Friday, February 4, 2011


Forever 21 was the culprit.

About a week or so ago J and I went to the mall to look for a birthday dress for her… it was normal enough, shuffling through clothes, wondering what very petite midget wears the mis-sized clothing floating on the racks, when I spot what seemed to be a very large (even by forever 21 standards) misplaced, beige, 3x, strapless dress.

I jump for a joy on the inside because I was under the impression that their plus size line had been pulled from most of the stores in my state. I proceed to walk around the store to find MY section… it’s a pretty big store, so when I spot someone with the yellow lanyard hanging around his neck I stop and ask…

“excuse me, do you still have a plus size section here?”

The underage twerp rolls his eyes, chuckles and says … “Um, no.” As though I have asked the most ridiculous question in the world.

I immediately shrink to about 2 inches and typical me my eyes swell with tears. I swallow back the tears and keep it moving because, number one I don’t want J to notice (which of course she does) and number 2, I feel like I don’t get to be sad and my feeling don’t get to be hurt, I got to this size on my own, it’s not Forever 21’s fault… or the douche bag that just saw me as another chubby girl in a skinny girls store.

J and I are so connected that she notices that something is wrong and when she asks it all spills over… I hate feeling bad about the way I look. I hate that I can’t buy clothes in regular stores. I hate that I let myself get this big again. The part that sucks the most is that tears are running down my face and I want to go eat something…I don’t wanna work out or try to change, I just want to crawl in a hole and eat.

Why is it so hard? Especially when I know I can do it because I’ve done it before. It’s just so frustrating because I did this to myself… again.

I’m at my highest weight ever and I can’t seem to find the motivation I need to get the weight off for good.

I need to loose 55 pounds…. That’s so intimidating.

It’s depressing.

But such is life…. Time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and do my best. I have to start now. I don’t want to be the girl that has a meltdown because there isn’t a plus size section in the trendy store.

First thing, I am going start my weekly weigh-in back up. Friday mornings, starting next Friday, I’ll weigh myself and I’ll post it right here. I gotta have some accountability, I can’t keep hiding and pretending like it’s not happening.

Second thing, I am going to commit to working out 4 times a week 4 hours total. Doesn’t matter when or how, but I have to get it in.

That’s it for now… in the meantime, if anyone sees my motivation wandering around can you please send it back to me??



  1. Hey! I have been a reader of your blog for some time now but I have never posted a commnet. Today's post really touched me...thank you for sharing that.
    South Carolina

  2. in some countries "chubby" women are sex symbols...because the extra pounds are considered a sign of wealth and most importantly health. Now don't get me wrong, its uber important that you be a healthy weight and that you feel motivated to live your best life, but in doing so..there is no need to try and squeeze all the beauty, intelligence, humor,(and sex appeal) that is you...into a size 8. Because you're right...something that small could never hold you!

  3. You can do it you said you have done it before. Whatever size/weight you feel healthy and happy at is where you should be. If you want to drop a few it is very very possible. You are beautiful inside and out, always. Good luck!! Baby steps will get you to your goal...

  4. @Melinda, thanks so much for reading! I'm glad my post made you want to leave a comment... this weight thing really is a b*&^$#, and it affects people in so many ways. I know for me, I feel very alone in it sometimes, but it's good to know that someone out in the blogosphere can relate in one way or another. Thanks again for reading!

    lol @ J... I am grateful to have such an amazing woman that loves me exactly the way I am. Love you! <3

    Thanks G! I know I can do it... I guess I'm mostly just mad at myself for letting myself get to this size. I need to come hiking in your village... lol, is it a village? Maybe a Town?? lol... Love you!


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