"Your passion is what stirs your soul...."

"Find your passion. Your passion is what stirs your soul and makes you feel like you're totally in harmony with why you showed up here in the first place." Dr. Wayne Dyer

I had to smile when I read this on FB today, because my girlfriend and I have been talking a lot about this over the last few days. It’s almost like it’s been on my brain so much that it is popping up everywhere… funny how the universe works.

Sooo…what is MY passion? What’s stirs my soul?

That’s the dilemma of my world right now.

I thought cooking/food was my passion. I’m not sure that it is. I like to cook and I LOVE food. But it didn’t feel like a passion today.

I’m in Texas at our corporate test kitchen again for work… we are working on the upcoming menus and part of our process is to recreate all the recipes to test for accuracy and tasting. Well, I’m the only ‘non-chef’ and the only female in the kitchen during this process.

Don’t get me wrong…I love wearing a Chef’s jacket, clunky clog chef’s shoes and working in a commercial kitchen… but feeling like you are a tall as an ant because the Chef’s don’t respect you… not so fun. Being the only woman (out of 14 arrogant Chef’s)… also not so fun.

They always give me the simple dishes to execute… for obvious reasons, my technique and skill aren’t at their level. That said, I fucked up both vinaigrettes I was responsible for making. Well, fucked up is an exaggeration, the recipes were fucked up, but they were still looking at me like I fucked it up.

It’s silly and I know I can cook and I know most people enjoy my food, but I hate that feeling- that feeling that I’m not even good at what I THINK my passion is.

I really do love food… but it is such a blow to my ego knowing that my girlfriend and my friends think I’m this great cook… but really, in a real kitchen outside of my house, I suck.

I had to go hide in the back office for a little while because I felt the tears prickle the back of my eyes. I just felt so frustrated and sad. I remembered looking in the mirror in the bathroom this morning and liking the way the Chef’s jacket looked on me and thinking… hmm, maybe? Is it just the status that I like that comes along with the jacket? If this was my passion, wouldn’t I know it? And if this isn’t it, what do I do now?

And on another note, why is the culinary world dominated by men?

I thought cooking was a woman’s thing? It’s a horrible piggish thing to think that ‘woman belong in the kitchen’… but why isn’t that true in the commercial kitchen?? Because men don’t want women to have any power or prestige?? Maybe this is part of the reason I’m hating the culinary world right now? They are dumb. Some of the male Chef’s anyways. They act like ten year old boys running around the kitchen with chefs knives posing as reputable adults. AND they treat me as a damsel in distress. I CAN DO IT MYSELF! I know what it means to julienne, I don’t need you to show me. No, the knife is too heavy for my sad weak delicate girly hands. Just because I didn’t go to CIA and I have a vjayjay between my legs doesn’t mean I can’t fucking cut onions or chop parsley properly. Ugh. I’m just as competent as they are, but sometimes I don’t feel like I care enough to fight.

So I just had a shitty day at work. Doesn’t mean I can’t still do it. Cook that is.

I don’t wanna just go through the motions in life…. I want to do something that I’m passionate about.

So what’s my passion?

Home sweet home…

I was at home with my family for 10 days. It felt like a 3 day weekend. But I guess that’s why they say time flies when you’re having fun.

Something about being at home recharges my battery… fills my soul. Cheesy but true.
I’ve been coming and going visiting home once… sometimes twice a year for the last 11years. You would think that after this many years the leaving would be a breeze, nope… it’s still hard. Every time.

I know I’ve written about this before, but I’m sitting in the airplane headed back to the states (back to J :-)) and thinking about how much I miss them already. I love my life in my city… just wish they were closer.

Anyways… enough of the sad stuff.

I had an awesome time at home. The highlight was definitely laying on the couch cuddling with my Mom and sister watching TV. Of course we left the house too…. Went to Oma and Opa’s house and ate delicious food. We traveled to Berlin (my first time) for 3 days and roamed around the city looking at bits of history and shopping of course.

I hung out with my Dad and his new girlfriend… that was an adventure. A topic for another post.

I just love the city that I’m from…. It’s so pretty and so full of character. The only thing that would have made it better was if J had been there. We actually had fun the 10 days we spent apart. We Skyped almost every day… and sort of found a new appreciation for each other. J actually started us on a really cute adventure. She started writing a store and sent me what she wrote for me to continue it, then I sent it back and she continued and so on. The story has evolved dramatically… it’s up to 19 pages now… and the plot and getting thicker and thicker. Her sneaky way to get me writing again I guess…lol…. It worked, because we are having so much fun writing it. I love her so much… her creativity and love for words inspires me to rekindle my own love for writing. Needless to say, I can’t wait to see how the story unfolds… it might be too racy to post here…. With Mom reading and all… lol…. We might just have to edit it and send it to a publisher. :-)

Two hours till we land… and back to reality… a pretty awesome reality. :-)