Meltdown…

Forever 21 was the culprit.

About a week or so ago J and I went to the mall to look for a birthday dress for her… it was normal enough, shuffling through clothes, wondering what very petite midget wears the mis-sized clothing floating on the racks, when I spot what seemed to be a very large (even by forever 21 standards) misplaced, beige, 3x, strapless dress.

I jump for a joy on the inside because I was under the impression that their plus size line had been pulled from most of the stores in my state. I proceed to walk around the store to find MY section… it’s a pretty big store, so when I spot someone with the yellow lanyard hanging around his neck I stop and ask…

“excuse me, do you still have a plus size section here?”

The underage twerp rolls his eyes, chuckles and says … “Um, no.” As though I have asked the most ridiculous question in the world.

I immediately shrink to about 2 inches and typical me my eyes swell with tears. I swallow back the tears and keep it moving because, number one I don’t want J to notice (which of course she does) and number 2, I feel like I don’t get to be sad and my feeling don’t get to be hurt, I got to this size on my own, it’s not Forever 21’s fault… or the douche bag that just saw me as another chubby girl in a skinny girls store.

J and I are so connected that she notices that something is wrong and when she asks it all spills over… I hate feeling bad about the way I look. I hate that I can’t buy clothes in regular stores. I hate that I let myself get this big again. The part that sucks the most is that tears are running down my face and I want to go eat something…I don’t wanna work out or try to change, I just want to crawl in a hole and eat.

Why is it so hard? Especially when I know I can do it because I’ve done it before. It’s just so frustrating because I did this to myself… again.

I’m at my highest weight ever and I can’t seem to find the motivation I need to get the weight off for good.

I need to loose 55 pounds…. That’s so intimidating.

It’s depressing.

But such is life…. Time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and do my best. I have to start now. I don’t want to be the girl that has a meltdown because there isn’t a plus size section in the trendy store.

First thing, I am going start my weekly weigh-in back up. Friday mornings, starting next Friday, I’ll weigh myself and I’ll post it right here. I gotta have some accountability, I can’t keep hiding and pretending like it’s not happening.

Second thing, I am going to commit to working out 4 times a week 4 hours total. Doesn’t matter when or how, but I have to get it in.

That’s it for now… in the meantime, if anyone sees my motivation wandering around can you please send it back to me??

xoxo,