with label Life questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life questions. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Another year older, another year wiser?

Happy 29th birthday to me!


I’m going to have to change my name soon, “Getting Close to 30” will need to be “Getting really, really close to 30”... lol

It wound up being an amazing birthday… but it started out a little rocky.

J and I were the first ones at my roof top party and we sat and sat waiting for people to show up for a good hour before anyone got there. I felt like Carrie in the season 4 opener, “The Agony and the ‘Ex’-tasy” where Carrie is sits at the restaurant alone on her 35th birthday waiting for her friends that never show up.
“The longer I sat a that table the more alone I felt and it really hit me, I’m 35 and alone”
It was depressing and made me feel like I don’t have any friends. Which is ridiculous and of course it is different because I was with my soulmate, so I wasn’t alone… but it still hurt that no one was there. I was really, really upset… like tears upset. Part of me was angry at J… I guess I wanted to blame her for not making sure people were there ahead of time, but the reality is it’s not her fault people were 2-3 hours late. Part of me wonders if I made the mistake of alienating myself in this relationship. Have I shunned my friends? Is that why they weren’t there? Am I a bad friend?

So maybe I’ll try to reach out a little more because I don’t wanna be that girl….you know the girl that is only friends with her partner and her friends. I honestly don't think I am that girl now... but just to be certain, it may be time to schedule a girls night.

Someone said to me (when I was furiously texting on the roof top complaining) that I should be happy because I have what most people want… a diamond ring and a woman that loves me. :-) Very True.

Anyways… the birthday celebration did get better, I got some very, very delicious cupcakes and J got me tickets to see Rihanna for her LOUD tour…. Yaaaaay!! :-)

The days following I sizzled in the sun with friends, drank entirely too much liquor and spent 13 hours glued in front of the television. Yes, I said 13 hours. In the end everything turned out great.

So another birthday has come and gone and I am excited about where 29 will take me.







xoxo,

Thursday, May 26, 2011

It's not Friday yet...

I have soooo many things I want to talk about.

First that I really, really miss G who is out in the middle of no where serving in the Peace Corps, and How J and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary in Miami during a big lezzie pride weekend 2 weeks ago, and the wonderful weekend we had in NYC as I accompanied J to a career changing and inspiring workshop this past weekend. 

(breathe)

But, the number one thing is how I am beginning to absolutely despise my job.

Ok, not really my job, more so just my dick-head boss.

Ok, maybe my job too.

Any who...I'd love to elaborate on all these things, but I am literally looking for jobs as I type this and also working on another little project for my side business.

Sooooo I'll get into that more later.

On another note...

Here's a little something that kinda made my day this morning....



It's not a huge drop in fact it is tini-tiny considering the last time I weighed myself... but with the rate that things have been going, I'm happy with this number.

No, I don't want to talk about the drinks in Miami, or the Chinese food, pizza, hot dogs and more in New York, or the fact that I have only workedout twice in the last 2 weeks.

Why is it so hard this time?!

I think it may be time to join LA Fitness again. I keep going back and forth with this. I have a gym in my apartment community, but it's nothing special (2 treadmills, an elliptical and weights) and it takes a shit-ton of motivation to get me there because it's sooooo boring. If I have my gym clothes in the car and I'm paying LA Fitness 30 bucks a month, I should have a tad bit more motivation, no? Or is this just another cop-out excuse to blow some money?

Don't know, but I shall keep you posted on what I decided.

Have a wonderful day.... I'll be back very soon :-)


xoxo,

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Woe is me…

In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t weigh myself yesterday.

2 reasons for that… I was afraid I gained and my scale is going bonkers.

But mostly I just didn’t want to know.

I had a horrible week working out… not so bad on the food because I haven’t had much of an appetite at all… but still, I know my body and I need a good workout.

So blah, blah, blah… woe is me… blah, blah blah….

I don’t feel good on the inside… I’m struggling MAJORLY with my hair. I don’t think that I have mentioned but I am in the process of going natural… it’s been over a year and the only time I am actually happy with my hair is when I get it straightened. *sigh*

I know it’s dumb… but between the nappy hair and the big ass I still haven’t been able to get a handle on my motivation.

I took the time to watch some you tube videos about transition to natural hair… so I have a couple ideas on things to try… maybe if I feel better about the way that I look I’ll be more motivated to treat my body better.

Anywho… enough of the sob story… I’m going to Wal-Mart to buy a new scale, so I will resume weigh-ins this coming Friday.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.


xoxo,
 

Saturday, February 12, 2011

L.O.V.E. (warning: uber gay, cheese-fest V-day post)

As Valentine’s Day approaches I’m compelled to write about love…

We all want the same thing in life… to find love, to be loved and to give love.

Each time we enter a relationship we hope that this will be the ‘one’. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that it might not be it and then sometimes we know right away; but like they say… when you know… you know.

And I know.

Girlfriend is not perfect… and she is different from me in many ways. I’m an organized nerd that is addicted to stability and she is a free spirit that hates to pay bills and goes to whatever lengths necessary to follow her dreams. She does some things that drive me nuts… she has habits that are not ideal… and I know that I have my ‘perks’ too, but as crazy as it sounds I know that she is perfect for me.

This is the most loving relationship I have ever been in. We appreciate and respect each other and we take time to show it. She puts me first and she always thinks as a ‘two’. She is my best friend and the most amazing partner I’ve ever had. It’s the little things too, like how she looks at me with so much love in her eyes, how she always reaches for my hand when we are out and about or riding in the car, scrabble at 2am, Monday funday, conversations that last hours… She’s thoughtful, and caring… she’s affectionate, she appreciates me and she carries her own weight in our relationship. I can lean on her and know that she won’t fall under the pressure. And all of that makes me want to do the same for her.

And beyond all of that, it doesn’t feel hard.

As cheesy as it is… I’ve never been so in love in my life. <3

With all that I have been through, you would think that I would be jaded and incapable of trusting someone, but it’s just the opposite. After everything, what I have learned about myself is that I will always be ok. My heart can be broken and I can cry and be sad and depressed but after all of that I know that I still have me. And it’s that that allows me to give myself to J and be soooo vulnerable and not be jaded. I don’t have anything to lose. Nothing is guaranteed, I get that. I can only promise to do my best and give everything and she can only do the same. If we were ever to spilt ways, I would be crushed. Devastated. but I really think that you have to be in that space, you have to be vulnerable, you have to be able to be hurt in order to really give and receive love, because otherwise you are guarded and you can’t be guarded with one foot by the door and still expect to receive everything that you want in a relationship—you get what you give. So I give everything I can.

So on this Valentine’s Day I’m so grateful to have J… who ‘matches’ me in effort, mind, body and spirit to create the amazing love that we share.

Happy Valentine’s Day <3

xoxo,
 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

That’s BULLSHIT!

Remember the huge life changing surprise I had?

Well… it fell through.

They didn’t pick me. :-(

It’s complete bullshit.

Anyways… since it doesn’t matter anymore, I can tell you the big secret.

I auditioned for MasterChef…. A cooking show for amateur chefs that airs on Fox.

G and I drove out to New Orleans. 6 hours in the car… just me my bestie and my nerves… oh and my tasting dish on dry ice. I made Lime grilled shrimp with corn salsa and cilantro aioli… I must say it was pretty damn tasty.


I made it through the tasting round, personality round and the on-camera interview round.

Seriously, I made it really far.

Like to the point of signing confidentiality contracts and giving me dates of taping and stipend amounts if I make it to LA. Of course they were always really careful to mention that I was still in the running and not yet been selected, but still… all of that seemed to justify getting my hopes up.

But when it came down to being on the show, they didn’t pick me.

Woe is me.

The thought of possibly winning $250,000 by just doing what I love…. And the exposure on national television…

Man this is bullshit.

So I’m disappointed. But life goes on.

There is always MasterChef 2012.

xoxo,
 

Monday, January 3, 2011

Reflection on 2010…

As another year comes to an end and a new decade begins I am overwhelmed with excitement, love, gratitude and opportunity that this year brings with it.

Looking back on this past year makes me realize how much things can change with time.

January 2010…
I was getting over the breakup of my 5 year relationship… I was heartbroken and trying to find my footing. G and I went to LA for the most amazingly fun weekend ever. I started seeing a therapist, I jumped out of a plane with my best friend and moved out of the house I shared wit my ex and moved into an apartment with the city with G. January was an interesting month, I reunited with my alter-ego ‘Toni’… needles to say, I partied more than a little bit.

February 2010…
The partied continued…. Until I crashed. Literally.

March 2010…
I re-discovered myself, my spirituality and independence, and believe it or not, I did not find it in the bottom of a vodka bottle. I was going to the spiritual living center; I was working out (a lot) and I signed up for match.com.

April 2010…
I found love on match.com . I continued my workout regimen and I did the Master cleanse for the first time and hit my lowest weight ever, 169.4 lbs. Love, happiness, progress and gratitude was seeping out of my pores. :-)

May 2010…
I went on an all girls getaway to South beach and had an AMAZING time with G and some of our other friends. I came home with a girlfriend and proceeded to fall head over heals in love.

June 2010….
I turned 28 and partied like a rock star! I was still on cloud 9 of my new relationship and trying to balance love, life, friends and work…. *hence the lack of blog posts*

July 2010…
I re-evaluated my financial situation and decided to ask for donations on my blog to help me get out of debt, a` la Save-Karyn. I gained ‘honey-moon’ pounds and J and I drove 12 hours to her home town to meet the parents.

August 2010…
Off to Vegas, J and I attended her Cousins wedding together and I TRIED to get back on track in the financial and weight departments. I also had a moment (or 2) about how much I am gonna miss G when she leaves for the Peace Corps…. :-(

September 2010…
I moved into a very awesome, very comfortable, very amazing one bedroom apartment of my very own and I started taking a Science of Mind class with G and began exploring my spirituality more. I was still basking in the honeymoon love with J…. but I finally came up for some air and reached out to some friends.

October 2010…
I got to go home and visit my family. I had some much fun spending quality time them and recharging my batteries. While I was gone, J and I started writing a joint fiction story that we are still working on; who knows… it might be published one day!:-) I also dealt with an internal battle of what my passion is and how to incorporate it in real life…. For the record, I think I’ve answered my questions, but I can’t talk about it quite yet!

November 2010…
I faced the reality that I no longer had the awesome tiny body that I managed to acquire back in May. I gained every pound back plus some…. We’ll just say its winter weight! Something that I didn’t blog about…. G and I took a road trip to New Orleans; we had so much fun together…. A great bonding experience that I’ll never forget.

December 2010…
Was just a few days ago, but I was fed up with my constant weight gain and decided to the Master Cleanse again. I lost 16 pounds, but sill struggled with maintaining a structured workout plan during the holidays. I wrote down a long term financial plan…. And even achieved my first goal! I helped J with a budget and experimented in the kitchen. J and I drove up to her home town again to spend Christmas with her family…of course I missed my family during the holidays, but we had a wonderful time and I was happy to spend it with her.

All in all 2010 was an awesome year…I am so grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life that have always supported me. Things haven’t always been easy, but I realize more and more that God is all there is and I am a strong amazing woman and even when I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel I know that its there.

2011 is going to be another amazing year!

Happy New Year!!


xoxo,
 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Battling the fat girl living inside of me and Betty Crocker…

I haven’t been to the gym since last Wednesday.

I haven’t been eating badly, but I haven’t been to the gym in 7 days, and the only reason I went then was because I was out of town for business and I didn’t have anything else to do.

What do I have to do to get rid of the porker inside of me??

Didn't I enjoy working out at one point??

I keep saying all the things I need to do, and I’m ‘gonna’ do… Hell I stopped eating for 11 days cleanse my system and ‘re-boot’(11 days instead of 10 on the master cleanse, apparently J and I can’t count!).

Part of the problem is the holiday madness. Getting ready for our road trip, baking millions of delicious little treats as though my last name is Crocker… shopping, packing and shipping… just one thing after another.

The cookies turned out great by the way… here is the picture I promised:



Chocolate chip cookies, Nutella filled orange linzer cookies, Mexican wedding cookies (aka snowball cookies), butter cookies AND sugar cookies
Needles to say, my kitchen was quite a CF (cluster fuck) for a couple of days… but it was worth it…. I’m pretty sure the girlfriend’s family will enjoy them! Nothing like a homemade gift!
Good news is when we get back from our holiday road trip the cookies will no longer be in the house, there will be no gifts to wrap and I’ll have absolutely no excuse for not working out.

Talk to you guys when I get back…. Have a wonderful ChrisKwazHkah!

xoxo,
 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

"Your passion is what stirs your soul...."

"Find your passion. Your passion is what stirs your soul and makes you feel like you're totally in harmony with why you showed up here in the first place." Dr. Wayne Dyer

I had to smile when I read this on FB today, because my girlfriend and I have been talking a lot about this over the last few days. It’s almost like it’s been on my brain so much that it is popping up everywhere… funny how the universe works.

Sooo…what is MY passion? What’s stirs my soul?

That’s the dilemma of my world right now.

I thought cooking/food was my passion. I’m not sure that it is. I like to cook and I LOVE food. But it didn’t feel like a passion today.

I’m in Texas at our corporate test kitchen again for work… we are working on the upcoming menus and part of our process is to recreate all the recipes to test for accuracy and tasting. Well, I’m the only ‘non-chef’ and the only female in the kitchen during this process.

Don’t get me wrong…I love wearing a Chef’s jacket, clunky clog chef’s shoes and working in a commercial kitchen… but feeling like you are a tall as an ant because the Chef’s don’t respect you… not so fun. Being the only woman (out of 14 arrogant Chef’s)… also not so fun.

They always give me the simple dishes to execute… for obvious reasons, my technique and skill aren’t at their level. That said, I fucked up both vinaigrettes I was responsible for making. Well, fucked up is an exaggeration, the recipes were fucked up, but they were still looking at me like I fucked it up.

It’s silly and I know I can cook and I know most people enjoy my food, but I hate that feeling- that feeling that I’m not even good at what I THINK my passion is.

I really do love food… but it is such a blow to my ego knowing that my girlfriend and my friends think I’m this great cook… but really, in a real kitchen outside of my house, I suck.

I had to go hide in the back office for a little while because I felt the tears prickle the back of my eyes. I just felt so frustrated and sad. I remembered looking in the mirror in the bathroom this morning and liking the way the Chef’s jacket looked on me and thinking… hmm, maybe? Is it just the status that I like that comes along with the jacket? If this was my passion, wouldn’t I know it? And if this isn’t it, what do I do now?

And on another note, why is the culinary world dominated by men?

I thought cooking was a woman’s thing? It’s a horrible piggish thing to think that ‘woman belong in the kitchen’… but why isn’t that true in the commercial kitchen?? Because men don’t want women to have any power or prestige?? Maybe this is part of the reason I’m hating the culinary world right now? They are dumb. Some of the male Chef’s anyways. They act like ten year old boys running around the kitchen with chefs knives posing as reputable adults. AND they treat me as a damsel in distress. I CAN DO IT MYSELF! I know what it means to julienne, I don’t need you to show me. No, the knife is too heavy for my sad weak delicate girly hands. Just because I didn’t go to CIA and I have a vjayjay between my legs doesn’t mean I can’t fucking cut onions or chop parsley properly. Ugh. I’m just as competent as they are, but sometimes I don’t feel like I care enough to fight.

So I just had a shitty day at work. Doesn’t mean I can’t still do it. Cook that is.

I don’t wanna just go through the motions in life…. I want to do something that I’m passionate about.

So what’s my passion?

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Off to the motherland…

Vaction officially starts at 5pm today!

Wooooo Hooooo!!

You have no idea how excited I am!

I fly out tomorrow and arrive early Saturday morning. I’m so excited to see my family and to have a BREAK from work.

J and I haven’t spent more than 3 days apart, so I know I am going to miss her like crazy. Of course we’ll skype and talk on the phone and it’s only 10 days, but you know new love… at least our new love…. <3

I’m not sure if I will really be blogging that much while I’m at home… I’ll mostly be reading books, lounging around with the fam and doing NOTHING… man I love these kind of vacations, too bad there isn’t a beach near by.

SN: I weighed myself yesterday morning. 194lbs. Ugh. What does being happy in love= being fat? J has gained a good 15-20 pounds too. Operation get your body right will commence as soon as I return to the US. For real this time. I’m not gonna dwell on the disappointment, I’m going to remember how easily I ‘got rid’ of the weight last time and channel that energy to get this weight loss going. More to come…

Talk to you guys soon!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Jesus vs. Buddha

This topic is a little different than the typical things that I discuss… hopefully I don’t offend anybody, but I thought it was an interesting discussion, and well, it’s my blog so I’m sharing. :-)

My girlfriend brought up this question last night…. Is Buddha just as ‘real’ as Jesus?

First, I should state that neither one of us are Christian… she claims Buddhism and I am a spiritual being that doesn’t subscribe to one religion or another. So this question comes from a idea that Jesus (and Buddha for that matter) was a profit/spiritual leader like many other great figures in history whose stories were recorded/altered/created by man as a way to gain power over people and at times clarity and hope for sake of survival in this life. Of course this idea is subjective but still very relative when you think about this question.

*SN: J and I have this joke that the answer, cause and reason behind almost everything that isdeemed ‘wrong’ in this country are either power or capitalism. Seriously… really think about it. I bring this up because in my opinion, religion, amongst some other things, (but really all just boils back down to religion) is the basis on which this country was founded and religion has regularly been used as a way to control the masses, hence the fight for power. And Capitalism, well, like they say, money is power. More to come on that later.*

One thing that I have to remember in thinking about this question is my own perception. I wasn’t raised in a religious home. I don’t think we ever went to church as a family, ever. Well, except the day my sister and I were baptized, and even that was more of a tradition than a religious practice. I guess it’s a little bit different because culturally Germany is not a very religious country and my father, although America (who statistically are more religious), rebelled against religion after being raised Jehovah Witness and separating from his family at 17.

Hence the ‘hippie’ undertone in my perception.

I wasn’t threatened by the wrath of a Jealous God or eternal damnation. Nor did I understand enlightenment.

Although, I was threatened with Santa Claus as a kid, lol- not sure what that means though.

Seriously, I don’t really know a whole lot about either religion, even now. I didn’t even discover some of these things until I ventured into a Pentecostal church with my best friend at about the age of 10, and after that (as you can imagine) I was afraid of God, Jesus, hell and the end of the world and I just didn’t get it. Christianity was not always a source of anxiety for me, later in middle and high school most of my friends were Christian and they managed to clear some of those things up and teach me more about faith than fear. So I understand that my perception of God and religion is different than most and I have been able to form my own opinions about God without my parents beliefs hindering my perception.

Wait. Hold that thought.

Then again, my parent’s beliefs, or more accurately, lack there of, did affect my perception… I’m just as non-subscribing as they are.

Hhmmm…

Back to the question…

My answer to her was that they are both as real (or not) as you perceive them to be. Everything is about perception… if you are raised Christian, you would perceive Jesus to be ‘real’ and if you were raised Buddhist you would perceive Buddha to be ‘real’. J was raised Christian, but later found Buddhism, thus the realization and question. G is similar, both of her parents are Christian and her beliefs are now more aligned with metaphysical teachings.

First of all, the question its self shows arrogance, because it’s almost like saying, “wait, if Christianity and Jesus is bullshit does that mean the Buddhism and Buddha is too??”

I know it is silly and more of a rhetorical question than anything else… but it does present a good point.

Why would the story and teachings of Buddha be any more real than that of Christianity?

Just because we aren’t Christian and don’t subscribe to those teachings? Even the Pastor(s) at the Metaphysical Church that I sometimes attend cracks jokes about Jesus. They quotes him (Jesus), Buddha and other religious teacher’s quite regularly, but I’ve only heard cracks about Christian beliefs. For example, most recently during a Science of Mind 101 class (which is held in a Methodist church) the Pastor was talking about something and used a curse word. Ass was the word I think, but he whispered it. Multiple times. Then goes on to say that he had to whisper the curse word because there is a big Cross behind him and he doesn’t want to upset Jesus and be struck by lighting and be sent to hell. It was a joke and I most definitely laughed because I think it’s silly too, but objectively speaking, what makes Metaphysical beliefs superior to anything other? The big joke is that whole point of Metaphysics (or my understanding of it anyways) is that you don’t have to join a church, practice religion or read a bible to be a spiritual human being with an awareness of a higher consciousness.

Buddha’s life and teachings were recorded and shared by man just as Jesus’ were. For me, it’s the fear and exclusivity that Christianity seems to rule by that turns me away, but that is my experience. Again I don’t know a lot about Buddhism but I find comfort in the approach to reaching a higher consciousness or the escape from “the cycle of suffering and rebirth”. However just as Christians fear eternal damnation in hell, Buddhist (along with other eastern religions) fear bad Karma or eternal repayment of karmic debt.

Ahh, there is a reason, explanation and viewpoint for every aspect, huh?

Personally, I believe in God. A higher being. A divine spirit. The Universal energy that ties all people, animals and things together and the scientific laws of it all, but that is just my belief. As human beings we all yearn for understanding and a sense of belonging. Some achieve this through religion, others through other venues, but in the end we all want to have something to believe in, an explanation, and a hopefulness that walks along side us in our life’s journey.

Religion is such an interesting topic… touchy and personal, but Interesting nonetheless.

What are your thoughts?

Friday, August 6, 2010

What are you afraid of?

I’m not really an anxious person…spontaneity and chance suits me, but I’m a little bit overwhelmed by some of the changes coming over the next couple of months.

First… G is going to be leaving for the Peace Corps… and I’m gonna miss her. I’m gonna miss her a lot. We don’t hang out and talk as much as we used to before I started dating J… but I’m really, really gonna miss her. In an odd way she is like a security blanket for me… yes we get on each others nerves from time to time, but she is like my sister and there is a comfort in knowing that she is always there. She knows me…I don’t always have to say what I’m thinking or feeling for her to get it and there aren’t many other people in my life that can do that. I’m so proud of her and I know that this experience is going to open a whole new world for her, but that doesn’t make me any less sad.

I think we sometimes take friendship for granted. Sometimes we are selfish. I don’t know if this is something that comes with age, or time, but we sometimes get so consumed with our own lives and romantic relationships that we forget to really nurture some of our most important relationships.

She doesn’t know when she is leaving or even where she is going yet, but knowing that time is looming over us makes it a little more real. It makes me realized that new chapter is on the horizon for us both.


Second thing… I have to move. Again.

Ugh.

The thought of moving again makes me violently ill… the packing, the cleaning, the sorting, the hauling, and the shit everywhere for weeks… such a pain in the ass.

It’s not just the moving part that is making me anxious; it’s the living alone and the paying all the bills alone that is overwhelming.

I have never lived alone. Ever.

On one hand I’m really excited. The thought of having my own space to do whatever I please is pretty thrilling. At the same time, I think it will probably get old and I’ll get a little lonely. In reality I won’t be ‘alone’ all that often… I’ll be bouncing between my house and J’s house… and she’ll do the same… but still, I’m 28 years old and I am finally gonna live alone.

The really big scary thing is paying all the bills alone. My rent is going to go up $250 a month and I won’t have anyone to split the utilities with. Of course I did my budget and everything fits… but there isn’t much money left over at the end of the month… and I’ll only be paying the minimum on my loan. I will still have my $200 per month direct deposited into my savings account, but it would probably be smarter to put at least half of that towards paying off the loan. I always have my yearly bonuses to look forward to as well… so I’m hoping I can have the loan paid off in about 2 years.

Part of me just wants to skip the whole living alone thing and move in with J. Splitting her rent and her utilities would allow me to save even more than I am saving in my current apartment… and it would help her out a lot too, especially because she doesn’t have any income coming in at the moment. I’m just afraid that it would be a detriment to our relationship. I know that I’m gonna spend my life with her, but moving in together is a big deal and I want it to be for the right reason… not just to save money. It is pretty tempting though.

So that idea is out.

The other option is to move back out of the city and save maybe $100-$150 on rent.

Hell no.

That idea is out too.

So maybe it’s not the most finically responsible thing to max out my budget to live in a great little apartment in the city, but my sanity and my happiness play a role in this decision too.

As overwhelming as it is, I am happy with my decision and I think it is the right choice.
The anticipation of change has got me on the edge of my seat…. But I know I everything will work out fine. It always does.

What are you afraid of?

Friday, July 23, 2010

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed…

I hate it when I’m in a mood… seems like for no apparent reason, but if I listen long enough I usually figure it out.

So… J and I have been inseparable for the last month or so and yesterday was the first night we sleep apart in a long time. The funny thing is that I have wanted some “me-time” and a break from the constant going and doing, but the moment I’m without her I miss her so I guess I have neglected my “me-time” just a little. With that said, yesterday, J took some “me-time”… I’m happy that she took some time to be in her own space and do her own thing but I’m kind of annoyed with myself because why does it feel like I wait for her to take “me-time” in order for me to get my own “me-time”?

We are definitely still in the honeymoon stage and very much in love… but I guess we are on the verge of suffocating each other. I don’t want to loose myself in this relationship… just like I know she doesn’t. How do I find a happy medium? And why do I “feel some sort of way” because she took some time away from me? I guess it kinda did hurt my feelings a little bit. It’s just so stupid and silly because even though I need time to be alone or with my friends too I don’t want her to wanna be away from me. I guess that’s just my ego at work.

It definitely doesn’t help that Aunt Flo is on her way, so I was extra emotional and teary eyed after getting off the phone with her last night. I guess I felt like there was a disconnect between us… conversation just felt weird… we talked about it, but I think we both weren’t sure why.

We still have a lot to learn about each other… it’s only been 3 months… sometimes I forget that it’s been only this short amount of time. We seem so connected all the time, but we have to find a balance. We were even off sexually a few days ago. She threw a party, trying to make extra income, and when we got home we were just off… I was drunk and she was annoyed and exhausted after planning and playing hostess and it was just bad.

I guess that happens sometimes.

I’m gonna hang out with my long lost bff G tonight (long lost because I’ve been lost in Love Land) and J and I have a date on Saturday night, so hopefully the friend time and the date night will put me/us back in my/our happy space.

There are so many other things going on right now. I really need to blog more. Our lease is up on September 21st, so that means I have to move… again. I’m dreading it. I just don’t wanna do it. The packing up of all the shit and the hauling of all the shit… oh and finding a place to live that I can afford.

I just want to be done with it already.

Wish me luck.

Until next time….

Thursday, July 15, 2010

How did I get here????

Lol…. Seemed like a good title….

Updates:

I have earned a whopping $6 so far through my donate button. Thank you for getting the ball rolling!

I didn’t have much luck with selling my fat girl clothes- I had 3 huge trash bags full of clothes to sell to a second hand shop… and out of all the stuff I had they only bought 5 items, and get this… they only gave me 6 bucks for it!! I’m going to try one other second hand shop and whatever is left after that I will donate to a local woman’s shelter. (Epic Fail… at least the women at the shelter will be happy.)

My next project was to consolidate all of my debt with a lower interest rate.

SUCCESS!

Finally, I was able to get the ball rolling on something! I actually wound up taking out a $20,000 loan from my credit union at a 9.25% intrest rate to pay off all my random credit card debt. I went back and forth on weather or not that was the smartest thing to do, but in the long run having a lower interest rate and making one monthly payment going to make this process much easier and faster! So by Monday morning I will be free of credit card debt! Woooohoooooo! (Ok, I replaced it with a loan, but still- it’s nice to not have maxed out plastic in my wallet.)

One step at a time.

Next…. Remember all that weight I lost? I’m slowly gaining in back, I’m up to 182lbs, my lowest weight was 168. Time to get back on the wagon- I never reached my goal of 165lbs…. so I’m gonna try this again. It should only take me about 8 weeks or so- I’m a pro at this now ;-) (Literally laughing out loud- Oh really? Then why do you keep gaining it back??)

But that will have to wait until next week…

I am going a road trip with J… we are leaving tonight and coming back on Sunday.

It’s a TWELVE HOUR drive.

Ugh.

Not looking forward to the driving part. I’m excited about the trip though, I’m going to meet the family and we’re attending her cousin’s reverse reception (reception is before the wedding…. Plus, I love spending time with her, so being cooped up together in the car won’t be bad, especially since we got the final book of Twilight “Breaking Dawn” on CD to listen to in the car (yes, we are big ol’ dorks!)

So Bo voyage, until next week….. hope you all have a lovely weekend!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Hello again...

I haven’t written in a while… shame on me. I’ve wanted to write several times and starting typing, but then got pulled away for one reason or another.

I’m not sure where to start.

I’ve been sober for 25 days. Yes, I realize I sound like an alcoholic, I don’t want to go into details, but I was absolutely out of control and totally destructive.

My plan is to go 30 days. The point of this period of sobriety is to sit still and actually feel whatever I was trying to mask with the alcohol. Drinking made things seems so simple… I don’t give a shit about anything, I’ll say whatever to anybody and it makes me feel like my ‘situation’ isn’t a situation.

The truth is; I’m lonely. Which is normal I guess. But, I hate feeling like I am always available to other people, and other people aren’t available to me.

When did this happen?

I have a wonderful group of friends so I know that I’m not ‘alone’, but I guess I just didn’t realize how much of an adjustment single life would be. I was apart of a couple for most of my 20’s…. and now I am having to redefine and rediscover myself. I don’t think I really grasped the extent of that, hence the alcohol abuse…. Well, until now anyway.

I’m enjoying the time that I spend alone (most of the time). I feel like I am growing and searching to learn more about who this new me is and what I want out of life. Honestly, it’s hard…. It’s hard to sit still with your own thoughts, your own past, present and future with nothing blurring your view. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of distractions, but I’m trying to lean towards the non-destructive and non-life altering kind. It’s amazing how aware you become when just pay attention.

I’m a work in progress.

I find comfort in knowing that as traumatically painful and core-shaking as this experience has been, I know that I made the right decision for me and I will come out stronger, healthier and better because of it.

Everything happens exactly as it should…even when you think it shouldn’t.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Being single and fabulous is EXPENSIVE……

As you all know, I’ve kinda been all over the place the last few months. Literally all over the place… NYC, Miami, Dallas, LA. Between this and the going out EVERY WEEKEND (and getting wasted) I have managed to run my credit cards right back up to where I started! :-/

I know, I know…. What the hell are you doing?

I had a bit of a reality check last weekend. I wrecked my car while I was driving…. A bit intoxicated and texting.

Good job genius.

I know. I don’t want to talk about it.

And now…. As I’m on the phone with the student loan people, I got another reality check.

After 5 years of deferments and forbearances I have to start paying that shit back too.

I know.

So I have to pull $500 out of my savings for my deductible to fix my poor little car AND I have to start sending Nelnet $167.55 as well.

I made almost $60,000 last year….. why am I still in debt??????

Reality check.

So, I have updated my debt tally and I’m going back to my budget. The good news is, once I get the deposit back from the house I will have over $4000 in savings for ‘emergencies’ so I won’t feel so inclined to use the plastic.

Seriously, being single is pricey!

I was doing so well before the breakup, because I had turned into a hermit. No that I am ALIVE again; I don’t know what to do with myself, so I do crazy things like buy everyone a round of patron shots.

Cause that sounds like a great idea.

I’m seriously shaking my head at myself.

Realistically, I can’t promise that I’ll stop going out. But I can promise, that I won’t drink and drive anymore and I will stop using my credit cards for dumb shit (like patron).

All that said, and I have a date tonight! :)

I’m not the kind of girl that will look the other way when the check comes…. But instead of offering to pay, I’ll just offer to go dutch.

Baby steps.

I’ll tell you more about her later. Let’s just say, this is going to be interesting. :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I can FLY......

Skydiving may be the most amazing, insanely cool thing that I have ever done!

It was terrifying, freeing and thrilling all at the same time. I LOVED it! The only problem now… is that I am looking for that ‘free-falling’ feeling again and I can’t seem to get it from anything else! I can’t even explain it. When I was sitting in front of the open door of the plane getting hit by the wind and staring down at the earth I got this adrenaline rush and a petrifying calmness… then all of a sudden my tandem instructor vaults us out of the plane and we are tumbling through the sky at a speed that I have NEVER felt. I literally felt like I was flying. For the first few seconds I don’t think I was even breathing… I was in shock! Once I regained my breath I screamed and yelled and cheered and just could not stop SMILING! It was just amazing… To let go of all control like that (and still be ok)… just amazing.

After we landed safely I promised myself that I was going to leave all my control issues and insecurities in the sky. Time for me to let go…. Things work out as they should, and I have to learn to trust that.

I want to do it again!

So from now on whenever I am down or sad… or just not feeling ‘it’… I’m gonna watch my skydive video and get high all over again!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be…

Under this big smile, new hair cut and constant positivity, I can feel myself flailing…

I don’t know how else to explain it. I keep force feeding myself positive thoughts, ideas and energy hoping that at some point it will stay down. It’s not so much that I am sad, it’s more that I feel a little lost, confused and out of control.

G and I are moving out of the house that we share with N at the end of this month. My plans are to be completely moved to New York City by May. We are setup to sign a 4 month lease in our new apartment here until my big move to NYC. I have been searching and searching for a job in NYC and I have sent in well over 100 resumes and I’ve got nothing… not one single bite. It just hit me, just now… four months is NOT a long time, what the fuck am I going to do? G asked me a while back if I believed in my dream, I told her, I believe in it so much that it’s not a dream, it’s my reality. I’m trying really hard to hold on to that because the truth is, I honestly believed it when I said it. I’m in tears right now while I am typing this (at work) because I don’t know if I know how to hold on to it. And it’s not just the job thing that is holding me back… I am actually starting to enjoy myself here… just a little. As I start to get over the shock and pain of the heartache I don’t feel so inclined to run away. Don’t get me wrong I still lust after NYC, but I’m wondering where my motives come from. I am still finding my footing, but I realize how much I have here. My initial reaction was to get the fuck out of here as soon as humanly possibly, my heart is broken, my best friend is leaving the country, and my family doesn’t live here anyways…. Why would I stay? I guess I am realizing that regardless of where I live I am starting over… starting a new chapter, not just logistically speaking but emotionally as well. I think I fooled myself into thinking that if I moved to another city, my favorite city, I would be ok again.

God I hope I am only feeling this way because of PMS.

So at this point my first instinct is to extend our lease to 6 months; but doesn’t that make my ‘reality’ go back to being just a dream? Or am I being ‘responsible’ in a tough economic climate? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am capable of almost anything and I know that I can endure the weight of my fears… now I just have to figure out how to face them and move past them. Maybe this is a completely asinine explanation, but what if God put this fear in my heart because I need to stay here… at least for now?

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.

I think my biggest fear is the tinny, tiny possibility that NYC is just not written in my density…. But it’s not the ‘not being in NYC’ part that scares me, it’s the ‘what the fuck am I going to do with my life if I don’t have NYC as my new chapter’ part that really has me freaking out right now.

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be….. I really have to take this to heart and try to let go of the fear and let whatever will be, be… and stop flailing.

On another note…

Remember when G went Skydiving and I chickened out? Well, I’m done being a chicken! I signed up and paid… we are jumping on the 31st!

G mentioned it while I was at home for Christmas, that and I just kinda blew it off because, well, it’s terrifying. Then the other day I was posting this quote on Facebook from Marilyn Monroe, “We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” As I was typing it in my status box I thought, FUCK IT, Marilyn is so right, I’m just gonna to do it! I called up and paid that day…. It’s done, I’m gonna SKYDIVE!

I have some homework to do before the actual jump though…. This isn’t just me jumping out of a ‘perfectly fine’ plane; it’s about me standing up to my fears and saying FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T HAVE POWER OVER ME ANYMORE! (I’VE said fuck quite a lot today…. sorry… seems necessary!) I feel like I have to acknowledge all the things I am afraid of, upset about or just don’t have control over and accept whatever feelings I have over them, but then let them go; if I can jump out of a plane, I can most definitely do that.

I know skydiving is not going to make all my troubles go away, but it is making me be more deliberate and concise of my thoughts, feelings, intentions and actions….. And well, that’s a start.

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

How things change….

This morning I woke up startled, sad and on the verge of tears for reasons unbeknownst to me. Ok, I’m sure it didn’t help that I woke up late because my stupid Blackberry is on the fritz again, but it was more than that.

I’m not really sure how to explain it… maybe Aunt Flo is on the way and that is contributing to these feelings. I just feel overwhelmed.

Maybe I should give you a little update since I haven’t written in months...
First…

N and I are so over we need a new word for over.

I still love her and this entire situation hurts my hurt, but I can’t go back- I can’t go back for sake of my own happiness, wellbeing and sanity. I just need more than what she can give. That doesn’t discount our relationship or make her a horrible person…. It just makes it over.

Second….

Apparently I was a caged animal that has just been let free. I have been partying like no one’s business! It is fun and liberating…. But I think I just realized that I really am using it as a façade to mask my hurt and pain. In the mist of this neurotic behavior I have managed to develop a crush on one of the least ideal women in this city! G says you can’t help who you like… I guess she is right, but I am still trying to figure out my motives. More about that later…


Third…

I am still seeing my therapist and she is really helping me to become aware of my patterns…. However, now I am trying to figure out what the hell to do now that I am aware AND how to shift my patterns to something/someone that is better for me.


So I’m sad and I’m hurt… but I know that I will be ok. I mean I REALLY, REALLY know that I will be ok (so don’t freak out Mom… I know you are reading this!) ..I’m excited and anxious to see what is going to happen next in my life, but I also know that there will be more mornings that I will wake up sad… and it’s ok, it’s a part of life and I can literally feel myself turning into a different person.

Happy New Year everyone! :)

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