Patterns...

So I have been seeing my therapist since September… and maybe I give myself too much credit, but I have always thought that I am a pretty smart girl. Well, maybe I am actually smart, but clearly I am blind.

How could I have not noticed these patterns in my life? My Father, N, my friends, work…. Every aspect of my life has a similar pattern. I somehow feel some short of responsibility over someone or something and I take over. Never fear… “Getting Close to 30” is here. To the rescue again. Always picking up the pieces of someone’s shit. Or trying to glue it back together for that matter. Who is picking up my pieces? Who is worried about gluing my pieces back together? This isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame. It is about recognizing my patterns. And understanding what roll I play in this mess.

I had an “Ah-Ha” moment when I was talking to my therapist about how annoyed I was with work. I had been working like CRAZY doing someone else’s job. I rationalized it because he had other stuff to do, and didn’t have time to cover everything. But what about the other shit I had to do? Is his stuff more important than mine?? Uh, No. Again, that sense of responsibility to jump to the rescue. And what the fuck do I get out of it? Absolutely nothing. Well, that’s not true I get to feel resentful and annoyed. Sound familiar?

There really isn’t anything to say about N. It’s over. We broke up. She will never be what I am looking for. I guess it is just really hard to accept that. Well, it’s not that hard, because she hasn’t even fought for me. Not really fought for me. She’ll randomly make comments like, “I miss you”. But that is it… then she goes out with her friends and stays out until the wee hours. She even asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. I told her the only day I was available was Saturday night… she was like, “oh, that’s Halloween.” WTF does that have to do with anything?? So going out on Halloween is more important than spending time with your ex-girlfriend whom you claim you want back?? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I get it now God, she’s not the one for me. Why though? Why can’t I have someone who loves me so much that they don’t mind forfeiting club time for time with me? Why can’t I have someone who is a responsible adult who will look for a stamp on an envelope before just throwing it in the mailbox? (Long story) I want someone who is going to match my drive and ambition. Someone I can depend on, and don’t have to be a “Mom” to. I guess somewhere back deep down beneath all the anger I do kinda wish N was that person…. But then my head goes, “Uh, Hello…. WAKE UP! You deserve someone who will fight for you”.

*Sigh*

How did I get here?

No Inhibitions…

It has been a long while since I last posted.

I’m in Texas for work at the moment. This past weekend I was in Miami with CC for a mini vacation and the weekend before that I was in NYC with N.

About N… we have decided to separate for now. I don’t know where we are going, but for now we are taking a break. I love her, of course, but sometimes you have to think about what is right for both of you and not just what you “want” to happen in theory. I also started seeing a therapist since all this started. She is really making me reflect, not just about N, but about myself and why I am the way I am and what I can do to improve on me.

I get it; it is all a part of the process of growing up. But nobody told me how freaking hard it would be.

So my new goal is to live my life with no inhibitions. If I want to do something; I do it. If I want to move somewhere I am going, if I want to wear something; guess what? I’m gonna wear it. No reservations. And no clearing anything with anybody.

I had the most amazing time in Miami. Seriously, I felt like it was College spring break again (except I had more money this time!) We stayed out and partied ALL freaking night… well into the morning, then got up around 9am got dressed and laid out on the beach all day until about 6pm, then went home showered, got dressed and partied it up all over again. I can’t remember the last time I stayed out until 5am and had a BLAST the entire night. I will say that the alcohol helped- but hey, whatever works!

I am so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life; Thank you guys for your unconditional love and support.

You know it is funny that my blog is titled, “How did I get here”. Initially it meant, how did I get to this weight and how did I get into this debt. But now… it includes so much more. Seriously, how did I get here???

That’s it for now… talk to you guys again soon.