Thursday, December 8, 2011

Wedding dresses, marathons and getting older...

Hello again!!

Sooooo.... remember that wedding dress I was dying to try on? It looked horrible. I never considered myself very tall....but the the dress hit my ankles. Ridiculousness.

I've tried on a few more since then,  but no "OMG I NEED THIS DRESS" moments quite yet. I'll get more serious as we get closer, but first things first, we have to make it official and get engaged. Now just to get the money to buy it....


That is a whole other story. Money. J isn't working, she is however getting unemployment and still has a nice chunk of change in savings. But I'm a little scared. What if when the money runs out she still isn't working? We'll be a 1 income household and that means money will be tight... which also means spending 2 grand on a ring is out of the question... at least until there is some stability. I have faith in her and her skills and her motivation.... and the universe of course and I know that everything will workout perfectly and we'll have all the money we need plus some.

The next update..... since weight loss is always a struggle for me, J had the idea that I focus on a goal instead of pounds lost. Sooooooo we both signed up for a half marathon. 13.1 miles. Why? Why would you want to run for 13 straight miles?? lol! Why not!? I've ran for years, but never long distances. I ran 5 miles for the first time ever this past week... it feels amazing, so I'm going to keep running. The weight will come off.

And what a perfect time to do this..... 30 is coming up hard and fast and I'm going to be in the best shape of my life. Promise.


Thursday, November 3, 2011

Looks like I'm a once a monther...

I just wanted to say hi... and I missed you guys, it's been almost a month again. I haven't forgotten you... just caught up in other things.

J and I have been living together for almost 2 months and things are going great... I couldn't be happier.

G will be here in about a month and a half and I can't wait to see her! It's been a whole year almost.

I think I'm going to drag her wedding dress shopping during her visit. :-)

Yep, wedding dress shopping.

Here's what I am envisioning...

*sigh* soooo pretty!

On a completely different note, I'm a little bit torn because my good friend M.... remember her? Part of the 'Angel's'... well she has fallen off the face of the planet. She's never been good at keeping in touch, but there was a point in time when she would at least respond to an email. Now.... nothing. At first I was concerned... maybe something is going one. They just got married, maybe that are trying for kids, or maybe there is stress at work... I dunno. But regardless, she hasn't responded to one email. Her wife responds, but she doesn't. Did I do something? I just thought we were closer than that. What do you do in this situation?? I'm sure I'll see her when G is in town over the holidays, but do I even say anything?? Let me know your thoughts.

See you in about a month... hopefully I can make it sooner. :-)


Friday, October 7, 2011

Bff forever and ever...

I had to share this... a FB note from G...made me smile today.

"remember when you threw a chair at me because I wanted to fight and you wanted to walk away? Or when we got in an argument over adding a champagne bottle sticker to a baby book? Or when you bought me a pack of huge granny panties after my surgery? Or when my devil cat chewed a whole in your sweater? Or when you allowed me to be a "tomboy" for a few months as you did my girlfriends eye makeup? Or when we had a dance party in pumps and fishnets for my birthday because it was a snow storm? Or when you fell off the toilet in the pool bathroom at your 25th- wait you wouldn't remember that! or when I tried to get E to sleep with us? (hold up , was that you?) :) I miss youuuuuu. I can't wait to see you."
She'll be here in 2 months... can't wait to see here. Nothing like a best friend.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

Running in circles…

I’m back on the weight loss wagon.

Back with the trainer that I was working out with before.

I lost 14 pounds in my first week. Yes. You read that right, 14 pounds in 1 week.

Today (week 2), I ate… cheetos, bbq chips, 1 mini cheesecake bite, mushroom and eggplant lasagna and chocolate… oh and bbq chicken and potato salad and a bite of peach cobbler.

Probably not going to loose much weight this week… I’m blaming it on PMDD.

That’s all I wanted to say. Please don’t judge me.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Remember the big moving drama I had mentioned at the beginning of the month? Well, all has worked it’s self out… we aren’t homeless, We signed a lease last Friday!

We went back and forth a few times and put a deposit down on a one bedroom apartment in-town at a trendy apartment complex. It was $1,000 per month so we figured we could suck it up to save the money for the wedding.


When we looked at the model it was a two bedroom with the same layout, just minus the second bedroom. Well when we went to look at the actual one bedroom, we looked at each other and said, No. It was cute, but it was just too damn small for all our shit, even with the 10x13 storage unit.

We were so exhausted of searching we started backtracking and called the owners of a 3 bed/2 bath condo that we had seen previously and had dubbed “Heartbreak Hotel” (because the complex looked like a set for an old 70’s porn movie). We didn’t think anyone would want ‘Heartbreak’ cause it was so old and tacky on the outside.

Wrong again.

It was gone. But maybe that was good, we don’t want to live somewhere named “heartbreak” anyways… what kind of fucked up premonition is that anyways?

Next phone call went to a really cool and trendy 2 bedroom/2 bathroom townhouse that we had also seen before and had went as far as being approved to lease it, but then got cold feet and backed out. The landlord played hard-to-get a little and told us that he had another couple that was interested, and he would let us know if they decided not to take it. Turns out the other couple got cold feet as well, so the townhouse was ours!!


Finally. Lawd have Mercy.

Granted we had to give the man all of our money ($1200) for the deposit and loose the $175 that we put down on the one bedroom, but I know we made the right decision. The new place is going to be so awesome!

I don’t know what we were thinking anyways, the townhouse is only $200 more a month and it is 1480 sqft versus the 855 sqft at the one bedroom. It’s definitely worth it. Definitely.


We’re moving-in in about 3 weeks, so I will post a few pictures soon.

I’m super excited for J and I to finally and officially merge our lives together. <3

Talk to you all soon! Toodles! :-)


Saturday, August 6, 2011

Bad Blogger

*sigh* How I missed you.

I’m a very bad bloggeres… it’s been over a month since my last post. Trust me, it’s not because I haven’t had things to say. I guess I’ve just been über busy.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I started another blog, a food blog, and as much as I want to share it here, I can’t because I kinda like the whole anonymous thing. However I will say, that I am the proud owner of my very first (dot)com… which I am super excited about. It still needs some work, but I’m really enjoying it and I see lots of opportunities coming from it.

So that’s that.

In other news...

I’m still fat. In fact, fatter than before, 219lbs to be exact. I don’t know what happened. Well, I do know what happened, I stopped paying attention to my diet and stopped working out. I rejoined LAfitness, but haven’t gotten a steady habit going yet. I’m working on it. I should probably start my weigh-ins ever Friday again, but I’m not going to make any promises yet.

Now, let’s talk about money. I’ve updated my financials in the column to the right. Money wise, things aren’t too bad. I’ve got a few big expenses coming up, but I’ve been saving, so that should be too big of a deal. I did run Credit Card #1 up a little again, but it’s not too bad and I will have that paid off (again) before the end of the year. What I am really looking forward too is J and I moving in together… that is going to free up sooooo much money, we’ll finally be able to really start saving for the wedding.

More on my love life… it’s great! As I mentioned, J and I are moving in together next month. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. Nervous because this the first time I will really, truly be living with my partner and as much as I love her, she is messy and drops her shit in piles all over the place. I’m not the tidiest person in the world either, so I know we will make it work, I just want us both to feel comfortable in OUR space. I’m so excited too though, just to be able to share a space and it be ours to build together and not have to worry about where this or that is and if it’s at my apartment or hers (hate that!). Not to mention we will be cutting major costs. Between our 2 apartments we spend about $2100 on rent and utilities, which is ridiculous. Our budget for our new place is about $1200/month for rent $200month for utilities… that is freaking $700 saved a month. Unreal.

Anywho, the new home search it’s self is a big ol’ pain in the ass. We have to have looked at at least 20 different properties, ok I’m exaggerating, maybe more like 10, but it seems like so much more because we haven’t loved anything. Not to mention all the shit we have to shift through on the internet before we find something even worth looking at. We’ve got one place in mind, we’ve dubbed it the ‘heartbreak hotel’ because the community looks like an old porn set from the 70’s…. yep, you heard me. The inside of the condo is gorgeous, but the community… not so much. I’ll have to dedicate a whole post to the home search.

That is it for now. I promise it won’t be another month before I write again…. Talk to you guys soon. Have a great weekened!!


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Congrats New York...

It's about fucking time.

I still can't for the life of me  understand the big fucking deal.

We separated church and state in this country for a reason... and here you are pushing your religious beliefs on me. Just because I am gay doesn't mean that I shouldn't be able to get married-- you may think it's wrong, but quite honestly I don't give a fuck what you think. And for the record, who the hell are you to say my love isn't as real as yours? Really? Just think about it people, it's asinine and ignorant. Grow up.

Hopefully the rest of the USA will chime in soon. 


Such a Pretty Face…

Yes… this is another Fat blog.

You know, one of those blogs where the writer complains about her weight and other people’s reaction to her ‘thickness’.

I am so sick of people saying I have such a “pretty face”. Do you not understand that I take that as an insult? It’s like saying, your face is pretty, but DAMN the rest of you is fucked up!

Ok, so maybe that is just me projecting, but really people, you can’t possibly think that that is a compliment. Really, I wish people would just stop. Just don’t say anything if that is all you have to say. How about, you look nice today, or, you look beautiful…. Or gosh, you are one stunning lady. Not… hmm, you have such a beautiful face.. then look at the rest of me like, “such a shame.”

Again, I may very well be projecting, but it pissed me off today. As I was lounging at the pool talking about how I wanted to be as small as I was last year… the young lady decided to tell me that I had a beautiful face, great boobs and my arms weren’t fat at all… and oh, and you’re light skinned.


Insert angry “light-skinned” lady here.

I feel angry and sad… and pissed. I know I am a beautiful person, but I’m not happy in my skin right now. As much as I want to lose weight, I’m not trying. And as much as I hate my body, I’m still eating and not working out nearly as much as I need to.

I’m frustrated and angry. Mostly at myself.

Hopefully I’ll come to and get it together soon . I don’t know how much longer I can allow my ass to expand.

Sorry for the angry post… but this is my life.

Maybe it’ll change soon.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Another year older, another year wiser?

Happy 29th birthday to me!

I’m going to have to change my name soon, “Getting Close to 30” will need to be “Getting really, really close to 30”... lol

It wound up being an amazing birthday… but it started out a little rocky.

J and I were the first ones at my roof top party and we sat and sat waiting for people to show up for a good hour before anyone got there. I felt like Carrie in the season 4 opener, “The Agony and the ‘Ex’-tasy” where Carrie is sits at the restaurant alone on her 35th birthday waiting for her friends that never show up.
“The longer I sat a that table the more alone I felt and it really hit me, I’m 35 and alone”
It was depressing and made me feel like I don’t have any friends. Which is ridiculous and of course it is different because I was with my soulmate, so I wasn’t alone… but it still hurt that no one was there. I was really, really upset… like tears upset. Part of me was angry at J… I guess I wanted to blame her for not making sure people were there ahead of time, but the reality is it’s not her fault people were 2-3 hours late. Part of me wonders if I made the mistake of alienating myself in this relationship. Have I shunned my friends? Is that why they weren’t there? Am I a bad friend?

So maybe I’ll try to reach out a little more because I don’t wanna be that girl….you know the girl that is only friends with her partner and her friends. I honestly don't think I am that girl now... but just to be certain, it may be time to schedule a girls night.

Someone said to me (when I was furiously texting on the roof top complaining) that I should be happy because I have what most people want… a diamond ring and a woman that loves me. :-) Very True.

Anyways… the birthday celebration did get better, I got some very, very delicious cupcakes and J got me tickets to see Rihanna for her LOUD tour…. Yaaaaay!! :-)

The days following I sizzled in the sun with friends, drank entirely too much liquor and spent 13 hours glued in front of the television. Yes, I said 13 hours. In the end everything turned out great.

So another birthday has come and gone and I am excited about where 29 will take me.


Friday, June 10, 2011

A few things…

Ok, so after that heavy, dark, depressing post I left a few weeks ago about being a food addict I feel like I need to do something to lighten the mood a little in this wonderful place that I come to dump my feelings, so here’s a little something that made me smile….

Note from J reads: Thanks for always creating a wonderful healthy home for us. You light up my life. <3 Me

I know you guys get tired of me gushing about J…. but she really lights up my life. :-)

In other news…

I finally started my food blog, but I’m using my real name there sooooooo, I won’t be posting any of that here. I really enjoying being anonymous and I’d like to keep it that way… it allows me to be free! So between the new blog and job searching… I feel like I never have enough time to do anything! Job searching is so freaking time consuming!

Oh and a very cute blog that I just started following OH HAPPY DAY is giving away a trip to PARIS for 2! Airfare and Hotel included. Get your name in ASAP! Click this link to find out how to enter...

Going to keep it short and sweet today, hope you all have an amazing weekend! I'll be back soon!


Thursday, May 26, 2011

I’m an addict.

(I can’t remember the last time I have posted twice in one day, but this is important, so I must share.)

I’ve tossed that word around over the years, but it wasn’t until just now when I read this post from Elle at a Prior Fat Girl that I realized that it could actually be true.

I had to google it just to be certain, but sure enough this pops up on wikipedia:
Compulsive overeating, also sometimes called food addiction, is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship to food. Professionals address this with either a behavior-modification model or a food-addiction model.[1] An individual suffering from compulsive overeating disorder engages in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression. Unlike individuals with bulimia, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their binging with purging behaviors such as fasting, laxative use or vomiting. Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry. Their obsession is demonstrated in that they spend excessive amounts of time and thought devoted to food, and secretly plan or fantasize about eating alone. Compulsive overeating usually leads to weight gain and obesity, but not everyone who is obese is also a compulsive overeater. While compulsive overeaters tend to be overweight or obese, persons of normal or average weight can also be affected.
“Addiction can also be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it.”
I may not be morbidly obese like the woman in Elle’s story, and I may not be as extreme as the wikipedia definition, but I absolutely have the same problem.

I lie about food.
I hide and sneak food.
I binge on food, even when I’m not hungry per se, it’s more so just trying to feed the deprivation that I create in my mind after a period of ‘being good’.

I literally have tears rolling down my cheeks.

J is going to kill me, she doesn’t know about this. But I have to write it.

Just last week I ate McDonald's. In my car. In the parking lot at work. And I didn’t tell anyone about it. No one. Sat in my car and ate alone. Ten piece nuggets, cheeseburger, medium fries and a coke. I ate every last bite and then disposed of the evidence in the dumpster after double checking my car to make sure a lone fry or any other remnants wasn’t left in my car for J to see.

I am ashamed and don’t want her to know that despite all my efforts food still won.

And it’s not the first time.

Although, it’s definitely been a quite while. I was doing well when I was working out with my trainer, but the moment I stopped and life started happening again, all those old feelings came bubbling back up like the acid reflux I have been experiencing, the idea that- I’m not allowed to eat anything – and I’m never going to reach my goal weight.

Is it just about sabotaging myself because I don’t think I can do it? Or because I don’t trust myself?

Or maybe I feel out of control, so I control what I want to eat when I want to eat it regardless of its effect on my body and emotional state?

I understand that this is ridiculous because the reason I don’t eat that crap is because it’s not good for me and I want to be healthy, not because I can’t have it. But really, practically on some real-life shit, I still crave things that aren’t good for me.

There are definitely times when I am doing ‘good’ and I’m craving healthy foods and strenuous workouts, but there are those other times when I want to binge on all the things I can’t have, and when I eventually do give in, I feel guilty and hopeless.

I don’t know how to fix it.

I want to be healthy.

I don’t want to EVER have to hide food.

I am ashamed and disappointed… and a little sad.

So at the end of all this, the crying and the feeling ashamed, it does make me want to be better and fight harder and be my own motivation, but what scares me is what happens when that runs out and I’m back to the core of a binge eater. How do I change that part of me? How do I really truly make a lifestyle change? Is it realistic to never, ever eat pasta again, or bread…. Or a cupcake. Is that just it? I’m not responsible enough to have it?

Maybe I need to go back to something like weight watchers and relearn that it’s ok to eat the things I want, but only in moderation?

I’m a smart girl and I understand that you have to eat less and work out more to loose weight…but somewhere there is a disconnect.

Something has got to give.

Just to clarify, I didn’t intend for this to be a ‘woe-is-me’ post. Reading Elle’s story really shook me and made me what to acknowledge that I’m no different than that lady buying two dozen deviled eggs for a "party". As much as I want to separate myself, I can’t. It also made me realize that I DO NOT WAN TO BE THAT GIRL.

So I won’t.

I will let go of the guilt that surrounds food. I will workout hard but I will not deprive myself. I will learn moderation even if it means starting over again with a tool like Weight Watchers. I trust myself and I don’t need french fries to make me feel like I can ‘have things’… because at the end of the day I get to have a healthy mind and body.

Thanks for listening.

Side note for Mom:
I’m ok Mom, I promise... thanks to you I am a strong woman and even though this is hard and it sucks big fat asscakes, it’ll all work out to be perfectly fine. HDGDL

Side note for J:
I confessed my sin; please don’t give me the eyes of disappointment when I get home. Love you.


It's not Friday yet...

I have soooo many things I want to talk about.

First that I really, really miss G who is out in the middle of no where serving in the Peace Corps, and How J and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary in Miami during a big lezzie pride weekend 2 weeks ago, and the wonderful weekend we had in NYC as I accompanied J to a career changing and inspiring workshop this past weekend. 


But, the number one thing is how I am beginning to absolutely despise my job.

Ok, not really my job, more so just my dick-head boss.

Ok, maybe my job too.

Any who...I'd love to elaborate on all these things, but I am literally looking for jobs as I type this and also working on another little project for my side business.

Sooooo I'll get into that more later.

On another note...

Here's a little something that kinda made my day this morning....

It's not a huge drop in fact it is tini-tiny considering the last time I weighed myself... but with the rate that things have been going, I'm happy with this number.

No, I don't want to talk about the drinks in Miami, or the Chinese food, pizza, hot dogs and more in New York, or the fact that I have only workedout twice in the last 2 weeks.

Why is it so hard this time?!

I think it may be time to join LA Fitness again. I keep going back and forth with this. I have a gym in my apartment community, but it's nothing special (2 treadmills, an elliptical and weights) and it takes a shit-ton of motivation to get me there because it's sooooo boring. If I have my gym clothes in the car and I'm paying LA Fitness 30 bucks a month, I should have a tad bit more motivation, no? Or is this just another cop-out excuse to blow some money?

Don't know, but I shall keep you posted on what I decided.

Have a wonderful day.... I'll be back very soon :-)


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

She “Put a Ring on It” :-)

Annnnnnnnnnddddddddddd.... a month later I’m back! And with the big news that I was supposed to share ‘tomorrow’… oops, sorry! :-/ Family was in town, work, out of town, work... one thing after another and no time to blog, and then when I had time the blogger was down... wtf...

So anyways… here’s the big news….

My girlfriend "liked it" soooooo.... she “Put a Ring on It” !! :-)  *doing the single ladies dance*

I should say that it is not an engagement ring…. It is a commitment ring, but I’m wearing it on my left hand. Everyday.

Fucking lesbians.


Of course there’s the whole background story too…

*warning* gushy, mushy, cheesy love story ahead :-)

She emailed my sister on facebook and got my Mom’s info to email her a picture of the ring. (How cute right!? <3) She said she wanted to include them in the whole commitment ring thing since they were going to be in town and because chances are they won’t be here when we actually get engaged. She told them that she loved me and she knew she wanted to spend her life with me and that she wanted to give me the ring as a promise to me, and to us and to them. So everybody knew about the ring except for me! <3

After dinner with my family for my sister’s birthday celebration, she asked if I wanted to sit outside and chat with her for a little bit before I went in, we chatted a little bit and she said had something for me at her house and she wanted to run and get it really quick. I rode with her since she only lives like 3 minutes away.

**A little side note, things were a little tense because we hadn't been spending much time together. She felt a little neglected and I felt overwhelmed. With my family in town, we didn’t have as much time to just talk and be... of course it was perfectly fine and understandable because it's my family from thousands of miles away whom I love millions and billions and hardly ever see, so she understood, but it was still an adjustment to go from always being available to each other to working time in between site seeing and traveling with the fam.**

So with that said... I was already a little on edge and emotional.... then when we got to her house she gave me the cute little gift bag and card. First I read the card, and immediately busted out into tears. It was so sweet and loving and exactly what I needed. Then the gift bag... I was wondering what it was, but I assumed it was some of my favorite colorful jewelry from Target or some other little memento of her love… but it was oddly heavy. Then I saw the JARED BOX and cried a little more, ok a whole lot more. It’s such a beautiful ring…. I love love looooooooove it.

I know it shows silly because I know she loves me, but there was a sense of relief that came over me…. Like she really wants me, like for real, like really, it’s not just talking. I know a lot of people don’t understand the whole commitment ring thing, but it is absolutely the sweetest thing anyone has ever done. I know it is just a piece of jewelry, but it means so much more than that, just the gesture and the meaning behind it. I’m so in love with her and I’m really REALLY grateful to have found someone who loves as hard as I do, and who thinks about the details and wants the same things and is not afraid of being vulnerable.

Oh did I mention that I gave her a ring too?? :-) It was a few weeks after I got mine; I really wanted her to have one too... so my sister and I shopped around for a while and I finally settled on one from Jared too.

Here’s both the rings…

J's on the left.... mine on the right <3

I’m so in love and I’m soooo happy to be in a relationship with someone that puts as much effort into this as I do.

She never ceases to amaze me. <3


Friday, April 22, 2011

Friday weigh-in…

Let me preface this by saying I started working out with a trainer last Thursday and he has been KICKING MY ASS.

1 hour workouts Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.

And he also has me on a limited 2 week meal plan: fruits, veggies, lean meats (only grilled, baked or seared), baked potatoes (white or sweet) and a gallon of water a day. So no carbs, no chocolate, no alcohol, nothing…. Fun.

So when I began my training he weighed me in at 219.6. (Which I fought tooth and nail, his scale is definitely fucked up! I weighed myself that morning and I weighed 212… so that is what I’m going with.)

Anyways…. Long story short, I lost 6 pounds according to his scale over the week- 213.6 , but according to my scale….


Funny, because that is what I weighed last Friday (on my scale).

WTF is going on here? Am I losing or not?

How can I loose 6 pounds on his scale and nada on mine?

I feel healthier and my pants are fitting better, so I know I have at least lost inches, but what the fuck is up with this scale garbage??

Anywho… I’m not sweatin’ it because I’m kicking ass and taking names. J

Have a wonderful weekend!


P.S. I have some exciting news! I’ll post details tomorrow!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Friday Weigh-in...

Annnnnd I'm back!

Cancun was awesome!! Soooooo beautiful. It was a much needed break, but I am already exhausted again and in need of another vacay. Which is perfect because Mom and Sis are here and I'm on vacation for the next week!  Very excited to not have to go to that stupid place.

Anyways.... I skipped last week because I was out of town, but i did get a new scale and I did weigh myself this morning.

Drum roll please.....

That would be 211.8.

2.8 lost

What? So the formula is do nothing and you loose weight??

Go figure?! I'll take it though!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!


Saturday, March 26, 2011

I lied.

I didn’t buy a scale. I didn’t do a great job working out this week. And I ate cookies and at work.

I also said weigh-ins would resume yesterday and I didn’t post my weight. I weighed myself; I just didn’t want to post it.

So here it is…

Yes, it says 214.6.

Sooo… the number on the (old, dumb, broken) scale isn’t a huge surprise.

One good thing, I seemed to have figured out a few styles that work for my ever expanding hair. *embrace the bigness*

Another note… J has found a trainer for me. I need someone to kick my ass… because clearly I’m not motivated enough to do it myself. Hopefully he won’t be a million dollars and I can start that soon.

Something has got to give.

Outside of my weight rollercoaster and my frizzy fro… I’m super über excited because my sister will be her on Tuesday!! YAAAY!! We’ll go to Mexico next week (don’t stare at the beached whale please- ok seriously, I’ll be a hot beached whale cause I got this super cute vintage bathing suit) and then my Mommy will be here 3 days after we get back.

Can’t wait to have some relax time. *sigh* Is it Thursday yet??

You wonderful people have a wonderful weekend!


Saturday, March 19, 2011

Woe is me…

In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t weigh myself yesterday.

2 reasons for that… I was afraid I gained and my scale is going bonkers.

But mostly I just didn’t want to know.

I had a horrible week working out… not so bad on the food because I haven’t had much of an appetite at all… but still, I know my body and I need a good workout.

So blah, blah, blah… woe is me… blah, blah blah….

I don’t feel good on the inside… I’m struggling MAJORLY with my hair. I don’t think that I have mentioned but I am in the process of going natural… it’s been over a year and the only time I am actually happy with my hair is when I get it straightened. *sigh*

I know it’s dumb… but between the nappy hair and the big ass I still haven’t been able to get a handle on my motivation.

I took the time to watch some you tube videos about transition to natural hair… so I have a couple ideas on things to try… maybe if I feel better about the way that I look I’ll be more motivated to treat my body better.

Anywho… enough of the sob story… I’m going to Wal-Mart to buy a new scale, so I will resume weigh-ins this coming Friday.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.


Friday, March 11, 2011

Friday Weigh-in...

Drum roll please...

1.4lbs lost!

The week I actually think I'm gonna gain and I have the biggest loss yet this go round.

I almost didn't weight myself this morning because it's been an up and down week... I've been working out, but also not making the best food choices.

Go figure.

I can't figure out how my body works. It's bizarre.

Just a note... I got my hair 'did' last night... therefore I won't be working out again until Tuesday. Means I can't eat anything. Nothing at all. Haha... ok, not really, but I have to be mindful about what I put in my mouth.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!


Friday, March 4, 2011

Friday Weigh-in…

Incredibly shitty week. All around. Pmsing. Bloated. Binged on cookies.


I’ve been struggling. The food is the hardest part. There are days I just want to eat and it’s hard to keep the goal in site. It pisses me off that I can’t eat certain things… but then I think is it that serious?? Sometimes it feels like it is. Hopefully, I’ll get out of my funk soon.

On a happier note… I have been working out in the mornings… I did 5 days this week. I’ve only been getting in 45 mins to an hour, but I’ve been trying to push myself during my workouts and I’ve been doing a lot more strength training… hoping that it will boost my metabolism.

Anyways… on to the weigh-in…

0.4 lbs down

At least it wasn’t a gain.



Friday, February 25, 2011

Friday weigh in... (or fml... or I'm grateful for my beautiful, healthy, functioning body :-/)

You know...

Aunt flo is on the way... but I also ate oreos this week (another post to come on that)


0.6 lbs lost

FML!! I'm grateful for my beautiful, healthy, functioning body!

Have a wonderful weekend!


Friday, February 18, 2011

Friday Weigh-in…

1.6 lbs lost

It’s a start.

I’m more proud of working out 4 times this week and eating much MUCH healthier than I had been eating before.

Baby Steps.

Have a wonderful weekend!


Saturday, February 12, 2011

L.O.V.E. (warning: uber gay, cheese-fest V-day post)

As Valentine’s Day approaches I’m compelled to write about love…

We all want the same thing in life… to find love, to be loved and to give love.

Each time we enter a relationship we hope that this will be the ‘one’. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that it might not be it and then sometimes we know right away; but like they say… when you know… you know.

And I know.

Girlfriend is not perfect… and she is different from me in many ways. I’m an organized nerd that is addicted to stability and she is a free spirit that hates to pay bills and goes to whatever lengths necessary to follow her dreams. She does some things that drive me nuts… she has habits that are not ideal… and I know that I have my ‘perks’ too, but as crazy as it sounds I know that she is perfect for me.

This is the most loving relationship I have ever been in. We appreciate and respect each other and we take time to show it. She puts me first and she always thinks as a ‘two’. She is my best friend and the most amazing partner I’ve ever had. It’s the little things too, like how she looks at me with so much love in her eyes, how she always reaches for my hand when we are out and about or riding in the car, scrabble at 2am, Monday funday, conversations that last hours… She’s thoughtful, and caring… she’s affectionate, she appreciates me and she carries her own weight in our relationship. I can lean on her and know that she won’t fall under the pressure. And all of that makes me want to do the same for her.

And beyond all of that, it doesn’t feel hard.

As cheesy as it is… I’ve never been so in love in my life. <3

With all that I have been through, you would think that I would be jaded and incapable of trusting someone, but it’s just the opposite. After everything, what I have learned about myself is that I will always be ok. My heart can be broken and I can cry and be sad and depressed but after all of that I know that I still have me. And it’s that that allows me to give myself to J and be soooo vulnerable and not be jaded. I don’t have anything to lose. Nothing is guaranteed, I get that. I can only promise to do my best and give everything and she can only do the same. If we were ever to spilt ways, I would be crushed. Devastated. but I really think that you have to be in that space, you have to be vulnerable, you have to be able to be hurt in order to really give and receive love, because otherwise you are guarded and you can’t be guarded with one foot by the door and still expect to receive everything that you want in a relationship—you get what you give. So I give everything I can.

So on this Valentine’s Day I’m so grateful to have J… who ‘matches’ me in effort, mind, body and spirit to create the amazing love that we share.

Happy Valentine’s Day <3


Friday, February 11, 2011

Friday weigh-in...

This morning talking to J on the phone... "I'm only 20 pounds away from being on the Biggest Loser"

This is bullshit. I gotta do better.


Friday, February 4, 2011


Forever 21 was the culprit.

About a week or so ago J and I went to the mall to look for a birthday dress for her… it was normal enough, shuffling through clothes, wondering what very petite midget wears the mis-sized clothing floating on the racks, when I spot what seemed to be a very large (even by forever 21 standards) misplaced, beige, 3x, strapless dress.

I jump for a joy on the inside because I was under the impression that their plus size line had been pulled from most of the stores in my state. I proceed to walk around the store to find MY section… it’s a pretty big store, so when I spot someone with the yellow lanyard hanging around his neck I stop and ask…

“excuse me, do you still have a plus size section here?”

The underage twerp rolls his eyes, chuckles and says … “Um, no.” As though I have asked the most ridiculous question in the world.

I immediately shrink to about 2 inches and typical me my eyes swell with tears. I swallow back the tears and keep it moving because, number one I don’t want J to notice (which of course she does) and number 2, I feel like I don’t get to be sad and my feeling don’t get to be hurt, I got to this size on my own, it’s not Forever 21’s fault… or the douche bag that just saw me as another chubby girl in a skinny girls store.

J and I are so connected that she notices that something is wrong and when she asks it all spills over… I hate feeling bad about the way I look. I hate that I can’t buy clothes in regular stores. I hate that I let myself get this big again. The part that sucks the most is that tears are running down my face and I want to go eat something…I don’t wanna work out or try to change, I just want to crawl in a hole and eat.

Why is it so hard? Especially when I know I can do it because I’ve done it before. It’s just so frustrating because I did this to myself… again.

I’m at my highest weight ever and I can’t seem to find the motivation I need to get the weight off for good.

I need to loose 55 pounds…. That’s so intimidating.

It’s depressing.

But such is life…. Time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and do my best. I have to start now. I don’t want to be the girl that has a meltdown because there isn’t a plus size section in the trendy store.

First thing, I am going start my weekly weigh-in back up. Friday mornings, starting next Friday, I’ll weigh myself and I’ll post it right here. I gotta have some accountability, I can’t keep hiding and pretending like it’s not happening.

Second thing, I am going to commit to working out 4 times a week 4 hours total. Doesn’t matter when or how, but I have to get it in.

That’s it for now… in the meantime, if anyone sees my motivation wandering around can you please send it back to me??


Thursday, February 3, 2011

I’m not an Army brat anymore…

One thing I remember vividly from my childhood is saying goodbye to friends. It was just one of the ‘perks’ of being an Army kid. Every 2 to 3 years, my best friend was pcsing and saying goodbye. I can remember back to my 1st best friend… Jenn, I think I was 6 or 7 and I remember crying so hard when she left. You would think I’d get used to it and toughen up, but it never got any easier.

Fast forward to age 28… I’ve been living in the states for 12 years and I haven’t really had to say goodbye to a best friend since then. Well, until last week.

G left for the Peace Corps 6 days ago. I can’t even begin to explain the clusterfuck of emotions… I’m sooooooo very proud of her, I miss her, I’m nervous and anxious with her, I’m excited for her… but mostly I just miss having my bff near by. She is an amazing woman and most people don’t have the balls to do what she is doing, so I’m grateful that she gets to have this experience… she will be forever changed for it.

We did get to spend her last night here together… although we spent 99% of the time packing, cleaning, panicking, packing, packing and packing. Lol…. And I got to take her to the airport… although that may have been a mistake especially since I only got 45 minutes of sleep and she got none. Sleepiness seems to heighten emotions; because we were both a mess, tears, hugs and more tears… it was so hard to leave her at the airport. I guess I’m kind of a mother hen after all.

I’m not saying goodbye though… it’s just “See you later”… and she will absolutely be seeing me in the Caribbean… I don’t need much of an excuse to go to the beach!

Love you G! :-)


Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Remember the huge life changing surprise I had?

Well… it fell through.

They didn’t pick me. :-(

It’s complete bullshit.

Anyways… since it doesn’t matter anymore, I can tell you the big secret.

I auditioned for MasterChef…. A cooking show for amateur chefs that airs on Fox.

G and I drove out to New Orleans. 6 hours in the car… just me my bestie and my nerves… oh and my tasting dish on dry ice. I made Lime grilled shrimp with corn salsa and cilantro aioli… I must say it was pretty damn tasty.

I made it through the tasting round, personality round and the on-camera interview round.

Seriously, I made it really far.

Like to the point of signing confidentiality contracts and giving me dates of taping and stipend amounts if I make it to LA. Of course they were always really careful to mention that I was still in the running and not yet been selected, but still… all of that seemed to justify getting my hopes up.

But when it came down to being on the show, they didn’t pick me.

Woe is me.

The thought of possibly winning $250,000 by just doing what I love…. And the exposure on national television…

Man this is bullshit.

So I’m disappointed. But life goes on.

There is always MasterChef 2012.


Monday, January 3, 2011

Reflection on 2010…

As another year comes to an end and a new decade begins I am overwhelmed with excitement, love, gratitude and opportunity that this year brings with it.

Looking back on this past year makes me realize how much things can change with time.

January 2010…
I was getting over the breakup of my 5 year relationship… I was heartbroken and trying to find my footing. G and I went to LA for the most amazingly fun weekend ever. I started seeing a therapist, I jumped out of a plane with my best friend and moved out of the house I shared wit my ex and moved into an apartment with the city with G. January was an interesting month, I reunited with my alter-ego ‘Toni’… needles to say, I partied more than a little bit.

February 2010…
The partied continued…. Until I crashed. Literally.

March 2010…
I re-discovered myself, my spirituality and independence, and believe it or not, I did not find it in the bottom of a vodka bottle. I was going to the spiritual living center; I was working out (a lot) and I signed up for

April 2010…
I found love on . I continued my workout regimen and I did the Master cleanse for the first time and hit my lowest weight ever, 169.4 lbs. Love, happiness, progress and gratitude was seeping out of my pores. :-)

May 2010…
I went on an all girls getaway to South beach and had an AMAZING time with G and some of our other friends. I came home with a girlfriend and proceeded to fall head over heals in love.

June 2010….
I turned 28 and partied like a rock star! I was still on cloud 9 of my new relationship and trying to balance love, life, friends and work…. *hence the lack of blog posts*

July 2010…
I re-evaluated my financial situation and decided to ask for donations on my blog to help me get out of debt, a` la Save-Karyn. I gained ‘honey-moon’ pounds and J and I drove 12 hours to her home town to meet the parents.

August 2010…
Off to Vegas, J and I attended her Cousins wedding together and I TRIED to get back on track in the financial and weight departments. I also had a moment (or 2) about how much I am gonna miss G when she leaves for the Peace Corps…. :-(

September 2010…
I moved into a very awesome, very comfortable, very amazing one bedroom apartment of my very own and I started taking a Science of Mind class with G and began exploring my spirituality more. I was still basking in the honeymoon love with J…. but I finally came up for some air and reached out to some friends.

October 2010…
I got to go home and visit my family. I had some much fun spending quality time them and recharging my batteries. While I was gone, J and I started writing a joint fiction story that we are still working on; who knows… it might be published one day!:-) I also dealt with an internal battle of what my passion is and how to incorporate it in real life…. For the record, I think I’ve answered my questions, but I can’t talk about it quite yet!

November 2010…
I faced the reality that I no longer had the awesome tiny body that I managed to acquire back in May. I gained every pound back plus some…. We’ll just say its winter weight! Something that I didn’t blog about…. G and I took a road trip to New Orleans; we had so much fun together…. A great bonding experience that I’ll never forget.

December 2010…
Was just a few days ago, but I was fed up with my constant weight gain and decided to the Master Cleanse again. I lost 16 pounds, but sill struggled with maintaining a structured workout plan during the holidays. I wrote down a long term financial plan…. And even achieved my first goal! I helped J with a budget and experimented in the kitchen. J and I drove up to her home town again to spend Christmas with her family…of course I missed my family during the holidays, but we had a wonderful time and I was happy to spend it with her.

All in all 2010 was an awesome year…I am so grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life that have always supported me. Things haven’t always been easy, but I realize more and more that God is all there is and I am a strong amazing woman and even when I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel I know that its there.

2011 is going to be another amazing year!

Happy New Year!!


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