This morning I woke up startled, sad and on the verge of tears for reasons unbeknownst to me. Ok, I’m sure it didn’t help that I woke up late because my stupid Blackberry is on the fritz again, but it was more than that.
I’m not really sure how to explain it… maybe Aunt Flo is on the way and that is contributing to these feelings. I just feel overwhelmed.
Maybe I should give you a little update since I haven’t written in months...
First…
N and I are so over we need a new word for over.
I still love her and this entire situation hurts my hurt, but I can’t go back- I can’t go back for sake of my own happiness, wellbeing and sanity. I just need more than what she can give. That doesn’t discount our relationship or make her a horrible person…. It just makes it over.
Second….
Apparently I was a caged animal that has just been let free. I have been partying like no one’s business! It is fun and liberating…. But I think I just realized that I really am using it as a façade to mask my hurt and pain. In the mist of this neurotic behavior I have managed to develop a crush on one of the least ideal women in this city! G says you can’t help who you like… I guess she is right, but I am still trying to figure out my motives. More about that later…
Third…
I am still seeing my therapist and she is really helping me to become aware of my patterns…. However, now I am trying to figure out what the hell to do now that I am aware AND how to shift my patterns to something/someone that is better for me.
So I’m sad and I’m hurt… but I know that I will be ok. I mean I REALLY, REALLY know that I will be ok (so don’t freak out Mom… I know you are reading this!) ..I’m excited and anxious to see what is going to happen next in my life, but I also know that there will be more mornings that I will wake up sad… and it’s ok, it’s a part of life and I can literally feel myself turning into a different person.
Happy New Year everyone! :)
ha that makes me laugh because i TOO am ridiculously self aware... but i STILL don't know how to not do the things i do! like, i tend to be intensely attracted to men who have huge egos and are super confident (which means under it all they are completely insecure and non-committal), and it always ends the same. and yet, i keep doing it over and over and over again. all my friends give really helpful advice like "change" but i'm just NOT attracted to any other kinds of men. so there you have it, thanks therapy for pointing out the obvious but offering me no real solutions.
ReplyDeleteanyways, i'm glad to hear that you are moving on and doing better-ish. keep your chin up, we all go through shit once in a while and come out stronger on the other side. or something like that. :)
I'm guilty of being overly self-aware too! I blame it in large part on my social work degree with an emphasis on behavior modification...BUT in all honest, I've always been hyper aware of well...me.
ReplyDeleteI think there are good things ahead of you though and I"m sure that you will make it! : ] It's a new year, and 2010 will be good for you I'd be willing to bet!
Love,
B
Thanks flirty30! I really appreciate the support! If it makes you feel any better I am attracted to ‘emotionally unavailable’ people… and we all know how that one ends! My therapist even named me “Captain Save-a-Hoe”… how about that. Note to self: stop trying to rescue everybody else and worry about rescuing myself!!
ReplyDelete@ B… thanks for the encouraging words, it means a lot! :)