All cried out…

I’m sure there will be plenty more tears over N, but not anymore this morning. Why do I do this to myself? She has made it abruptly clear who she is and what she wants, why am I always so surprised?

It is soooooooooo hard to swallow. This is really it. There isn’t anything else.
So let me elaborate why I am so upset at 7am.

She just got home about 45 minutes ago. Yes, she got home at 6am.

I know it’s none of my business, we are broken up, and she can do whatever she wants.

My problem is this. Yesterday, she was hugging me and telling me how much she missed me.
Mind you the first altercation happened last week. She asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. I was actually considering going. Then I told her the only day I was free was this past Saturday. Her response, “its Halloween”. That was the end of the conversation. Yes it was Halloween, and her priority was to go hang out with friends and party it up. That is fine. But don’t tell me you miss me and you want to spend time with me. You had an opportunity to spend time with me and you made your decision. And that decision did not include me.
So after that incident I was annoyed. I’m mean this is who she is, right? So why am I surprised.
Fastforward to yesterday morning. Again, she is doing the “I miss you” thing. And me being the person I am, I say, “You can’t miss me that much, because you chose to hang out with your friends instead of going to the movies with me.” She responds with her signature dumbfounded look, “Well I had plans that day already.”

I’m glad to know where I fall in your priority list.

Then she goes on to say we can go sometime this week. Seriously? Don’t do me any favors. So I say to her, I don’t think we should, this back and forth isn’t working, and it just makes things harder. And that is the end of that conversation.

THEN

She comes home this morning at 6am. AT 6 FUCKING AM.

She has made it very clear. She doesn’t give two shits about me. I am so enraged I send her a text message when I hear her door close.

Are you just getting home? Seriously? I know it’s none of my business, but seriously?

She comes into my room and I just lose it. How can she possibly say she misses me and then stay out until 6am?? On a Monday night?? Are you doing sleepovers already? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK.

I ask her how she can at one point say she misses me and want to spend time with me and then pull some shit like that. She says she was watching football at a friend’s house and drank too much, so she slept on the floor. She says she is confused because yesterday I told her it wasn’t a good idea for us to hang out. I can’t even take that bullshit statement! I say you are an adult and you make your own decisions and this last sequence of decisions makes a few things very clear.
She can’t possibly be that stupid. I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to hangout because I am at the BOTTOM of your fucked up little priority list. I deserve better than that. Your response? Instead of trying to prove that I am at the top of your priority list you spend the night at someone’s house? Way to go there genius. You made yourself perfectly clear.
I scream and yell about not giving a fuck who her friend is that she stayed with…. That is beside the point, why would I believe anything she says anyways. I finally just say, you can do whatever you want, but please stop going back and forth with me with the “I miss you” and “let’s hangout” because CLEARLY you have made the decisions that you have made for a reason, so stop dragging me along. And that was it. End of the conversation and surprise, she had nothing to say.

You would think that I get it by now. This is it. There isn’t anything else.

I can barley take this anymore. I need to find a job in NYC like yesterday.