Thursday, January 21, 2010

Could this be Happiness…

I have the most amazing friends in the world. Seriously. They make me forget that I am ‘supposed’ to be sad. Despite everything, I actually feel happy.

I spent last weekend in LA with G and one of my bestest guy friends who recently moved out there, we’ll call him W. He is the sweetest, most caring, true gentleman and best host ever. I would totally want to marry him if I was straight! I have not had that much carefree, ‘let it all out’, ‘leave all your problems behind fun’ in a good minute. The whole weekend was bonding with G and W, partying and seeing LA. It sounds silly, but I felt really connected to them both. They mean the world to me!

The motto of the weekend…

“Wish we could party all night and sleep all day and throw all of our problems away. Life would be easy…. Life would be easy!” :)

G and I actually wound up getting matching tattoos while we were out there. You guys know how much I love her, she is the best friend ever, so the tattoo is a small symbol of the connection we will always have. :) It’s a nautical star with a heart over the top of it. The nautical star symbolizes finding your way or finding your own path in life and of course the heart symbolizes the love that we share as ‘heart-sisters’. We both got it on our left sides, since that is the side that your heart is on. :) Cheesy, I know… but no matter where we are will always be together. :)

Unfortunately, the weekend had to end and I had to come back to work. Boo.

The good news is G and I are moving into our new apartment this weekend. The bad news is we procrastinated on the packing, so now it is a mad dash to get everything done. It is still very bittersweet. Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely thrilled to be cutting off all ties with N and officially moving on with my life, but it is still a lot to digest. It’s really truly over. BUT…. This also means I can start inviting girls over to the house without worrying that N will be home! :) Not that I have them lined up or anything, because trust me I don’t… but at least I can once I get that far!

Despite everything, I feel like I am in a good place and continuously moving forward to a better one. I’m still a little confused by what the hell I am going to do with my life and what the future will bring, but what 20something isn’t from time to time? I know that I am strong and I know that I am resilient and I KNOW that no matter how hard or how far I fall, I always get back up a better person.

Happiness according to Wikipidea:

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

I think I may be happy. :)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be…

Under this big smile, new hair cut and constant positivity, I can feel myself flailing…

I don’t know how else to explain it. I keep force feeding myself positive thoughts, ideas and energy hoping that at some point it will stay down. It’s not so much that I am sad, it’s more that I feel a little lost, confused and out of control.

G and I are moving out of the house that we share with N at the end of this month. My plans are to be completely moved to New York City by May. We are setup to sign a 4 month lease in our new apartment here until my big move to NYC. I have been searching and searching for a job in NYC and I have sent in well over 100 resumes and I’ve got nothing… not one single bite. It just hit me, just now… four months is NOT a long time, what the fuck am I going to do? G asked me a while back if I believed in my dream, I told her, I believe in it so much that it’s not a dream, it’s my reality. I’m trying really hard to hold on to that because the truth is, I honestly believed it when I said it. I’m in tears right now while I am typing this (at work) because I don’t know if I know how to hold on to it. And it’s not just the job thing that is holding me back… I am actually starting to enjoy myself here… just a little. As I start to get over the shock and pain of the heartache I don’t feel so inclined to run away. Don’t get me wrong I still lust after NYC, but I’m wondering where my motives come from. I am still finding my footing, but I realize how much I have here. My initial reaction was to get the fuck out of here as soon as humanly possibly, my heart is broken, my best friend is leaving the country, and my family doesn’t live here anyways…. Why would I stay? I guess I am realizing that regardless of where I live I am starting over… starting a new chapter, not just logistically speaking but emotionally as well. I think I fooled myself into thinking that if I moved to another city, my favorite city, I would be ok again.

God I hope I am only feeling this way because of PMS.

So at this point my first instinct is to extend our lease to 6 months; but doesn’t that make my ‘reality’ go back to being just a dream? Or am I being ‘responsible’ in a tough economic climate? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am capable of almost anything and I know that I can endure the weight of my fears… now I just have to figure out how to face them and move past them. Maybe this is a completely asinine explanation, but what if God put this fear in my heart because I need to stay here… at least for now?

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.

I think my biggest fear is the tinny, tiny possibility that NYC is just not written in my density…. But it’s not the ‘not being in NYC’ part that scares me, it’s the ‘what the fuck am I going to do with my life if I don’t have NYC as my new chapter’ part that really has me freaking out right now.

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be….. I really have to take this to heart and try to let go of the fear and let whatever will be, be… and stop flailing.

On another note…

Remember when G went Skydiving and I chickened out? Well, I’m done being a chicken! I signed up and paid… we are jumping on the 31st!

G mentioned it while I was at home for Christmas, that and I just kinda blew it off because, well, it’s terrifying. Then the other day I was posting this quote on Facebook from Marilyn Monroe, “We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” As I was typing it in my status box I thought, FUCK IT, Marilyn is so right, I’m just gonna to do it! I called up and paid that day…. It’s done, I’m gonna SKYDIVE!

I have some homework to do before the actual jump though…. This isn’t just me jumping out of a ‘perfectly fine’ plane; it’s about me standing up to my fears and saying FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T HAVE POWER OVER ME ANYMORE! (I’VE said fuck quite a lot today…. sorry… seems necessary!) I feel like I have to acknowledge all the things I am afraid of, upset about or just don’t have control over and accept whatever feelings I have over them, but then let them go; if I can jump out of a plane, I can most definitely do that.

I know skydiving is not going to make all my troubles go away, but it is making me be more deliberate and concise of my thoughts, feelings, intentions and actions….. And well, that’s a start.

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

How things change….

This morning I woke up startled, sad and on the verge of tears for reasons unbeknownst to me. Ok, I’m sure it didn’t help that I woke up late because my stupid Blackberry is on the fritz again, but it was more than that.

I’m not really sure how to explain it… maybe Aunt Flo is on the way and that is contributing to these feelings. I just feel overwhelmed.

Maybe I should give you a little update since I haven’t written in months...

N and I are so over we need a new word for over.

I still love her and this entire situation hurts my hurt, but I can’t go back- I can’t go back for sake of my own happiness, wellbeing and sanity. I just need more than what she can give. That doesn’t discount our relationship or make her a horrible person…. It just makes it over.


Apparently I was a caged animal that has just been let free. I have been partying like no one’s business! It is fun and liberating…. But I think I just realized that I really am using it as a façade to mask my hurt and pain. In the mist of this neurotic behavior I have managed to develop a crush on one of the least ideal women in this city! G says you can’t help who you like… I guess she is right, but I am still trying to figure out my motives. More about that later…


I am still seeing my therapist and she is really helping me to become aware of my patterns…. However, now I am trying to figure out what the hell to do now that I am aware AND how to shift my patterns to something/someone that is better for me.

So I’m sad and I’m hurt… but I know that I will be ok. I mean I REALLY, REALLY know that I will be ok (so don’t freak out Mom… I know you are reading this!) ..I’m excited and anxious to see what is going to happen next in my life, but I also know that there will be more mornings that I will wake up sad… and it’s ok, it’s a part of life and I can literally feel myself turning into a different person.

Happy New Year everyone! :)

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