Thursday, May 26, 2011

I’m an addict.

(I can’t remember the last time I have posted twice in one day, but this is important, so I must share.)

I’ve tossed that word around over the years, but it wasn’t until just now when I read this post from Elle at a Prior Fat Girl that I realized that it could actually be true.

I had to google it just to be certain, but sure enough this pops up on wikipedia:
Compulsive overeating, also sometimes called food addiction, is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship to food. Professionals address this with either a behavior-modification model or a food-addiction model.[1] An individual suffering from compulsive overeating disorder engages in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression. Unlike individuals with bulimia, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their binging with purging behaviors such as fasting, laxative use or vomiting. Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry. Their obsession is demonstrated in that they spend excessive amounts of time and thought devoted to food, and secretly plan or fantasize about eating alone. Compulsive overeating usually leads to weight gain and obesity, but not everyone who is obese is also a compulsive overeater. While compulsive overeaters tend to be overweight or obese, persons of normal or average weight can also be affected.
“Addiction can also be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it.”
I may not be morbidly obese like the woman in Elle’s story, and I may not be as extreme as the wikipedia definition, but I absolutely have the same problem.

I lie about food.
I hide and sneak food.
I binge on food, even when I’m not hungry per se, it’s more so just trying to feed the deprivation that I create in my mind after a period of ‘being good’.

I literally have tears rolling down my cheeks.

J is going to kill me, she doesn’t know about this. But I have to write it.

Just last week I ate McDonald's. In my car. In the parking lot at work. And I didn’t tell anyone about it. No one. Sat in my car and ate alone. Ten piece nuggets, cheeseburger, medium fries and a coke. I ate every last bite and then disposed of the evidence in the dumpster after double checking my car to make sure a lone fry or any other remnants wasn’t left in my car for J to see.

I am ashamed and don’t want her to know that despite all my efforts food still won.

And it’s not the first time.

Although, it’s definitely been a quite while. I was doing well when I was working out with my trainer, but the moment I stopped and life started happening again, all those old feelings came bubbling back up like the acid reflux I have been experiencing, the idea that- I’m not allowed to eat anything – and I’m never going to reach my goal weight.

Is it just about sabotaging myself because I don’t think I can do it? Or because I don’t trust myself?

Or maybe I feel out of control, so I control what I want to eat when I want to eat it regardless of its effect on my body and emotional state?

I understand that this is ridiculous because the reason I don’t eat that crap is because it’s not good for me and I want to be healthy, not because I can’t have it. But really, practically on some real-life shit, I still crave things that aren’t good for me.

There are definitely times when I am doing ‘good’ and I’m craving healthy foods and strenuous workouts, but there are those other times when I want to binge on all the things I can’t have, and when I eventually do give in, I feel guilty and hopeless.

I don’t know how to fix it.

I want to be healthy.

I don’t want to EVER have to hide food.

I am ashamed and disappointed… and a little sad.

So at the end of all this, the crying and the feeling ashamed, it does make me want to be better and fight harder and be my own motivation, but what scares me is what happens when that runs out and I’m back to the core of a binge eater. How do I change that part of me? How do I really truly make a lifestyle change? Is it realistic to never, ever eat pasta again, or bread…. Or a cupcake. Is that just it? I’m not responsible enough to have it?

Maybe I need to go back to something like weight watchers and relearn that it’s ok to eat the things I want, but only in moderation?

I’m a smart girl and I understand that you have to eat less and work out more to loose weight…but somewhere there is a disconnect.

Something has got to give.

Just to clarify, I didn’t intend for this to be a ‘woe-is-me’ post. Reading Elle’s story really shook me and made me what to acknowledge that I’m no different than that lady buying two dozen deviled eggs for a "party". As much as I want to separate myself, I can’t. It also made me realize that I DO NOT WAN TO BE THAT GIRL.

So I won’t.

I will let go of the guilt that surrounds food. I will workout hard but I will not deprive myself. I will learn moderation even if it means starting over again with a tool like Weight Watchers. I trust myself and I don’t need french fries to make me feel like I can ‘have things’… because at the end of the day I get to have a healthy mind and body.

Thanks for listening.

Side note for Mom:
I’m ok Mom, I promise... thanks to you I am a strong woman and even though this is hard and it sucks big fat asscakes, it’ll all work out to be perfectly fine. HDGDL

Side note for J:
I confessed my sin; please don’t give me the eyes of disappointment when I get home. Love you.


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