Battling the fat girl living inside of me and Betty Crocker…

I haven’t been to the gym since last Wednesday.

I haven’t been eating badly, but I haven’t been to the gym in 7 days, and the only reason I went then was because I was out of town for business and I didn’t have anything else to do.

What do I have to do to get rid of the porker inside of me??

Didn't I enjoy working out at one point??

I keep saying all the things I need to do, and I’m ‘gonna’ do… Hell I stopped eating for 11 days cleanse my system and ‘re-boot’(11 days instead of 10 on the master cleanse, apparently J and I can’t count!).

Part of the problem is the holiday madness. Getting ready for our road trip, baking millions of delicious little treats as though my last name is Crocker… shopping, packing and shipping… just one thing after another.

The cookies turned out great by the way… here is the picture I promised:




Chocolate chip cookies, Nutella filled orange linzer cookies, Mexican wedding cookies (aka snowball cookies), butter cookies AND sugar cookies

Needles to say, my kitchen was quite a CF (cluster fuck) for a couple of days… but it was worth it…. I’m pretty sure the girlfriend’s family will enjoy them! Nothing like a homemade gift!
Good news is when we get back from our holiday road trip the cookies will no longer be in the house, there will be no gifts to wrap and I’ll have absolutely no excuse for not working out.

Talk to you guys when I get back…. Have a wonderful ChrisKwazHkah!

xoxo,
 

Falling asleep at work…

It’s one of those days.

I don’t know if it’s the weather or what, but I went to bed early- 1030pm and woke up around 715am and I am still dragging. Did I sleep too much??

*sorry, I nodded off in front of my computer* lol… such a dork.

On another note…. The girlfriend and I will be packing up a rental car and driving to her home town (12 hours away!) on Wednesday for Chirstmas. I’m pretty excited about it, because we had so much fun together the last road trip… not really looking forward to the driving though.

Over the weekend I made piles and piles of holiday cookies. My entire kitchen was covered with flour and sprinkles and chocolate… every surface was covered by something. I’ll have to snap a picture when I get home tonight.

Speaking of pictures… I never made the chocolate soufflé or Hollandaise; however I did assault half a dozen eggs trying to make a perfect poached egg… lol. It’s not quite as easy as I thought but I finally got it…. Thanks to some youtube videos and Juila Child.

Oh I can't forget, the girlfriend also made me breakfast in bed on Sunday. So very sweet! Pancakes, eggs, turkey bacon and fruit.  She loves me :-)

Keeping it short and sweet today…. You all have a wonderful day!

Oh wait….Did you guys notice I’ve been blogging more?? :-) 6 posts so far this month, compared to 1 last month. (whomp whomp)

Ciao!

xoxo,
 

I have a secret!

I have something sooooooo huge coming up and I want to talk about it soooo bad.

But I can’t.

I can’t say a word.

Don’t you hate when people do that. Say that have something über important to discuss, but can’t say??

I do. It’s the worst.

So sorry about that.

Seriously, you have no idea how bad I want to spill. Lol

Anyways…

Last night I made a traditional cheese soufflé for the first time… I think I over cooked it just a tad, but the taste was still delicious.



cheese  soufflé


I also made a  Roasted Garlic and Pepper Sabayon with Asparagus and Seared Scallops. OMG.Yum! First of all I looooove asparagus, but the Sabayon was heaven on a plate. The Sabayon is traditionally a dessert sauce, but the ingredients can be changed to just about any combination to make it savory.

  Roasted Garlic and Pepper Sabayon with Asparagus and Seared Scallops

I have Mastering the Art of French Cooking out on my coffee table just waiting for me to get home- I’m poaching eggs, making hollandaise and making chocolate soufflé tonight. Super excited! I’ll post pictures tomorrow!

SN: I am making all this stuff for the purpose of being a better cook- not to be a fat ass and eat it all, lol. I’ll be having a salad and just tasting/sharing my creations. And of course I will squeeze in some gym time too!

Have a wonderful day!

xoxo,
 

Food!!

So my final weight after the cleanse…. 197.2 lbs.

About 16 pounds lost in 10 days.

Not too shabby!

Here’s what I ate after a day of freash squeezed OJ and clear chicken broth…

It was delsious! Mixed greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, red onions, broccoli, dill and a homemade vinaigrette…. Yum!

I’m keeping it short today. Gotta get to the gym!

Have a wonderful night!


xoxo,
 

Master Cleanse 2, DAY 10!! Plus budgeting and being happy…

Its day 10, its day 10!!

Yaaaaay!!!

I had a dream last night that I cheated on day nine at some kind of appetizer buffet. Stuffed mushrooms, shrimp, crudités... Lol… guess it’s about time to eat again.

So, I just have to make through today (and tonight)… I’m going to a holiday gathering this evening with G, and there will be food and alcohol… and I’ll get to have lemonade and herbal tea… yummy. Ugh.

But tomorrow morning when I wake up…. ORANGE JUICE! Yum! Delicious fresh squeezed Orange Juice… I can taste it already, it’s gonna be the best juice of my life. Monday I’m gonna go ahead and go straight into raw fruits and veggies… which means SALAD! God, I can’t explain in words how excited I am about salad. *excited*

I plan on weighing myself tomorrow morning, so I will be posting that soon.

On another note… I finally got J to do a budget. Yay! We worked on it together and tailored it to fit her exactly… it’s working really well. She has this whole new found happiness about her… between the cleanse and all the things we worked on during these 10 days, it really has transformed us both. I swear having a budget relieves so much pressure and stress! I mean… yes, it’s difficult to stick to sometimes, but seeing that your money CAN actually work for you is a awesome feeling.

Needless to say seeing her happy and being happy myself really makes me feel good… on the inside and out. *smiling*

You guys have a wonderful weekend! I’ll be back soon with my skinny-mini new weight! (ok, maybe no skinny-mini, but definitely on the way!)

xoxo,
 

Master Cleanse 2, day 7…

Wooooo Hoooooo!! Only three more days left. Thank you GOD!

I have good news. I weighed myself yesterday…… 199.8lbs

Down 12.2 pounds! And out of the dreaded 200’s!

Again…. It’s a cleanse so I’m not eating any solid food, but I am getting about 1000 calories a day from the Lemonade and Maple syrup concoction…. So I know I will gain a few pounds back once I'm done, but I feel soooo much better and that feeling is what I need to continue to shed pounds.

I have been working out just about every day. So far I’ve gotten in a 30 minute cardio workout 5 of the 7 days, it’s definitely not an intense workout by ay means, but it’s got me moving again. Once I start eating I am definitely hopping on the treadmill to start running again- my goal is to get back up to running 2 miles in 20 minutes or less within a month.

I’m actually excited about working out (for real workouts, not just 30 min walks). When I started the cleanse, I had no desire what so ever… I just wanted to sit on my ass and eat. So Amen for that.

I’m really excited because I got exactly what I was looking for with this fast- clarity to listen to my body emotionally and physically and ENERGY to keep myself healthy.

I’ve also taken some time for myself during this period too. I took myself to the movies to see “Love and other Drugs”… which was an awesome chick-flick by the way and I looooove Anne Hathaway. I hung out with my Gay Boyfriend and I hung out with H. I’ve been reading The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A practical Guide to the Fulfillment of your Dreams by Deepak Chopra. J and I are also working on our budgets, and working on spiritual mind treatments for each other. It’s amazing how much time you have when you aren’t eating!

I’m super excited about my renewed attitude and burst of energy!

Hope you all have a fantastic hump day! Talk to you soon!

xoxo,
 

Updates….

Day two of the Master Cleanse.

Yes… I’m doing the Cleanse again.

I need it.

My last post was a rant about gaining weight and being out of control. Of course I recited my handy dandy 4 step plan back to health… but it doesn’t work if I don’t follow it.... so this is my way of taking some control back.

It’s like a little kid that draws all over their bedroom wall even though they get in trouble every time they get caught… finally Mom and Dad take the crayons away as punishment… hoping that the child will learn the lesson and stop drawing on the wall.

Apparently I like to draw a lot.

Anyways…. Master Cleanse isn’t really for weight loss (although that is an awesome perk), it resets my body so that I can learn to listen to it again.

J and I are doing it together… so it’s nice to have someone who feels your (hunger)pain. Nothing like another bonding experiance... <3

I weighted myself on Monday before we started the ease-in process… I weighed in at 212 pounds.

212 POUNDS!
I’m not going to bash myself about it, I’m just going to fix it.

So what happens after the cleanse?

THE GYM.

And

EATING LIKE A SENSABLE HEALTHY HUMAN BEING.

While we are cleansing… I also made a promise to workout 7 of the 10 days, not hardcore working out, just a 30 minute walk… but something to get my body used to moving again.

One thing about the Cleanse… is that you have a lot of free time (and space in your brain) because you aren’t consuming your self/thoughts with food. So in that time J and I both decided that we wanted to work on some things… some things individually and some things as a couple.

Things like, financial planning, affirmative prayer, being creative, career goals and exercise.

Speaking of financial planning, with the weight gain has come some stagnant financial progress…. So over the last few days, I spent some time moving money around and working on a plan to be wealthy and wise. Updates are posted to the right.

The biggest thing I did was transfer $7,100 of my loan debt to credit card #3….I debated for a while, but the 0% interest until March 2012 just sounded too good. Of course there was a 4% transfer fee, but that is still 5.7% less than the interest rate on my loan. (Which is about $400 saved).

I also wrote down a long term Financial Plan:

1. Save $2000 (emergency fund) by 12/30/2010. *just about there!*

2. Be (credit card)debt free by 6/15/2012.

3. Bring 401K up to 6-8%.

4. Save $10,000 by 4/1/2013 (wedding fund... Yes... I said wedding fund).
5. Save $10,000 to add to emergency fund by 4/1/2014.

6. Save $20,000-$40,000 for house down payment by 1/1/2015

7. Start baby fund after house is purchased.

The long term financial planning is a lot of fun. Especially since I have a big secret that I can’t share yet... big secret in terms of $$!

Well, that’s that… cleansing, loosing weight and building wealth. I’m wishing you guys a wonderful weekend. I’ll be back very soon!


xoxo,
 

Lazy and fat…

I shouldn’t say things like that about myself. I'm beautiful and perfect the way I am.

But seriously.

It’s true.

I am back up to 200lbs.

What the fuck.

I want to make up excuses and reasons as to why, when and how. But the reality is… I’ve been lazy, and it made me fat. Again.

Sn: I ate 2 chocolate chip cookies and 2 packs of milano cookies before noon.

So here is the very simple 4 step process that I need to adhere to…. Starting now.

Step one:
Stop putting random, unhealthy, unnecessary CRAP in your mouth.

Step two:
Write down what you eat. You need to be held accountable. You can’t be trusted.

Step three:
Remember that place you used to go to all the time? Some people call it the gym? Go to it. Immediately.

Step four:
Blog about it. Weigh in weekly- track your loss. If you don’t write it down for the whole world to see, you’ll ignore it and the cycle will begin again.


Simple enough. Right?




xoxo,
 

"Your passion is what stirs your soul...."

"Find your passion. Your passion is what stirs your soul and makes you feel like you're totally in harmony with why you showed up here in the first place." Dr. Wayne Dyer

I had to smile when I read this on FB today, because my girlfriend and I have been talking a lot about this over the last few days. It’s almost like it’s been on my brain so much that it is popping up everywhere… funny how the universe works.

Sooo…what is MY passion? What’s stirs my soul?

That’s the dilemma of my world right now.

I thought cooking/food was my passion. I’m not sure that it is. I like to cook and I LOVE food. But it didn’t feel like a passion today.

I’m in Texas at our corporate test kitchen again for work… we are working on the upcoming menus and part of our process is to recreate all the recipes to test for accuracy and tasting. Well, I’m the only ‘non-chef’ and the only female in the kitchen during this process.

Don’t get me wrong…I love wearing a Chef’s jacket, clunky clog chef’s shoes and working in a commercial kitchen… but feeling like you are a tall as an ant because the Chef’s don’t respect you… not so fun. Being the only woman (out of 14 arrogant Chef’s)… also not so fun.

They always give me the simple dishes to execute… for obvious reasons, my technique and skill aren’t at their level. That said, I fucked up both vinaigrettes I was responsible for making. Well, fucked up is an exaggeration, the recipes were fucked up, but they were still looking at me like I fucked it up.

It’s silly and I know I can cook and I know most people enjoy my food, but I hate that feeling- that feeling that I’m not even good at what I THINK my passion is.

I really do love food… but it is such a blow to my ego knowing that my girlfriend and my friends think I’m this great cook… but really, in a real kitchen outside of my house, I suck.

I had to go hide in the back office for a little while because I felt the tears prickle the back of my eyes. I just felt so frustrated and sad. I remembered looking in the mirror in the bathroom this morning and liking the way the Chef’s jacket looked on me and thinking… hmm, maybe? Is it just the status that I like that comes along with the jacket? If this was my passion, wouldn’t I know it? And if this isn’t it, what do I do now?

And on another note, why is the culinary world dominated by men?

I thought cooking was a woman’s thing? It’s a horrible piggish thing to think that ‘woman belong in the kitchen’… but why isn’t that true in the commercial kitchen?? Because men don’t want women to have any power or prestige?? Maybe this is part of the reason I’m hating the culinary world right now? They are dumb. Some of the male Chef’s anyways. They act like ten year old boys running around the kitchen with chefs knives posing as reputable adults. AND they treat me as a damsel in distress. I CAN DO IT MYSELF! I know what it means to julienne, I don’t need you to show me. No, the knife is too heavy for my sad weak delicate girly hands. Just because I didn’t go to CIA and I have a vjayjay between my legs doesn’t mean I can’t fucking cut onions or chop parsley properly. Ugh. I’m just as competent as they are, but sometimes I don’t feel like I care enough to fight.

So I just had a shitty day at work. Doesn’t mean I can’t still do it. Cook that is.

I don’t wanna just go through the motions in life…. I want to do something that I’m passionate about.

So what’s my passion?

Home sweet home…

I was at home with my family for 10 days. It felt like a 3 day weekend. But I guess that’s why they say time flies when you’re having fun.

Something about being at home recharges my battery… fills my soul. Cheesy but true.
I’ve been coming and going visiting home once… sometimes twice a year for the last 11years. You would think that after this many years the leaving would be a breeze, nope… it’s still hard. Every time.

I know I’ve written about this before, but I’m sitting in the airplane headed back to the states (back to J :-)) and thinking about how much I miss them already. I love my life in my city… just wish they were closer.

Anyways… enough of the sad stuff.

I had an awesome time at home. The highlight was definitely laying on the couch cuddling with my Mom and sister watching TV. Of course we left the house too…. Went to Oma and Opa’s house and ate delicious food. We traveled to Berlin (my first time) for 3 days and roamed around the city looking at bits of history and shopping of course.

I hung out with my Dad and his new girlfriend… that was an adventure. A topic for another post.

I just love the city that I’m from…. It’s so pretty and so full of character. The only thing that would have made it better was if J had been there. We actually had fun the 10 days we spent apart. We Skyped almost every day… and sort of found a new appreciation for each other. J actually started us on a really cute adventure. She started writing a store and sent me what she wrote for me to continue it, then I sent it back and she continued and so on. The story has evolved dramatically… it’s up to 19 pages now… and the plot and getting thicker and thicker. Her sneaky way to get me writing again I guess…lol…. It worked, because we are having so much fun writing it. I love her so much… her creativity and love for words inspires me to rekindle my own love for writing. Needless to say, I can’t wait to see how the story unfolds… it might be too racy to post here…. With Mom reading and all… lol…. We might just have to edit it and send it to a publisher. :-)

Two hours till we land… and back to reality… a pretty awesome reality. :-)

Off to the motherland…

Vaction officially starts at 5pm today!

Wooooo Hooooo!!

You have no idea how excited I am!

I fly out tomorrow and arrive early Saturday morning. I’m so excited to see my family and to have a BREAK from work.

J and I haven’t spent more than 3 days apart, so I know I am going to miss her like crazy. Of course we’ll skype and talk on the phone and it’s only 10 days, but you know new love… at least our new love…. <3

I’m not sure if I will really be blogging that much while I’m at home… I’ll mostly be reading books, lounging around with the fam and doing NOTHING… man I love these kind of vacations, too bad there isn’t a beach near by.

SN: I weighed myself yesterday morning. 194lbs. Ugh. What does being happy in love= being fat? J has gained a good 15-20 pounds too. Operation get your body right will commence as soon as I return to the US. For real this time. I’m not gonna dwell on the disappointment, I’m going to remember how easily I ‘got rid’ of the weight last time and channel that energy to get this weight loss going. More to come…

Talk to you guys soon!

Jesus vs. Buddha

This topic is a little different than the typical things that I discuss… hopefully I don’t offend anybody, but I thought it was an interesting discussion, and well, it’s my blog so I’m sharing. :-)

My girlfriend brought up this question last night…. Is Buddha just as ‘real’ as Jesus?

First, I should state that neither one of us are Christian… she claims Buddhism and I am a spiritual being that doesn’t subscribe to one religion or another. So this question comes from a idea that Jesus (and Buddha for that matter) was a profit/spiritual leader like many other great figures in history whose stories were recorded/altered/created by man as a way to gain power over people and at times clarity and hope for sake of survival in this life. Of course this idea is subjective but still very relative when you think about this question.

*SN: J and I have this joke that the answer, cause and reason behind almost everything that isdeemed ‘wrong’ in this country are either power or capitalism. Seriously… really think about it. I bring this up because in my opinion, religion, amongst some other things, (but really all just boils back down to religion) is the basis on which this country was founded and religion has regularly been used as a way to control the masses, hence the fight for power. And Capitalism, well, like they say, money is power. More to come on that later.*

One thing that I have to remember in thinking about this question is my own perception. I wasn’t raised in a religious home. I don’t think we ever went to church as a family, ever. Well, except the day my sister and I were baptized, and even that was more of a tradition than a religious practice. I guess it’s a little bit different because culturally Germany is not a very religious country and my father, although America (who statistically are more religious), rebelled against religion after being raised Jehovah Witness and separating from his family at 17.

Hence the ‘hippie’ undertone in my perception.

I wasn’t threatened by the wrath of a Jealous God or eternal damnation. Nor did I understand enlightenment.

Although, I was threatened with Santa Claus as a kid, lol- not sure what that means though.

Seriously, I don’t really know a whole lot about either religion, even now. I didn’t even discover some of these things until I ventured into a Pentecostal church with my best friend at about the age of 10, and after that (as you can imagine) I was afraid of God, Jesus, hell and the end of the world and I just didn’t get it. Christianity was not always a source of anxiety for me, later in middle and high school most of my friends were Christian and they managed to clear some of those things up and teach me more about faith than fear. So I understand that my perception of God and religion is different than most and I have been able to form my own opinions about God without my parents beliefs hindering my perception.

Wait. Hold that thought.

Then again, my parent’s beliefs, or more accurately, lack there of, did affect my perception… I’m just as non-subscribing as they are.

Hhmmm…

Back to the question…

My answer to her was that they are both as real (or not) as you perceive them to be. Everything is about perception… if you are raised Christian, you would perceive Jesus to be ‘real’ and if you were raised Buddhist you would perceive Buddha to be ‘real’. J was raised Christian, but later found Buddhism, thus the realization and question. G is similar, both of her parents are Christian and her beliefs are now more aligned with metaphysical teachings.

First of all, the question its self shows arrogance, because it’s almost like saying, “wait, if Christianity and Jesus is bullshit does that mean the Buddhism and Buddha is too??”

I know it is silly and more of a rhetorical question than anything else… but it does present a good point.

Why would the story and teachings of Buddha be any more real than that of Christianity?

Just because we aren’t Christian and don’t subscribe to those teachings? Even the Pastor(s) at the Metaphysical Church that I sometimes attend cracks jokes about Jesus. They quotes him (Jesus), Buddha and other religious teacher’s quite regularly, but I’ve only heard cracks about Christian beliefs. For example, most recently during a Science of Mind 101 class (which is held in a Methodist church) the Pastor was talking about something and used a curse word. Ass was the word I think, but he whispered it. Multiple times. Then goes on to say that he had to whisper the curse word because there is a big Cross behind him and he doesn’t want to upset Jesus and be struck by lighting and be sent to hell. It was a joke and I most definitely laughed because I think it’s silly too, but objectively speaking, what makes Metaphysical beliefs superior to anything other? The big joke is that whole point of Metaphysics (or my understanding of it anyways) is that you don’t have to join a church, practice religion or read a bible to be a spiritual human being with an awareness of a higher consciousness.

Buddha’s life and teachings were recorded and shared by man just as Jesus’ were. For me, it’s the fear and exclusivity that Christianity seems to rule by that turns me away, but that is my experience. Again I don’t know a lot about Buddhism but I find comfort in the approach to reaching a higher consciousness or the escape from “the cycle of suffering and rebirth”. However just as Christians fear eternal damnation in hell, Buddhist (along with other eastern religions) fear bad Karma or eternal repayment of karmic debt.

Ahh, there is a reason, explanation and viewpoint for every aspect, huh?

Personally, I believe in God. A higher being. A divine spirit. The Universal energy that ties all people, animals and things together and the scientific laws of it all, but that is just my belief. As human beings we all yearn for understanding and a sense of belonging. Some achieve this through religion, others through other venues, but in the end we all want to have something to believe in, an explanation, and a hopefulness that walks along side us in our life’s journey.

Religion is such an interesting topic… touchy and personal, but Interesting nonetheless.

What are your thoughts?

It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny daaaaay….

I haven’t written is so long (again). I so miss blogging. I have just been wrapped up in one thing or another over the last month and haven’t taken the time to just write.

Now I am. So here goes…

I’m excited about a few things right now. I finally moved into my very own, very awesome apartment this past weekend. I really really like… it’s just enough space, it’s contemporary… and it’s MINE! I’m pretty sure I mentioned this before but this is the first time that I have ever lived alone. It’s only been 3 days, but let me tell you it’s effin awesome! I definitely miss having G around, but getting dressed in the living room while watching Good Morning America makes it kinda worth it… lol, it’s the simple things.

On another note, I will be going to Germany to visit my family in about a week in a half.

I CAN'T WAIT!

I’m soooo very excited. Vacation. No work. Family time. Did I mention no work?? It sucks that J isn’t coming… I’m going to miss her so much.

Speaking of J, things are great with her. I’m so in love…sigh… and it feels so good to be loved back. We’ve shared a lot of great experiences in these short 4 months… we are still learning a lot about each other, but what I find is that when you have a real connection with someone everything just falls into place.

Life is good and I am so very happy, but my life feels just a little disheveled, with the move and the constant ‘going’ but I am grateful for each new opportunity that comes my way. However, there are a few things that I want to focus more on over the next few months....

1. Work on my book.
2. Exercise more.
3. Read more.
4. Write more.
5. Create more.

The honeymoon stage of a new relationship is amazing :-) … but it also changes priorities a little. I am grateful that my beautiful girlfriend is a creative soul and understands how important it is to not lose yourself in your relationship. Maybe we can create a new date night… like a themed date night. “Work on your book Wednesday” or “Create a new dish Monday”… The idea is to still spend time together, but to spend that time creating and being productive… instead of only making googly eyes and getting fat… lol. *Aah new love*


I also recently started taking a class with G (J is taking it too, just in the morning): Science of Mind 101. It’s really enlightening and refreshing to have this positive energy in my life. It’s a discussion on how the mind is a powerful force… and how what we think/speak is what we attract and experience in our lives… and how we can be more positive and attract more fulfilling experiences. It really is good stuff... I'll have to go more into it as the class goes on.

Well, I have to go… I need to apply to be on MasterChef. How cool would that be in I got on the show?? :-)

I’ll keep you guys posted.

Talk to you soon! :-)

What are you afraid of?

I’m not really an anxious person…spontaneity and chance suits me, but I’m a little bit overwhelmed by some of the changes coming over the next couple of months.

First… G is going to be leaving for the Peace Corps… and I’m gonna miss her. I’m gonna miss her a lot. We don’t hang out and talk as much as we used to before I started dating J… but I’m really, really gonna miss her. In an odd way she is like a security blanket for me… yes we get on each others nerves from time to time, but she is like my sister and there is a comfort in knowing that she is always there. She knows me…I don’t always have to say what I’m thinking or feeling for her to get it and there aren’t many other people in my life that can do that. I’m so proud of her and I know that this experience is going to open a whole new world for her, but that doesn’t make me any less sad.

I think we sometimes take friendship for granted. Sometimes we are selfish. I don’t know if this is something that comes with age, or time, but we sometimes get so consumed with our own lives and romantic relationships that we forget to really nurture some of our most important relationships.

She doesn’t know when she is leaving or even where she is going yet, but knowing that time is looming over us makes it a little more real. It makes me realized that new chapter is on the horizon for us both.


Second thing… I have to move. Again.

Ugh.

The thought of moving again makes me violently ill… the packing, the cleaning, the sorting, the hauling, and the shit everywhere for weeks… such a pain in the ass.

It’s not just the moving part that is making me anxious; it’s the living alone and the paying all the bills alone that is overwhelming.

I have never lived alone. Ever.

On one hand I’m really excited. The thought of having my own space to do whatever I please is pretty thrilling. At the same time, I think it will probably get old and I’ll get a little lonely. In reality I won’t be ‘alone’ all that often… I’ll be bouncing between my house and J’s house… and she’ll do the same… but still, I’m 28 years old and I am finally gonna live alone.

The really big scary thing is paying all the bills alone. My rent is going to go up $250 a month and I won’t have anyone to split the utilities with. Of course I did my budget and everything fits… but there isn’t much money left over at the end of the month… and I’ll only be paying the minimum on my loan. I will still have my $200 per month direct deposited into my savings account, but it would probably be smarter to put at least half of that towards paying off the loan. I always have my yearly bonuses to look forward to as well… so I’m hoping I can have the loan paid off in about 2 years.

Part of me just wants to skip the whole living alone thing and move in with J. Splitting her rent and her utilities would allow me to save even more than I am saving in my current apartment… and it would help her out a lot too, especially because she doesn’t have any income coming in at the moment. I’m just afraid that it would be a detriment to our relationship. I know that I’m gonna spend my life with her, but moving in together is a big deal and I want it to be for the right reason… not just to save money. It is pretty tempting though.

So that idea is out.

The other option is to move back out of the city and save maybe $100-$150 on rent.

Hell no.

That idea is out too.

So maybe it’s not the most finically responsible thing to max out my budget to live in a great little apartment in the city, but my sanity and my happiness play a role in this decision too.

As overwhelming as it is, I am happy with my decision and I think it is the right choice.
The anticipation of change has got me on the edge of my seat…. But I know I everything will work out fine. It always does.

What are you afraid of?

Back on the wagon…

Financial diet update:
A lot has happened over the last week for me financially. First- I took out the loan for $20, 000 to pay off my credit cards… the percentage rate is still a little high (9.25%) but quite a bit lower than the interest on the credit cards.

This is kinda disturbing, but after taking out the loan, I still had about $2,900 outstanding balances on credit cards (the max amount for a personal loan was $20,000) - so I held my breath, closed my eyes and withdrew the $2,900 from my savings account to pay it off. The good news is, I now only (only??) have $20,000 in debt- and just the one loan (besides my student loans) to pay off. The bad news… my savings has shrunk considerably… but at least for a good reason, so I guess technically there is no bad news.

I have also (finally) removed the little plastic devils from my wallet- for real this time- and I have placed them in a safe place at home where I can’t make frivolous spur of the moment purchases.

I can’t remember the last time I have had zero balances on my credit cards…. Wait, maybe that is because I never have had zero balances on my credit cards.

Regardless, it feels good to know that I am making progress in the right direction. Now, I just have to stick with it. I want to be debt free- at least free of credit card debt by the time I am 30. I want to get married and buy a home and be able to afford to have kids and have a good life…. I don’t want to constantly be worried about what I owe to whom.

I’ve updated my finances in the column to the right. The Donate button is still up and running, so if you are able to, please donate whatever you can. .50 cents, $1.00, $5…. Whatever you can it would be greatly appreciated!

Weight-loss diet update:

Nada.

I’m getting fat again.

Holding steady at 183 and I haven’t been working out.

I’m trying desperately to get back on the wagon. But I have gotten sooooo lazy. My plan is to go to the gym every night this week and not to have any soda or junk food. Can you belive that? I started drinking soda again. *shaking my head at wasted empty calories*

I have to do something quick- J and I are heading to Vegas this weekend for her Cousins wedding and I need to be able to fit into my dress… it’s a little snug right now. :-/

I’ll let you know how it goes…

Wish me luck!

So in love…

She never stops taking my breath away.

J and I spent the weekend attached at the hip again. :-) But get this…. I went home last night…. ALONE. Wow. What a concept?! Lol

Picking up from my last post:

Friday after work I went and hung out with G and her family like I had planned. I met some of her extended family, ate pizza and talked. It was really nice just hanging out with her… even though it was brief.

That night, J went to the club and I stayed home… I just wasn’t in the mood. I was moody and pmsing and just tired of going…. So I stayed home. It wasn’t so bad. I got a good night sleep and got up and went to work on Saturday without feeling like a zombie.

Saturday night was date night… I hadn’t seen J in 2 days, so I wanted to get really cute. I straightened my hair, spent time on my makeup, and even wrangled myself into a corset so that I could wear this really cute one shoulder little black dress.

I was late meeting her, but when she saw me she stopped in her tracks and dropped her jaw.

SN: I love the way she looks at me… I love that she thinks I’m beautiful and I love that she tells me all the time. :-)

Needless to say, Date night was great. We talked, laughed, danced and cuddled the night away.

We spent all day Sunday and Monday together too. We rented movies and finished listening to Breaking Dawn, and we went to go see The Kids are Alright (which by the way is an AWESOME movie… go see it asap!)


After being inseparable for 3 days I went home like a mature adult on Monday night and slept in my bed alone… and got up on time for work without being exhausted because of trying to hangout all night with my girlfriend. Go Me!


After I was settled in my bed (alone!) and we had said our goodnights on the phone this is the text message that I got from her:

“I had a great time with you this weekend. I fall more and more in love with u everday… u bring such joy to my life… love u baby…gnite.”

*Sigh*

So in Love. :-)

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed…

I hate it when I’m in a mood… seems like for no apparent reason, but if I listen long enough I usually figure it out.

So… J and I have been inseparable for the last month or so and yesterday was the first night we sleep apart in a long time. The funny thing is that I have wanted some “me-time” and a break from the constant going and doing, but the moment I’m without her I miss her so I guess I have neglected my “me-time” just a little. With that said, yesterday, J took some “me-time”… I’m happy that she took some time to be in her own space and do her own thing but I’m kind of annoyed with myself because why does it feel like I wait for her to take “me-time” in order for me to get my own “me-time”?

We are definitely still in the honeymoon stage and very much in love… but I guess we are on the verge of suffocating each other. I don’t want to loose myself in this relationship… just like I know she doesn’t. How do I find a happy medium? And why do I “feel some sort of way” because she took some time away from me? I guess it kinda did hurt my feelings a little bit. It’s just so stupid and silly because even though I need time to be alone or with my friends too I don’t want her to wanna be away from me. I guess that’s just my ego at work.

It definitely doesn’t help that Aunt Flo is on her way, so I was extra emotional and teary eyed after getting off the phone with her last night. I guess I felt like there was a disconnect between us… conversation just felt weird… we talked about it, but I think we both weren’t sure why.

We still have a lot to learn about each other… it’s only been 3 months… sometimes I forget that it’s been only this short amount of time. We seem so connected all the time, but we have to find a balance. We were even off sexually a few days ago. She threw a party, trying to make extra income, and when we got home we were just off… I was drunk and she was annoyed and exhausted after planning and playing hostess and it was just bad.

I guess that happens sometimes.

I’m gonna hang out with my long lost bff G tonight (long lost because I’ve been lost in Love Land) and J and I have a date on Saturday night, so hopefully the friend time and the date night will put me/us back in my/our happy space.

There are so many other things going on right now. I really need to blog more. Our lease is up on September 21st, so that means I have to move… again. I’m dreading it. I just don’t wanna do it. The packing up of all the shit and the hauling of all the shit… oh and finding a place to live that I can afford.

I just want to be done with it already.

Wish me luck.

Until next time….

How did I get here????

Lol…. Seemed like a good title….

Updates:

I have earned a whopping $6 so far through my donate button. Thank you for getting the ball rolling!

I didn’t have much luck with selling my fat girl clothes- I had 3 huge trash bags full of clothes to sell to a second hand shop… and out of all the stuff I had they only bought 5 items, and get this… they only gave me 6 bucks for it!! I’m going to try one other second hand shop and whatever is left after that I will donate to a local woman’s shelter. (Epic Fail… at least the women at the shelter will be happy.)

My next project was to consolidate all of my debt with a lower interest rate.

SUCCESS!

Finally, I was able to get the ball rolling on something! I actually wound up taking out a $20,000 loan from my credit union at a 9.25% intrest rate to pay off all my random credit card debt. I went back and forth on weather or not that was the smartest thing to do, but in the long run having a lower interest rate and making one monthly payment going to make this process much easier and faster! So by Monday morning I will be free of credit card debt! Woooohoooooo! (Ok, I replaced it with a loan, but still- it’s nice to not have maxed out plastic in my wallet.)

One step at a time.

Next…. Remember all that weight I lost? I’m slowly gaining in back, I’m up to 182lbs, my lowest weight was 168. Time to get back on the wagon- I never reached my goal of 165lbs…. so I’m gonna try this again. It should only take me about 8 weeks or so- I’m a pro at this now ;-) (Literally laughing out loud- Oh really? Then why do you keep gaining it back??)

But that will have to wait until next week…

I am going a road trip with J… we are leaving tonight and coming back on Sunday.

It’s a TWELVE HOUR drive.

Ugh.

Not looking forward to the driving part. I’m excited about the trip though, I’m going to meet the family and we’re attending her cousin’s reverse reception (reception is before the wedding…. Plus, I love spending time with her, so being cooped up together in the car won’t be bad, especially since we got the final book of Twilight “Breaking Dawn” on CD to listen to in the car (yes, we are big ol’ dorks!)

So Bo voyage, until next week….. hope you all have a lovely weekend!

“I am in a financial cul-de-sac” –Carrie Bradshaw

Sooooo, after 1 year and 5 months, 104 posts, numerous comments, a blog award, lots of complaining, giggling, bragging, sadness and budgeting, I have finally decided to add a DONATE button to my blog.

Yep, I’m finally that desperate.

It can’t hurt right?

I need money, moolah, dinero, cash, cheddar, bread… whatever you wanna call it. If you can donate .50 cents or $100 dollars, I need it. My budget is getting tighter and tighter, but my debt doesn’t seem to be going down AT ALL.

I’m trying to be creative and find another way to produce some additional funds- I have got to get these credit cards paid off. I am truly just like Karyn in “SAVE KARYN” (which is an awesome book by the way- check out the link)…. $20,000+ in debt at 28 years old- I can’t really enjoy my life because I’m stressed about my money.

I refuse to live this way forever.

So why should you donate your hard earned money to me?

Well, you read my funny, witty, charming blog for entertainment (I hope) and let’s face it… I NEED HELP!

I get it, we could all use a little assistance, but if you are willing and able- I (and American Express and VISA) would greatly appreciate it.

In the meantime…. I am going to sell my fat girl clothes, apply for part-time work as a server (instant cash), start working on my book, and start playing the lottery (can you hear the sarcasm? I’m keeping my fingers crossed anyways)….

Thanks in advance for your help!

Randomness...

I know I haven’t written in a while…. I’m sorry. I guess I’ve kinda had writers block a little. I actually do have some things to talk about, but this is gonna just be a random post…. Randomly about Sex and the City. :-)

Sooooo…I’m at work putting my menu books together and watching old Sex and the City episodes online. (Yes, I am watching TV at work… so what?!) I’m watching the episode where Carrie meets Petrovsky for the first time at the art gallery.

They meet briefly and Carrie is kinda turned off by him… she makes a little joke about the art installation and he says:

“You are comedian, No?”

They don’t talk anymore at the gallery, but Petrovsky somehow tracks down her phone number and calls her. She hangs up on him twice thinking he’s got the wrong number and finally she’s like, “I can’t understand you, sir” –lol… and he says:

“This is Alexander Petrovsky for Carrie Bradshaw.”

Her reaction is soooooo funny because I have soooo done this before.

She goes- “Oh, hold on, let me get her for you”

Obviously no one else is there… she just feels like a douche and she has this look on her face, a look of pure embarrassment- you know the scrunched up face and slap to the forehead? After her little pause, she picks up the phone and pretends that her ‘sister’ answered the phone initially. I LOVE it… so very funny

This episode is also the episode where Charlotte finds out that she and Harry are pregnant. There is a scene where the girls are all sitting in the coffee shop and Charlotte tells them the good news and it made me soooooo think about my friends and the girls nights we used to have. Me, M, G and B. We would sit around and talk and giggle…. And I remember when we found out that B was preggers- it was totally the same scene.

I love those precious memories. No matter how far we come or how far apart we grow, we still have those memories and sometimes SATC triggers them and it puts a smile on my face for the rest of the day. :-)

If...

This is J’s favorite poem… she read it to me a few weeks ago durning one of our late night chatting sessions. I had to look it up because I really enjoyed it… so I thought I would share! :-)

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings—nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And—which is more—you'll be a Man my son!

—Rudyard Kipling

Love letter...

On March 22, 2010 you sent me an email on a popular dating website saying that you were interested in my profile and wanted to get to know me better…

…You challenged me to a round of Taboo and literally made me laugh out loud.

Then I looked at your profile and saw that you were not only Buddhist, but a poet with a master’s degree who was looking for a real connection.

We exchanged emails and begin to get to know each other. With each exchange my heart fluttered a little more.

Then on March 29, 2010 you asked me out on our first date…

We went to a cool little restaurant in your neighborhood.

I was so nervous before we met, mostly because I enjoyed the person in the emails sooooo much that I prayed that the woman I was about to meet was just as beautiful and intriguing as the person I had created.

Then I saw you…

You had on plaid sneakers, jeans and a vest…. With your yellow flower earrings on. Your hair was pulled back and your smile radiated across the room when I walked in.

Oh My God, Oh My God is what was going on in my head.

We sat and talked for only an hour, because I had Belly Dance to get to and you had a Poetry Slam.

Right after we left you sent me a text message…

“You are just as beautiful in person and your personality is great. I’ll be in touch”

You made me gush.

I was excited.

Butterflies.

That was on a Monday.

On Wednesday I met you at the park right after work… we sat and talked at Willies and I internally tried to figure out what was happening between us.

Later that night I went out with G to the Wednesday night spot… and after running errands for your ‘boo’ you changed clothes and met me at the club.

My jaw dropped when you walked in. You had on those black peep-toe heels and your besties’ yellow cropped jacket.

I think I squeezed G’s hand when I saw you.

We got drinks and we danced and held hands and rubbed and stroked each other through our daze of intoxication.

You kissed me on the cheek that night when you left.

Two days later on Friday night we both went to the Club.

You wore a dress.

And the plaid heels.

*sigh* Baby you are KILLING me.

It was an interesting night because I wanted to be with you all night, but another girl that I had met on the same dating website (and slept with) was there. You knew about her because I had already disclosed that… but it didn’t make it any less awkward.

All that didn’t matter though.

You bought me a drink, held my hand, stared into my eyes and you kissed me.

Our first kiss was in a club. Not ideal, but you still made my knees buckle.

We left the club and I walked with you to your car so that you could give me a ride to mine.

We talked about our intense connection and what that meant and how we were both so confused and thrown, but so excited at the same time.

Then you kissed me.

We made out in your car for a good 5 minutes and at that point I was ready to marry you.

It felt so different with you. You made my heart skip a beat. You were everything that I had repeatedly said that I wanted. Seriously, ask G.

I said I wanted a beautiful, femme girl- not shy with a great personality that could still hold her own.

And here you are. Exactly that and so much more.

Two days later you invited me to the Easter potluck at your friend’s house. You didn’t want to bring your ‘boo’ you guys weren’t speaking anymore… you wanted to bring me. You said to me, “I have felt more for you in this week than I have felt for her in 8 months.”

I hated that you were seeing her, talking to her, even breathing the same air as her. But we had only been dating for a week and I had convinced myself that if we were meant to be we would.

Easter dinner was the day I realized that I was gonna fall for you. You were such a “Gentle(wo)man”…. so sweet, so attentive, so protective…. You were everything and still this beautiful chocolate feminine woman.

We saw each other almost every other day from that point on.

Then on April 10th…. We went to Martini date, and we wound up back at my apartment.

I’m not going to go into details… but you remember that night. That First night. 

After that I subconsciously dropped everything. I knew I wanted to be with you.

I was even set up with a cute girl, a cute girl who is a Cop, who even seemed to be nice. But I wasn’t interested because I knew I had already found my ‘One’.

Over the next 5 weeks you courted me… like old school discovery process, let’s get to know each other courting. You took me out, I took you out, we spent the night together and we talked for hours upon hours.

There wasn’t a day we didn’t speak.

You were all that I talked about in my therapy sessions. I talked about being scared because I had never felt like this before and how so many people said it was too soon to feel this way, but all I could think about is how happy you made me and how all I wanted to do is be with you.

Skip to Miami.

All girl lesbian weekend on the beach. Girls everywhere. Black ones, Brown ones, whites ones, skinny ones, fat ones….. any girl you could imagine and they were all there for the same purpose… to get drunk, party and get in trouble. And you decided that you wanted to be with me.

It was Saturday, May 15th… we were at the beach- cuddled up in a blanket in the sand overlooking some very happy couple’s sunset beach wedding and you asked me to be your girlfriend.
Me.

<3

I was fine before you got here. Happy even. I was working on myself and truly enjoying the process of self-discovery. I never thought that I would find someone like you this soon. I mean I’ve always known that you were out there, but you have been here the whole time and the stars finally aligned and the universe brought us together. There are no accidents… we crossed paths when we were both ready and I really look forward to seeing what the future holds.

You make me so happy baby…. I have this feeling that we are going to be together for a long time.

Love,
Me

I made my vision board a while ago and I include some gratitude letters on my board… I thought it would be a good idea to post them here as well… what better way to release my intentions into the universe??

Today I make this promise to myself:

I choose to live my life as a joyful experience. I choose to keep my mind focused on love as the greatest power in my life. I choose to create greater possibilities in my life than I ever imagined before.

I listen to the wisdom of the voice within me, knowing it is Divine Intelligence at work in my life. I keep my mind and my heart open; Ready to accept joy and success however they appear.

I celebrate these ideas as the truth in my life, now and always.

And so it is!

I am grateful for….
The abundantly loving and fulfilling relationship that I have with my spiritual partner. She is beautiful, kind, caring, supportive, dependable, responsible, faithful, strong, motivated, creative, spiritually enlightened, sexy, amazing, family oriented individual that loves me unconditionally. Our relationship is strong, we have a foundation of trust and genuine love for one another. We balance each other out and our spark is forever ignited. She is affectionate and she finds me to be incredibly sexy as I do her. We are so in Love and we have the most amazing sex. The chemistry between us keeps us forever attracted to one another. We have a beautiful life together. We are financially stable and we take care of one another. When I look in her eyes I am overwhelmed in our love. I can depend on her just as she can depend on me. Our souls grow together and we are forever connected. Our children are healthy and happy and they are raised in love, compassion and tolerance. We are wonderful parents and the support of our families; friends and our children’s father allow them to grow to be beautiful, responsible, truly good people. I am so very grateful for my abundantly satisfying life.

And so it is…

I am grateful for…
My amazingly satisfying career. I love my job and I am financially stable at my $80,000/yr salary. I have no debt and my savings is abundant. I am able to help people through my work and it is also very creative. I am my own boss, and I do not manage any employees. My business is very lucrative and I receive bonuses above and beyond my salary regularly. It is a competitive market and I am at the top of my field. I work hard, but I have a great work life balance. I am able to take vacations regularly and it does not interrupt my business. I feel good at the end of my work day and my work stays at the office. Money is not an issue in my life and I am stress-free. I am so very grateful for my successful, fulfilling and satisfying career.

And so it is…

Master Cleanse COMPLETE!

I am super excited!! We did it! 10 whole days of a lemonade concoction and worlds of discipline and strength! The boost in energy was the best part… I really felt good through the whole process.


I’m not sure what my total weight loss is yet, I’m going to wait until Monday morning to weigh myself because Aunt Flo is here to visit and I’m all bloated and heavy... and I'm so not trying to see a the same number from the day before! The last time I checked I was down 10 lbs... so I did really well!


I can’t wait to eat solid food again though, seriously! I have a whole week of delicious eats planned. Yum! Don't worry, I won't put the weight back on because I am going to be hitting the gym super hard! I have to reach my goal weight of 165!

Thanks for all the support!

Master Cleanse Day 6…

I can’t believe that I’m already on day 6! I really didn’t think I would make it this long. I mean… no food, like ZERO food, for 10 days sounds insane… but I’m already more than half way done! Day 2 was the hardest day, I was tired and moody and hungry and just over it. By day 3 things were looking up big time. I had a burst of energy and this journey didn’t sound so insane anymore.

I have this ridiculous burst of energy, I feel so light and clear and open. It’s an amazing feeling. It really makes me rethink how I eat, because if it’s the food that drains my energy and makes me feel foggy, why would I want to continue to do that to myself?

It’s amazing how EVERYTHING revolves around food. When you aren’t eating it leaves space in your life for so many other things. Of course it’s difficult sometimes because other people are eating around me, but this is the choice that I made and I am going to see it through. It makes me incredibly proud of myself and just reaffirms how strong I really am.

I feel healthy and happy and very extremely grateful for being at this place in my life. I have asked for so many things and once I finally uncovered these layers of myself I seem to have found what I was looking for. Nothing in life is perfect, but my outlook and my intentions have shifted and I have managed to attract exactly what I needed in this moment.

oh... and I'm at 169.4 lbs :)

Master Cleanse Day 1&2….

Soooo… G and I are doing the Master Cleanse… the goal is to complete 10 days.

We’re on day 2.

Yesterday went well… I’m definitely more hungry today than I was yesterday, but I also had a distraction yesterday (*wink* more to come on that).

First of all I’m ecstatic with my weight right now …. I haven’t posted anything about it but when I weighed myself this morning I was at 174 lbs…. if you remember from the last time I posted about my weight I was 196.8 … so I have lost 22.8 lbs!! The 22 lbs came off the healthy way… working out and eating right…. But these next 10lbs, I just need to get them off so that I can look good when I go to Miami! :)

I know the weight that I loose from the Master Cleanse probably won’t stay off…. But I’m gonna get right back in the gym when I get back from Miami, so I ‘m not worried about that!

Right now, I am feeling a little bit lethargic, but that probably has more do with the fact that I was up late last night with…. Ok, I need to name her; I’ll call her ‘J’, [DON”T READ THIS PART MOM] having the best sex of my LIFE! OMG! Ok, I’m not gonna go in to detail, but I’m so falling for this girl… and yes it is the same girl that I wrote about here.

So anyways… back to the Cleanse…:)

It is definitely tough… and it’s not so much that I’m hungry… I just want to eat, out of habit I guess. Work seems to be the hardest part of the day. Once I’m home I’m ok… I read or meditate or watch TV and I don’t even think about food. It definitely helps that G is doing it too.

I can’t wait see what the scale says at the end of all of this… my goal is 165lbs. I will keep you guys posted.

Wish me luck!

Giddy… :)

She saw my profile on a popular dating website… we had similar interests and seemed to be on the same wave length… so she ‘winked’ at me. We exchanged emails, text messages and spoke on the phone and I was already completely enamored before ever meeting her. Her emails were engaging and inquisitive, she wanted to know what made me tick and she opened herself up to me. She’s a poet and an Aquarius… an amazing combination. Her way with words made me literally laugh out loud and other times made my spine tingle. I was giddy and excited, but I knew I had to meet her in person before I got wrapped up in a figment of my imagination. Then we met…. And now here I am with butterflies in my stomach.

What is happening to me? This girl has totally caught me off guard. We barely know each other, but there is this innate connection that I can’t explain. It’s crazy… but the way that I feel when I am with her…. is like nothing that I have experienced before. She’s attentive, affectionate, creative and mature, and when she looks at me I can see something in her eyes… she is vocal about what she is thinking and feeling, she’s beautiful, she is passionate, she’s intelligent and insightful, I trust her when she is in control and I can totally let go with her…. I don’t feel the need to be the one that does everything. She’s my equal.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I know, I know….. sloooooooow down. And when I say love… I don’t mean actual love I just mean that there is an immediate connection, an animal attraction… and a conscience awareness of it.

Some people have said that it is too soon for me to get involved with someone again. Honestly I had no intention of anything serious, but now, I don’t know that I can say that anymore. The universe brought her into my life at this very moment for a reason and it feels so right. This process of emotional and spiritual growth that I have gone through (and am still going through) has aligned me with her. So I’m going with it.

Stay tuned…. :)

Hello again...

I haven’t written in a while… shame on me. I’ve wanted to write several times and starting typing, but then got pulled away for one reason or another.

I’m not sure where to start.

I’ve been sober for 25 days. Yes, I realize I sound like an alcoholic, I don’t want to go into details, but I was absolutely out of control and totally destructive.

My plan is to go 30 days. The point of this period of sobriety is to sit still and actually feel whatever I was trying to mask with the alcohol. Drinking made things seems so simple… I don’t give a shit about anything, I’ll say whatever to anybody and it makes me feel like my ‘situation’ isn’t a situation.

The truth is; I’m lonely. Which is normal I guess. But, I hate feeling like I am always available to other people, and other people aren’t available to me.

When did this happen?

I have a wonderful group of friends so I know that I’m not ‘alone’, but I guess I just didn’t realize how much of an adjustment single life would be. I was apart of a couple for most of my 20’s…. and now I am having to redefine and rediscover myself. I don’t think I really grasped the extent of that, hence the alcohol abuse…. Well, until now anyway.

I’m enjoying the time that I spend alone (most of the time). I feel like I am growing and searching to learn more about who this new me is and what I want out of life. Honestly, it’s hard…. It’s hard to sit still with your own thoughts, your own past, present and future with nothing blurring your view. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of distractions, but I’m trying to lean towards the non-destructive and non-life altering kind. It’s amazing how aware you become when just pay attention.

I’m a work in progress.

I find comfort in knowing that as traumatically painful and core-shaking as this experience has been, I know that I made the right decision for me and I will come out stronger, healthier and better because of it.

Everything happens exactly as it should…even when you think it shouldn’t.

Being single and fabulous is EXPENSIVE……

As you all know, I’ve kinda been all over the place the last few months. Literally all over the place… NYC, Miami, Dallas, LA. Between this and the going out EVERY WEEKEND (and getting wasted) I have managed to run my credit cards right back up to where I started! :-/

I know, I know…. What the hell are you doing?

I had a bit of a reality check last weekend. I wrecked my car while I was driving…. A bit intoxicated and texting.

Good job genius.

I know. I don’t want to talk about it.

And now…. As I’m on the phone with the student loan people, I got another reality check.

After 5 years of deferments and forbearances I have to start paying that shit back too.

I know.

So I have to pull $500 out of my savings for my deductible to fix my poor little car AND I have to start sending Nelnet $167.55 as well.

I made almost $60,000 last year….. why am I still in debt??????

Reality check.

So, I have updated my debt tally and I’m going back to my budget. The good news is, once I get the deposit back from the house I will have over $4000 in savings for ‘emergencies’ so I won’t feel so inclined to use the plastic.

Seriously, being single is pricey!

I was doing so well before the breakup, because I had turned into a hermit. No that I am ALIVE again; I don’t know what to do with myself, so I do crazy things like buy everyone a round of patron shots.

Cause that sounds like a great idea.

I’m seriously shaking my head at myself.

Realistically, I can’t promise that I’ll stop going out. But I can promise, that I won’t drink and drive anymore and I will stop using my credit cards for dumb shit (like patron).

All that said, and I have a date tonight! :)

I’m not the kind of girl that will look the other way when the check comes…. But instead of offering to pay, I’ll just offer to go dutch.

Baby steps.

I’ll tell you more about her later. Let’s just say, this is going to be interesting. :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

I can FLY......

Skydiving may be the most amazing, insanely cool thing that I have ever done!

It was terrifying, freeing and thrilling all at the same time. I LOVED it! The only problem now… is that I am looking for that ‘free-falling’ feeling again and I can’t seem to get it from anything else! I can’t even explain it. When I was sitting in front of the open door of the plane getting hit by the wind and staring down at the earth I got this adrenaline rush and a petrifying calmness… then all of a sudden my tandem instructor vaults us out of the plane and we are tumbling through the sky at a speed that I have NEVER felt. I literally felt like I was flying. For the first few seconds I don’t think I was even breathing… I was in shock! Once I regained my breath I screamed and yelled and cheered and just could not stop SMILING! It was just amazing… To let go of all control like that (and still be ok)… just amazing.

After we landed safely I promised myself that I was going to leave all my control issues and insecurities in the sky. Time for me to let go…. Things work out as they should, and I have to learn to trust that.

I want to do it again!

So from now on whenever I am down or sad… or just not feeling ‘it’… I’m gonna watch my skydive video and get high all over again!

Could this be Happiness…

I have the most amazing friends in the world. Seriously. They make me forget that I am ‘supposed’ to be sad. Despite everything, I actually feel happy.

I spent last weekend in LA with G and one of my bestest guy friends who recently moved out there, we’ll call him W. He is the sweetest, most caring, true gentleman and best host ever. I would totally want to marry him if I was straight! I have not had that much carefree, ‘let it all out’, ‘leave all your problems behind fun’ in a good minute. The whole weekend was bonding with G and W, partying and seeing LA. It sounds silly, but I felt really connected to them both. They mean the world to me!

The motto of the weekend…

“Wish we could party all night and sleep all day and throw all of our problems away. Life would be easy…. Life would be easy!” :)

G and I actually wound up getting matching tattoos while we were out there. You guys know how much I love her, she is the best friend ever, so the tattoo is a small symbol of the connection we will always have. :) It’s a nautical star with a heart over the top of it. The nautical star symbolizes finding your way or finding your own path in life and of course the heart symbolizes the love that we share as ‘heart-sisters’. We both got it on our left sides, since that is the side that your heart is on. :) Cheesy, I know… but no matter where we are will always be together. :)

Unfortunately, the weekend had to end and I had to come back to work. Boo.

The good news is G and I are moving into our new apartment this weekend. The bad news is we procrastinated on the packing, so now it is a mad dash to get everything done. It is still very bittersweet. Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely thrilled to be cutting off all ties with N and officially moving on with my life, but it is still a lot to digest. It’s really truly over. BUT…. This also means I can start inviting girls over to the house without worrying that N will be home! :) Not that I have them lined up or anything, because trust me I don’t… but at least I can once I get that far!

Despite everything, I feel like I am in a good place and continuously moving forward to a better one. I’m still a little confused by what the hell I am going to do with my life and what the future will bring, but what 20something isn’t from time to time? I know that I am strong and I know that I am resilient and I KNOW that no matter how hard or how far I fall, I always get back up a better person.

Happiness according to Wikipidea:

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

I think I may be happy. :)

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be…

Under this big smile, new hair cut and constant positivity, I can feel myself flailing…

I don’t know how else to explain it. I keep force feeding myself positive thoughts, ideas and energy hoping that at some point it will stay down. It’s not so much that I am sad, it’s more that I feel a little lost, confused and out of control.

G and I are moving out of the house that we share with N at the end of this month. My plans are to be completely moved to New York City by May. We are setup to sign a 4 month lease in our new apartment here until my big move to NYC. I have been searching and searching for a job in NYC and I have sent in well over 100 resumes and I’ve got nothing… not one single bite. It just hit me, just now… four months is NOT a long time, what the fuck am I going to do? G asked me a while back if I believed in my dream, I told her, I believe in it so much that it’s not a dream, it’s my reality. I’m trying really hard to hold on to that because the truth is, I honestly believed it when I said it. I’m in tears right now while I am typing this (at work) because I don’t know if I know how to hold on to it. And it’s not just the job thing that is holding me back… I am actually starting to enjoy myself here… just a little. As I start to get over the shock and pain of the heartache I don’t feel so inclined to run away. Don’t get me wrong I still lust after NYC, but I’m wondering where my motives come from. I am still finding my footing, but I realize how much I have here. My initial reaction was to get the fuck out of here as soon as humanly possibly, my heart is broken, my best friend is leaving the country, and my family doesn’t live here anyways…. Why would I stay? I guess I am realizing that regardless of where I live I am starting over… starting a new chapter, not just logistically speaking but emotionally as well. I think I fooled myself into thinking that if I moved to another city, my favorite city, I would be ok again.

God I hope I am only feeling this way because of PMS.

So at this point my first instinct is to extend our lease to 6 months; but doesn’t that make my ‘reality’ go back to being just a dream? Or am I being ‘responsible’ in a tough economic climate? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am capable of almost anything and I know that I can endure the weight of my fears… now I just have to figure out how to face them and move past them. Maybe this is a completely asinine explanation, but what if God put this fear in my heart because I need to stay here… at least for now?

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.

I think my biggest fear is the tinny, tiny possibility that NYC is just not written in my density…. But it’s not the ‘not being in NYC’ part that scares me, it’s the ‘what the fuck am I going to do with my life if I don’t have NYC as my new chapter’ part that really has me freaking out right now.

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be….. I really have to take this to heart and try to let go of the fear and let whatever will be, be… and stop flailing.

On another note…

Remember when G went Skydiving and I chickened out? Well, I’m done being a chicken! I signed up and paid… we are jumping on the 31st!

G mentioned it while I was at home for Christmas, that and I just kinda blew it off because, well, it’s terrifying. Then the other day I was posting this quote on Facebook from Marilyn Monroe, “We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” As I was typing it in my status box I thought, FUCK IT, Marilyn is so right, I’m just gonna to do it! I called up and paid that day…. It’s done, I’m gonna SKYDIVE!

I have some homework to do before the actual jump though…. This isn’t just me jumping out of a ‘perfectly fine’ plane; it’s about me standing up to my fears and saying FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T HAVE POWER OVER ME ANYMORE! (I’VE said fuck quite a lot today…. sorry… seems necessary!) I feel like I have to acknowledge all the things I am afraid of, upset about or just don’t have control over and accept whatever feelings I have over them, but then let them go; if I can jump out of a plane, I can most definitely do that.

I know skydiving is not going to make all my troubles go away, but it is making me be more deliberate and concise of my thoughts, feelings, intentions and actions….. And well, that’s a start.

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.

How things change….

This morning I woke up startled, sad and on the verge of tears for reasons unbeknownst to me. Ok, I’m sure it didn’t help that I woke up late because my stupid Blackberry is on the fritz again, but it was more than that.

I’m not really sure how to explain it… maybe Aunt Flo is on the way and that is contributing to these feelings. I just feel overwhelmed.

Maybe I should give you a little update since I haven’t written in months...
First…

N and I are so over we need a new word for over.

I still love her and this entire situation hurts my hurt, but I can’t go back- I can’t go back for sake of my own happiness, wellbeing and sanity. I just need more than what she can give. That doesn’t discount our relationship or make her a horrible person…. It just makes it over.

Second….

Apparently I was a caged animal that has just been let free. I have been partying like no one’s business! It is fun and liberating…. But I think I just realized that I really am using it as a façade to mask my hurt and pain. In the mist of this neurotic behavior I have managed to develop a crush on one of the least ideal women in this city! G says you can’t help who you like… I guess she is right, but I am still trying to figure out my motives. More about that later…


Third…

I am still seeing my therapist and she is really helping me to become aware of my patterns…. However, now I am trying to figure out what the hell to do now that I am aware AND how to shift my patterns to something/someone that is better for me.


So I’m sad and I’m hurt… but I know that I will be ok. I mean I REALLY, REALLY know that I will be ok (so don’t freak out Mom… I know you are reading this!) ..I’m excited and anxious to see what is going to happen next in my life, but I also know that there will be more mornings that I will wake up sad… and it’s ok, it’s a part of life and I can literally feel myself turning into a different person.

Happy New Year everyone! :)