Under this big smile, new hair cut and constant positivity, I can feel myself flailing…
I don’t know how else to explain it. I keep force feeding myself positive thoughts, ideas and energy hoping that at some point it will stay down. It’s not so much that I am sad, it’s more that I feel a little lost, confused and out of control.
G and I are moving out of the house that we share with N at the end of this month. My plans are to be completely moved to New York City by May. We are setup to sign a 4 month lease in our new apartment here until my big move to NYC. I have been searching and searching for a job in NYC and I have sent in well over 100 resumes and I’ve got nothing… not one single bite. It just hit me, just now… four months is NOT a long time, what the fuck am I going to do? G asked me a while back if I believed in my dream, I told her, I believe in it so much that it’s not a dream, it’s my reality. I’m trying really hard to hold on to that because the truth is, I honestly believed it when I said it. I’m in tears right now while I am typing this (at work) because I don’t know if I know how to hold on to it. And it’s not just the job thing that is holding me back… I am actually starting to enjoy myself here… just a little. As I start to get over the shock and pain of the heartache I don’t feel so inclined to run away. Don’t get me wrong I still lust after NYC, but I’m wondering where my motives come from. I am still finding my footing, but I realize how much I have here. My initial reaction was to get the fuck out of here as soon as humanly possibly, my heart is broken, my best friend is leaving the country, and my family doesn’t live here anyways…. Why would I stay? I guess I am realizing that regardless of where I live I am starting over… starting a new chapter, not just logistically speaking but emotionally as well. I think I fooled myself into thinking that if I moved to another city, my favorite city, I would be ok again.
God I hope I am only feeling this way because of PMS.
So at this point my first instinct is to extend our lease to 6 months; but doesn’t that make my ‘reality’ go back to being just a dream? Or am I being ‘responsible’ in a tough economic climate? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am capable of almost anything and I know that I can endure the weight of my fears… now I just have to figure out how to face them and move past them. Maybe this is a completely asinine explanation, but what if God put this fear in my heart because I need to stay here… at least for now?
Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.
I think my biggest fear is the tinny, tiny possibility that NYC is just not written in my density…. But it’s not the ‘not being in NYC’ part that scares me, it’s the ‘what the fuck am I going to do with my life if I don’t have NYC as my new chapter’ part that really has me freaking out right now.
Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be….. I really have to take this to heart and try to let go of the fear and let whatever will be, be… and stop flailing.
On another note…
Remember when G went Skydiving and I chickened out? Well, I’m done being a chicken! I signed up and paid… we are jumping on the 31st!
G mentioned it while I was at home for Christmas, that and I just kinda blew it off because, well, it’s terrifying. Then the other day I was posting this quote on Facebook from Marilyn Monroe, “We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” As I was typing it in my status box I thought, FUCK IT, Marilyn is so right, I’m just gonna to do it! I called up and paid that day…. It’s done, I’m gonna SKYDIVE!
I have some homework to do before the actual jump though…. This isn’t just me jumping out of a ‘perfectly fine’ plane; it’s about me standing up to my fears and saying FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T HAVE POWER OVER ME ANYMORE! (I’VE said fuck quite a lot today…. sorry… seems necessary!) I feel like I have to acknowledge all the things I am afraid of, upset about or just don’t have control over and accept whatever feelings I have over them, but then let them go; if I can jump out of a plane, I can most definitely do that.
I know skydiving is not going to make all my troubles go away, but it is making me be more deliberate and concise of my thoughts, feelings, intentions and actions….. And well, that’s a start.
Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.