Thursday, March 11, 2010

Hello again...

I haven’t written in a while… shame on me. I’ve wanted to write several times and starting typing, but then got pulled away for one reason or another.

I’m not sure where to start.

I’ve been sober for 25 days. Yes, I realize I sound like an alcoholic, I don’t want to go into details, but I was absolutely out of control and totally destructive.

My plan is to go 30 days. The point of this period of sobriety is to sit still and actually feel whatever I was trying to mask with the alcohol. Drinking made things seems so simple… I don’t give a shit about anything, I’ll say whatever to anybody and it makes me feel like my ‘situation’ isn’t a situation.

The truth is; I’m lonely. Which is normal I guess. But, I hate feeling like I am always available to other people, and other people aren’t available to me.

When did this happen?

I have a wonderful group of friends so I know that I’m not ‘alone’, but I guess I just didn’t realize how much of an adjustment single life would be. I was apart of a couple for most of my 20’s…. and now I am having to redefine and rediscover myself. I don’t think I really grasped the extent of that, hence the alcohol abuse…. Well, until now anyway.

I’m enjoying the time that I spend alone (most of the time). I feel like I am growing and searching to learn more about who this new me is and what I want out of life. Honestly, it’s hard…. It’s hard to sit still with your own thoughts, your own past, present and future with nothing blurring your view. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of distractions, but I’m trying to lean towards the non-destructive and non-life altering kind. It’s amazing how aware you become when just pay attention.

I’m a work in progress.

I find comfort in knowing that as traumatically painful and core-shaking as this experience has been, I know that I made the right decision for me and I will come out stronger, healthier and better because of it.

Everything happens exactly as it should…even when you think it shouldn’t.

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