Love without instruction

This is so hard to write about.

Maybe because it makes it real, and I really have to deal with it.

Long story short, my girlfriend cheated on me. Well, has been cheating on me. Cheated sounds like it was a one time occurrence.

I found out by accident. She left her phone on my dresser, she was in the bathroom. It was beeping and vibrating. I picked it up and looked at the message. We’ll call the girl “homewrecker”. I don’t remember what it said exactly, but baby stood out. Yep, baby. So I kept scrolling through the messages. It just got worse. Homewrecker writes, “I can’t believe it’s been 6 months. My girlfriend says… wait I need to rename her. .. I’ll call her N. N says, “ u satisfy me mentally and physically”, and there is some mention of me and adultery, but then N goes on to invite the homewrecker to her aerobics class the next day.

I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach again. That sick feeling. And the fucking tears again.
Anyways.

I walked into the bathroom where N was sitting on the toilet. All I could say is, “Who the fuck is homewrecker?” She played stupid for a few minutes, but then she realized she couldn’t lie her way out of it. Just a friend from school. REALLY? A friend from school that you are FUCKING??

So that is a recap of what happened a few weeks ago.

I still can’t really verbalize how I feel. I am hurt and disappointed and sad and pissed off, but at the same time, I am mad at myself. I feel so betrayed. I can’t explain in words how much I trusted her. It was unconditional. I never for a second thought that she would be capable for something like this. I put her in another category. The- "people that would never betray their girlfriend category."

Clearly I was wrong. Really, really wrong.

Who the fuck is this person that I have been with for the last 5 years of my life??

I think the worst part for is that number 1, it was a complete surprise, but maybe more important, number 2, I was unhappy before all of this. I swept it under the rug and hung on to her promises of a better future, of things changing and because I really thought things would get better. I mean after 5 years you are bound to have some bad times right? At least that is how I rationalized my feelings.

There are so many more details that I am leaving out. Remember that big fight we had over a month ago and I blogged about it here, yeah well, this is when I told her that I was unhappy where we were and we had to change, and she told me she loved me and she would work on it. That didn’t mean shit, because she was cheating on me then too. I actually had a long conversation with my Mom because I was so torn by this fight and I remember saying to her, “when did this become so hard, when did we become so different. Sometimes I just wish she was this awful person that just cheated on me so it would be easier for me to make the decision to walk away. She really is a wonderful girlfriend- we just have communication issues.”

As stupid as it sounds, I still love her so much, and I really, really truly wish that she would be the person that I needed.

Tears again.

Of course she apologized profusely and said it was the biggest mistake of her life and she would do anything to make it right again. She sent me flowers and sent me good morning and I miss you text messages.

I moved all her stuff out of our closest and moved her into the 3rd bedroom when she was out of town.

Yes, she sent me flowers at work. But other than that she hasn’t really said a word. We have had a few conversations, me saying how could you and her saying I'm sorry, but that is it. It almost seems like she doesn’t know how to fix it, so she does nothing. Well she does something; she drinks beer and watches football in her new bedroom while I sit downstairs with G, or sit in my room alone.

I think this weekend was a wakeup call for me. We were all invited to a friend’s 30th birthday party, although I did not want to go at all, I went anyway because I didn’t want G to go alone. N was invited as well, but she went to an old co-works game night instead.

Seriously.

She asked me if I wanted to go with her and I was like, uh, no… if I go anyway it will be to our mutual friends birthday party. She asked me if I wanted her to come with me. My answer? It’s whatever. Her reasoning for going to the game night instead of spending the evening with me… she was invited to game night first.

What are you, ten?

This is exactly the shit that I am talking about. She really doesn’t fucking get it. Or maybe she does and just doesn’t give a shit.

You broke my heart. You turned our whole relationship upside down, you say you want to fix it, but instead of spending time with me you decide to go to fucking game night?? Until after midnight?? Seriously? What kind of fucked up planet do you come from?

Maybe I am crazy or high maintenance. But if it was the other way around and I cheated on her and truly did want to stay with her and try to mend the relationship I would be where ever she was. All the time.

So what now?

That is a great question.

We have 8 months left in our lease. I am going through the motions. I’m not going to start any conversations with her or complain that she isn’t showing me any attention. I shouldn’t have to give her instructions on how to love me. After 5 years, she knows who I am.

My goal and what I am praying every night for is to get a job offer in New York City (a good job offer that will allow me to live in Manhattan). I have been sending resumes like crazy. I know it is going to happen. It is just a matter of when. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Until then I am praying for that job offer as soon as heavenly possible. Feel free to keep me in your prayers.

I am a strong, beautiful, very –very determined woman. I know I will be fine, I always am.

My world has been turned upside down…

I’m not ready to write about it.

But it’s not good. I'm healthy, my family is healthy, no one is sick... but I feel broken.

I probabley won’t write for a while. Not until I can find the right words.

I don’t know when that will be.