What are you afraid of?

I’m not really an anxious person…spontaneity and chance suits me, but I’m a little bit overwhelmed by some of the changes coming over the next couple of months.

First… G is going to be leaving for the Peace Corps… and I’m gonna miss her. I’m gonna miss her a lot. We don’t hang out and talk as much as we used to before I started dating J… but I’m really, really gonna miss her. In an odd way she is like a security blanket for me… yes we get on each others nerves from time to time, but she is like my sister and there is a comfort in knowing that she is always there. She knows me…I don’t always have to say what I’m thinking or feeling for her to get it and there aren’t many other people in my life that can do that. I’m so proud of her and I know that this experience is going to open a whole new world for her, but that doesn’t make me any less sad.

I think we sometimes take friendship for granted. Sometimes we are selfish. I don’t know if this is something that comes with age, or time, but we sometimes get so consumed with our own lives and romantic relationships that we forget to really nurture some of our most important relationships.

She doesn’t know when she is leaving or even where she is going yet, but knowing that time is looming over us makes it a little more real. It makes me realized that new chapter is on the horizon for us both.


Second thing… I have to move. Again.

Ugh.

The thought of moving again makes me violently ill… the packing, the cleaning, the sorting, the hauling, and the shit everywhere for weeks… such a pain in the ass.

It’s not just the moving part that is making me anxious; it’s the living alone and the paying all the bills alone that is overwhelming.

I have never lived alone. Ever.

On one hand I’m really excited. The thought of having my own space to do whatever I please is pretty thrilling. At the same time, I think it will probably get old and I’ll get a little lonely. In reality I won’t be ‘alone’ all that often… I’ll be bouncing between my house and J’s house… and she’ll do the same… but still, I’m 28 years old and I am finally gonna live alone.

The really big scary thing is paying all the bills alone. My rent is going to go up $250 a month and I won’t have anyone to split the utilities with. Of course I did my budget and everything fits… but there isn’t much money left over at the end of the month… and I’ll only be paying the minimum on my loan. I will still have my $200 per month direct deposited into my savings account, but it would probably be smarter to put at least half of that towards paying off the loan. I always have my yearly bonuses to look forward to as well… so I’m hoping I can have the loan paid off in about 2 years.

Part of me just wants to skip the whole living alone thing and move in with J. Splitting her rent and her utilities would allow me to save even more than I am saving in my current apartment… and it would help her out a lot too, especially because she doesn’t have any income coming in at the moment. I’m just afraid that it would be a detriment to our relationship. I know that I’m gonna spend my life with her, but moving in together is a big deal and I want it to be for the right reason… not just to save money. It is pretty tempting though.

So that idea is out.

The other option is to move back out of the city and save maybe $100-$150 on rent.

Hell no.

That idea is out too.

So maybe it’s not the most finically responsible thing to max out my budget to live in a great little apartment in the city, but my sanity and my happiness play a role in this decision too.

As overwhelming as it is, I am happy with my decision and I think it is the right choice.
The anticipation of change has got me on the edge of my seat…. But I know I everything will work out fine. It always does.

What are you afraid of?