As Valentine’s Day approaches I’m compelled to write about love…
We all want the same thing in life… to find love, to be loved and to give love.
Each time we enter a relationship we hope that this will be the ‘one’. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that it might not be it and then sometimes we know right away; but like they say… when you know… you know.
And I know.
Girlfriend is not perfect… and she is different from me in many ways. I’m an organized nerd that is addicted to stability and she is a free spirit that hates to pay bills and goes to whatever lengths necessary to follow her dreams. She does some things that drive me nuts… she has habits that are not ideal… and I know that I have my ‘perks’ too, but as crazy as it sounds I know that she is perfect for me.
This is the most loving relationship I have ever been in. We appreciate and respect each other and we take time to show it. She puts me first and she always thinks as a ‘two’. She is my best friend and the most amazing partner I’ve ever had. It’s the little things too, like how she looks at me with so much love in her eyes, how she always reaches for my hand when we are out and about or riding in the car, scrabble at 2am, Monday funday, conversations that last hours… She’s thoughtful, and caring… she’s affectionate, she appreciates me and she carries her own weight in our relationship. I can lean on her and know that she won’t fall under the pressure. And all of that makes me want to do the same for her.
And beyond all of that, it doesn’t feel hard.
As cheesy as it is… I’ve never been so in love in my life. <3
With all that I have been through, you would think that I would be jaded and incapable of trusting someone, but it’s just the opposite. After everything, what I have learned about myself is that I will always be ok. My heart can be broken and I can cry and be sad and depressed but after all of that I know that I still have me. And it’s that that allows me to give myself to J and be soooo vulnerable and not be jaded. I don’t have anything to lose. Nothing is guaranteed, I get that. I can only promise to do my best and give everything and she can only do the same. If we were ever to spilt ways, I would be crushed. Devastated. but I really think that you have to be in that space, you have to be vulnerable, you have to be able to be hurt in order to really give and receive love, because otherwise you are guarded and you can’t be guarded with one foot by the door and still expect to receive everything that you want in a relationship—you get what you give. So I give everything I can.
So on this Valentine’s Day I’m so grateful to have J… who ‘matches’ me in effort, mind, body and spirit to create the amazing love that we share.
About a week or so ago J and I went to the mall to look for a birthday dress for her… it was normal enough, shuffling through clothes, wondering what very petite midget wears the mis-sized clothing floating on the racks, when I spot what seemed to be a very large (even by forever 21 standards) misplaced, beige, 3x, strapless dress.
I jump for a joy on the inside because I was under the impression that their plus size line had been pulled from most of the stores in my state. I proceed to walk around the store to find MY section… it’s a pretty big store, so when I spot someone with the yellow lanyard hanging around his neck I stop and ask…
“excuse me, do you still have a plus size section here?”
The underage twerp rolls his eyes, chuckles and says … “Um, no.” As though I have asked the most ridiculous question in the world.
I immediately shrink to about 2 inches and typical me my eyes swell with tears. I swallow back the tears and keep it moving because, number one I don’t want J to notice (which of course she does) and number 2, I feel like I don’t get to be sad and my feeling don’t get to be hurt, I got to this size on my own, it’s not Forever 21’s fault… or the douche bag that just saw me as another chubby girl in a skinny girls store.
J and I are so connected that she notices that something is wrong and when she asks it all spills over… I hate feeling bad about the way I look. I hate that I can’t buy clothes in regular stores. I hate that I let myself get this big again. The part that sucks the most is that tears are running down my face and I want to go eat something…I don’t wanna work out or try to change, I just want to crawl in a hole and eat.
Why is it so hard? Especially when I know I can do it because I’ve done it before. It’s just so frustrating because I did this to myself… again.
I’m at my highest weight ever and I can’t seem to find the motivation I need to get the weight off for good.
I need to loose 55 pounds…. That’s so intimidating.
But such is life…. Time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and do my best. I have to start now. I don’t want to be the girl that has a meltdown because there isn’t a plus size section in the trendy store.
First thing, I am going start my weekly weigh-in back up. Friday mornings, starting next Friday, I’ll weigh myself and I’ll post it right here. I gotta have some accountability, I can’t keep hiding and pretending like it’s not happening.
Second thing, I am going to commit to working out 4 times a week 4 hours total. Doesn’t matter when or how, but I have to get it in.
That’s it for now… in the meantime, if anyone sees my motivation wandering around can you please send it back to me??
One thing I remember vividly from my childhood is saying goodbye to friends. It was just one of the ‘perks’ of being an Army kid. Every 2 to 3 years, my best friend was pcsing and saying goodbye. I can remember back to my 1st best friend… Jenn, I think I was 6 or 7 and I remember crying so hard when she left. You would think I’d get used to it and toughen up, but it never got any easier.
Fast forward to age 28… I’ve been living in the states for 12 years and I haven’t really had to say goodbye to a best friend since then. Well, until last week.
G left for the Peace Corps 6 days ago. I can’t even begin to explain the clusterfuck of emotions… I’m sooooooo very proud of her, I miss her, I’m nervous and anxious with her, I’m excited for her… but mostly I just miss having my bff near by. She is an amazing woman and most people don’t have the balls to do what she is doing, so I’m grateful that she gets to have this experience… she will be forever changed for it.
We did get to spend her last night here together… although we spent 99% of the time packing, cleaning, panicking, packing, packing and packing. Lol…. And I got to take her to the airport… although that may have been a mistake especially since I only got 45 minutes of sleep and she got none. Sleepiness seems to heighten emotions; because we were both a mess, tears, hugs and more tears… it was so hard to leave her at the airport. I guess I’m kind of a mother hen after all.
I’m not saying goodbye though… it’s just “See you later”… and she will absolutely be seeing me in the Caribbean… I don’t need much of an excuse to go to the beach!