Could this be Happiness…

I have the most amazing friends in the world. Seriously. They make me forget that I am ‘supposed’ to be sad. Despite everything, I actually feel happy.

I spent last weekend in LA with G and one of my bestest guy friends who recently moved out there, we’ll call him W. He is the sweetest, most caring, true gentleman and best host ever. I would totally want to marry him if I was straight! I have not had that much carefree, ‘let it all out’, ‘leave all your problems behind fun’ in a good minute. The whole weekend was bonding with G and W, partying and seeing LA. It sounds silly, but I felt really connected to them both. They mean the world to me!

The motto of the weekend…

“Wish we could party all night and sleep all day and throw all of our problems away. Life would be easy…. Life would be easy!” :)

G and I actually wound up getting matching tattoos while we were out there. You guys know how much I love her, she is the best friend ever, so the tattoo is a small symbol of the connection we will always have. :) It’s a nautical star with a heart over the top of it. The nautical star symbolizes finding your way or finding your own path in life and of course the heart symbolizes the love that we share as ‘heart-sisters’. We both got it on our left sides, since that is the side that your heart is on. :) Cheesy, I know… but no matter where we are will always be together. :)

Unfortunately, the weekend had to end and I had to come back to work. Boo.

The good news is G and I are moving into our new apartment this weekend. The bad news is we procrastinated on the packing, so now it is a mad dash to get everything done. It is still very bittersweet. Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely thrilled to be cutting off all ties with N and officially moving on with my life, but it is still a lot to digest. It’s really truly over. BUT…. This also means I can start inviting girls over to the house without worrying that N will be home! :) Not that I have them lined up or anything, because trust me I don’t… but at least I can once I get that far!

Despite everything, I feel like I am in a good place and continuously moving forward to a better one. I’m still a little confused by what the hell I am going to do with my life and what the future will bring, but what 20something isn’t from time to time? I know that I am strong and I know that I am resilient and I KNOW that no matter how hard or how far I fall, I always get back up a better person.

Happiness according to Wikipidea:

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

I think I may be happy. :)

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be…

Under this big smile, new hair cut and constant positivity, I can feel myself flailing…

I don’t know how else to explain it. I keep force feeding myself positive thoughts, ideas and energy hoping that at some point it will stay down. It’s not so much that I am sad, it’s more that I feel a little lost, confused and out of control.

G and I are moving out of the house that we share with N at the end of this month. My plans are to be completely moved to New York City by May. We are setup to sign a 4 month lease in our new apartment here until my big move to NYC. I have been searching and searching for a job in NYC and I have sent in well over 100 resumes and I’ve got nothing… not one single bite. It just hit me, just now… four months is NOT a long time, what the fuck am I going to do? G asked me a while back if I believed in my dream, I told her, I believe in it so much that it’s not a dream, it’s my reality. I’m trying really hard to hold on to that because the truth is, I honestly believed it when I said it. I’m in tears right now while I am typing this (at work) because I don’t know if I know how to hold on to it. And it’s not just the job thing that is holding me back… I am actually starting to enjoy myself here… just a little. As I start to get over the shock and pain of the heartache I don’t feel so inclined to run away. Don’t get me wrong I still lust after NYC, but I’m wondering where my motives come from. I am still finding my footing, but I realize how much I have here. My initial reaction was to get the fuck out of here as soon as humanly possibly, my heart is broken, my best friend is leaving the country, and my family doesn’t live here anyways…. Why would I stay? I guess I am realizing that regardless of where I live I am starting over… starting a new chapter, not just logistically speaking but emotionally as well. I think I fooled myself into thinking that if I moved to another city, my favorite city, I would be ok again.

God I hope I am only feeling this way because of PMS.

So at this point my first instinct is to extend our lease to 6 months; but doesn’t that make my ‘reality’ go back to being just a dream? Or am I being ‘responsible’ in a tough economic climate? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am capable of almost anything and I know that I can endure the weight of my fears… now I just have to figure out how to face them and move past them. Maybe this is a completely asinine explanation, but what if God put this fear in my heart because I need to stay here… at least for now?

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.

I think my biggest fear is the tinny, tiny possibility that NYC is just not written in my density…. But it’s not the ‘not being in NYC’ part that scares me, it’s the ‘what the fuck am I going to do with my life if I don’t have NYC as my new chapter’ part that really has me freaking out right now.

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be….. I really have to take this to heart and try to let go of the fear and let whatever will be, be… and stop flailing.

On another note…

Remember when G went Skydiving and I chickened out? Well, I’m done being a chicken! I signed up and paid… we are jumping on the 31st!

G mentioned it while I was at home for Christmas, that and I just kinda blew it off because, well, it’s terrifying. Then the other day I was posting this quote on Facebook from Marilyn Monroe, “We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” As I was typing it in my status box I thought, FUCK IT, Marilyn is so right, I’m just gonna to do it! I called up and paid that day…. It’s done, I’m gonna SKYDIVE!

I have some homework to do before the actual jump though…. This isn’t just me jumping out of a ‘perfectly fine’ plane; it’s about me standing up to my fears and saying FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T HAVE POWER OVER ME ANYMORE! (I’VE said fuck quite a lot today…. sorry… seems necessary!) I feel like I have to acknowledge all the things I am afraid of, upset about or just don’t have control over and accept whatever feelings I have over them, but then let them go; if I can jump out of a plane, I can most definitely do that.

I know skydiving is not going to make all my troubles go away, but it is making me be more deliberate and concise of my thoughts, feelings, intentions and actions….. And well, that’s a start.

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.

How things change….

This morning I woke up startled, sad and on the verge of tears for reasons unbeknownst to me. Ok, I’m sure it didn’t help that I woke up late because my stupid Blackberry is on the fritz again, but it was more than that.

I’m not really sure how to explain it… maybe Aunt Flo is on the way and that is contributing to these feelings. I just feel overwhelmed.

Maybe I should give you a little update since I haven’t written in months...
First…

N and I are so over we need a new word for over.

I still love her and this entire situation hurts my hurt, but I can’t go back- I can’t go back for sake of my own happiness, wellbeing and sanity. I just need more than what she can give. That doesn’t discount our relationship or make her a horrible person…. It just makes it over.

Second….

Apparently I was a caged animal that has just been let free. I have been partying like no one’s business! It is fun and liberating…. But I think I just realized that I really am using it as a façade to mask my hurt and pain. In the mist of this neurotic behavior I have managed to develop a crush on one of the least ideal women in this city! G says you can’t help who you like… I guess she is right, but I am still trying to figure out my motives. More about that later…


Third…

I am still seeing my therapist and she is really helping me to become aware of my patterns…. However, now I am trying to figure out what the hell to do now that I am aware AND how to shift my patterns to something/someone that is better for me.


So I’m sad and I’m hurt… but I know that I will be ok. I mean I REALLY, REALLY know that I will be ok (so don’t freak out Mom… I know you are reading this!) ..I’m excited and anxious to see what is going to happen next in my life, but I also know that there will be more mornings that I will wake up sad… and it’s ok, it’s a part of life and I can literally feel myself turning into a different person.

Happy New Year everyone! :)

All cried out…

I’m sure there will be plenty more tears over N, but not anymore this morning. Why do I do this to myself? She has made it abruptly clear who she is and what she wants, why am I always so surprised?

It is soooooooooo hard to swallow. This is really it. There isn’t anything else.
So let me elaborate why I am so upset at 7am.

She just got home about 45 minutes ago. Yes, she got home at 6am.

I know it’s none of my business, we are broken up, and she can do whatever she wants.

My problem is this. Yesterday, she was hugging me and telling me how much she missed me.
Mind you the first altercation happened last week. She asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. I was actually considering going. Then I told her the only day I was free was this past Saturday. Her response, “its Halloween”. That was the end of the conversation. Yes it was Halloween, and her priority was to go hang out with friends and party it up. That is fine. But don’t tell me you miss me and you want to spend time with me. You had an opportunity to spend time with me and you made your decision. And that decision did not include me.
So after that incident I was annoyed. I’m mean this is who she is, right? So why am I surprised.
Fastforward to yesterday morning. Again, she is doing the “I miss you” thing. And me being the person I am, I say, “You can’t miss me that much, because you chose to hang out with your friends instead of going to the movies with me.” She responds with her signature dumbfounded look, “Well I had plans that day already.”

I’m glad to know where I fall in your priority list.

Then she goes on to say we can go sometime this week. Seriously? Don’t do me any favors. So I say to her, I don’t think we should, this back and forth isn’t working, and it just makes things harder. And that is the end of that conversation.

THEN

She comes home this morning at 6am. AT 6 FUCKING AM.

She has made it very clear. She doesn’t give two shits about me. I am so enraged I send her a text message when I hear her door close.

Are you just getting home? Seriously? I know it’s none of my business, but seriously?

She comes into my room and I just lose it. How can she possibly say she misses me and then stay out until 6am?? On a Monday night?? Are you doing sleepovers already? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK.

I ask her how she can at one point say she misses me and want to spend time with me and then pull some shit like that. She says she was watching football at a friend’s house and drank too much, so she slept on the floor. She says she is confused because yesterday I told her it wasn’t a good idea for us to hang out. I can’t even take that bullshit statement! I say you are an adult and you make your own decisions and this last sequence of decisions makes a few things very clear.
She can’t possibly be that stupid. I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to hangout because I am at the BOTTOM of your fucked up little priority list. I deserve better than that. Your response? Instead of trying to prove that I am at the top of your priority list you spend the night at someone’s house? Way to go there genius. You made yourself perfectly clear.
I scream and yell about not giving a fuck who her friend is that she stayed with…. That is beside the point, why would I believe anything she says anyways. I finally just say, you can do whatever you want, but please stop going back and forth with me with the “I miss you” and “let’s hangout” because CLEARLY you have made the decisions that you have made for a reason, so stop dragging me along. And that was it. End of the conversation and surprise, she had nothing to say.

You would think that I get it by now. This is it. There isn’t anything else.

I can barley take this anymore. I need to find a job in NYC like yesterday.

Patterns...

So I have been seeing my therapist since September… and maybe I give myself too much credit, but I have always thought that I am a pretty smart girl. Well, maybe I am actually smart, but clearly I am blind.

How could I have not noticed these patterns in my life? My Father, N, my friends, work…. Every aspect of my life has a similar pattern. I somehow feel some short of responsibility over someone or something and I take over. Never fear… “Getting Close to 30” is here. To the rescue again. Always picking up the pieces of someone’s shit. Or trying to glue it back together for that matter. Who is picking up my pieces? Who is worried about gluing my pieces back together? This isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame. It is about recognizing my patterns. And understanding what roll I play in this mess.

I had an “Ah-Ha” moment when I was talking to my therapist about how annoyed I was with work. I had been working like CRAZY doing someone else’s job. I rationalized it because he had other stuff to do, and didn’t have time to cover everything. But what about the other shit I had to do? Is his stuff more important than mine?? Uh, No. Again, that sense of responsibility to jump to the rescue. And what the fuck do I get out of it? Absolutely nothing. Well, that’s not true I get to feel resentful and annoyed. Sound familiar?

There really isn’t anything to say about N. It’s over. We broke up. She will never be what I am looking for. I guess it is just really hard to accept that. Well, it’s not that hard, because she hasn’t even fought for me. Not really fought for me. She’ll randomly make comments like, “I miss you”. But that is it… then she goes out with her friends and stays out until the wee hours. She even asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. I told her the only day I was available was Saturday night… she was like, “oh, that’s Halloween.” WTF does that have to do with anything?? So going out on Halloween is more important than spending time with your ex-girlfriend whom you claim you want back?? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I get it now God, she’s not the one for me. Why though? Why can’t I have someone who loves me so much that they don’t mind forfeiting club time for time with me? Why can’t I have someone who is a responsible adult who will look for a stamp on an envelope before just throwing it in the mailbox? (Long story) I want someone who is going to match my drive and ambition. Someone I can depend on, and don’t have to be a “Mom” to. I guess somewhere back deep down beneath all the anger I do kinda wish N was that person…. But then my head goes, “Uh, Hello…. WAKE UP! You deserve someone who will fight for you”.

*Sigh*

How did I get here?

No Inhibitions…

It has been a long while since I last posted.

I’m in Texas for work at the moment. This past weekend I was in Miami with CC for a mini vacation and the weekend before that I was in NYC with N.

About N… we have decided to separate for now. I don’t know where we are going, but for now we are taking a break. I love her, of course, but sometimes you have to think about what is right for both of you and not just what you “want” to happen in theory. I also started seeing a therapist since all this started. She is really making me reflect, not just about N, but about myself and why I am the way I am and what I can do to improve on me.

I get it; it is all a part of the process of growing up. But nobody told me how freaking hard it would be.

So my new goal is to live my life with no inhibitions. If I want to do something; I do it. If I want to move somewhere I am going, if I want to wear something; guess what? I’m gonna wear it. No reservations. And no clearing anything with anybody.

I had the most amazing time in Miami. Seriously, I felt like it was College spring break again (except I had more money this time!) We stayed out and partied ALL freaking night… well into the morning, then got up around 9am got dressed and laid out on the beach all day until about 6pm, then went home showered, got dressed and partied it up all over again. I can’t remember the last time I stayed out until 5am and had a BLAST the entire night. I will say that the alcohol helped- but hey, whatever works!

I am so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life; Thank you guys for your unconditional love and support.

You know it is funny that my blog is titled, “How did I get here”. Initially it meant, how did I get to this weight and how did I get into this debt. But now… it includes so much more. Seriously, how did I get here???

That’s it for now… talk to you guys again soon.

Love without instruction

This is so hard to write about.

Maybe because it makes it real, and I really have to deal with it.

Long story short, my girlfriend cheated on me. Well, has been cheating on me. Cheated sounds like it was a one time occurrence.

I found out by accident. She left her phone on my dresser, she was in the bathroom. It was beeping and vibrating. I picked it up and looked at the message. We’ll call the girl “homewrecker”. I don’t remember what it said exactly, but baby stood out. Yep, baby. So I kept scrolling through the messages. It just got worse. Homewrecker writes, “I can’t believe it’s been 6 months. My girlfriend says… wait I need to rename her. .. I’ll call her N. N says, “ u satisfy me mentally and physically”, and there is some mention of me and adultery, but then N goes on to invite the homewrecker to her aerobics class the next day.

I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach again. That sick feeling. And the fucking tears again.
Anyways.

I walked into the bathroom where N was sitting on the toilet. All I could say is, “Who the fuck is homewrecker?” She played stupid for a few minutes, but then she realized she couldn’t lie her way out of it. Just a friend from school. REALLY? A friend from school that you are FUCKING??

So that is a recap of what happened a few weeks ago.

I still can’t really verbalize how I feel. I am hurt and disappointed and sad and pissed off, but at the same time, I am mad at myself. I feel so betrayed. I can’t explain in words how much I trusted her. It was unconditional. I never for a second thought that she would be capable for something like this. I put her in another category. The- "people that would never betray their girlfriend category."

Clearly I was wrong. Really, really wrong.

Who the fuck is this person that I have been with for the last 5 years of my life??

I think the worst part for is that number 1, it was a complete surprise, but maybe more important, number 2, I was unhappy before all of this. I swept it under the rug and hung on to her promises of a better future, of things changing and because I really thought things would get better. I mean after 5 years you are bound to have some bad times right? At least that is how I rationalized my feelings.

There are so many more details that I am leaving out. Remember that big fight we had over a month ago and I blogged about it here, yeah well, this is when I told her that I was unhappy where we were and we had to change, and she told me she loved me and she would work on it. That didn’t mean shit, because she was cheating on me then too. I actually had a long conversation with my Mom because I was so torn by this fight and I remember saying to her, “when did this become so hard, when did we become so different. Sometimes I just wish she was this awful person that just cheated on me so it would be easier for me to make the decision to walk away. She really is a wonderful girlfriend- we just have communication issues.”

As stupid as it sounds, I still love her so much, and I really, really truly wish that she would be the person that I needed.

Tears again.

Of course she apologized profusely and said it was the biggest mistake of her life and she would do anything to make it right again. She sent me flowers and sent me good morning and I miss you text messages.

I moved all her stuff out of our closest and moved her into the 3rd bedroom when she was out of town.

Yes, she sent me flowers at work. But other than that she hasn’t really said a word. We have had a few conversations, me saying how could you and her saying I'm sorry, but that is it. It almost seems like she doesn’t know how to fix it, so she does nothing. Well she does something; she drinks beer and watches football in her new bedroom while I sit downstairs with G, or sit in my room alone.

I think this weekend was a wakeup call for me. We were all invited to a friend’s 30th birthday party, although I did not want to go at all, I went anyway because I didn’t want G to go alone. N was invited as well, but she went to an old co-works game night instead.

Seriously.

She asked me if I wanted to go with her and I was like, uh, no… if I go anyway it will be to our mutual friends birthday party. She asked me if I wanted her to come with me. My answer? It’s whatever. Her reasoning for going to the game night instead of spending the evening with me… she was invited to game night first.

What are you, ten?

This is exactly the shit that I am talking about. She really doesn’t fucking get it. Or maybe she does and just doesn’t give a shit.

You broke my heart. You turned our whole relationship upside down, you say you want to fix it, but instead of spending time with me you decide to go to fucking game night?? Until after midnight?? Seriously? What kind of fucked up planet do you come from?

Maybe I am crazy or high maintenance. But if it was the other way around and I cheated on her and truly did want to stay with her and try to mend the relationship I would be where ever she was. All the time.

So what now?

That is a great question.

We have 8 months left in our lease. I am going through the motions. I’m not going to start any conversations with her or complain that she isn’t showing me any attention. I shouldn’t have to give her instructions on how to love me. After 5 years, she knows who I am.

My goal and what I am praying every night for is to get a job offer in New York City (a good job offer that will allow me to live in Manhattan). I have been sending resumes like crazy. I know it is going to happen. It is just a matter of when. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Until then I am praying for that job offer as soon as heavenly possible. Feel free to keep me in your prayers.

I am a strong, beautiful, very –very determined woman. I know I will be fine, I always am.

My world has been turned upside down…

I’m not ready to write about it.

But it’s not good. I'm healthy, my family is healthy, no one is sick... but I feel broken.

I probabley won’t write for a while. Not until I can find the right words.

I don’t know when that will be.

Weigh-in Friday…

196.6lbs

I’ve attempted to write a couple of times in the last couple of days, but for one reason or another I’ve gotten sidetracked and said, “I’ll do it later”

Accountability…. I know.

Probably part of the reason I haven’t been writing as much. It’s not as fun to write about eating crap, not working out and gaining weight, oh and being broke!

I am headed back in the right direction now. I think. Or at least, I want to.

I started working out again this week after not working out for 2 weeks.

I started back with a cardio kickboxing class… that wasn’t a good idea, I about died in that damn class. I worked out again on Wednesday… (I successfully ran a mile in 10 minutes!), and I worked out again last night.

But I have to be honest, I didn’t want to do it AT ALL.

Once I was at the gym and working out I was fine, but after I left I didn’t have that high that I normally get, it was more like dread thinking about doing it again the next day.

What is that about??

I have been buying more organic foods, so that is good, but newsflash to me, just because it is organic doesn’t mean that it doesn’t count!

I don’t even wanna talk about the finances. I’ll just say this, I got paid yesterday and I’m already broke!

I hate when that happens!!

With all of my trips coming up and miscellaneous stuff here and there the money is spent before I even get it!

Oh well.

I’ll be traveling to Florida for next week work , so I’ll probably be M.I.A. again for a little bit.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Maybe a litlle melodramatic...

I think I'm over my crazy spell... at least for now! :-)

Seriously, I'm feeling much better. I just haven't had time to write because I've been working like CRAZY.

I'm actually about to go to sleep because I have to be at work at 3am. Yes, 3am.

Ugh.

Next week will be much better.

I'll have to update you on everything else later.

P.S. I weighed myself this morning... 196.8lbs. :-(
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