So I have been seeing my therapist since September… and maybe I give myself too much credit, but I have always thought that I am a pretty smart girl. Well, maybe I am actually smart, but clearly I am blind.
How could I have not noticed these patterns in my life? My Father, N, my friends, work…. Every aspect of my life has a similar pattern. I somehow feel some short of responsibility over someone or something and I take over. Never fear… “Getting Close to 30” is here. To the rescue again. Always picking up the pieces of someone’s shit. Or trying to glue it back together for that matter. Who is picking up my pieces? Who is worried about gluing my pieces back together? This isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame. It is about recognizing my patterns. And understanding what roll I play in this mess.
I had an “Ah-Ha” moment when I was talking to my therapist about how annoyed I was with work. I had been working like CRAZY doing someone else’s job. I rationalized it because he had other stuff to do, and didn’t have time to cover everything. But what about the other shit I had to do? Is his stuff more important than mine?? Uh, No. Again, that sense of responsibility to jump to the rescue. And what the fuck do I get out of it? Absolutely nothing. Well, that’s not true I get to feel resentful and annoyed. Sound familiar?
There really isn’t anything to say about N. It’s over. We broke up. She will never be what I am looking for. I guess it is just really hard to accept that. Well, it’s not that hard, because she hasn’t even fought for me. Not really fought for me. She’ll randomly make comments like, “I miss you”. But that is it… then she goes out with her friends and stays out until the wee hours. She even asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. I told her the only day I was available was Saturday night… she was like, “oh, that’s Halloween.” WTF does that have to do with anything?? So going out on Halloween is more important than spending time with your ex-girlfriend whom you claim you want back?? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I get it now God, she’s not the one for me. Why though? Why can’t I have someone who loves me so much that they don’t mind forfeiting club time for time with me? Why can’t I have someone who is a responsible adult who will look for a stamp on an envelope before just throwing it in the mailbox? (Long story) I want someone who is going to match my drive and ambition. Someone I can depend on, and don’t have to be a “Mom” to. I guess somewhere back deep down beneath all the anger I do kinda wish N was that person…. But then my head goes, “Uh, Hello…. WAKE UP! You deserve someone who will fight for you”.
How did I get here?