So I have been seeing my therapist since September… and maybe I give myself too much credit, but I have always thought that I am a pretty smart girl. Well, maybe I am actually smart, but clearly I am blind.
How could I have not noticed these patterns in my life? My Father, N, my friends, work…. Every aspect of my life has a similar pattern. I somehow feel some short of responsibility over someone or something and I take over. Never fear… “Getting Close to 30” is here. To the rescue again. Always picking up the pieces of someone’s shit. Or trying to glue it back together for that matter. Who is picking up my pieces? Who is worried about gluing my pieces back together? This isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame. It is about recognizing my patterns. And understanding what roll I play in this mess.
I had an “Ah-Ha” moment when I was talking to my therapist about how annoyed I was with work. I had been working like CRAZY doing someone else’s job. I rationalized it because he had other stuff to do, and didn’t have time to cover everything. But what about the other shit I had to do? Is his stuff more important than mine?? Uh, No. Again, that sense of responsibility to jump to the rescue. And what the fuck do I get out of it? Absolutely nothing. Well, that’s not true I get to feel resentful and annoyed. Sound familiar?
There really isn’t anything to say about N. It’s over. We broke up. She will never be what I am looking for. I guess it is just really hard to accept that. Well, it’s not that hard, because she hasn’t even fought for me. Not really fought for me. She’ll randomly make comments like, “I miss you”. But that is it… then she goes out with her friends and stays out until the wee hours. She even asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. I told her the only day I was available was Saturday night… she was like, “oh, that’s Halloween.” WTF does that have to do with anything?? So going out on Halloween is more important than spending time with your ex-girlfriend whom you claim you want back?? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I get it now God, she’s not the one for me. Why though? Why can’t I have someone who loves me so much that they don’t mind forfeiting club time for time with me? Why can’t I have someone who is a responsible adult who will look for a stamp on an envelope before just throwing it in the mailbox? (Long story) I want someone who is going to match my drive and ambition. Someone I can depend on, and don’t have to be a “Mom” to. I guess somewhere back deep down beneath all the anger I do kinda wish N was that person…. But then my head goes, “Uh, Hello…. WAKE UP! You deserve someone who will fight for you”.
*Sigh*
How did I get here?
sounds just like me. i totally understand what you're saying. i just started a new job this week and not one person, NOT ONE, not even my mother, asked me how it is going. that really bugs me. i mean, i CARE about EVERYONE. if i care about someone i will do special things for them, i will call and ask after a scary appointment or a big day, but will anyone do that for me? no. no one cares. not even my freaking parents. its depressing sometimes.
ReplyDeleteand, i get the relationship part too. i think as a mature 30 year old who has my shit together (relatively speaking...everything but relationships) it is pretty much impossible to find someone SINGLE (when did everyone get married?!) that is even remotely right for me. i meet PLENTY of married right for me guys, but no single ones. makes you feel like a bad person, like there's something wrong with you. but there's not. the other option is just to not be picky and settle, but i am not the settling type. what i'm learning is that i deserve better, i deserve more, and if that means being single but not being treated like shit, then so be it. i don't know if any of this is making sense, but i DO understand what you're saying. you seem like a smart, fun, tough chick, and i'm glad to hear you are taking some time to figure things in your life out instead of just denying it or throwing yourself blindly into something else. take care hon, keep writing!
you do deserve that person,and it will happen when the time is right. You have somethings to work on, falling back in love with yourself is such a beautiful process. Take time for you...then you will be ready to fully accept and appreciate that person you desire, who will not only meet but exceed all your expectations :)
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