How did I get here?

Hell is freezing over....plus some money stuff

2012-01-21T16:04:00.000-05:00

Hell is freezing over... Because I am posting twice in one day!

lol... yes, I know-- I'm a dork

Anywho, I wanted to take the time to update my financial info on my right side bar.

Here's a quick run down:

Emergency Fund: is still in place, in a 'hands off' bank account. Bad news is I haven't contributed to it in some time, but I am earning a few bucks in interest.

Other Savings: account is constantly up and down, but I try really hard to keep at least at $1000 and as things come up I try to save for them. Hence few hundred dollars over my $1000 minimum. They goal is to have a steady $2000, but I've had a hard time keeping that up. I'm hoping to bump in up after my big fat tax return check.

Fully Funded Emergency Fund: isn't in my plans to happen until I am debt free, well at least outside of student loans.

Our Wedding Fund: this poor account has seen no love.... well other than withdrawals. With J out of work the money we started saving for our wedding started to be used for necessities like incredibly high power bills and ridiculous traffic tickets.

On to the debt...

AMEX: I have no excuse for myself. Long story short, I ran this card back up. And as always, I have nothing to show for it... other than the bill. The plan to is knock this out when I get my tax refund and put the card in the freezer so I won't be tempted to swipe.

MBNA: Remember this is the 0% interest card that I used to transfer a big lump some from my personal loan.This card honestly should have bee paid off by now (had I not run the AMEX back up) But as the other, I will pay this one off with a lump sum I will get back from taxes. Just in time before the 0% deal ends.

Personal Loan: My next payment will bring me under $10,000! Yesssss!! I have just been paying the minimum on this as I try to attack the other two (unsuccessfully, but still in the works.) Once I get the other 2 knocked out I will work on stacking on the payments to get this one gone as well.

Overall, I am doing better than I was doing when I started this blog. I started out with about $25,000 in debt and my current balance now (outside of my student loan debt) is $16,492.04. Seems like that number should be lower, but I will take it.

By my birthday in 143 days, my goal is to be down to: $9,000. Which I think is completely realistic. The only reason I'm not being even more aggressive is because I want to save some money for an engagement ring. I'm going to have to start a new secret blog to talk about that. :-)

Not to get completely off subject, but it's funny. I was so angry at J last night and this morning. Like really angry. I didn't post the details, but I was angry to the point that I realized the honeymoon is definitely over (we have honeymoon moments, but the actual 'vacay' is so over.) But after talking to her this morning and sharing my anger, internal battles and issues and watching her listen and really SEE me, I realized what we have is irreplaceable and as angry as I was, us talking about made it go away.... and I still want to marry her, like really wanna marry her. lol.. Isn't that funny? Our relationship isn't perfect, in fact it has been pretty fucking hard from time to time, but we are both so invested, so vulnerable and so willing to communicate, that even in rage we can figure it out. Relationships take work and effort and honesty... I guess a part of me is a little afraid that this relationship will crash and burn just like the last one, but what I am learning is, I am a work in progress and I have to make a conscious effort to not loose myself and that part is just as important as communication with her and putting forth effort.

Ok... that's it. That's all I got. See you soon.

P.S. Feel free to click on the donate button on the top left of the page and show me a little bit of love... or a lotta bit, your call. :-) Thanks a million!

xoxo,

Definitely still obese...

2012-01-21T13:14:00.000-05:00

Ok. Today was my first WW weigh-in.

220 pounds

That means I lost .2 pounds.

.2 pounds.

(point) 2 fucking pounds.

J lost 2.8 pounds.

Do I need to say how angry I am?

I lived that fucking plan all week long. To the T... well, until Friday night, which is a mistake. But still. I lived the plan. I did everything. and I worked out. and I lost .2 pounds.

So note to self: don't eat at all (like nothing) and spend 2-3 hours at the gym doing hardcore cardio. Then you might loose 2 or 3 pounds. This is bullshit.

No I am not giving up. But I need to figure out a way to not obsess over everything and just eat healthy and get really good workouts in. Why does it feel so hard this time.

fml

blah.

If I don't lose 5 pounds by next Saturday's weigh-in I'm going to start puking after my meals and spending the night at the gym.

Joking.

But seriously, I must get my shit together asap. I refuse to be fat and 30.

xoxo,

I'm obese

2012-01-12T17:50:00.000-05:00

Yes, that is is right. I am obese.

I'm back on Weight Watchers. I literally just rejoined 5 minutes ago. During the process of signing up online I had to put in my height and weight information and out popped my BMI info.... and taaadaaa.... I'm a fat little piggy, or just plain old obese.

This weight battle is a royal pain in my ass. Weight Watchers has worked in the past, so I am going to give it a try again. The last time I weighed myself I was 217lbs (also know as OBESE....ggrrrr). Can you believe that back in May of 2010 I was at 168lbs?

That is 49 lbs.

I must do it this time and KEEP IT OFF FOREVER.

I have to.

I will be 30 in 152 days. Simple enough right?

My first Weight Watchers meeting is this Saturday, so lets round it up....my goal is to loose 50 pounds in 150 days.

50 pounds in 150 days.

If you've got any words of advice.... I'll take it. Pray for me guys. I will try to be better about keeping you guys posted along the way.

First things first... get my obese ass to a meeting.

xoxo,

Wedding dresses, marathons and getting older...

2011-12-08T17:57:00.000-05:00

Hello again!!

Sooooo.... remember that wedding dress I was dying to try on? It looked horrible. I never considered myself very tall....but the the dress hit my ankles. Ridiculousness.

I've tried on a few more since then, but no "OMG I NEED THIS DRESS" moments quite yet. I'll get more serious as we get closer, but first things first, we have to make it official and get engaged. Now just to get the money to buy it....

Ugh.

That is a whole other story. Money. J isn't working, she is however getting unemployment and still has a nice chunk of change in savings. But I'm a little scared. What if when the money runs out she still isn't working? We'll be a 1 income household and that means money will be tight... which also means spending 2 grand on a ring is out of the question... at least until there is some stability. I have faith in her and her skills and her motivation.... and the universe of course and I know that everything will workout perfectly and we'll have all the money we need plus some.

The next update..... since weight loss is always a struggle for me, J had the idea that I focus on a goal instead of pounds lost. Sooooooo we both signed up for a half marathon. 13.1 miles. Why? Why would you want to run for 13 straight miles?? lol! Why not!? I've ran for years, but never long distances. I ran 5 miles for the first time ever this past week... it feels amazing, so I'm going to keep running. The weight will come off.

And what a perfect time to do this..... 30 is coming up hard and fast and I'm going to be in the best shape of my life. Promise.

xoxo,

Looks like I'm a once a monther...

2011-11-03T18:22:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to say hi... and I missed you guys, it's been almost a month again. I haven't forgotten you... just caught up in other things.

J and I have been living together for almost 2 months and things are going great... I couldn't be happier.

G will be here in about a month and a half and I can't wait to see her! It's been a whole year almost.

I think I'm going to drag her wedding dress shopping during her visit. :-)

Yep, wedding dress shopping.

Here's what I am envisioning...

*sigh* soooo pretty!

On a completely different note, I'm a little bit torn because my good friend M.... remember her? Part of the 'Angel's'... well she has fallen off the face of the planet. She's never been good at keeping in touch, but there was a point in time when she would at least respond to an email. Now.... nothing. At first I was concerned... maybe something is going one. They just got married, maybe that are trying for kids, or maybe there is stress at work... I dunno. But regardless, she hasn't responded to one email. Her wife responds, but she doesn't. Did I do something? I just thought we were closer than that. What do you do in this situation?? I'm sure I'll see her when G is in town over the holidays, but do I even say anything?? Let me know your thoughts.

See you in about a month... hopefully I can make it sooner. :-)

xoxo,

Bff forever and ever...

2011-10-07T16:49:00.000-04:00

I had to share this... a FB note from G...made me smile today.

"remember when you threw a chair at me because I wanted to fight and you wanted to walk away? Or when we got in an argument over adding a champagne bottle sticker to a baby book? Or when you bought me a pack of huge granny panties after my surgery? Or when my devil cat chewed a whole in your sweater? Or when you allowed me to be a "tomboy" for a few months as you did my girlfriends eye makeup? Or when we had a dance party in pumps and fishnets for my birthday because it was a snow storm? Or when you fell off the toilet in the pool bathroom at your 25th- wait you wouldn't remember that! or when I tried to get E to sleep with us? (hold up , was that you?) :) I miss youuuuuu. I can't wait to see you."

She'll be here in 2 months... can't wait to see here. Nothing like a best friend.

xoxo,

Running in circles…

2011-09-08T18:33:00.000-04:00

I’m back on the weight loss wagon.

Back with the trainer that I was working out with before.

I lost 14 pounds in my first week. Yes. You read that right, 14 pounds in 1 week.

Today (week 2), I ate… cheetos, bbq chips, 1 mini cheesecake bite, mushroom and eggplant lasagna and chocolate… oh and bbq chicken and potato salad and a bite of peach cobbler.

Probably not going to loose much weight this week… I’m blaming it on PMDD.

That’s all I wanted to say. Please don’t judge me.

xoxo,

Success!!

2011-08-23T16:56:00.001-04:00

Remember the big moving drama I had mentioned at the beginning of the month? Well, all has worked it’s self out… we aren’t homeless, We signed a lease last Friday!

We went back and forth a few times and put a deposit down on a one bedroom apartment in-town at a trendy apartment complex. It was $1,000 per month so we figured we could suck it up to save the money for the wedding.

Wrong.

When we looked at the model it was a two bedroom with the same layout, just minus the second bedroom. Well when we went to look at the actual one bedroom, we looked at each other and said, No. It was cute, but it was just too damn small for all our shit, even with the 10x13 storage unit.

We were so exhausted of searching we started backtracking and called the owners of a 3 bed/2 bath condo that we had seen previously and had dubbed “Heartbreak Hotel” (because the complex looked like a set for an old 70’s porn movie). We didn’t think anyone would want ‘Heartbreak’ cause it was so old and tacky on the outside.

Wrong again.

It was gone. But maybe that was good, we don’t want to live somewhere named “heartbreak” anyways… what kind of fucked up premonition is that anyways?

Next phone call went to a really cool and trendy 2 bedroom/2 bathroom townhouse that we had also seen before and had went as far as being approved to lease it, but then got cold feet and backed out. The landlord played hard-to-get a little and told us that he had another couple that was interested, and he would let us know if they decided not to take it. Turns out the other couple got cold feet as well, so the townhouse was ours!!

Success!!

Finally. Lawd have Mercy.

Granted we had to give the man all of our money ($1200) for the deposit and loose the $175 that we put down on the one bedroom, but I know we made the right decision. The new place is going to be so awesome!

I don’t know what we were thinking anyways, the townhouse is only $200 more a month and it is 1480 sqft versus the 855 sqft at the one bedroom. It’s definitely worth it. Definitely.

Anywho,

We’re moving-in in about 3 weeks, so I will post a few pictures soon.

I’m super excited for J and I to finally and officially merge our lives together. <3

Talk to you all soon! Toodles! :-)

xoxo,

Bad Blogger

2011-08-06T16:29:00.000-04:00

*sigh* How I missed you.

I’m a very bad bloggeres… it’s been over a month since my last post. Trust me, it’s not because I haven’t had things to say. I guess I’ve just been über busy.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I started another blog, a food blog, and as much as I want to share it here, I can’t because I kinda like the whole anonymous thing. However I will say, that I am the proud owner of my very first (dot)com… which I am super excited about. It still needs some work, but I’m really enjoying it and I see lots of opportunities coming from it.

So that’s that.

In other news...

I’m still fat. In fact, fatter than before, 219lbs to be exact. I don’t know what happened. Well, I do know what happened, I stopped paying attention to my diet and stopped working out. I rejoined LAfitness, but haven’t gotten a steady habit going yet. I’m working on it. I should probably start my weigh-ins ever Friday again, but I’m not going to make any promises yet.

Now, let’s talk about money. I’ve updated my financials in the column to the right. Money wise, things aren’t too bad. I’ve got a few big expenses coming up, but I’ve been saving, so that should be too big of a deal. I did run Credit Card #1 up a little again, but it’s not too bad and I will have that paid off (again) before the end of the year. What I am really looking forward too is J and I moving in together… that is going to free up sooooo much money, we’ll finally be able to really start saving for the wedding.

More on my love life… it’s great! As I mentioned, J and I are moving in together next month. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. Nervous because this the first time I will really, truly be living with my partner and as much as I love her, she is messy and drops her shit in piles all over the place. I’m not the tidiest person in the world either, so I know we will make it work, I just want us both to feel comfortable in OUR space. I’m so excited too though, just to be able to share a space and it be ours to build together and not have to worry about where this or that is and if it’s at my apartment or hers (hate that!). Not to mention we will be cutting major costs. Between our 2 apartments we spend about $2100 on rent and utilities, which is ridiculous. Our budget for our new place is about $1200/month for rent $200month for utilities… that is freaking $700 saved a month. Unreal.

Anywho, the new home search it’s self is a big ol’ pain in the ass. We have to have looked at at least 20 different properties, ok I’m exaggerating, maybe more like 10, but it seems like so much more because we haven’t loved anything. Not to mention all the shit we have to shift through on the internet before we find something even worth looking at. We’ve got one place in mind, we’ve dubbed it the ‘heartbreak hotel’ because the community looks like an old porn set from the 70’s…. yep, you heard me. The inside of the condo is gorgeous, but the community… not so much. I’ll have to dedicate a whole post to the home search.

That is it for now. I promise it won’t be another month before I write again…. Talk to you guys soon. Have a great weekened!!

xoxo,

Congrats New York...

2011-06-26T21:01:00.002-04:00

It's about fucking time.

I still can't for the life of me understand the big fucking deal.

We separated church and state in this country for a reason... and here you are pushing your religious beliefs on me. Just because I am gay doesn't mean that I shouldn't be able to get married-- you may think it's wrong, but quite honestly I don't give a fuck what you think. And for the record, who the hell are you to say my love isn't as real as yours? Really? Just think about it people, it's asinine and ignorant. Grow up.

Hopefully the rest of the USA will chime in soon.

xoxo,

Such a Pretty Face…

2011-06-26T20:43:00.000-04:00

Yes… this is another Fat blog.

You know, one of those blogs where the writer complains about her weight and other people’s reaction to her ‘thickness’.

I am so sick of people saying I have such a “pretty face”. Do you not understand that I take that as an insult? It’s like saying, your face is pretty, but DAMN the rest of you is fucked up!

Ok, so maybe that is just me projecting, but really people, you can’t possibly think that that is a compliment. Really, I wish people would just stop. Just don’t say anything if that is all you have to say. How about, you look nice today, or, you look beautiful…. Or gosh, you are one stunning lady. Not… hmm, you have such a beautiful face.. then look at the rest of me like, “such a shame.”

Again, I may very well be projecting, but it pissed me off today. As I was lounging at the pool talking about how I wanted to be as small as I was last year… the young lady decided to tell me that I had a beautiful face, great boobs and my arms weren’t fat at all… and oh, and you’re light skinned.

Huh?!

Insert angry “light-skinned” lady here.

I feel angry and sad… and pissed. I know I am a beautiful person, but I’m not happy in my skin right now. As much as I want to lose weight, I’m not trying. And as much as I hate my body, I’m still eating and not working out nearly as much as I need to.

I’m frustrated and angry. Mostly at myself.

Hopefully I’ll come to and get it together soon . I don’t know how much longer I can allow my ass to expand.

Sorry for the angry post… but this is my life.

Maybe it’ll change soon.

xoxo,

Another year older, another year wiser?

2011-06-15T17:03:00.000-04:00

Happy 29th birthday to me!

I’m going to have to change my name soon, “Getting Close to 30” will need to be “Getting really, really close to 30”... lol

It wound up being an amazing birthday… but it started out a little rocky.

J and I were the first ones at my roof top party and we sat and sat waiting for people to show up for a good hour before anyone got there. I felt like Carrie in the season 4 opener, “The Agony and the ‘Ex’-tasy” where Carrie is sits at the restaurant alone on her 35th birthday waiting for her friends that never show up.

“The longer I sat a that table the more alone I felt and it really hit me, I’m 35 and alone”

It was depressing and made me feel like I don’t have any friends. Which is ridiculous and of course it is different because I was with my soulmate, so I wasn’t alone… but it still hurt that no one was there. I was really, really upset… like tears upset. Part of me was angry at J… I guess I wanted to blame her for not making sure people were there ahead of time, but the reality is it’s not her fault people were 2-3 hours late. Part of me wonders if I made the mistake of alienating myself in this relationship. Have I shunned my friends? Is that why they weren’t there? Am I a bad friend?

So maybe I’ll try to reach out a little more because I don’t wanna be that girl….you know the girl that is only friends with her partner and her friends. I honestly don't think I am that girl now... but just to be certain, it may be time to schedule a girls night.

Someone said to me (when I was furiously texting on the roof top complaining) that I should be happy because I have what most people want… a diamond ring and a woman that loves me. :-) Very True.

Anyways… the birthday celebration did get better, I got some very, very delicious cupcakes and J got me tickets to see Rihanna for her LOUD tour…. Yaaaaay!! :-)

The days following I sizzled in the sun with friends, drank entirely too much liquor and spent 13 hours glued in front of the television. Yes, I said 13 hours. In the end everything turned out great.

So another birthday has come and gone and I am excited about where 29 will take me.

xoxo,

A few things…

2011-06-10T16:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, so after that heavy, dark, depressing post I left a few weeks ago about being a food addict I feel like I need to do something to lighten the mood a little in this wonderful place that I come to dump my feelings, so here’s a little something that made me smile….

Note from J reads: Thanks for always creating a wonderful healthy home for us. You light up my life. <3 Me

I know you guys get tired of me gushing about J…. but she really lights up my life. :-)

In other news…

I finally started my food blog, but I’m using my real name there sooooooo, I won’t be posting any of that here. I really enjoying being anonymous and I’d like to keep it that way… it allows me to be free! So between the new blog and job searching… I feel like I never have enough time to do anything! Job searching is so freaking time consuming!

Oh and a very cute blog that I just started following OH HAPPY DAY is giving away a trip to PARIS for 2! Airfare and Hotel included. Get your name in ASAP! Click this link to find out how to enter... http://ohhappyday.com/2011/06/goes-to-paris

Going to keep it short and sweet today, hope you all have an amazing weekend! I'll be back soon!

xoxo,

I’m an addict.

2011-05-26T16:21:00.000-04:00

(I can’t remember the last time I have posted twice in one day, but this is important, so I must share.)

I’ve tossed that word around over the years, but it wasn’t until just now when I read this post from Elle at a Prior Fat Girl that I realized that it could actually be true.

I had to google it just to be certain, but sure enough this pops up on wikipedia:

Compulsive overeating, also sometimes called food addiction, is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship to food. Professionals address this with either a behavior-modification model or a food-addiction model.[1] An individual suffering from compulsive overeating disorder engages in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression. Unlike individuals with bulimia, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their binging with purging behaviors such as fasting, laxative use or vomiting. Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry. Their obsession is demonstrated in that they spend excessive amounts of time and thought devoted to food, and secretly plan or fantasize about eating alone. Compulsive overeating usually leads to weight gain and obesity, but not everyone who is obese is also a compulsive overeater. While compulsive overeaters tend to be overweight or obese, persons of normal or average weight can also be affected.

“Addiction can also be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it.”

I may not be morbidly obese like the woman in Elle’s story, and I may not be as extreme as the wikipedia definition, but I absolutely have the same problem.

I lie about food.
I hide and sneak food.
I binge on food, even when I’m not hungry per se, it’s more so just trying to feed the deprivation that I create in my mind after a period of ‘being good’.

I literally have tears rolling down my cheeks.

J is going to kill me, she doesn’t know about this. But I have to write it.

Just last week I ate McDonald's. In my car. In the parking lot at work. And I didn’t tell anyone about it. No one. Sat in my car and ate alone. Ten piece nuggets, cheeseburger, medium fries and a coke. I ate every last bite and then disposed of the evidence in the dumpster after double checking my car to make sure a lone fry or any other remnants wasn’t left in my car for J to see.

I am ashamed and don’t want her to know that despite all my efforts food still won.

And it’s not the first time.

Although, it’s definitely been a quite while. I was doing well when I was working out with my trainer, but the moment I stopped and life started happening again, all those old feelings came bubbling back up like the acid reflux I have been experiencing, the idea that- I’m not allowed to eat anything – and I’m never going to reach my goal weight.

Is it just about sabotaging myself because I don’t think I can do it? Or because I don’t trust myself?

Or maybe I feel out of control, so I control what I want to eat when I want to eat it regardless of its effect on my body and emotional state?

I understand that this is ridiculous because the reason I don’t eat that crap is because it’s not good for me and I want to be healthy, not because I can’t have it. But really, practically on some real-life shit, I still crave things that aren’t good for me.

There are definitely times when I am doing ‘good’ and I’m craving healthy foods and strenuous workouts, but there are those other times when I want to binge on all the things I can’t have, and when I eventually do give in, I feel guilty and hopeless.

I don’t know how to fix it.

I want to be healthy.

I don’t want to EVER ~~have to~~ hide food.

I am ashamed and disappointed… and a little sad.

So at the end of all this, the crying and the feeling ashamed, it does make me want to be better and fight harder and be my own motivation, but what scares me is what happens when that runs out and I’m back to the core of a binge eater. How do I change that part of me? How do I really truly make a lifestyle change? Is it realistic to never, ever eat pasta again, or bread…. Or a cupcake. Is that just it? I’m not responsible enough to have it?

Maybe I need to go back to something like weight watchers and relearn that it’s ok to eat the things I want, but only in moderation?

I’m a smart girl and I understand that you have to eat less and work out more to loose weight…but somewhere there is a disconnect.

Something has got to give.

Just to clarify, I didn’t intend for this to be a ‘woe-is-me’ post. Reading Elle’s story really shook me and made me what to acknowledge that I’m no different than that lady buying two dozen deviled eggs for a "party". As much as I want to separate myself, I can’t. It also made me realize that I DO NOT WAN TO BE THAT GIRL.

So I won’t.

I will let go of the guilt that surrounds food. I will workout hard but I will not deprive myself. I will learn moderation even if it means starting over again with a tool like Weight Watchers. I trust myself and I don’t need french fries to make me feel like I can ‘have things’… because at the end of the day I get to have a healthy mind and body.

Thanks for listening.

Side note for Mom:
I’m ok Mom, I promise... thanks to you I am a strong woman and even though this is hard and it sucks ~~big fat asscakes~~, it’ll all work out to be perfectly fine. HDGDL

Side note for J:
I confessed my sin; please don’t give me the eyes of disappointment when I get home. Love you.

xoxo,

It's not Friday yet...

2011-05-26T13:06:00.000-04:00

I have soooo many things I want to talk about.

First that I really, really miss G who is out in the middle of no where serving in the Peace Corps, and How J and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary in Miami during a big lezzie pride weekend 2 weeks ago, and the wonderful weekend we had in NYC as I accompanied J to a career changing and inspiring workshop this past weekend.

(breathe)

But, the number one thing is how I am beginning to absolutely despise my job.

Ok, not really my job, more so just my dick-head boss.

Ok, maybe my job too.

Any who...I'd love to elaborate on all these things, but I am literally looking for jobs as I type this and also working on another little project for my side business.

Sooooo I'll get into that more later.

On another note...

Here's a little something that kinda made my day this morning....

It's not a huge drop in fact it is tini-tiny considering the last time I weighed myself... but with the rate that things have been going, I'm happy with this number.

No, I don't want to talk about the drinks in Miami, or the Chinese food, pizza, hot dogs and more in New York, or the fact that I have only workedout twice in the last 2 weeks.

Why is it so hard this time?!

I think it may be time to join LA Fitness again. I keep going back and forth with this. I have a gym in my apartment community, but it's nothing special (2 treadmills, an elliptical and weights) and it takes a shit-ton of motivation to get me there because it's sooooo boring. If I have my gym clothes in the car and I'm paying LA Fitness 30 bucks a month, I should have a tad bit more motivation, no? Or is this just another cop-out excuse to blow some money?

Don't know, but I shall keep you posted on what I decided.

Have a wonderful day.... I'll be back very soon :-)

xoxo,

She “Put a Ring on It” :-)

2011-05-24T16:15:00.000-04:00

Annnnnnnnnnddddddddddd.... a month later I’m back! And with the big news that I was supposed to share ‘tomorrow’… oops, sorry! :-/ Family was in town, work, out of town, work... one thing after another and no time to blog, and then when I had time the blogger was down... wtf...

So anyways… here’s the big news….

My girlfriend "liked it" soooooo.... she “Put a Ring on It” !! :-) *doing the single ladies dance*

I should say that it is not an engagement ring…. It is a commitment ring, but I’m wearing it on my left hand. Everyday.

Fucking lesbians.

Lol

Of course there’s the whole background story too…

*warning* gushy, mushy, cheesy love story ahead :-)

She emailed my sister on facebook and got my Mom’s info to email her a picture of the ring. (How cute right!? <3) She said she wanted to include them in the whole commitment ring thing since they were going to be in town and because chances are they won’t be here when we actually get engaged. She told them that she loved me and she knew she wanted to spend her life with me and that she wanted to give me the ring as a promise to me, and to us and to them. So everybody knew about the ring except for me! <3

After dinner with my family for my sister’s birthday celebration, she asked if I wanted to sit outside and chat with her for a little bit before I went in, we chatted a little bit and she said had something for me at her house and she wanted to run and get it really quick. I rode with her since she only lives like 3 minutes away.

**A little side note, things were a little tense because we hadn't been spending much time together. She felt a little neglected and I felt overwhelmed. With my family in town, we didn’t have as much time to just talk and be... of course it was perfectly fine and understandable because it's my family from thousands of miles away whom I love millions and billions and hardly ever see, so she understood, but it was still an adjustment to go from always being available to each other to working time in between site seeing and traveling with the fam.**

So with that said... I was already a little on edge and emotional.... then when we got to her house she gave me the cute little gift bag and card. First I read the card, and immediately busted out into tears. It was so sweet and loving and exactly what I needed. Then the gift bag... I was wondering what it was, but I assumed it was some of my favorite colorful jewelry from Target or some other little memento of her love… but it was oddly heavy. Then I saw the JARED BOX and cried a little more, ok a whole lot more. It’s such a beautiful ring…. I love love looooooooove it.

I know it shows silly because I know she loves me, but there was a sense of relief that came over me…. Like she really wants me, like for real, like really, it’s not just talking. I know a lot of people don’t understand the whole commitment ring thing, but it is absolutely the sweetest thing anyone has ever done. I know it is just a piece of jewelry, but it means so much more than that, just the gesture and the meaning behind it. I’m so in love with her and I’m really REALLY grateful to have found someone who loves as hard as I do, and who thinks about the details and wants the same things and is not afraid of being vulnerable.

Oh did I mention that I gave her a ring too?? :-) It was a few weeks after I got mine; I really wanted her to have one too... so my sister and I shopped around for a while and I finally settled on one from Jared too.

Here’s both the rings…

J's on the left.... mine on the right <3

I’m so in love and I’m soooo happy to be in a relationship with someone that puts as much effort into this as I do.

She never ceases to amaze me. <3

xoxo,

Friday weigh-in…

2011-04-22T15:46:00.000-04:00

Let me preface this by saying I started working out with a trainer last Thursday and he has been KICKING MY ASS.

1 hour workouts Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.

And he also has me on a limited 2 week meal plan: fruits, veggies, lean meats (only grilled, baked or seared), baked potatoes (white or sweet) and a gallon of water a day. So no carbs, no chocolate, no alcohol, nothing…. Fun.

So when I began my training he weighed me in at 219.6. (Which I fought tooth and nail, his scale is definitely fucked up! I weighed myself that morning and I weighed 212… so that is what I’m going with.)

Anyways…. Long story short, I lost 6 pounds according to his scale over the week- 213.6 , but according to my scale….

211.8

Funny, because that is what I weighed last Friday (on my scale).

WTF is going on here? Am I losing or not?

How can I loose 6 pounds on his scale and nada on mine?

I feel healthier and my pants are fitting better, so I know I have at least lost inches, but what the fuck is up with this scale garbage??

Anywho… I’m not sweatin’ it because I’m kicking ass and taking names. J

Have a wonderful weekend!

xoxo,

P.S. I have some exciting news! I’ll post details tomorrow!

Friday Weigh-in...

2011-04-08T15:16:00.000-04:00

Annnnnd I'm back!

Cancun was awesome!! Soooooo beautiful. It was a much needed break, but I am already exhausted again and in need of another vacay. Which is perfect because Mom and Sis are here and I'm on vacation for the next week! Very excited to not have to go to that stupid place.

Anyways.... I skipped last week because I was out of town, but i did get a new scale and I did weigh myself this morning.

Drum roll please.....

That would be 211.8.

2.8 lost

What? So the formula is do nothing and you loose weight??

Go figure?! I'll take it though!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

xoxo,

I lied.

2011-03-26T12:36:00.000-04:00

I didn’t buy a scale. I didn’t do a great job working out this week. And I ate cookies and at work.

I also said weigh-ins would resume yesterday and I didn’t post my weight. I weighed myself; I just didn’t want to post it.

So here it is…

Yes, it says 214.6.

Sooo… the number on the (old, dumb, broken) scale isn’t a huge surprise.

One good thing, I seemed to have figured out a few styles that work for my ever expanding hair. *embrace the bigness*

Another note… J has found a trainer for me. I need someone to kick my ass… because clearly I’m not motivated enough to do it myself. Hopefully he won’t be a million dollars and I can start that soon.

Something has got to give.

Outside of my weight rollercoaster and my frizzy fro… I’m super über excited because my sister will be her on Tuesday!! YAAAY!! We’ll go to Mexico next week (don’t stare at the beached whale please- ok seriously, I’ll be a hot beached whale cause I got this super cute vintage bathing suit) and then my Mommy will be here 3 days after we get back.

Can’t wait to have some relax time. *sigh* Is it Thursday yet??

You wonderful people have a wonderful weekend!

xoxo,

Woe is me…

2011-03-19T16:53:00.000-04:00

In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t weigh myself yesterday.

2 reasons for that… I was afraid I gained and my scale is going bonkers.

But mostly I just didn’t want to know.

I had a horrible week working out… not so bad on the food because I haven’t had much of an appetite at all… but still, I know my body and I need a good workout.

So blah, blah, blah… woe is me… blah, blah blah….

I don’t feel good on the inside… I’m struggling MAJORLY with my hair. I don’t think that I have mentioned but I am in the process of going natural… it’s been over a year and the only time I am actually happy with my hair is when I get it straightened. *sigh*

I know it’s dumb… but between the nappy hair and the big ass I still haven’t been able to get a handle on my motivation.

I took the time to watch some you tube videos about transition to natural hair… so I have a couple ideas on things to try… maybe if I feel better about the way that I look I’ll be more motivated to treat my body better.

Anywho… enough of the sob story… I’m going to Wal-Mart to buy a new scale, so I will resume weigh-ins this coming Friday.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

xoxo,

Friday Weigh-in...

2011-03-11T14:04:00.000-05:00

Drum roll please...

1.4lbs lost!

The week I actually think I'm gonna gain and I have the biggest loss yet this go round.

I almost didn't weight myself this morning because it's been an up and down week... I've been working out, but also not making the best food choices.

Go figure.

I can't figure out how my body works. It's bizarre.

Just a note... I got my hair 'did' last night... therefore I won't be working out again until Tuesday. Means I can't eat anything. Nothing at all. Haha... ok, not really, but I have to be mindful about what I put in my mouth.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

xoxo,

Friday Weigh-in…

2011-03-04T16:54:00.000-05:00

Incredibly shitty week. All around. Pmsing. Bloated. Binged on cookies.

Blah.

I’ve been struggling. The food is the hardest part. There are days I just want to eat and it’s hard to keep the goal in site. It pisses me off that I can’t eat certain things… but then I think is it that serious?? Sometimes it feels like it is. Hopefully, I’ll get out of my funk soon.

On a happier note… I have been working out in the mornings… I did 5 days this week. I’ve only been getting in 45 mins to an hour, but I’ve been trying to push myself during my workouts and I’ve been doing a lot more strength training… hoping that it will boost my metabolism.

Anyways… on to the weigh-in…

0.4 lbs down

At least it wasn’t a gain.

Blah.

xoxo,

Friday weigh in... (or fml... or I'm grateful for my beautiful, healthy, functioning body :-/)

2011-02-25T09:26:00.000-05:00

You know...

Aunt flo is on the way... but I also ate oreos this week (another post to come on that)

*sign*

0.6 lbs lost

~~FML!!~~ I'm grateful for my beautiful, healthy, functioning body!

Have a wonderful weekend!

xoxo,

Friday Weigh-in…

2011-02-18T12:18:00.000-05:00

1.6 lbs lost

It’s a start.

I’m more proud of working out 4 times this week and eating much MUCH healthier than I had been eating before.

Baby Steps.

Have a wonderful weekend!

xoxo,

L.O.V.E. (warning: uber gay, cheese-fest V-day post)

2011-02-12T17:16:00.000-05:00

As Valentine’s Day approaches I’m compelled to write about love…

We all want the same thing in life… to find love, to be loved and to give love.

Each time we enter a relationship we hope that this will be the ‘one’. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that it might not be it and then sometimes we know right away; but like they say… when you know… you know.

And I know.

Girlfriend is not perfect… and she is different from me in many ways. I’m an organized nerd that is addicted to stability and she is a free spirit that hates to pay bills and goes to whatever lengths necessary to follow her dreams. She does some things that drive me nuts… she has habits that are not ideal… and I know that I have my ‘perks’ too, but as crazy as it sounds I know that she is perfect for me.

This is the most loving relationship I have ever been in. We appreciate and respect each other and we take time to show it. She puts me first and she always thinks as a ‘two’. She is my best friend and the most amazing partner I’ve ever had. It’s the little things too, like how she looks at me with so much love in her eyes, how she always reaches for my hand when we are out and about or riding in the car, scrabble at 2am, Monday funday, conversations that last hours… She’s thoughtful, and caring… she’s affectionate, she appreciates me and she carries her own weight in our relationship. I can lean on her and know that she won’t fall under the pressure. And all of that makes me want to do the same for her.

And beyond all of that, it doesn’t feel hard.

As cheesy as it is… I’ve never been so in love in my life. <3

With all that I have been through, you would think that I would be jaded and incapable of trusting someone, but it’s just the opposite. After everything, what I have learned about myself is that I will always be ok. My heart can be broken and I can cry and be sad and depressed but after all of that I know that I still have me. And it’s that that allows me to give myself to J and be soooo vulnerable and not be jaded. I don’t have anything to lose. Nothing is guaranteed, I get that. I can only promise to do my best and give everything and she can only do the same. If we were ever to spilt ways, I would be crushed. Devastated. but I really think that you have to be in that space, you have to be vulnerable, you have to be able to be hurt in order to really give and receive love, because otherwise you are guarded and you can’t be guarded with one foot by the door and still expect to receive everything that you want in a relationship—you get what you give. So I give everything I can.

So on this Valentine’s Day I’m so grateful to have J… who ‘matches’ me in effort, mind, body and spirit to create the amazing love that we share.

Happy Valentine’s Day <3

xoxo,

Friday weigh-in...

2011-02-11T11:46:00.000-05:00

This morning talking to J on the phone... "I'm only 20 pounds away from being on the Biggest Loser"

This is bullshit. I gotta do better.

xoxo,

Meltdown…

2011-02-04T11:27:00.000-05:00

Forever 21 was the culprit.

About a week or so ago J and I went to the mall to look for a birthday dress for her… it was normal enough, shuffling through clothes, wondering what very petite midget wears the mis-sized clothing floating on the racks, when I spot what seemed to be a very large (even by forever 21 standards) misplaced, beige, 3x, strapless dress.

I jump for a joy on the inside because I was under the impression that their plus size line had been pulled from most of the stores in my state. I proceed to walk around the store to find MY section… it’s a pretty big store, so when I spot someone with the yellow lanyard hanging around his neck I stop and ask…

“excuse me, do you still have a plus size section here?”

The underage twerp rolls his eyes, chuckles and says … “Um, no.” As though I have asked the most ridiculous question in the world.

I immediately shrink to about 2 inches and typical me my eyes swell with tears. I swallow back the tears and keep it moving because, number one I don’t want J to notice (which of course she does) and number 2, I feel like I don’t get to be sad and my feeling don’t get to be hurt, I got to this size on my own, it’s not Forever 21’s fault… or the douche bag that just saw me as another chubby girl in a skinny girls store.

J and I are so connected that she notices that something is wrong and when she asks it all spills over… I hate feeling bad about the way I look. I hate that I can’t buy clothes in regular stores. I hate that I let myself get this big again. The part that sucks the most is that tears are running down my face and I want to go eat something…I don’t wanna work out or try to change, I just want to crawl in a hole and eat.

Why is it so hard? Especially when I know I can do it because I’ve done it before. It’s just so frustrating because I did this to myself… again.

I’m at my highest weight ever and I can’t seem to find the motivation I need to get the weight off for good.

I need to loose 55 pounds…. That’s so intimidating.

It’s depressing.

But such is life…. Time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and do my best. I have to start now. I don’t want to be the girl that has a meltdown because there isn’t a plus size section in the trendy store.

First thing, I am going start my weekly weigh-in back up. Friday mornings, starting next Friday, I’ll weigh myself and I’ll post it right here. I gotta have some accountability, I can’t keep hiding and pretending like it’s not happening.

Second thing, I am going to commit to working out 4 times a week 4 hours total. Doesn’t matter when or how, but I have to get it in.

That’s it for now… in the meantime, if anyone sees my motivation wandering around can you please send it back to me??

xoxo,

I’m not an Army brat anymore…

2011-02-03T16:56:00.001-05:00

One thing I remember vividly from my childhood is saying goodbye to friends. It was just one of the ‘perks’ of being an Army kid. Every 2 to 3 years, my best friend was pcsing and saying goodbye. I can remember back to my 1st best friend… Jenn, I think I was 6 or 7 and I remember crying so hard when she left. You would think I’d get used to it and toughen up, but it never got any easier.

Fast forward to age 28… I’ve been living in the states for 12 years and I haven’t really had to say goodbye to a best friend since then. Well, until last week.

G left for the Peace Corps 6 days ago. I can’t even begin to explain the clusterfuck of emotions… I’m sooooooo very proud of her, I miss her, I’m nervous and anxious with her, I’m excited for her… but mostly I just miss having my bff near by. She is an amazing woman and most people don’t have the balls to do what she is doing, so I’m grateful that she gets to have this experience… she will be forever changed for it.

We did get to spend her last night here together… although we spent 99% of the time packing, cleaning, panicking, packing, packing and packing. Lol…. And I got to take her to the airport… although that may have been a mistake especially since I only got 45 minutes of sleep and she got none. Sleepiness seems to heighten emotions; because we were both a mess, tears, hugs and more tears… it was so hard to leave her at the airport. I guess I’m kind of a mother hen after all.

I’m not saying goodbye though… it’s just “See you later”… and she will absolutely be seeing me in the Caribbean… I don’t need much of an excuse to go to the beach!

Love you G! :-)

xoxo,

That’s BULLSHIT!

2011-01-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

Remember the huge life changing surprise I had?

Well… it fell through.

They didn’t pick me. :-(

It’s complete bullshit.

Anyways… since it doesn’t matter anymore, I can tell you the big secret.

I auditioned for MasterChef…. A cooking show for amateur chefs that airs on Fox.

G and I drove out to New Orleans. 6 hours in the car… just me my bestie and my nerves… oh and my tasting dish on dry ice. I made Lime grilled shrimp with corn salsa and cilantro aioli… I must say it was pretty damn tasty.

I made it through the tasting round, personality round and the on-camera interview round.

Seriously, I made it really far.

Like to the point of signing confidentiality contracts and giving me dates of taping and stipend amounts if I make it to LA. Of course they were always really careful to mention that I was still in the running and not yet been selected, but still… all of that seemed to justify getting my hopes up.

But when it came down to being on the show, they didn’t pick me.

Woe is me.

The thought of possibly winning $250,000 by just doing what I love…. And the exposure on national television…

Man this is bullshit.

So I’m disappointed. But life goes on.

There is always MasterChef 2012.

xoxo,

Reflection on 2010…

2011-01-03T16:10:00.001-05:00

As another year comes to an end and a new decade begins I am overwhelmed with excitement, love, gratitude and opportunity that this year brings with it.

Looking back on this past year makes me realize how much things can change with time.

January 2010…
I was getting over the breakup of my 5 year relationship… I was heartbroken and trying to find my footing. G and I went to LA for the most amazingly fun weekend ever. I started seeing a therapist, I jumped out of a plane with my best friend and moved out of the house I shared wit my ex and moved into an apartment with the city with G. January was an interesting month, I reunited with my alter-ego ‘Toni’… needles to say, I partied more than a little bit.

February 2010…
The partied continued…. Until I crashed. Literally.

March 2010…
I re-discovered myself, my spirituality and independence, and believe it or not, I did not find it in the bottom of a vodka bottle. I was going to the spiritual living center; I was working out (a lot) and I signed up for match.com.

April 2010…
I found love on match.com . I continued my workout regimen and I did the Master cleanse for the first time and hit my lowest weight ever, 169.4 lbs. Love, happiness, progress and gratitude was seeping out of my pores. :-)

May 2010…
I went on an all girls getaway to South beach and had an AMAZING time with G and some of our other friends. I came home with a girlfriend and proceeded to fall head over heals in love.

June 2010….
I turned 28 and partied like a rock star! I was still on cloud 9 of my new relationship and trying to balance love, life, friends and work…. *hence the lack of blog posts*

July 2010…
I re-evaluated my financial situation and decided to ask for donations on my blog to help me get out of debt, a` la Save-Karyn. I gained ‘honey-moon’ pounds and J and I drove 12 hours to her home town to meet the parents.

August 2010…
Off to Vegas, J and I attended her Cousins wedding together and I TRIED to get back on track in the financial and weight departments. I also had a moment (or 2) about how much I am gonna miss G when she leaves for the Peace Corps…. :-(

September 2010…
I moved into a very awesome, very comfortable, very amazing one bedroom apartment of my very own and I started taking a Science of Mind class with G and began exploring my spirituality more. I was still basking in the honeymoon love with J…. but I finally came up for some air and reached out to some friends.

October 2010…
I got to go home and visit my family. I had some much fun spending quality time them and recharging my batteries. While I was gone, J and I started writing a joint fiction story that we are still working on; who knows… it might be published one day!:-) I also dealt with an internal battle of what my passion is and how to incorporate it in real life…. For the record, I think I’ve answered my questions, but I can’t talk about it quite yet!

November 2010…
I faced the reality that I no longer had the awesome tiny body that I managed to acquire back in May. I gained every pound back plus some…. We’ll just say its winter weight! Something that I didn’t blog about…. G and I took a road trip to New Orleans; we had so much fun together…. A great bonding experience that I’ll never forget.

December 2010…
Was just a few days ago, but I was fed up with my constant weight gain and decided to the Master Cleanse again. I lost 16 pounds, but sill struggled with maintaining a structured workout plan during the holidays. I wrote down a long term financial plan…. And even achieved my first goal! I helped J with a budget and experimented in the kitchen. J and I drove up to her home town again to spend Christmas with her family…of course I missed my family during the holidays, but we had a wonderful time and I was happy to spend it with her.

All in all 2010 was an awesome year…I am so grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life that have always supported me. Things haven’t always been easy, but I realize more and more that God is all there is and I am a strong amazing woman and even when I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel I know that its there.

2011 is going to be another amazing year!

Happy New Year!!

xoxo,

Battling the fat girl living inside of me and Betty Crocker…

2010-12-22T10:32:00.000-05:00

I haven’t been to the gym since last Wednesday.

I haven’t been eating badly, but I haven’t been to the gym in 7 days, and the only reason I went then was because I was out of town for business and I didn’t have anything else to do.

What do I have to do to get rid of the porker inside of me??

Didn't I enjoy working out at one point??

I keep saying all the things I need to do, and I’m ‘gonna’ do… Hell I stopped eating for 11 days cleanse my system and ‘re-boot’(11 days instead of 10 on the master cleanse, apparently J and I can’t count!).

Part of the problem is the holiday madness. Getting ready for our road trip, baking millions of delicious little treats as though my last name is Crocker… shopping, packing and shipping… just one thing after another.

The cookies turned out great by the way… here is the picture I promised:

Chocolate chip cookies, Nutella filled orange linzer cookies, Mexican wedding cookies (aka snowball cookies), butter cookies AND sugar cookies

Needles to say, my kitchen was quite a CF (cluster fuck) for a couple of days… but it was worth it…. I’m pretty sure the girlfriend’s family will enjoy them! Nothing like a homemade gift!
Good news is when we get back from our holiday road trip the cookies will no longer be in the house, there will be no gifts to wrap and I’ll have absolutely no excuse for not working out.

Talk to you guys when I get back…. Have a wonderful ChrisKwazHkah!

xoxo,

Falling asleep at work…

2010-12-21T11:10:00.001-05:00

It’s one of those days.

I don’t know if it’s the weather or what, but I went to bed early- 1030pm and woke up around 715am and I am still dragging. Did I sleep too much??

*sorry, I nodded off in front of my computer* lol… such a dork.

On another note…. The girlfriend and I will be packing up a rental car and driving to her home town (12 hours away!) on Wednesday for Chirstmas. I’m pretty excited about it, because we had so much fun together the last road trip… not really looking forward to the driving though.

Over the weekend I made piles and piles of holiday cookies. My entire kitchen was covered with flour and sprinkles and chocolate… every surface was covered by something. I’ll have to snap a picture when I get home tonight.

Speaking of pictures… I never made the chocolate soufflé or Hollandaise; however I did assault half a dozen eggs trying to make a perfect poached egg… lol. It’s not quite as easy as I thought but I finally got it…. Thanks to some youtube videos and Juila Child.

Oh I can't forget, the girlfriend also made me breakfast in bed on Sunday. So very sweet! Pancakes, eggs, turkey bacon and fruit. She loves me :-)

Keeping it short and sweet today…. You all have a wonderful day!

Oh wait….Did you guys notice I’ve been blogging more?? :-) 6 posts so far this month, compared to 1 last month. (whomp whomp)

Ciao!

xoxo,

I have a secret!

2010-12-17T13:05:00.000-05:00

I have something sooooooo huge coming up and I want to talk about it soooo bad.

But I can’t.

I can’t say a word.

Don’t you hate when people do that. Say that have something über important to discuss, but can’t say??

I do. It’s the worst.

So sorry about that.

Seriously, you have no idea how bad I want to spill. Lol

Anyways…

Last night I made a traditional cheese soufflé for the first time… I think I over cooked it just a tad, but the taste was still delicious.

cheese soufflé

I also made a Roasted Garlic and Pepper Sabayon with Asparagus and Seared Scallops. OMG.Yum! First of all I looooove asparagus, but the Sabayon was heaven on a plate. The Sabayon is traditionally a dessert sauce, but the ingredients can be changed to just about any combination to make it savory.

Roasted Garlic and Pepper Sabayon with Asparagus and Seared Scallops

I have Mastering the Art of French Cooking out on my coffee table just waiting for me to get home- I’m poaching eggs, making hollandaise and making chocolate soufflé tonight. Super excited! I’ll post pictures tomorrow!

SN: I am making all this stuff for the purpose of being a better cook- not to be a fat ass and eat it all, lol. I’ll be having a salad and just tasting/sharing my creations. And of course I will squeeze in some gym time too!

Have a wonderful day!

xoxo,

Food!!

2010-12-15T20:17:00.000-05:00

So my final weight after the cleanse…. 197.2 lbs.

About 16 pounds lost in 10 days.

Not too shabby!

Here’s what I ate after a day of freash squeezed OJ and clear chicken broth…

It was delsious! Mixed greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, red onions, broccoli, dill and a homemade vinaigrette…. Yum!

I’m keeping it short today. Gotta get to the gym!

Have a wonderful night!

xoxo,

Master Cleanse 2, DAY 10!! Plus budgeting and being happy…

2010-12-11T13:00:00.001-05:00

Its day 10, its day 10!!

Yaaaaay!!!

I had a dream last night that I cheated on day nine at some kind of appetizer buffet. Stuffed mushrooms, shrimp, crudités... Lol… guess it’s about time to eat again.

So, I just have to make through today (and tonight)… I’m going to a holiday gathering this evening with G, and there will be food and alcohol… and I’ll get to have lemonade and herbal tea… yummy. Ugh.

But tomorrow morning when I wake up…. ORANGE JUICE! Yum! Delicious fresh squeezed Orange Juice… I can taste it already, it’s gonna be the best juice of my life. Monday I’m gonna go ahead and go straight into raw fruits and veggies… which means SALAD! God, I can’t explain in words how excited I am about salad. *excited*

I plan on weighing myself tomorrow morning, so I will be posting that soon.

On another note… I finally got J to do a budget. Yay! We worked on it together and tailored it to fit her exactly… it’s working really well. She has this whole new found happiness about her… between the cleanse and all the things we worked on during these 10 days, it really has transformed us both. I swear having a budget relieves so much pressure and stress! I mean… yes, it’s difficult to stick to sometimes, but seeing that your money CAN actually work for you is a awesome feeling.

Needless to say seeing her happy and being happy myself really makes me feel good… on the inside and out. *smiling*

You guys have a wonderful weekend! I’ll be back soon with my skinny-mini new weight! (ok, maybe no skinny-mini, but definitely on the way!)

xoxo,

Master Cleanse 2, day 7…

2010-12-08T12:37:00.001-05:00

Wooooo Hoooooo!! Only three more days left. Thank you GOD!

I have good news. I weighed myself yesterday…… 199.8lbs

Down 12.2 pounds! And out of the dreaded 200’s!

Again…. It’s a cleanse so I’m not eating any solid food, but I am getting about 1000 calories a day from the Lemonade and Maple syrup concoction…. So I know I will gain a few pounds back once I'm done, but I feel soooo much better and that feeling is what I need to continue to shed pounds.

I have been working out just about every day. So far I’ve gotten in a 30 minute cardio workout 5 of the 7 days, it’s definitely not an intense workout by ay means, but it’s got me moving again. Once I start eating I am definitely hopping on the treadmill to start running again- my goal is to get back up to running 2 miles in 20 minutes or less within a month.

I’m actually excited about working out (for real workouts, not just 30 min walks). When I started the cleanse, I had no desire what so ever… I just wanted to sit on my ass and eat. So Amen for that.

I’m really excited because I got exactly what I was looking for with this fast- clarity to listen to my body emotionally and physically and ENERGY to keep myself healthy.

I’ve also taken some time for myself during this period too. I took myself to the movies to see “Love and other Drugs”… which was an awesome chick-flick by the way and I looooove Anne Hathaway. I hung out with my Gay Boyfriend and I hung out with H. I’ve been reading The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A practical Guide to the Fulfillment of your Dreams by Deepak Chopra. J and I are also working on our budgets, and working on spiritual mind treatments for each other. It’s amazing how much time you have when you aren’t eating!

I’m super excited about my renewed attitude and burst of energy!

Hope you all have a fantastic hump day! Talk to you soon!

xoxo,

Updates….

2010-12-03T16:39:00.001-05:00

Day two of the Master Cleanse.

Yes… I’m doing the Cleanse again.

I need it.

My last post was a rant about gaining weight and being out of control. Of course I recited my handy dandy 4 step plan back to health… but it doesn’t work if I don’t follow it.... so this is my way of taking some control back.

It’s like a little kid that draws all over their bedroom wall even though they get in trouble every time they get caught… finally Mom and Dad take the crayons away as punishment… hoping that the child will learn the lesson and stop drawing on the wall.

Apparently I like to draw a lot.

Anyways…. Master Cleanse isn’t really for weight loss (although that is an awesome perk), it resets my body so that I can learn to listen to it again.

J and I are doing it together… so it’s nice to have someone who feels your (hunger)pain. Nothing like another bonding experiance... <3

I weighted myself on Monday before we started the ease-in process… I weighed in at 212 pounds.

212 POUNDS!
I’m not going to bash myself about it, I’m just going to fix it.

So what happens after the cleanse?

THE GYM.

And

EATING LIKE A SENSABLE HEALTHY HUMAN BEING.

While we are cleansing… I also made a promise to workout 7 of the 10 days, not hardcore working out, just a 30 minute walk… but something to get my body used to moving again.

One thing about the Cleanse… is that you have a lot of free time (and space in your brain) because you aren’t consuming your self/thoughts with food. So in that time J and I both decided that we wanted to work on some things… some things individually and some things as a couple.

Things like, financial planning, affirmative prayer, being creative, career goals and exercise.

Speaking of financial planning, with the weight gain has come some stagnant financial progress…. So over the last few days, I spent some time moving money around and working on a plan to be wealthy and wise. Updates are posted to the right.

The biggest thing I did was transfer $7,100 of my loan debt to credit card #3….I debated for a while, but the 0% interest until March 2012 just sounded too good. Of course there was a 4% transfer fee, but that is still 5.7% less than the interest rate on my loan. (Which is about $400 saved).

I also wrote down a long term Financial Plan:

1. Save $2000 (emergency fund) by 12/30/2010. *just about there!*

2. Be (credit card)debt free by 6/15/2012.

3. Bring 401K up to 6-8%.

4. Save $10,000 by 4/1/2013 (wedding fund... Yes... I said wedding fund).
5. Save $10,000 to add to emergency fund by 4/1/2014.

6. Save $20,000-$40,000 for house down payment by 1/1/2015

7. Start baby fund after house is purchased.

The long term financial planning is a lot of fun. Especially since I have a big secret that I can’t share yet... big secret in terms of $$!

Well, that’s that… cleansing, loosing weight and building wealth. I’m wishing you guys a wonderful weekend. I’ll be back very soon!

xoxo,

Lazy and fat…

2010-11-12T13:05:00.001-05:00

I shouldn’t say things like that about myself. I'm beautiful and perfect the way I am.

But seriously.

It’s true.

I am back up to 200lbs.

What the fuck.

I want to make up excuses and reasons as to why, when and how. But the reality is… I’ve been lazy, and it made me fat. Again.

Sn: I ate 2 chocolate chip cookies and 2 packs of milano cookies before noon.

So here is the very simple 4 step process that I need to adhere to…. Starting now.

Step one:
Stop putting random, unhealthy, unnecessary CRAP in your mouth.

Step two:
Write down what you eat. You need to be held accountable. You can’t be trusted.

Step three:
Remember that place you used to go to all the time? Some people call it the gym? Go to it. Immediately.

Step four:
Blog about it. Weigh in weekly- track your loss. If you don’t write it down for the whole world to see, you’ll ignore it and the cycle will begin again.

Simple enough. Right?

xoxo,

"Your passion is what stirs your soul...."

2010-10-20T22:51:00.002-04:00

"Find your passion. Your passion is what stirs your soul and makes you feel like you're totally in harmony with why you showed up here in the first place." Dr. Wayne Dyer

I had to smile when I read this on FB today, because my girlfriend and I have been talking a lot about this over the last few days. It’s almost like it’s been on my brain so much that it is popping up everywhere… funny how the universe works.

Sooo…what is MY passion? What’s stirs my soul?

That’s the dilemma of my world right now.

I thought cooking/food was my passion. I’m not sure that it is. I like to cook and I LOVE food. But it didn’t feel like a passion today.

I’m in Texas at our corporate test kitchen again for work… we are working on the upcoming menus and part of our process is to recreate all the recipes to test for accuracy and tasting. Well, I’m the only ‘non-chef’ and the only female in the kitchen during this process.

Don’t get me wrong…I love wearing a Chef’s jacket, clunky clog chef’s shoes and working in a commercial kitchen… but feeling like you are a tall as an ant because the Chef’s don’t respect you… not so fun. Being the only woman (out of 14 arrogant Chef’s)… also not so fun.

They always give me the simple dishes to execute… for obvious reasons, my technique and skill aren’t at their level. That said, I fucked up both vinaigrettes I was responsible for making. Well, fucked up is an exaggeration, the recipes were fucked up, but they were still looking at me like I fucked it up.

It’s silly and I know I can cook and I know most people enjoy my food, but I hate that feeling- that feeling that I’m not even good at what I THINK my passion is.

I really do love food… but it is such a blow to my ego knowing that my girlfriend and my friends think I’m this great cook… but really, in a real kitchen outside of my house, I suck.

I had to go hide in the back office for a little while because I felt the tears prickle the back of my eyes. I just felt so frustrated and sad. I remembered looking in the mirror in the bathroom this morning and liking the way the Chef’s jacket looked on me and thinking… hmm, maybe? Is it just the status that I like that comes along with the jacket? If this was my passion, wouldn’t I know it? And if this isn’t it, what do I do now?

And on another note, why is the culinary world dominated by men?

I thought cooking was a woman’s thing? It’s a horrible piggish thing to think that ‘woman belong in the kitchen’… but why isn’t that true in the commercial kitchen?? Because men don’t want women to have any power or prestige?? Maybe this is part of the reason I’m hating the culinary world right now? They are dumb. Some of the male Chef’s anyways. They act like ten year old boys running around the kitchen with chefs knives posing as reputable adults. AND they treat me as a damsel in distress. I CAN DO IT MYSELF! I know what it means to julienne, I don’t need you to show me. No, the knife is too heavy for my sad weak delicate girly hands. Just because I didn’t go to CIA and I have a vjayjay between my legs doesn’t mean I can’t fucking cut onions or chop parsley properly. Ugh. I’m just as competent as they are, but sometimes I don’t feel like I care enough to fight.

So I just had a shitty day at work. Doesn’t mean I can’t still do it. Cook that is.

I don’t wanna just go through the motions in life…. I want to do something that I’m passionate about.

So what’s my passion?

Home sweet home…

2010-10-12T17:18:00.002-04:00

I was at home with my family for 10 days. It felt like a 3 day weekend. But I guess that’s why they say time flies when you’re having fun.

Something about being at home recharges my battery… fills my soul. Cheesy but true.
I’ve been coming and going visiting home once… sometimes twice a year for the last 11years. You would think that after this many years the leaving would be a breeze, nope… it’s still hard. Every time.

I know I’ve written about this before, but I’m sitting in the airplane headed back to the states (back to J :-)) and thinking about how much I miss them already. I love my life in my city… just wish they were closer.

Anyways… enough of the sad stuff.

I had an awesome time at home. The highlight was definitely laying on the couch cuddling with my Mom and sister watching TV. Of course we left the house too…. Went to Oma and Opa’s house and ate delicious food. We traveled to Berlin (my first time) for 3 days and roamed around the city looking at bits of history and shopping of course.

I hung out with my Dad and his new girlfriend… that was an adventure. A topic for another post.

I just love the city that I’m from…. It’s so pretty and so full of character. The only thing that would have made it better was if J had been there. We actually had fun the 10 days we spent apart. We Skyped almost every day… and sort of found a new appreciation for each other. J actually started us on a really cute adventure. She started writing a store and sent me what she wrote for me to continue it, then I sent it back and she continued and so on. The story has evolved dramatically… it’s up to 19 pages now… and the plot and getting thicker and thicker. Her sneaky way to get me writing again I guess…lol…. It worked, because we are having so much fun writing it. I love her so much… her creativity and love for words inspires me to rekindle my own love for writing. Needless to say, I can’t wait to see how the story unfolds… it might be too racy to post here…. With Mom reading and all… lol…. We might just have to edit it and send it to a publisher. :-)

Two hours till we land… and back to reality… a pretty awesome reality. :-)

Off to the motherland…

2010-09-30T13:07:00.001-04:00

Vaction officially starts at 5pm today!

Wooooo Hooooo!!

You have no idea how excited I am!

I fly out tomorrow and arrive early Saturday morning. I’m so excited to see my family and to have a BREAK from work.

J and I haven’t spent more than 3 days apart, so I know I am going to miss her like crazy. Of course we’ll skype and talk on the phone and it’s only 10 days, but you know new love… at least our new love…. <3

I’m not sure if I will really be blogging that much while I’m at home… I’ll mostly be reading books, lounging around with the fam and doing NOTHING… man I love these kind of vacations, too bad there isn’t a beach near by.

SN: I weighed myself yesterday morning. 194lbs. Ugh. What does being happy in love= being fat? J has gained a good 15-20 pounds too. Operation get your body right will commence as soon as I return to the US. For real this time. I’m not gonna dwell on the disappointment, I’m going to remember how easily I ‘got rid’ of the weight last time and channel that energy to get this weight loss going. More to come…

Talk to you guys soon!

Jesus vs. Buddha

2010-09-24T17:15:00.002-04:00

This topic is a little different than the typical things that I discuss… hopefully I don’t offend anybody, but I thought it was an interesting discussion, and well, it’s my blog so I’m sharing. :-)

My girlfriend brought up this question last night…. Is Buddha just as ‘real’ as Jesus?

First, I should state that neither one of us are Christian… she claims Buddhism and I am a spiritual being that doesn’t subscribe to one religion or another. So this question comes from a idea that Jesus (and Buddha for that matter) was a profit/spiritual leader like many other great figures in history whose stories were recorded/altered/created by man as a way to gain power over people and at times clarity and hope for sake of survival in this life. Of course this idea is subjective but still very relative when you think about this question.

*SN: J and I have this joke that the answer, cause and reason behind almost everything that isdeemed ‘wrong’ in this country are either power or capitalism. Seriously… really think about it. I bring this up because in my opinion, religion, amongst some other things, (but really all just boils back down to religion) is the basis on which this country was founded and religion has regularly been used as a way to control the masses, hence the fight for power. And Capitalism, well, like they say, money is power. More to come on that later.*

One thing that I have to remember in thinking about this question is my own perception. I wasn’t raised in a religious home. I don’t think we ever went to church as a family, ever. Well, except the day my sister and I were baptized, and even that was more of a tradition than a religious practice. I guess it’s a little bit different because culturally Germany is not a very religious country and my father, although America (who statistically are more religious), rebelled against religion after being raised Jehovah Witness and separating from his family at 17.

Hence the ‘hippie’ undertone in my perception.

I wasn’t threatened by the wrath of a Jealous God or eternal damnation. Nor did I understand enlightenment.

Although, I was threatened with Santa Claus as a kid, lol- not sure what that means though.

Seriously, I don’t really know a whole lot about either religion, even now. I didn’t even discover some of these things until I ventured into a Pentecostal church with my best friend at about the age of 10, and after that (as you can imagine) I was afraid of God, Jesus, hell and the end of the world and I just didn’t get it. Christianity was not always a source of anxiety for me, later in middle and high school most of my friends were Christian and they managed to clear some of those things up and teach me more about faith than fear. So I understand that my perception of God and religion is different than most and I have been able to form my own opinions about God without my parents beliefs hindering my perception.

Wait. Hold that thought.

Then again, my parent’s beliefs, or more accurately, lack there of, did affect my perception… I’m just as non-subscribing as they are.

Hhmmm…

Back to the question…

My answer to her was that they are both as real (or not) as you perceive them to be. Everything is about perception… if you are raised Christian, you would perceive Jesus to be ‘real’ and if you were raised Buddhist you would perceive Buddha to be ‘real’. J was raised Christian, but later found Buddhism, thus the realization and question. G is similar, both of her parents are Christian and her beliefs are now more aligned with metaphysical teachings.

First of all, the question its self shows arrogance, because it’s almost like saying, “wait, if Christianity and Jesus is bullshit does that mean the Buddhism and Buddha is too??”

I know it is silly and more of a rhetorical question than anything else… but it does present a good point.

Why would the story and teachings of Buddha be any more real than that of Christianity?

Just because we aren’t Christian and don’t subscribe to those teachings? Even the Pastor(s) at the Metaphysical Church that I sometimes attend cracks jokes about Jesus. They quotes him (Jesus), Buddha and other religious teacher’s quite regularly, but I’ve only heard cracks about Christian beliefs. For example, most recently during a Science of Mind 101 class (which is held in a Methodist church) the Pastor was talking about something and used a curse word. Ass was the word I think, but he whispered it. Multiple times. Then goes on to say that he had to whisper the curse word because there is a big Cross behind him and he doesn’t want to upset Jesus and be struck by lighting and be sent to hell. It was a joke and I most definitely laughed because I think it’s silly too, but objectively speaking, what makes Metaphysical beliefs superior to anything other? The big joke is that whole point of Metaphysics (or my understanding of it anyways) is that you don’t have to join a church, practice religion or read a bible to be a spiritual human being with an awareness of a higher consciousness.

Buddha’s life and teachings were recorded and shared by man just as Jesus’ were. For me, it’s the fear and exclusivity that Christianity seems to rule by that turns me away, but that is my experience. Again I don’t know a lot about Buddhism but I find comfort in the approach to reaching a higher consciousness or the escape from “the cycle of suffering and rebirth”. However just as Christians fear eternal damnation in hell, Buddhist (along with other eastern religions) fear bad Karma or eternal repayment of karmic debt.

Ahh, there is a reason, explanation and viewpoint for every aspect, huh?

Personally, I believe in God. A higher being. A divine spirit. The Universal energy that ties all people, animals and things together and the scientific laws of it all, but that is just my belief. As human beings we all yearn for understanding and a sense of belonging. Some achieve this through religion, others through other venues, but in the end we all want to have something to believe in, an explanation, and a hopefulness that walks along side us in our life’s journey.

Religion is such an interesting topic… touchy and personal, but Interesting nonetheless.

What are your thoughts?

It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny daaaaay….

2010-09-22T10:16:00.004-04:00

I haven’t written is so long (again). I so miss blogging. I have just been wrapped up in one thing or another over the last month and haven’t taken the time to just write.

Now I am. So here goes…

I’m excited about a few things right now. I finally moved into my very own, very awesome apartment this past weekend. I really really like… it’s just enough space, it’s contemporary… and it’s MINE! I’m pretty sure I mentioned this before but this is the first time that I have ever lived alone. It’s only been 3 days, but let me tell you it’s effin awesome! I definitely miss having G around, but getting dressed in the living room while watching Good Morning America makes it kinda worth it… lol, it’s the simple things.

On another note, I will be going to Germany to visit my family in about a week in a half.

I CAN'T WAIT!

I’m soooo very excited. Vacation. No work. Family time. Did I mention no work?? It sucks that J isn’t coming… I’m going to miss her so much.

Speaking of J, things are great with her. I’m so in love…sigh… and it feels so good to be loved back. We’ve shared a lot of great experiences in these short 4 months… we are still learning a lot about each other, but what I find is that when you have a real connection with someone everything just falls into place.

Life is good and I am so very happy, but my life feels just a little disheveled, with the move and the constant ‘going’ but I am grateful for each new opportunity that comes my way. However, there are a few things that I want to focus more on over the next few months....

1. Work on my book.
2. Exercise more.
3. Read more.
4. Write more.
5. Create more.

The honeymoon stage of a new relationship is amazing :-) … but it also changes priorities a little. I am grateful that my beautiful girlfriend is a creative soul and understands how important it is to not lose yourself in your relationship. Maybe we can create a new date night… like a themed date night. “Work on your book Wednesday” or “Create a new dish Monday”… The idea is to still spend time together, but to spend that time creating and being productive… instead of only making googly eyes and getting fat… lol. *Aah new love*

I also recently started taking a class with G (J is taking it too, just in the morning): Science of Mind 101. It’s really enlightening and refreshing to have this positive energy in my life. It’s a discussion on how the mind is a powerful force… and how what we think/speak is what we attract and experience in our lives… and how we can be more positive and attract more fulfilling experiences. It really is good stuff... I'll have to go more into it as the class goes on.

Well, I have to go… I need to apply to be on MasterChef. How cool would that be in I got on the show?? :-)

I’ll keep you guys posted.

Talk to you soon! :-)

What are you afraid of?

2010-08-06T12:46:00.002-04:00

I’m not really an anxious person…spontaneity and chance suits me, but I’m a little bit overwhelmed by some of the changes coming over the next couple of months.

First… G is going to be leaving for the Peace Corps… and I’m gonna miss her. I’m gonna miss her a lot. We don’t hang out and talk as much as we used to before I started dating J… but I’m really, really gonna miss her. In an odd way she is like a security blanket for me… yes we get on each others nerves from time to time, but she is like my sister and there is a comfort in knowing that she is always there. She knows me…I don’t always have to say what I’m thinking or feeling for her to get it and there aren’t many other people in my life that can do that. I’m so proud of her and I know that this experience is going to open a whole new world for her, but that doesn’t make me any less sad.

I think we sometimes take friendship for granted. Sometimes we are selfish. I don’t know if this is something that comes with age, or time, but we sometimes get so consumed with our own lives and romantic relationships that we forget to really nurture some of our most important relationships.

She doesn’t know when she is leaving or even where she is going yet, but knowing that time is looming over us makes it a little more real. It makes me realized that new chapter is on the horizon for us both.

Second thing… I have to move. Again.

Ugh.

The thought of moving again makes me violently ill… the packing, the cleaning, the sorting, the hauling, and the shit everywhere for weeks… such a pain in the ass.

It’s not just the moving part that is making me anxious; it’s the living alone and the paying all the bills alone that is overwhelming.

I have never lived alone. Ever.

On one hand I’m really excited. The thought of having my own space to do whatever I please is pretty thrilling. At the same time, I think it will probably get old and I’ll get a little lonely. In reality I won’t be ‘alone’ all that often… I’ll be bouncing between my house and J’s house… and she’ll do the same… but still, I’m 28 years old and I am finally gonna live alone.

The really big scary thing is paying all the bills alone. My rent is going to go up $250 a month and I won’t have anyone to split the utilities with. Of course I did my budget and everything fits… but there isn’t much money left over at the end of the month… and I’ll only be paying the minimum on my loan. I will still have my $200 per month direct deposited into my savings account, but it would probably be smarter to put at least half of that towards paying off the loan. I always have my yearly bonuses to look forward to as well… so I’m hoping I can have the loan paid off in about 2 years.

Part of me just wants to skip the whole living alone thing and move in with J. Splitting her rent and her utilities would allow me to save even more than I am saving in my current apartment… and it would help her out a lot too, especially because she doesn’t have any income coming in at the moment. I’m just afraid that it would be a detriment to our relationship. I know that I’m gonna spend my life with her, but moving in together is a big deal and I want it to be for the right reason… not just to save money. It is pretty tempting though.

So that idea is out.

The other option is to move back out of the city and save maybe $100-$150 on rent.

Hell no.

That idea is out too.

So maybe it’s not the most finically responsible thing to max out my budget to live in a great little apartment in the city, but my sanity and my happiness play a role in this decision too.

As overwhelming as it is, I am happy with my decision and I think it is the right choice.
The anticipation of change has got me on the edge of my seat…. But I know I everything will work out fine. It always does.

What are you afraid of?

Back on the wagon…

2010-08-03T11:06:00.003-04:00

Financial diet update:
A lot has happened over the last week for me financially. First- I took out the loan for $20, 000 to pay off my credit cards… the percentage rate is still a little high (9.25%) but quite a bit lower than the interest on the credit cards.

This is kinda disturbing, but after taking out the loan, I still had about $2,900 outstanding balances on credit cards (the max amount for a personal loan was $20,000) - so I held my breath, closed my eyes and withdrew the $2,900 from my savings account to pay it off. The good news is, I now only (only??) have $20,000 in debt- and just the one loan (besides my student loans) to pay off. The bad news… my savings has shrunk considerably… but at least for a good reason, so I guess technically there is no bad news.

I have also (finally) removed the little plastic devils from my wallet- for real this time- and I have placed them in a safe place at home where I can’t make frivolous spur of the moment purchases.

I can’t remember the last time I have had zero balances on my credit cards…. Wait, maybe that is because I never have had zero balances on my credit cards.

Regardless, it feels good to know that I am making progress in the right direction. Now, I just have to stick with it. I want to be debt free- at least free of credit card debt by the time I am 30. I want to get married and buy a home and be able to afford to have kids and have a good life…. I don’t want to constantly be worried about what I owe to whom.

I’ve updated my finances in the column to the right. The Donate button is still up and running, so if you are able to, please donate whatever you can. .50 cents, $1.00, $5…. Whatever you can it would be greatly appreciated!

Weight-loss diet update:

Nada.

I’m getting fat again.

Holding steady at 183 and I haven’t been working out.

I’m trying desperately to get back on the wagon. But I have gotten sooooo lazy. My plan is to go to the gym every night this week and not to have any soda or junk food. Can you belive that? I started drinking soda again. *shaking my head at wasted empty calories*

I have to do something quick- J and I are heading to Vegas this weekend for her Cousins wedding and I need to be able to fit into my dress… it’s a little snug right now. :-/

I’ll let you know how it goes…

Wish me luck!

So in love…

2010-07-27T12:00:00.002-04:00

She never stops taking my breath away.

J and I spent the weekend attached at the hip again. :-) But get this…. I went home last night…. ALONE. Wow. What a concept?! Lol

Picking up from my last post:

Friday after work I went and hung out with G and her family like I had planned. I met some of her extended family, ate pizza and talked. It was really nice just hanging out with her… even though it was brief.

That night, J went to the club and I stayed home… I just wasn’t in the mood. I was moody and pmsing and just tired of going…. So I stayed home. It wasn’t so bad. I got a good night sleep and got up and went to work on Saturday without feeling like a zombie.

Saturday night was date night… I hadn’t seen J in 2 days, so I wanted to get really cute. I straightened my hair, spent time on my makeup, and even wrangled myself into a corset so that I could wear this really cute one shoulder little black dress.

I was late meeting her, but when she saw me she stopped in her tracks and dropped her jaw.

SN: I love the way she looks at me… I love that she thinks I’m beautiful and I love that she tells me all the time. :-)

Needless to say, Date night was great. We talked, laughed, danced and cuddled the night away.

We spent all day Sunday and Monday together too. We rented movies and finished listening to Breaking Dawn, and we went to go see The Kids are Alright (which by the way is an AWESOME movie… go see it asap!)

After being inseparable for 3 days I went home like a mature adult on Monday night and slept in my bed alone… and got up on time for work without being exhausted because of trying to hangout all night with my girlfriend. Go Me!

After I was settled in my bed (alone!) and we had said our goodnights on the phone this is the text message that I got from her:

“I had a great time with you this weekend. I fall more and more in love with u everday… u bring such joy to my life… love u baby…gnite.”

*Sigh*

So in Love. :-)

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed…

2010-07-23T10:00:00.001-04:00

I hate it when I’m in a mood… seems like for no apparent reason, but if I listen long enough I usually figure it out.

So… J and I have been inseparable for the last month or so and yesterday was the first night we sleep apart in a long time. The funny thing is that I have wanted some “me-time” and a break from the constant going and doing, but the moment I’m without her I miss her so I guess I have neglected my “me-time” just a little. With that said, yesterday, J took some “me-time”… I’m happy that she took some time to be in her own space and do her own thing but I’m kind of annoyed with myself because why does it feel like I wait for her to take “me-time” in order for me to get my own “me-time”?

We are definitely still in the honeymoon stage and very much in love… but I guess we are on the verge of suffocating each other. I don’t want to loose myself in this relationship… just like I know she doesn’t. How do I find a happy medium? And why do I “feel some sort of way” because she took some time away from me? I guess it kinda did hurt my feelings a little bit. It’s just so stupid and silly because even though I need time to be alone or with my friends too I don’t want her to wanna be away from me. I guess that’s just my ego at work.

It definitely doesn’t help that Aunt Flo is on her way, so I was extra emotional and teary eyed after getting off the phone with her last night. I guess I felt like there was a disconnect between us… conversation just felt weird… we talked about it, but I think we both weren’t sure why.

We still have a lot to learn about each other… it’s only been 3 months… sometimes I forget that it’s been only this short amount of time. We seem so connected all the time, but we have to find a balance. We were even off sexually a few days ago. She threw a party, trying to make extra income, and when we got home we were just off… I was drunk and she was annoyed and exhausted after planning and playing hostess and it was just bad.

I guess that happens sometimes.

I’m gonna hang out with my long lost bff G tonight (long lost because I’ve been lost in Love Land) and J and I have a date on Saturday night, so hopefully the friend time and the date night will put me/us back in my/our happy space.

There are so many other things going on right now. I really need to blog more. Our lease is up on September 21st, so that means I have to move… again. I’m dreading it. I just don’t wanna do it. The packing up of all the shit and the hauling of all the shit… oh and finding a place to live that I can afford.

I just want to be done with it already.

Wish me luck.

Until next time….

How did I get here????

2010-07-15T15:01:00.002-04:00

Lol…. Seemed like a good title….

Updates:

I have earned a whopping $6 so far through my donate button. Thank you for getting the ball rolling!

I didn’t have much luck with selling my fat girl clothes- I had 3 huge trash bags full of clothes to sell to a second hand shop… and out of all the stuff I had they only bought 5 items, and get this… they only gave me 6 bucks for it!! I’m going to try one other second hand shop and whatever is left after that I will donate to a local woman’s shelter. (Epic Fail… at least the women at the shelter will be happy.)

My next project was to consolidate all of my debt with a lower interest rate.

SUCCESS!

Finally, I was able to get the ball rolling on something! I actually wound up taking out a $20,000 loan from my credit union at a 9.25% intrest rate to pay off all my random credit card debt. I went back and forth on weather or not that was the smartest thing to do, but in the long run having a lower interest rate and making one monthly payment going to make this process much easier and faster! So by Monday morning I will be free of credit card debt! Woooohoooooo! (Ok, I replaced it with a loan, but still- it’s nice to not have maxed out plastic in my wallet.)

One step at a time.

Next…. Remember all that weight I lost? I’m slowly gaining in back, I’m up to 182lbs, my lowest weight was 168. Time to get back on the wagon- I never reached my goal of 165lbs…. so I’m gonna try this again. It should only take me about 8 weeks or so- I’m a pro at this now ;-) (Literally laughing out loud- Oh really? Then why do you keep gaining it back??)

But that will have to wait until next week…

I am going a road trip with J… we are leaving tonight and coming back on Sunday.

It’s a TWELVE HOUR drive.

Ugh.

Not looking forward to the driving part. I’m excited about the trip though, I’m going to meet the family and we’re attending her cousin’s reverse reception (reception is before the wedding…. Plus, I love spending time with her, so being cooped up together in the car won’t be bad, especially since we got the final book of Twilight “Breaking Dawn” on CD to listen to in the car (yes, we are big ol’ dorks!)

So Bo voyage, until next week….. hope you all have a lovely weekend!

“I am in a financial cul-de-sac” –Carrie Bradshaw

2010-07-02T14:22:00.001-04:00

Sooooo, after 1 year and 5 months, 104 posts, numerous comments, a blog award, lots of complaining, giggling, bragging, sadness and budgeting, I have finally decided to add a DONATE button to my blog.

Yep, I’m finally that desperate.

It can’t hurt right?

I need money, moolah, dinero, cash, cheddar, bread… whatever you wanna call it. If you can donate .50 cents or $100 dollars, I need it. My budget is getting tighter and tighter, but my debt doesn’t seem to be going down AT ALL.

I’m trying to be creative and find another way to produce some additional funds- I have got to get these credit cards paid off. I am truly just like Karyn in “SAVE KARYN” (which is an awesome book by the way- check out the link)…. $20,000+ in debt at 28 years old- I can’t really enjoy my life because I’m stressed about my money.

I refuse to live this way forever.

So why should you donate your hard earned money to me?

Well, you read my funny, witty, charming blog for entertainment (I hope) and let’s face it… I NEED HELP!

I get it, we could all use a little assistance, but if you are willing and able- I (and American Express and VISA) would greatly appreciate it.

In the meantime…. I am going to sell my fat girl clothes, apply for part-time work as a server (instant cash), start working on my book, and start playing the lottery (can you hear the sarcasm? I’m keeping my fingers crossed anyways)….

Thanks in advance for your help!

Randomness...

2010-06-25T12:42:00.002-04:00

I know I haven’t written in a while…. I’m sorry. I guess I’ve kinda had writers block a little. I actually do have some things to talk about, but this is gonna just be a random post…. Randomly about Sex and the City. :-)

Sooooo…I’m at work putting my menu books together and watching old Sex and the City episodes online. (Yes, I am watching TV at work… so what?!) I’m watching the episode where Carrie meets Petrovsky for the first time at the art gallery.

They meet briefly and Carrie is kinda turned off by him… she makes a little joke about the art installation and he says:

“You are comedian, No?”

They don’t talk anymore at the gallery, but Petrovsky somehow tracks down her phone number and calls her. She hangs up on him twice thinking he’s got the wrong number and finally she’s like, “I can’t understand you, sir” –lol… and he says:

“This is Alexander Petrovsky for Carrie Bradshaw.”

Her reaction is soooooo funny because I have soooo done this before.

She goes- “Oh, hold on, let me get her for you”

Obviously no one else is there… she just feels like a douche and she has this look on her face, a look of pure embarrassment- you know the scrunched up face and slap to the forehead? After her little pause, she picks up the phone and pretends that her ‘sister’ answered the phone initially. I LOVE it… so very funny

This episode is also the episode where Charlotte finds out that she and Harry are pregnant. There is a scene where the girls are all sitting in the coffee shop and Charlotte tells them the good news and it made me soooooo think about my friends and the girls nights we used to have. Me, M, G and B. We would sit around and talk and giggle…. And I remember when we found out that B was preggers- it was totally the same scene.

I love those precious memories. No matter how far we come or how far apart we grow, we still have those memories and sometimes SATC triggers them and it puts a smile on my face for the rest of the day. :-)

If...

2010-05-27T13:11:00.004-04:00

This is J’s favorite poem… she read it to me a few weeks ago durning one of our late night chatting sessions. I had to look it up because I really enjoyed it… so I thought I would share! :-)

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings—nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And—which is more—you'll be a Man my son!

—Rudyard Kipling

Love letter...

2010-05-21T11:46:00.003-04:00

On March 22, 2010 you sent me an email on a popular dating website saying that you were interested in my profile and wanted to get to know me better…

…You challenged me to a round of Taboo and literally made me laugh out loud.

Then I looked at your profile and saw that you were not only Buddhist, but a poet with a master’s degree who was looking for a real connection.

We exchanged emails and begin to get to know each other. With each exchange my heart fluttered a little more.

Then on March 29, 2010 you asked me out on our first date…

We went to a cool little restaurant in your neighborhood.

I was so nervous before we met, mostly because I enjoyed the person in the emails sooooo much that I prayed that the woman I was about to meet was just as beautiful and intriguing as the person I had created.

Then I saw you…

You had on plaid sneakers, jeans and a vest…. With your yellow flower earrings on. Your hair was pulled back and your smile radiated across the room when I walked in.

Oh My God, Oh My God is what was going on in my head.

We sat and talked for only an hour, because I had Belly Dance to get to and you had a Poetry Slam.

Right after we left you sent me a text message…

“You are just as beautiful in person and your personality is great. I’ll be in touch”

You made me gush.

I was excited.

Butterflies.

That was on a Monday.

On Wednesday I met you at the park right after work… we sat and talked at Willies and I internally tried to figure out what was happening between us.

Later that night I went out with G to the Wednesday night spot… and after running errands for your ‘boo’ you changed clothes and met me at the club.

My jaw dropped when you walked in. You had on those black peep-toe heels and your besties’ yellow cropped jacket.

I think I squeezed G’s hand when I saw you.

We got drinks and we danced and held hands and rubbed and stroked each other through our daze of intoxication.

You kissed me on the cheek that night when you left.

Two days later on Friday night we both went to the Club.

You wore a dress.

And the plaid heels.

*sigh* Baby you are KILLING me.

It was an interesting night because I wanted to be with you all night, but another girl that I had met on the same dating website (and slept with) was there. You knew about her because I had already disclosed that… but it didn’t make it any less awkward.

All that didn’t matter though.

You bought me a drink, held my hand, stared into my eyes and you kissed me.

Our first kiss was in a club. Not ideal, but you still made my knees buckle.

We left the club and I walked with you to your car so that you could give me a ride to mine.

We talked about our intense connection and what that meant and how we were both so confused and thrown, but so excited at the same time.

Then you kissed me.

We made out in your car for a good 5 minutes and at that point I was ready to marry you.

It felt so different with you. You made my heart skip a beat. You were everything that I had repeatedly said that I wanted. Seriously, ask G.

I said I wanted a beautiful, femme girl- not shy with a great personality that could still hold her own.

And here you are. Exactly that and so much more.

Two days later you invited me to the Easter potluck at your friend’s house. You didn’t want to bring your ‘boo’ you guys weren’t speaking anymore… you wanted to bring me. You said to me, “I have felt more for you in this week than I have felt for her in 8 months.”

I hated that you were seeing her, talking to her, even breathing the same air as her. But we had only been dating for a week and I had convinced myself that if we were meant to be we would.

Easter dinner was the day I realized that I was gonna fall for you. You were such a “Gentle(wo)man”…. so sweet, so attentive, so protective…. You were everything and still this beautiful chocolate feminine woman.

We saw each other almost every other day from that point on.

Then on April 10th…. We went to Martini date, and we wound up back at my apartment.

I’m not going to go into details… but you remember that night. That First night. 

After that I subconsciously dropped everything. I knew I wanted to be with you.

I was even set up with a cute girl, a cute girl who is a Cop, who even seemed to be nice. But I wasn’t interested because I knew I had already found my ‘One’.

Over the next 5 weeks you courted me… like old school discovery process, let’s get to know each other courting. You took me out, I took you out, we spent the night together and we talked for hours upon hours.

There wasn’t a day we didn’t speak.

You were all that I talked about in my therapy sessions. I talked about being scared because I had never felt like this before and how so many people said it was too soon to feel this way, but all I could think about is how happy you made me and how all I wanted to do is be with you.

Skip to Miami.

All girl lesbian weekend on the beach. Girls everywhere. Black ones, Brown ones, whites ones, skinny ones, fat ones….. any girl you could imagine and they were all there for the same purpose… to get drunk, party and get in trouble. And you decided that you wanted to be with me.

It was Saturday, May 15th… we were at the beach- cuddled up in a blanket in the sand overlooking some very happy couple’s sunset beach wedding and you asked me to be your girlfriend.
Me.

<3

I was fine before you got here. Happy even. I was working on myself and truly enjoying the process of self-discovery. I never thought that I would find someone like you this soon. I mean I’ve always known that you were out there, but you have been here the whole time and the stars finally aligned and the universe brought us together. There are no accidents… we crossed paths when we were both ready and I really look forward to seeing what the future holds.

You make me so happy baby…. I have this feeling that we are going to be together for a long time.

Love,
Me

2010-05-20T23:39:00.003-04:00

I made my vision board a while ago and I include some gratitude letters on my board… I thought it would be a good idea to post them here as well… what better way to release my intentions into the universe??

Today I make this promise to myself:

I choose to live my life as a joyful experience. I choose to keep my mind focused on love as the greatest power in my life. I choose to create greater possibilities in my life than I ever imagined before.

I listen to the wisdom of the voice within me, knowing it is Divine Intelligence at work in my life. I keep my mind and my heart open; Ready to accept joy and success however they appear.

I celebrate these ideas as the truth in my life, now and always.

And so it is!

I am grateful for….
The abundantly loving and fulfilling relationship that I have with my spiritual partner. She is beautiful, kind, caring, supportive, dependable, responsible, faithful, strong, motivated, creative, spiritually enlightened, sexy, amazing, family oriented individual that loves me unconditionally. Our relationship is strong, we have a foundation of trust and genuine love for one another. We balance each other out and our spark is forever ignited. She is affectionate and she finds me to be incredibly sexy as I do her. We are so in Love and we have the most amazing sex. The chemistry between us keeps us forever attracted to one another. We have a beautiful life together. We are financially stable and we take care of one another. When I look in her eyes I am overwhelmed in our love. I can depend on her just as she can depend on me. Our souls grow together and we are forever connected. Our children are healthy and happy and they are raised in love, compassion and tolerance. We are wonderful parents and the support of our families; friends and our children’s father allow them to grow to be beautiful, responsible, truly good people. I am so very grateful for my abundantly satisfying life.

And so it is…

I am grateful for…
My amazingly satisfying career. I love my job and I am financially stable at my $80,000/yr salary. I have no debt and my savings is abundant. I am able to help people through my work and it is also very creative. I am my own boss, and I do not manage any employees. My business is very lucrative and I receive bonuses above and beyond my salary regularly. It is a competitive market and I am at the top of my field. I work hard, but I have a great work life balance. I am able to take vacations regularly and it does not interrupt my business. I feel good at the end of my work day and my work stays at the office. Money is not an issue in my life and I am stress-free. I am so very grateful for my successful, fulfilling and satisfying career.

And so it is…

Master Cleanse COMPLETE!

2010-05-01T23:25:00.003-04:00

I am super excited!! We did it! 10 whole days of a lemonade concoction and worlds of discipline and strength! The boost in energy was the best part… I really felt good through the whole process.

I’m not sure what my total weight loss is yet, I’m going to wait until Monday morning to weigh myself because Aunt Flo is here to visit and I’m all bloated and heavy... and I'm so not trying to see a the same number from the day before! The last time I checked I was down 10 lbs... so I did really well!

I can’t wait to eat solid food again though, seriously! I have a whole week of delicious eats planned. Yum! Don't worry, I won't put the weight back on because I am going to be hitting the gym super hard! I have to reach my goal weight of 165!

Thanks for all the support!

Master Cleanse Day 6…

2010-04-26T14:33:00.002-04:00

I can’t believe that I’m already on day 6! I really didn’t think I would make it this long. I mean… no food, like ZERO food, for 10 days sounds insane… but I’m already more than half way done! Day 2 was the hardest day, I was tired and moody and hungry and just over it. By day 3 things were looking up big time. I had a burst of energy and this journey didn’t sound so insane anymore.

I have this ridiculous burst of energy, I feel so light and clear and open. It’s an amazing feeling. It really makes me rethink how I eat, because if it’s the food that drains my energy and makes me feel foggy, why would I want to continue to do that to myself?

It’s amazing how EVERYTHING revolves around food. When you aren’t eating it leaves space in your life for so many other things. Of course it’s difficult sometimes because other people are eating around me, but this is the choice that I made and I am going to see it through. It makes me incredibly proud of myself and just reaffirms how strong I really am.

I feel healthy and happy and very extremely grateful for being at this place in my life. I have asked for so many things and once I finally uncovered these layers of myself I seem to have found what I was looking for. Nothing in life is perfect, but my outlook and my intentions have shifted and I have managed to attract exactly what I needed in this moment.

oh... and I'm at 169.4 lbs :)

Master Cleanse Day 1&2….

2010-04-22T14:37:00.001-04:00

Soooo… G and I are doing the Master Cleanse… the goal is to complete 10 days.

We’re on day 2.

Yesterday went well… I’m definitely more hungry today than I was yesterday, but I also had a distraction yesterday (*wink* more to come on that).

First of all I’m ecstatic with my weight right now …. I haven’t posted anything about it but when I weighed myself this morning I was at 174 lbs…. if you remember from the last time I posted about my weight I was 196.8 … so I have lost 22.8 lbs!! The 22 lbs came off the healthy way… working out and eating right…. But these next 10lbs, I just need to get them off so that I can look good when I go to Miami! :)

I know the weight that I loose from the Master Cleanse probably won’t stay off…. But I’m gonna get right back in the gym when I get back from Miami, so I ‘m not worried about that!

Right now, I am feeling a little bit lethargic, but that probably has more do with the fact that I was up late last night with…. Ok, I need to name her; I’ll call her ‘J’, [DON”T READ THIS PART MOM] having the best sex of my LIFE! OMG! Ok, I’m not gonna go in to detail, but I’m so falling for this girl… and yes it is the same girl that I wrote about here.

So anyways… back to the Cleanse…:)

It is definitely tough… and it’s not so much that I’m hungry… I just want to eat, out of habit I guess. Work seems to be the hardest part of the day. Once I’m home I’m ok… I read or meditate or watch TV and I don’t even think about food. It definitely helps that G is doing it too.

I can’t wait see what the scale says at the end of all of this… my goal is 165lbs. I will keep you guys posted.

Wish me luck!

Giddy… :)

2010-04-10T12:49:00.001-04:00

She saw my profile on a popular dating website… we had similar interests and seemed to be on the same wave length… so she ‘winked’ at me. We exchanged emails, text messages and spoke on the phone and I was already completely enamored before ever meeting her. Her emails were engaging and inquisitive, she wanted to know what made me tick and she opened herself up to me. She’s a poet and an Aquarius… an amazing combination. Her way with words made me literally laugh out loud and other times made my spine tingle. I was giddy and excited, but I knew I had to meet her in person before I got wrapped up in a figment of my imagination. Then we met…. And now here I am with butterflies in my stomach.

What is happening to me? This girl has totally caught me off guard. We barely know each other, but there is this innate connection that I can’t explain. It’s crazy… but the way that I feel when I am with her…. is like nothing that I have experienced before. She’s attentive, affectionate, creative and mature, and when she looks at me I can see something in her eyes… she is vocal about what she is thinking and feeling, she’s beautiful, she is passionate, she’s intelligent and insightful, I trust her when she is in control and I can totally let go with her…. I don’t feel the need to be the one that does everything. She’s my equal.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I know, I know….. sloooooooow down. And when I say love… I don’t mean actual love I just mean that there is an immediate connection, an animal attraction… and a conscience awareness of it.

Some people have said that it is too soon for me to get involved with someone again. Honestly I had no intention of anything serious, but now, I don’t know that I can say that anymore. The universe brought her into my life at this very moment for a reason and it feels so right. This process of emotional and spiritual growth that I have gone through (and am still going through) has aligned me with her. So I’m going with it.

Stay tuned…. :)

Hello again...

2010-03-11T15:58:00.001-05:00

I haven’t written in a while… shame on me. I’ve wanted to write several times and starting typing, but then got pulled away for one reason or another.

I’m not sure where to start.

I’ve been sober for 25 days. Yes, I realize I sound like an alcoholic, I don’t want to go into details, but I was absolutely out of control and totally destructive.

My plan is to go 30 days. The point of this period of sobriety is to sit still and actually feel whatever I was trying to mask with the alcohol. Drinking made things seems so simple… I don’t give a shit about anything, I’ll say whatever to anybody and it makes me feel like my ‘situation’ isn’t a situation.

The truth is; I’m lonely. Which is normal I guess. But, I hate feeling like I am always available to other people, and other people aren’t available to me.

When did this happen?

I have a wonderful group of friends so I know that I’m not ‘alone’, but I guess I just didn’t realize how much of an adjustment single life would be. I was apart of a couple for most of my 20’s…. and now I am having to redefine and rediscover myself. I don’t think I really grasped the extent of that, hence the alcohol abuse…. Well, until now anyway.

I’m enjoying the time that I spend alone (most of the time). I feel like I am growing and searching to learn more about who this new me is and what I want out of life. Honestly, it’s hard…. It’s hard to sit still with your own thoughts, your own past, present and future with nothing blurring your view. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of distractions, but I’m trying to lean towards the non-destructive and non-life altering kind. It’s amazing how aware you become when just pay attention.

I’m a work in progress.

I find comfort in knowing that as traumatically painful and core-shaking as this experience has been, I know that I made the right decision for me and I will come out stronger, healthier and better because of it.

Everything happens exactly as it should…even when you think it shouldn’t.

Being single and fabulous is EXPENSIVE……

2010-02-05T16:36:00.002-05:00

As you all know, I’ve kinda been all over the place the last few months. Literally all over the place… NYC, Miami, Dallas, LA. Between this and the going out EVERY WEEKEND (and getting wasted) I have managed to run my credit cards right back up to where I started! :-/

I know, I know…. What the hell are you doing?

I had a bit of a reality check last weekend. I wrecked my car while I was driving…. A bit intoxicated and texting.

Good job genius.

I know. I don’t want to talk about it.

And now…. As I’m on the phone with the student loan people, I got another reality check.

After 5 years of deferments and forbearances I have to start paying that shit back too.

I know.

So I have to pull $500 out of my savings for my deductible to fix my poor little car AND I have to start sending Nelnet $167.55 as well.

I made almost $60,000 last year….. why am I still in debt??????

Reality check.

So, I have updated my debt tally and I’m going back to my budget. The good news is, once I get the deposit back from the house I will have over $4000 in savings for ‘emergencies’ so I won’t feel so inclined to use the plastic.

Seriously, being single is pricey!

I was doing so well before the breakup, because I had turned into a hermit. No that I am ALIVE again; I don’t know what to do with myself, so I do crazy things like buy everyone a round of patron shots.

Cause that sounds like a great idea.

I’m seriously shaking my head at myself.

Realistically, I can’t promise that I’ll stop going out. But I can promise, that I won’t drink and drive anymore and I will stop using my credit cards for dumb shit (like patron).

All that said, and I have a date tonight! :)

I’m not the kind of girl that will look the other way when the check comes…. But instead of offering to pay, I’ll just offer to go dutch.

Baby steps.

I’ll tell you more about her later. Let’s just say, this is going to be interesting. :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

I can FLY......

2010-02-04T13:07:00.003-05:00

Skydiving may be the most amazing, insanely cool thing that I have ever done!

It was terrifying, freeing and thrilling all at the same time. I LOVED it! The only problem now… is that I am looking for that ‘free-falling’ feeling again and I can’t seem to get it from anything else! I can’t even explain it. When I was sitting in front of the open door of the plane getting hit by the wind and staring down at the earth I got this adrenaline rush and a petrifying calmness… then all of a sudden my tandem instructor vaults us out of the plane and we are tumbling through the sky at a speed that I have NEVER felt. I literally felt like I was flying. For the first few seconds I don’t think I was even breathing… I was in shock! Once I regained my breath I screamed and yelled and cheered and just could not stop SMILING! It was just amazing… To let go of all control like that (and still be ok)… just amazing.

After we landed safely I promised myself that I was going to leave all my control issues and insecurities in the sky. Time for me to let go…. Things work out as they should, and I have to learn to trust that.

I want to do it again!

So from now on whenever I am down or sad… or just not feeling ‘it’… I’m gonna watch my skydive video and get high all over again!

Could this be Happiness…

2010-01-21T16:06:00.001-05:00

I have the most amazing friends in the world. Seriously. They make me forget that I am ‘supposed’ to be sad. Despite everything, I actually feel happy.

I spent last weekend in LA with G and one of my bestest guy friends who recently moved out there, we’ll call him W. He is the sweetest, most caring, true gentleman and best host ever. I would totally want to marry him if I was straight! I have not had that much carefree, ‘let it all out’, ‘leave all your problems behind fun’ in a good minute. The whole weekend was bonding with G and W, partying and seeing LA. It sounds silly, but I felt really connected to them both. They mean the world to me!

The motto of the weekend…

“Wish we could party all night and sleep all day and throw all of our problems away. Life would be easy…. Life would be easy!” :)

G and I actually wound up getting matching tattoos while we were out there. You guys know how much I love her, she is the best friend ever, so the tattoo is a small symbol of the connection we will always have. :) It’s a nautical star with a heart over the top of it. The nautical star symbolizes finding your way or finding your own path in life and of course the heart symbolizes the love that we share as ‘heart-sisters’. We both got it on our left sides, since that is the side that your heart is on. :) Cheesy, I know… but no matter where we are will always be together. :)

Unfortunately, the weekend had to end and I had to come back to work. Boo.

The good news is G and I are moving into our new apartment this weekend. The bad news is we procrastinated on the packing, so now it is a mad dash to get everything done. It is still very bittersweet. Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely thrilled to be cutting off all ties with N and officially moving on with my life, but it is still a lot to digest. It’s really truly over. BUT…. This also means I can start inviting girls over to the house without worrying that N will be home! :) Not that I have them lined up or anything, because trust me I don’t… but at least I can once I get that far!

Despite everything, I feel like I am in a good place and continuously moving forward to a better one. I’m still a little confused by what the hell I am going to do with my life and what the future will bring, but what 20something isn’t from time to time? I know that I am strong and I know that I am resilient and I KNOW that no matter how hard or how far I fall, I always get back up a better person.

Happiness according to Wikipidea:

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

I think I may be happy. :)

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be…

2010-01-07T17:07:00.001-05:00

Under this big smile, new hair cut and constant positivity, I can feel myself flailing…

I don’t know how else to explain it. I keep force feeding myself positive thoughts, ideas and energy hoping that at some point it will stay down. It’s not so much that I am sad, it’s more that I feel a little lost, confused and out of control.

G and I are moving out of the house that we share with N at the end of this month. My plans are to be completely moved to New York City by May. We are setup to sign a 4 month lease in our new apartment here until my big move to NYC. I have been searching and searching for a job in NYC and I have sent in well over 100 resumes and I’ve got nothing… not one single bite. It just hit me, just now… four months is NOT a long time, what the fuck am I going to do? G asked me a while back if I believed in my dream, I told her, I believe in it so much that it’s not a dream, it’s my reality. I’m trying really hard to hold on to that because the truth is, I honestly believed it when I said it. I’m in tears right now while I am typing this (at work) because I don’t know if I know how to hold on to it. And it’s not just the job thing that is holding me back… I am actually starting to enjoy myself here… just a little. As I start to get over the shock and pain of the heartache I don’t feel so inclined to run away. Don’t get me wrong I still lust after NYC, but I’m wondering where my motives come from. I am still finding my footing, but I realize how much I have here. My initial reaction was to get the fuck out of here as soon as humanly possibly, my heart is broken, my best friend is leaving the country, and my family doesn’t live here anyways…. Why would I stay? I guess I am realizing that regardless of where I live I am starting over… starting a new chapter, not just logistically speaking but emotionally as well. I think I fooled myself into thinking that if I moved to another city, my favorite city, I would be ok again.

God I hope I am only feeling this way because of PMS.

So at this point my first instinct is to extend our lease to 6 months; but doesn’t that make my ‘reality’ go back to being just a dream? Or am I being ‘responsible’ in a tough economic climate? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am capable of almost anything and I know that I can endure the weight of my fears… now I just have to figure out how to face them and move past them. Maybe this is a completely asinine explanation, but what if God put this fear in my heart because I need to stay here… at least for now?

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.

I think my biggest fear is the tinny, tiny possibility that NYC is just not written in my density…. But it’s not the ‘not being in NYC’ part that scares me, it’s the ‘what the fuck am I going to do with my life if I don’t have NYC as my new chapter’ part that really has me freaking out right now.

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be….. I really have to take this to heart and try to let go of the fear and let whatever will be, be… and stop flailing.

On another note…

Remember when G went Skydiving and I chickened out? Well, I’m done being a chicken! I signed up and paid… we are jumping on the 31st!

G mentioned it while I was at home for Christmas, that and I just kinda blew it off because, well, it’s terrifying. Then the other day I was posting this quote on Facebook from Marilyn Monroe, “We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” As I was typing it in my status box I thought, FUCK IT, Marilyn is so right, I’m just gonna to do it! I called up and paid that day…. It’s done, I’m gonna SKYDIVE!

I have some homework to do before the actual jump though…. This isn’t just me jumping out of a ‘perfectly fine’ plane; it’s about me standing up to my fears and saying FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T HAVE POWER OVER ME ANYMORE! (I’VE said fuck quite a lot today…. sorry… seems necessary!) I feel like I have to acknowledge all the things I am afraid of, upset about or just don’t have control over and accept whatever feelings I have over them, but then let them go; if I can jump out of a plane, I can most definitely do that.

I know skydiving is not going to make all my troubles go away, but it is making me be more deliberate and concise of my thoughts, feelings, intentions and actions….. And well, that’s a start.

Che sarà, sarà… what will be, will be.

How things change….

2010-01-05T17:46:00.001-05:00

This morning I woke up startled, sad and on the verge of tears for reasons unbeknownst to me. Ok, I’m sure it didn’t help that I woke up late because my stupid Blackberry is on the fritz again, but it was more than that.

I’m not really sure how to explain it… maybe Aunt Flo is on the way and that is contributing to these feelings. I just feel overwhelmed.

Maybe I should give you a little update since I haven’t written in months...
First…

N and I are so over we need a new word for over.

I still love her and this entire situation hurts my hurt, but I can’t go back- I can’t go back for sake of my own happiness, wellbeing and sanity. I just need more than what she can give. That doesn’t discount our relationship or make her a horrible person…. It just makes it over.

Second….

Apparently I was a caged animal that has just been let free. I have been partying like no one’s business! It is fun and liberating…. But I think I just realized that I really am using it as a façade to mask my hurt and pain. In the mist of this neurotic behavior I have managed to develop a crush on one of the least ideal women in this city! G says you can’t help who you like… I guess she is right, but I am still trying to figure out my motives. More about that later…

Third…

I am still seeing my therapist and she is really helping me to become aware of my patterns…. However, now I am trying to figure out what the hell to do now that I am aware AND how to shift my patterns to something/someone that is better for me.

So I’m sad and I’m hurt… but I know that I will be ok. I mean I REALLY, REALLY know that I will be ok (so don’t freak out Mom… I know you are reading this!) ..I’m excited and anxious to see what is going to happen next in my life, but I also know that there will be more mornings that I will wake up sad… and it’s ok, it’s a part of life and I can literally feel myself turning into a different person.

Happy New Year everyone! :)

All cried out…

2009-11-03T07:47:00.001-05:00

I’m sure there will be plenty more tears over N, but not anymore this morning. Why do I do this to myself? She has made it abruptly clear who she is and what she wants, why am I always so surprised?

It is soooooooooo hard to swallow. This is really it. There isn’t anything else.
So let me elaborate why I am so upset at 7am.

She just got home about 45 minutes ago. Yes, she got home at 6am.

I know it’s none of my business, we are broken up, and she can do whatever she wants.

My problem is this. Yesterday, she was hugging me and telling me how much she missed me.
Mind you the first altercation happened last week. She asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. I was actually considering going. Then I told her the only day I was free was this past Saturday. Her response, “its Halloween”. That was the end of the conversation. Yes it was Halloween, and her priority was to go hang out with friends and party it up. That is fine. But don’t tell me you miss me and you want to spend time with me. You had an opportunity to spend time with me and you made your decision. And that decision did not include me.
So after that incident I was annoyed. I’m mean this is who she is, right? So why am I surprised.
Fastforward to yesterday morning. Again, she is doing the “I miss you” thing. And me being the person I am, I say, “You can’t miss me that much, because you chose to hang out with your friends instead of going to the movies with me.” She responds with her signature dumbfounded look, “Well I had plans that day already.”

I’m glad to know where I fall in your priority list.

Then she goes on to say we can go sometime this week. Seriously? Don’t do me any favors. So I say to her, I don’t think we should, this back and forth isn’t working, and it just makes things harder. And that is the end of that conversation.

THEN

She comes home this morning at 6am. AT 6 FUCKING AM.

She has made it very clear. She doesn’t give two shits about me. I am so enraged I send her a text message when I hear her door close.

Are you just getting home? Seriously? I know it’s none of my business, but seriously?

She comes into my room and I just lose it. How can she possibly say she misses me and then stay out until 6am?? On a Monday night?? Are you doing sleepovers already? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK.

I ask her how she can at one point say she misses me and want to spend time with me and then pull some shit like that. She says she was watching football at a friend’s house and drank too much, so she slept on the floor. She says she is confused because yesterday I told her it wasn’t a good idea for us to hang out. I can’t even take that bullshit statement! I say you are an adult and you make your own decisions and this last sequence of decisions makes a few things very clear.
She can’t possibly be that stupid. I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to hangout because I am at the BOTTOM of your fucked up little priority list. I deserve better than that. Your response? Instead of trying to prove that I am at the top of your priority list you spend the night at someone’s house? Way to go there genius. You made yourself perfectly clear.
I scream and yell about not giving a fuck who her friend is that she stayed with…. That is beside the point, why would I believe anything she says anyways. I finally just say, you can do whatever you want, but please stop going back and forth with me with the “I miss you” and “let’s hangout” because CLEARLY you have made the decisions that you have made for a reason, so stop dragging me along. And that was it. End of the conversation and surprise, she had nothing to say.

You would think that I get it by now. This is it. There isn’t anything else.

I can barley take this anymore. I need to find a job in NYC like yesterday.

Patterns...

2009-10-31T23:30:00.001-04:00

So I have been seeing my therapist since September… and maybe I give myself too much credit, but I have always thought that I am a pretty smart girl. Well, maybe I am actually smart, but clearly I am blind.

How could I have not noticed these patterns in my life? My Father, N, my friends, work…. Every aspect of my life has a similar pattern. I somehow feel some short of responsibility over someone or something and I take over. Never fear… “Getting Close to 30” is here. To the rescue again. Always picking up the pieces of someone’s shit. Or trying to glue it back together for that matter. Who is picking up my pieces? Who is worried about gluing my pieces back together? This isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame. It is about recognizing my patterns. And understanding what roll I play in this mess.

I had an “Ah-Ha” moment when I was talking to my therapist about how annoyed I was with work. I had been working like CRAZY doing someone else’s job. I rationalized it because he had other stuff to do, and didn’t have time to cover everything. But what about the other shit I had to do? Is his stuff more important than mine?? Uh, No. Again, that sense of responsibility to jump to the rescue. And what the fuck do I get out of it? Absolutely nothing. Well, that’s not true I get to feel resentful and annoyed. Sound familiar?

There really isn’t anything to say about N. It’s over. We broke up. She will never be what I am looking for. I guess it is just really hard to accept that. Well, it’s not that hard, because she hasn’t even fought for me. Not really fought for me. She’ll randomly make comments like, “I miss you”. But that is it… then she goes out with her friends and stays out until the wee hours. She even asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. I told her the only day I was available was Saturday night… she was like, “oh, that’s Halloween.” WTF does that have to do with anything?? So going out on Halloween is more important than spending time with your ex-girlfriend whom you claim you want back?? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I get it now God, she’s not the one for me. Why though? Why can’t I have someone who loves me so much that they don’t mind forfeiting club time for time with me? Why can’t I have someone who is a responsible adult who will look for a stamp on an envelope before just throwing it in the mailbox? (Long story) I want someone who is going to match my drive and ambition. Someone I can depend on, and don’t have to be a “Mom” to. I guess somewhere back deep down beneath all the anger I do kinda wish N was that person…. But then my head goes, “Uh, Hello…. WAKE UP! You deserve someone who will fight for you”.

*Sigh*

How did I get here?

No Inhibitions…

2009-10-07T18:43:00.002-04:00

It has been a long while since I last posted.

I’m in Texas for work at the moment. This past weekend I was in Miami with CC for a mini vacation and the weekend before that I was in NYC with N.

About N… we have decided to separate for now. I don’t know where we are going, but for now we are taking a break. I love her, of course, but sometimes you have to think about what is right for both of you and not just what you “want” to happen in theory. I also started seeing a therapist since all this started. She is really making me reflect, not just about N, but about myself and why I am the way I am and what I can do to improve on me.

I get it; it is all a part of the process of growing up. But nobody told me how freaking hard it would be.

So my new goal is to live my life with no inhibitions. If I want to do something; I do it. If I want to move somewhere I am going, if I want to wear something; guess what? I’m gonna wear it. No reservations. And no clearing anything with anybody.

I had the most amazing time in Miami. Seriously, I felt like it was College spring break again (except I had more money this time!) We stayed out and partied ALL freaking night… well into the morning, then got up around 9am got dressed and laid out on the beach all day until about 6pm, then went home showered, got dressed and partied it up all over again. I can’t remember the last time I stayed out until 5am and had a BLAST the entire night. I will say that the alcohol helped- but hey, whatever works!

I am so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life; Thank you guys for your unconditional love and support.

You know it is funny that my blog is titled, “How did I get here”. Initially it meant, how did I get to this weight and how did I get into this debt. But now… it includes so much more. Seriously, how did I get here???

That’s it for now… talk to you guys again soon.

Love without instruction

2009-09-21T02:07:00.002-04:00

This is so hard to write about.

Maybe because it makes it real, and I really have to deal with it.

Long story short, my girlfriend cheated on me. Well, has been cheating on me. Cheated sounds like it was a one time occurrence.

I found out by accident. She left her phone on my dresser, she was in the bathroom. It was beeping and vibrating. I picked it up and looked at the message. We’ll call the girl “homewrecker”. I don’t remember what it said exactly, but baby stood out. Yep, baby. So I kept scrolling through the messages. It just got worse. Homewrecker writes, “I can’t believe it’s been 6 months. My girlfriend says… wait I need to rename her. .. I’ll call her N. N says, “ u satisfy me mentally and physically”, and there is some mention of me and adultery, but then N goes on to invite the homewrecker to her aerobics class the next day.

I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach again. That sick feeling. And the fucking tears again.
Anyways.

I walked into the bathroom where N was sitting on the toilet. All I could say is, “Who the fuck is homewrecker?” She played stupid for a few minutes, but then she realized she couldn’t lie her way out of it. Just a friend from school. REALLY? A friend from school that you are FUCKING??

So that is a recap of what happened a few weeks ago.

I still can’t really verbalize how I feel. I am hurt and disappointed and sad and pissed off, but at the same time, I am mad at myself. I feel so betrayed. I can’t explain in words how much I trusted her. It was unconditional. I never for a second thought that she would be capable for something like this. I put her in another category. The- "people that would never betray their girlfriend category."

Clearly I was wrong. Really, really wrong.

Who the fuck is this person that I have been with for the last 5 years of my life??

I think the worst part for is that number 1, it was a complete surprise, but maybe more important, number 2, I was unhappy before all of this. I swept it under the rug and hung on to her promises of a better future, of things changing and because I really thought things would get better. I mean after 5 years you are bound to have some bad times right? At least that is how I rationalized my feelings.

There are so many more details that I am leaving out. Remember that big fight we had over a month ago and I blogged about it here, yeah well, this is when I told her that I was unhappy where we were and we had to change, and she told me she loved me and she would work on it. That didn’t mean shit, because she was cheating on me then too. I actually had a long conversation with my Mom because I was so torn by this fight and I remember saying to her, “when did this become so hard, when did we become so different. Sometimes I just wish she was this awful person that just cheated on me so it would be easier for me to make the decision to walk away. She really is a wonderful girlfriend- we just have communication issues.”

As stupid as it sounds, I still love her so much, and I really, really truly wish that she would be the person that I needed.

Tears again.

Of course she apologized profusely and said it was the biggest mistake of her life and she would do anything to make it right again. She sent me flowers and sent me good morning and I miss you text messages.

I moved all her stuff out of our closest and moved her into the 3rd bedroom when she was out of town.

Yes, she sent me flowers at work. But other than that she hasn’t really said a word. We have had a few conversations, me saying how could you and her saying I'm sorry, but that is it. It almost seems like she doesn’t know how to fix it, so she does nothing. Well she does something; she drinks beer and watches football in her new bedroom while I sit downstairs with G, or sit in my room alone.

I think this weekend was a wakeup call for me. We were all invited to a friend’s 30th birthday party, although I did not want to go at all, I went anyway because I didn’t want G to go alone. N was invited as well, but she went to an old co-works game night instead.

Seriously.

She asked me if I wanted to go with her and I was like, uh, no… if I go anyway it will be to our mutual friends birthday party. She asked me if I wanted her to come with me. My answer? It’s whatever. Her reasoning for going to the game night instead of spending the evening with me… she was invited to game night first.

What are you, ten?

This is exactly the shit that I am talking about. She really doesn’t fucking get it. Or maybe she does and just doesn’t give a shit.

You broke my heart. You turned our whole relationship upside down, you say you want to fix it, but instead of spending time with me you decide to go to fucking game night?? Until after midnight?? Seriously? What kind of fucked up planet do you come from?

Maybe I am crazy or high maintenance. But if it was the other way around and I cheated on her and truly did want to stay with her and try to mend the relationship I would be where ever she was. All the time.

So what now?

That is a great question.

We have 8 months left in our lease. I am going through the motions. I’m not going to start any conversations with her or complain that she isn’t showing me any attention. I shouldn’t have to give her instructions on how to love me. After 5 years, she knows who I am.

My goal and what I am praying every night for is to get a job offer in New York City (a good job offer that will allow me to live in Manhattan). I have been sending resumes like crazy. I know it is going to happen. It is just a matter of when. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Until then I am praying for that job offer as soon as heavenly possible. Feel free to keep me in your prayers.

I am a strong, beautiful, very –very determined woman. I know I will be fine, I always am.

My world has been turned upside down…

2009-09-05T22:00:00.002-04:00

I’m not ready to write about it.

But it’s not good. I'm healthy, my family is healthy, no one is sick... but I feel broken.

I probabley won’t write for a while. Not until I can find the right words.

I don’t know when that will be.

Weigh-in Friday…

2009-08-28T09:42:00.003-04:00

196.6lbs

I’ve attempted to write a couple of times in the last couple of days, but for one reason or another I’ve gotten sidetracked and said, “I’ll do it later”

Accountability…. I know.

Probably part of the reason I haven’t been writing as much. It’s not as fun to write about eating crap, not working out and gaining weight, oh and being broke!

I am headed back in the right direction now. I think. Or at least, I want to.

I started working out again this week after not working out for 2 weeks.

I started back with a cardio kickboxing class… that wasn’t a good idea, I about died in that damn class. I worked out again on Wednesday… (I successfully ran a mile in 10 minutes!), and I worked out again last night.

But I have to be honest, I didn’t want to do it AT ALL.

Once I was at the gym and working out I was fine, but after I left I didn’t have that high that I normally get, it was more like dread thinking about doing it again the next day.

What is that about??

I have been buying more organic foods, so that is good, but newsflash to me, just because it is organic doesn’t mean that it doesn’t count!

I don’t even wanna talk about the finances. I’ll just say this, I got paid yesterday and I’m already broke!

I hate when that happens!!

With all of my trips coming up and miscellaneous stuff here and there the money is spent before I even get it!

Oh well.

I’ll be traveling to Florida for next week work , so I’ll probably be M.I.A. again for a little bit.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Maybe a litlle melodramatic...

2009-08-23T20:06:00.000-04:00

I think I'm over my crazy spell... at least for now! :-)

Seriously, I'm feeling much better. I just haven't had time to write because I've been working like CRAZY.

I'm actually about to go to sleep because I have to be at work at 3am. Yes, 3am.

Ugh.

Next week will be much better.

I'll have to update you on everything else later.

P.S. I weighed myself this morning... 196.8lbs. :-(
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This isn't a "cheery" post... just real life

2009-08-18T22:17:00.000-04:00

I know we all have our days... But my days seem to have turned into weeks.

Aunt Flo is a Bitch and so is all this emotional shit that she brings with her.

I know this is all way too much information- but HELLO, a big part of blogging for me is to be able to vent.

So here goes...

My alarm woke me up at 515am this morning (I had to be at work super early). I woke up feeling really sad... Maybe I dreamed something weird (I can't remember), or maybe it was because I had a long conversation with my Mom the day before. Either way, by the time I made it into the shower I was crying uncontrollably like a complete crazy person.

I miss my family so much. I just kept thinking about how much I have missed over the ten years that I have lived here. My sister is an adult and my Mom... my Mom is Happy. I know it sounds silly and dramatic ( maybe it's the hormones) but couldn't get it together this morning.

I get it... You are suppose to grow up and leave the nest, but what do u do when the nest is so fucking far that you can only afford (afford both time off of work and the $$ to get there) to visit once, MAYBE twice a year??

It was just My Mom, My Sister and Myself for so long; We grew really close- we had too, it was the only way to come out of my parents divorce with any sanity. Of course it wasn't always pretty, but my Mom is the most amazing person in the world- as cliche as is it to say, she truly was our rock. My sister was just a baby, 7 years old, but despite all the "earthquakes" today she is this beautiful, bright eyed young lady, that always sees the best in everything and everybody. Then when I left home at 17 to go to college in the U.S., the distance brought us even closer... But it also brought a lot of tears, heartache and passport stamps. (Ergo the hysterical tears in the shower this morning)

If I'm so miserable why do I still live here??

Again, Aunt Flo makes me a little nutty and irrational once a month- So I'm not always feeling this tormented and depressed.

But to Answer the question- LIFE HAPPENED.

Things have just gotten more and more complex as the years have past and moving back home isn't as simple as buying a one way ticket.

What about My girlfriend of almost 5 years, my friends, my job, all the crap I have accumulated over the years, debts, dreams of graduate school.... The list goes on and on.

I took my depressed ass to work at 6am and worked nonstop till about lunch time, when my girlfriend called me and guessed that something was wrong by the tone of my voice. Of course, tears again.

I finally had a chance to call my Mom around 3 in the afternoon- I got a busy signal, but a few seconds later my BB was ringing and it was my Mom. After a long conversation of spilling everything and My Mom saying all the right things (and tears again) I felt better- even after the crying induced headache and working since the crack of dawn.

When I got home... My girlfriend surprised me with flowers! :-)

Very sweet.

She said she didn't want me to be sad... And she knew flowers make me happy.

Life is such a roller coaster.

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Weigh-in Friday??

2009-08-15T12:03:00.002-04:00

Ok… it’s not Friday, but I didn’t forget about it- I’m just on strike!

I’ll weight in again next Friday, I promise!

I totally forgot to mention “Julie and Julia”… the last time I wrote.

I went to go see it last weekend with H. It was SOOOOOO good! I actually went out and bought Mastering the Art of French Cooking Volume 1 and 2 the next day (don’t worry, I got it on some crazy sale- I only paid $11.99!)

You should really go see it!

Anyways…

Here are those Badgley Mischka shoes I was telling you about…

Cute right?!

Well, after doing my budget for the month this morning (which I have updated on the left sidebar), I think I’ve come back to my senses. It’s not that I don’t want those beautiful things, I do, but it doesn’t allow me to reach my goal of getting out of debt and going on all these trips at the same time.

Especially after I just made a $935 payment to pay off credit card #1 again! I used it for my work trip and some other miscellaneous shit that I probably didn’t need.

You’d think I would have learned by now.

Whatever.

It’s paid off again, and I realized how important that zero balance is to me. So no Dior glasses or Bagdley Miskcha shoes.

I have no shame is saying that I will be hitting up Canal street in NYC though! A knock off for $30 bucks sounds like a good compromise to me! Ok- definitely not knock-off shoes (EVER), but a bag and some glasses won’t hurt!

I sound shallow, but I’m really not. Material things don’t bring you happiness, I get that. But it’s all so pretty! :-)

Anywho… with that said. I am really missing my family. So the money is better spent going to see them and doing things with them at home. I’m so excited about spending Christmas with them… can’t wait!!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Long time no write...

2009-08-13T11:42:00.000-04:00

Not blogging can mean a couple of things.

1. I'm pmsing and too bitchy to write

2. I'm up to no damn good

In this case it's both.

I'm in Texas for work again... And the expense account means eating crazy just because I can. Plus I haven't worked out since last friday (after I found out that I worked my ass off and then gained a pound)

Whatcha gonna do?

Last night after consuming 3 cosmos in the company of a few of the chefs, I ate filet migon with asparagus and had the most amazing bread pudding made with croissants, dark chocolate, and banana. Yum!

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I've been having this incredible urge to shop. With that said, I managed to get a ride to the outlet mall here yesterday. They had an Off 5th, and a Neiman Marcus Last Call.

I was in nirvana.

Ok, it wasn't exactly the newest stuff, but who cares?! I wasn't buying anything (well- a couple of shirts on sale at banana republic, but that's not the point) I found these fabulous Badgley Mischka heels- nude (with a slight pink tint) peep-toe, with a knot/bow thingy on the toe. Beautiful! (I'll post a photo later.)

That was just the beginning.

Dior Sunglasses (really cute!) for $129 (not bad, right?)

And then I made my way to the shoe department in Neiman Marcus.

Oh. My. Lord.

I didn't know I was such a label whore!

Manolo Blahnik, Louboutin, Prada, Gucci, Dior... I couldn't believe it! I saw Louboutins for $299!! They were a size 6 and I would never be able fit them (I'm a size 10)- but $299!? And Prada for $180?!

Of all the things I saw, I kinda wish I had gotten the Dior glasses.

I guess I have gotten too responsible. I couldn't bring myself to swipe my Amex (the only credit card I kept for work).

When I get back home I am going immediately to our Neiman Marcus Last Call to see what goodies I can find!

*Sigh*

I told my girlfriend yesterday, after my shopping experience, that after our Europe trip next year, I am going to continue to the save $200 a month and call it a "shopping fund".

Good idea, right??

Ok- tired of typing on my Blackberry. I'll be home on friday.

Until then!

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Weight loss challenge conclusion…

2009-08-08T11:15:00.000-04:00

This is BULLSHIT!

193.6 lbs

Explain to me how I gained a pound?!

Total Calories out: 11,099
Total Calories in: 7,231
Calorie Deficit: 3868

1 pound= 3500 calories. TECHNICALLY, I should have lost a pound.

You think it is just simple math, calories out greater than calories in and, ta-da you loose weight!

Nope.

Yes, I know Aunt Flo is on the way, but COME ON.

Clearly Jillian is right. Hormones play a major role in your weight loss.

I’ve been reading her book, Mastering your Metabolism she talks about her own struggle with weight loss in her earlier years and what she learned from going to an endocrinologist. Basically her hormone levels were all out of whack which why she had a hard time loosing weight. Here theory is that the foods we eat and our enviorment have so much artificial crap in them that our bodies don’t know what to do with them and it throws our hormones off; which is why she is so hardcore about eating organic whenever possible.

Obviously when a woman has her menstrual cycle her hormones are thrown for a loop.

Hence the weight gain this week.

I still think it is bullshit.

Whatever.

I am not quitting. But if I don’t loose next week, I am going to be pissed.

This is Bullshit.

Weight loss challenge day 4… and day 5…

2009-08-07T16:08:00.001-04:00

Where to start… hmmm…

Well. First I’m feeling extremely bloated. This means that b***h Aunt Flo is on her way again. This is not good for the scale.

Oh, and I know today is Weigh-in Friday, but since the weight loss challenge goes through today, I am planning to weigh myself tomorrow morning.

My beloved Angel M….to make a long story short, I did this challenge by myself. She only logged her calories for 1 ½ days and only worked out twice this week. What can I say? I can only motivate her so much. Shit, I still have to find motivation for myself! I love her dearly and of course I support her 100%, but she’ll come around when she is ready. Health and weight loss is very personal, and everyone has to make the decision on there own to commit to it.

For those of you who are new to my blog, I am not one to hold my tongue. AT ALL.

However, I’ll take my bitch factor down just a little and not yell at her…. That wouldn’t help anyways! The truth is- I can’t even complement her on trying, because she didn’t try. I am by no means perfect, and I could have done better this week myself, so it’s not about that. It just a little disappointing because I know how strong she is and how easily she could have completed the challenge if she tried. But in reality, I have been there too and I know, it doesn’t matter what anyone says. So my plan is to back off a little, but encourage her to be healthy.

So anyways…

Today is the last day of the challenge!

I have a extra challenge ahead of me this evening. I am going to dinner and a movie with H.

Yikes!

Ok, it’s not that big of a deal… but lets be real, even when you make good food choices at a restaurant, you are still not 100% sure what goes in it to create the final product. I’m gonna take my chances! I’m hitting the gym before dinner, so that should definitely help.

Oh, guess what I’m going to see?? Julie and Julia! I’m so excited. I read the book a while back, so I am looking forward to it!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!!

Weight loss challenge day 3….

2009-08-05T21:15:00.000-04:00

Woot Woot! Only 2 days left to go!

Calories were a little bit on the high side today… 1500, but it is still within my limits. I was not feeling the gym either, but I went and did my hour of cardio. I had intended on going to kickboxing, but I got to the gym early and did my hour of cardio (elliptical 45 minutes, and stairs 15 minutes- trying to give my shins a break) and was pooped so I went home.

I’m meeting M at the gym tomorrow, so I’ll get a another good workout in.

Completely random…

Grey’s Anatomy season premier is September 24!! Woooooo! I can’t wait!

Have a good night everyone!

Weight Loss challenge Day 2…

2009-08-04T21:13:00.000-04:00

I have ice on my shins….

It hurts. Ugh.

I guess I am running incorrectly or something. It’s weird, because when I am running or working out or whatever it doesn’t hurt, but when I stop I get these shooting pains up my shins. I iced them yesterday too, so maybe that will help a little.

We’ll see how it feels tomorrow…but don’t worry I WILL get my hour of cardio in!

I’m doing well with my calorie intake- 1450 today. I had a major sweet tooth at work today, but I made due with dry cereal, fruit loops to be exact!

I got in another hour and 15 minutes of exercise today. I did Cardio Kickboxing and then ran a mile on the treadmill (hence the ice). It was a good workout nevertheless… I burned 650 calories!

Tomorrow is day three… the week is almost over, and I am feeling GOOD!

Weight Loss challenge day 1….

2009-08-03T21:36:00.000-04:00

Today is day one of the fitness challenge for M and I!

Wooooo Hooooooooo!

Ok, maybe it’s not that exciting, but the 5 day challenge is off to an excellent start! :-)

We are both logging our calories in sparkpeople.com and sticking to our limits.

I did Jillian’s 30 day shred DVD this morning, and I went walking/jogging with G this evening. Total about an hour and 15 minutes of exercise today… not too shabby, I’m ahead of the game!

Wish me luck at work tomorrow

Weigh-in Friday…

2009-07-31T12:21:00.003-04:00

First I have to say I almost titled this post, “I ran 2 miles yesterday just to spite a Meat-head”…. Lol, I’ll elaborate in a minute.

Ok- down to business!

Weigh-in results are….

192.8

Woot woot! (I’m doing the happy dance in my chair at work!)

I really can’t believe that I lost this week! I honestly haven’t been trying my hardest. I work out twice this week, ate pound cake that I made for my girlfriends parents and ate potato chips for lunch a work (on multiple days).

Again…. Imagine if I really, really tried!

So, back to the Meat-head at the gym.

I met M again at the gym yesterday after work. Neither one of us was feeling it AT ALL! But we got our asses on the treadmill anyway. We started off slow walking at 3.5 for about 7 minutes… after that I convinced myself to run a mile. And I did! (go me!) Anyways, I had just finished running and I was walking to bring my heart rate down before getting into sprints when this big- no huge, buff, ripped, muscle-head douche-bag comes over to my treadmill. (Mind you, there are several treadmills free on the other end of the gym)

Douche-bag: *standing to the left of the treadmill with his arms folded across his massive cheast*
Douche-bag: Hey- uh, how much longer you gonna be on that machine? You know there is a 20 minute limit.
Me: *eyebrows raise- with a facial expression saying, SERIOULSY?*
Me: There are a couple of machines free down on the end.
Douche-bag: I need to use this machine- it is the only one that goes up to 11.0
Me: All the machines are identical?!
Douche-bag: Well, I prefer to use this one.
Me: Well, you’ll just have to wait then *Bitch smile* (you know the one I’m talking about- a grin, with a slight tilt of your head)
Douche-bag: *looks at his friend with a dumb expression like- "did she just say that to me?”*
Me: I’ll be about 15 more minutes. *and with that I put my headphones on and crank the treadmill back up to 5.8 and start running*

During this ridiculous conversation M finishes her workout on the treadmill and gets off- Meat-head continues to stand by my treadmill as someone else gets on hers.

M is so funny, she is sitting on the row machine next to my treadmill while she waits for me, and Meat-head is still standing there bitching and moaning like a 5 year old. She finally says to him, “she’ll be done in a minute.” He replies with, “What goes around comes around.” M looks at him like- WTF, and she says shaking her head, “She doesn’t even know you!”

I had no intention of running another mile, but once I starting going I was running just to spite him. I’m sorry, but there are better ways to speak to people if you want something. I can understand if all the treadmill were full and there was an actual wait, but COME ON DOUCHE-BAG, GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY!! And as G said when I told her, “Get off the steroids dude!”

Next time I see him at the gym I’ll have to thank him!! Because of him pissing me off I ran 2 miles!! Ok, I had a little break in between, but so what; I still ran 2 freaking miles!

After all of that, M and I got on the Elliptical. I think she stayed mostly just to take out some of her aggression towards the Meat-head! Haha! She only stayed for 10 minutes, but I continued for 30 minutes. Believe it or not, after that I got back on the treadmill (no, not the same one!) and ran 30 second sprints; 7.5, 8.0, 8.5, 9.0 and back down again. 9.0 is hard as hell!! I got a kick ass workout…. Thanks to the Meat-head!

While we were at the gym, M and I agreed to a weight-loss challenge. It will start on Monday and go through Friday. We both have to get a minimum of 1 hour of hardcore exercise each day and we have to count calories EVERY SINGLE DAY. I will get 1400 calories per day, and M will get 1200-1400 calories per day (because she weighs 20lbs less than me). We are also going to exchange sparkpeople.com logins and recruit our girlfriends to monitor us.

Sounds fun!

Not so much.

But I am going to do it…. What’s 5 days anyways? Wish me luck! :-)

As far as my financial diet, well, I have a lot going on. But I did get paid yesterday!

I’ve got three trips in the works; NYC in September with my girlfriend, Miami in October with cotton club, and Home for Christmas.

I setup a special “travel savings” account, just so things don’t get out of hand. I also included the trips in my forecasted budget- so it is all very doable, especially since I am using frequent flyer miles for NYC and Home!

AND

I increased my direct deposit to my Euro travel savings account to $200 a month (I was doing $150 before)! I am on a roll! I’ll be updating my financial status on the left sidebar today.

I LOVE having things to look forward too! What do you have to look forward too??

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Ugh...

2009-07-28T11:26:00.000-04:00

I shouldn’t be blogging right now because I have a ton of work to do. I just found out some big news at work, but it means a shit-ton of work for me. I can’t really go into detail, but it is a BIG change in our business.

AND

I also found out that we supposedly have a “surprise” auditor coming tomorrow.

Not good.

Well, auditors are generally not good, but tomorrow, it is extra horrible, because my girlfriend is graduating from college tomorrow.

I am scheduled to be off tomorrow, but now I’m gonna have to come to work for a few hours and then try to escape in time to make the graduation.

It always happens like this, I go weeks without shit to do at work, bored out of my mind, and then everything comes crashing in at the wrong damn time!I mean my girlfriend is graduating tomorrow!! And let me tell you, it has been a LONG journey!! I am so proud of her though- she is the first person in her family to have a degree. This is a big freaking deal! There is no way I am going to miss it!

Ok, I have to cut my venting short…. No more time for procrastinating.

Friday Weigh-in…

2009-07-24T09:40:00.000-04:00

195.4

Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

I super excited that I lost this week! Just imagine what would happen if I actually tried?

I didn’t eat quite as well as I should have but I did hit the gym and run outside several times this week.

On Wednesday I finally made it back to kickboxing. I loath ab workouts and strength training, so I usually leave the class when the hyper instructor tells us to get our mats and weights. This time instead of just going home after the class I hoped on the treadmill and ran an 11 minute mile! (I was trying to make up for the Lo mein I ate the night before!)

(random note: I’m getting good at my 11 minute mile! I think I am going to do one more week at 5.8 then the next week I am going to up it to 6.0 mph, which will be a 10 minute mile- wish me luck!)

Yesterday, after work M and I went to the gym for a quick cardio workout. She only had 30-45 minutes to workout so I made it worth her while! We started with running a mile… see hasn’t been running, so she ran about 5 minutes then walked at an incline. Once we were done with that we upped our incline to 5 for 1 minute then 7 for 1 minute. THEN we did sprints. Oh how I love sprints. Ugh. We did 30 second sprints with 1 minute breaks in between. We started at 7.0 mph and worked our way up in .5 increments to 8.5 then back down again. By the time we got to the last sprint we were pooped! But it was a good 40 minute workout!

I want to do better this week, so I am going to give it a shot. I’m going to do my best to record what I am eating and record my workouts as well. Cross your fingers!!

I’ve got to stop bullshitting and get rid of this weight. I’m still working on finding my happy medium, when I find it, I’ll let you know!

Have a wonderful weekend!!

Happy Monday!

2009-07-21T10:22:00.002-04:00

Okay, I realize that today is not Monday, but today is MY Monday so….. HAPPY MONDAY! :-)

I had an awesome weekend. SATC binge with my bestest Gay boyfriend RS, and a nice relaxing, quiet Monday at home alone ALL DAY! (I love those days!)

Anyways, I don’t have much time to write today, I have mucho work to do today and I am already late getting started!

Just wanted to let you guys know that I have a new eBay listing up. Please check it out! The link is in the sidebar to the left. (or just click here) It's a Sex and the City trivia game... so much fun for any fans out there. I'm a horrible friend with a bad memory, and I bought it for RS's birthday and completely forgot that he already had it!! I already have it too, so no point in keeping it! In case you are wondering I got him this instead....

I’m gonna post some more things for sale later this week… I need to make some extra cash for our NYC trip. (Did I mention that I am also going to Miami with my Cotton Club girls?? I’ll tell you more about that later!)

Have a wonderful Tuesday everyone!

Weigh-in Friday…

2009-07-17T10:38:00.001-04:00

196.8

I can live with that.

I’ve teetering around this number for a while… I’m kind over it now.

This week has be pretty descent as far as working out. I did Jillian’s 30 day Shred DVD on Monday morning and again Tuesday morning, then Monday evening I did the elliptical (only for 30 mins- I was feeling pitiful) Tuesday evening I did Cardio Kickboxing, then yesterday I ran a mile with G before work.

This is way too much info. But Aunt Flow has finally made her grand appearance, so I’m hoping to come back down to “normal” and get rid of this damn weight!

I’m happy to announce that my financial diet is doing better than my weight loss diet. Although, I am not going to make quite as big of a payment to credit card #5- it will still be over $1000. Which is always excellent. I’ll be updating my financial status on the left side bar at some point today.

The reason, I’m not paying as much on my credit card this month is because I am planning to take my girlfriend to NYC for her birthday at the end of September (this is also the reason I haven’t been blogging lately- looking for lodging in NYC is VERY time consuming!). The plane tickets are free (well $35 each for taxes and fees) thanks to some frequent flyer miles I forgot about. So we just have to pay for lodging and what every activities we partake in. I know it is 2 months away, but I am sooooo looking forward to it! I ♥ NYC!

In case you are wondering, my girlfriend and I made up. PMS and two very, VERY different personalities sometimes cause little earthquakes…. But nothing that we can’t fix with a little time and understanding. *sigh*

Well, I hope everyone has a fabulous Friday and a wonderful weekend!!

Operation sweat my hair out is now complete….

2009-07-13T09:52:00.023-04:00

Yep, I went running on Saturday (ran a mile, walked 1½ miles). Then on Sunday I walked 2 miles (and got caught in torrential downpour and was soaked- further messing up my hair.)

This morning I got up a little early and did my 30 day shred DVD with Jillian Michaels. It is only a 20 minute workout- but it is pretty intense!

I wish I could report a fun and crazy weekend, but I spent most of the time fighting with my girlfriend. And I don’t really want to talk about, because I’m not sure what to say yet.

Oh wait- that’s a lie! I went to dinner with the Angels on Friday night- how could I forget! I got to se B and her little pregnant self. So freaking adorable! We chit-chatted for hours oohhing and ahhhhing over all the baby details (and of course mucho belly rubbing!).

That was the highlight of the weekend… it just went down from there.

I spent a lot of time blog surfing over the last few days, and I have found some very, very cool fashionistas blogging about everything from their careers to fashion and make-up to shoe collections and love and many other things. It kinda made me feel a little envious.

I’m absolutely in awe that there are real life Sex and the City characters that live their life like I’ve seen in movies. I’m talking bicoastal living, destination weddings, AMAZING collections of shoes, clothes, make-up and jewelry, one of a kind pets, restaurant hopping, car services… the whole nine.

The shoe wardrobes are what really got to me. We are talking hot, HOT designer shoes that I have never so much as even tried on.

These ladies really have it going on and it really makes me what to be there as well.

One day I want to be blogging about living in NYC in my awesome Chelsea apartment, with my fabulous shoe collection, amazing career, flawless body, perfectly manicured nails, loving girlfriend, amazing friends and family that visit all the time- and loving every second of it.

Until then, I’ll just have to blog about what I want…

Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with my life- flaws and all (most of the time) but a girl can’t help but dream.

Just a few things that I lust over....

Anyways, I am going to try to not wallow in self-pity and have a productive day at work. I'll dream about Prada, Valentino and Christian Louboutin- OH MY. (yes I am chanting from the wizard of oz- so what!)

I’ll be heading to the gym tonight to take out some of my frustration.

Have a wonderful Monday everyone.

“When real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep walking”

2009-07-10T14:56:00.002-04:00

Leave it up to me to quote from Carrie Bradshaw. This is from the episode- “The Real Me” when Carrie is asked to be a “real person model” in a hot NYC fashion show. She winds up being “fashion road-kill” when she trips on her stilettos and falls face first on the runway in front of all her peers (and the annoying photographer).

Anyways- I watched this episode last night and it got me thinking.

I have to keep going. I have to pick up my ever-spreading ass off my comfy Ikea chair and get back on the bandwagon.

Shit happens.

Get over it all ready.

So tomorrow, I am going to sweat my hair out with some hardcore cardio. (I promise this time)

Wish me luck.

On a completely random note, I am SICK of staring at my weight-loss tracker every time I click on my url. So I’m moving it to the bottom of the page- at least that way it isn’t the first thing I see.

Oh I almost forgot- I have a new follower- AmericanTribal. That makes 6 followers!!
Thanks everyone for reading!

Have a FABOULUS weekend everyone.

Why do we sabotage ourselves?

2009-07-09T15:49:00.000-04:00

I’m not sure what is going on with me lately (other than the pms), but I am feeling extremely rebellious. My life is consumed with trying to keep a healthy diet and exercise- and figuring out ways to save money and pay off my debt.

Anyways, I said all that to say- I’m not weighing in tomorrow.

I don’t care.

Ok- I do care, but I don’t care to know how much I have gained this week.

And instead of feeling bad about it, I’m just not gonna look.

I’m writing this week off all together, and I will be back in the gym on Saturday (pinkie swear!).

I don’t know how to explain it. I haven’t been to the gym at all this week- the only thing I have been doing is watching Sex and the City and eating. I’ve given in to every craving I’ve had this week- Chinese food, pizza hut pizza, twizzlers, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, mint chip ice cream, frozen Margaritas (which later turned in to shots of tequila), risotto… and the list goes on.

G asked if I wanted to go jogging with her around the neighborhood in the morning before work-My excuse; I just straightened my hair and don’t want to mess it up.

The worst part is I have no remorse for my unproductive behavior.

Whacha gonna do… shit happens.

Back to golf balls…

2009-07-07T13:55:00.001-04:00

This is completely random, but I wanted to share. RS sent me this foward this morning. I tend to get wrapped up in miscellaneous shit… so this is one that hit home for me.

**FYI: I’m pmsing big time. I shouldn’t be allowed around other human beings- I sat in my room for the last 2 days watching seasons 1-3 of Sex and the City- the only time I left the house was to get twizzlers and ice cream. Ugh.**

**P.S. My girlfriend must really love me.**

Anyways…. Here is the forward…..

Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was…

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed...

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your fri ends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18...

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Friday Weigh-In…

2009-07-03T15:51:00.001-04:00

194.2

Boooooo!

I only lost ½ a pound!

I should have expected that though… seriously, remember the doughnuts? (and that was only the beginning!)

I have been doing pretty well as far as working-out- I have been to the gym everyday since Tuesday, and I am going to go after work today as well.

I’m getting used to pushing myself…. Like yesterday, I walked a mile at 5.0 incline then I ran a mile at 5.8 mph- then I did a set of 5 sprints at 7.0 mph, 8.0 mph and 8.5mph for 30 seconds each. I was absolutely drenched when I was done… but that is kinda the point! In a couple of weeks I’ll be running a mile with no problem then I’ll have to increase it to 2 miles!

** Completely random- but, after the gym yesterday G and I went to the movies to see “My Sisters Keeper”… Oh my GOD! We were both sobbing by the end of the movie. It was very emotionally draining… but it was a great movie. Just make sure you bring tissues if you go see it! **

I made some changes to my financial status on the sidebar-the bank is holding my ten grand, so I have to wait to pay off the two credit cards. However, I officially have my emergency fund fully funded. And I am on my way to being DEBT FREE! Woo hoooo!!

(Great thing about July is I’ll get paid THREE times instead of the normal two! That will help tremendously!)

G is going skydiving with RS tomorrow- yep I totally chickened out! I’ll be chilling at the pool with my girlfriend waiting to hear from them!

I hope everyone has an AWESOME Independence Day weekend!

Updates…

2009-06-30T13:07:00.002-04:00

Financial diet…

Today is the last day of the month, so I thought I should update my financial status. Things turned out a little better than I had hoped because I finally go the extra 8 hours of pay for Memorial Day…. Extra money is always wonderful!!

More good news… I will have my emergency fund fully funded by pay day this Thursday.

Also, I finally took the time to consolidate some of my debt. I got a fixed rate 9.8% credit card from my credit union- so I am in the process of paying off credit card #2 and #3, since they had the highest interest rate (13.61% and 19.99%).

**random thought- I had to go to the credit union yesterday to pick up a $10,333 check (with my name on it-Holly shit!)- So that I could deposit it in my checking account and pay off my credit cards. For a second I thought about all the things I could do with the money if I just ran away. (Major shopping spree, multiple vacations… etc.) But then I decided I couldn’t run too far with 10 grand, so I just went to my bank and deposited it! lol :-)**

I have updated everything in the side bar to reflect these changes. I have some big balances to knock out now, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel so I feel good about it!

On to my “weight-loss diet”….

I haven’t been to the gym since…

…Since I don’t remember when. Let me look it up….

Okay, I haven’t been to the gym since last Wednesday.

Ugh.

That is no good!

I only had a one day weekend, and after work yesterday I was sooooo exhausted I went home and got in the bed. The gym was the last thing on my mind.

I plan on going to the gym tonight and every night for the rest of the week. So hopefully things will balance out!

I don’t want to talk about food. I have discovered something though- when I eat crap, I usually feel like crap too. I physically feel heavy and lethargic.

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now.

Whatever! Today is a new day! :-)

One last update…

I hung out with my little this past Sunday. We went to go see Transformers.

I’ll just say that it was very interesting. *Lol*

She talked a little more, but I didn’t expect too much, especially since this is our first time hanging out together. She seems to be a good kid though.

I picked her up from her house… where she lives with a shit-ton of people. Seriously. It was a full house…. The uncle, the “Dad”, 2 brothers, 2 sisters, Mom, Grandma, Great Grandma…. Only thing that was missing was a dog or two.

If anything I’m sure she was a least happy to get away for a little bit.

After the movie- I told her I was giving her homework… she has to come up with at least one activity that she wants to do with me. A little while after I dropped her off, she sent me this text message….

“I want to go to the mall”

Lol… we are going to have to work on her texting- etiquette. So I guess our next outing will be to the mall.

My kind of girl! ;-)

I hate to cut it short (you know how I love to ramble)… but I have to get back to my slave labor for the day.

I hope everyone has a fabulous Tuesday!

Friday Weigh-in

2009-06-26T10:06:00.001-04:00

194.8

Sweet!

Slowly but surely the pounds are falling off!

After the last 2 weeks I have had, I’m a happy with this number. I am going to push to get out of the 190’s.

I think it is time for me to set a new goal.

I want to get down to 188 lbs by Friday, July 17th.

That gives me 3 weeks to loose 6.8 pounds.

I can totally attain this goal! No problem.

Before I go any further, I have to acknowledge my weakness for food. I need to understand why I binge.

Confession….

I ate not 1 doughnut, not 2 doughnut, but THREE doughnuts this morning!

Seriously? What is my deal?

I need to promise myself, that when I have a craving for something not to deny myself… because when I deny myself I do stupid shit like this!

Now that I got that off my chest I can move on towards my goal.

Happy Friday everyone! Hope you have a fabulous weekend!

Michael Jackson's music was the soundtrack to my generation...

2009-06-25T23:13:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to pay my respects to the King of Pop...

May you rest in peace.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Skydiving….

2009-06-25T11:14:00.001-04:00

Yes, I am volunteering for the Big Brother/Big Sister program.

Me.

Sporadic, crazy, control-freak that I am; I am volunteering to be mentor.

When the match coordinator called me to tell me that they found me a little, he told me a little be about her... she has had quite a past at such a young age. Her hobbies are talking on the phone and texting, her favorite food is hot wings, she’s an A and B student… and she is shy.

Sounds easy enough.

I met my little on Monday. She is an eleven year African-America girl, we’ll call her JJ.

Our first meeting was supervised by the match coordinator. We had to do some icebreakers and fill out an info sheet on each other. Maybe it is just the age, and the pressure of the first meeting with me. But the conversation went something like this…

Me: Are you as nervous as me?
JJ: No
Me: * nervous smile with a stupid giggle*
Me: So JJ, what do you like to do?
JJ: I don’t know
Me: Hhmm, well what do you do all day now that you are on summer break?
JJ: Nothing
Me: Do you have any hobbies?
JJ: No
Me: * nervous smile with a stupid giggle*

So maybe this will be a little tougher than I imagined! I know it will take time to develop our relationship… I just am trying to figure out what in the world to do with her!?

So at the end of our first meeting we decided I would pick her up on Sunday for us to hang out. I asked her what she wanted to do, guess what she said? Yep. I don’t know. Lol… too cute!

I sent her a text message on Tuesday (since she likes to text) saying…

“It was nice meeting u and ur Mom yesterday! Would u like 2 go 2 the movies when I pick u up on Sun.? If so, is there anything u want to see?”

Six hours later she responds with this…

“transformers”

I was literally laughing out loud.

This is going to be interesting.

I’m totally looking forward to it though. I have a feeling I am going to learn a lot from this kid!

On to Skydiving…

R, my gay boyfriend is going freaking skydiving for his birthday (which is coming up the first week of July). He has a big group of friends going. G is even going! Seriously, G is going it’s already confirmed! I kinda do want to do it, but I am TERRIFIED! I think it will be an awesome experience, especially to share with a group of great friends… but seriously? SERIOUSLY??

And of course it’s not free… it’s $139 for the jump and then $90 for the video/pictures of the jump.

So we are talking $229 to JUMP OUT OF A PLANE!

** I just spent $200 on shoes and a dress- and for the record the shoes nor the dress could possibly kill me, so I am definitely keeping them both!**

Ugh.

I. don’t. know.

I have until Tuesday to decide. Right now I don’t think I am going to do it.

What do you think? Should I jump out of a perfectly good plane with a stranger attached to my back??

We shall see!

The last week and a half….

2009-06-23T14:07:00.002-04:00

First my birthday…

I am freaking 27 years old!!

It’s so weird. I mean I know I’m an adult (and have been for a while) but I’m soooooo close to 30! I’m not afraid of 30 or anything. I just don’t feel ready for 30. It just seems so… official. Does that make any sense?

Seriously- I have 3 more years to go, so maybe I’ll grow up in that time??

Anyways…

The beach was amazing! I know I said that already, but it really was!

We drove down on Friday Morning. I drove C’s car with C and D and my Girlfriend drove her car with G and H.

*Completely random- but my girlfriend and I do not have the same taste in music AT ALL, so it’s best that we didn’t ride 4 hours together! I’m Frank Sinatra, and Beyonce and she is Shaba Ranks and “Ghetto sing-a-longs” (as I like to call them- you know what I am talking about)*

So anyways, we got down to the beach around noon and checked in and got the keys to our beach house. The house was literally right next to the beach. We had an awesome view of the ocean from the upstairs deck and an outdoor shower…. It was really cute!

Once K and R made it to the house we grabbed some food and then headed out to the beach. It was so freaking hot! So of course we had to bring the umbrellas for the black girls (sorry if I am offending anyone! It’s a bad joke that we have… I love being in the sun. My girlfriend, G and C insist on shade-lol. FYI- I absolutely wear sun block- 70spf on my face and 45spf on the rest of me every 2 hours!) You should have seen us trying to get those damn umbrellas up! You wouldn’t think it’s that complicated! By the end of the weekend we finally had it figured out… but wind still tried to flip it up a couple of time. Too funny!

Saturday was my birthday. G and I got up and went jogging on the beach. It was actually fun and I got a good workout in. I needed that workout too because H made me a chocolate cake and it was delicious! My friends are so cute they had everything setup when we got back from the beach that morning. My girlfriend got me an awesome Polar heart rate monitor that I have been looking at. C got me Jillian’s book “Master your Metabolism” (because she’s knows I’m a little obsessed with her right now!), G got me some gardening tools (which came in handy when setting up the beach umbrellas!!) a bracelet and some cute candles, H and K and R both got me Target gift cards. They are all so sweet.

It really was a good birthday!

**until G turned into a raging pmsing monster! (Love you G!) Seriously, I was pmsing too and didn’t know it- it was just a bad combination! **

I’m going to skip over the part were I got completely trashed (by accident) on champagne and cosmos and wind up puking and crying after a game of Phase 10. I don’t remember much of it anyways!

NEXT…

After my fabulous birthday weekend I had to hop on a plane to Texas for work. It was uneventful for the most part.

***Oh- expect for this one really discussing random thing. I found out that I am grossly allergic to pears. One of the dishes we had to prepare was this poached pear salad. We had a couple of pears that we didn’t need and I was starving so I cut a couple slices off and ate while I was working. I immediately started feeling weird and oddly nauseous . I’m thinking, “oh. Shit. I can’t be allergic to pears too!” Long story short, I didn’t make it to the bathroom, so I puke into a trashcan in the empty conference room. I know, I know. That is so gross and way too much information, but I had to share because it is so freaking weird!***

****I really need to work on my random sporadic thoughts!****

Anyways… back to Texas…

I did workout in the hotel while I was there. I did an hour of Cardio on 2 out of the 4 days I was there. But I didn’t write down anything that I was eating. Better than nothing I guess!

So that is what my last week and a half was like. Another year older… and already back to work. Boo.

My Mom got back from her vacation today, so I finally got to talk to her. I seriously have the best Mom ever. :-) I can’t wait to see them.

I do have some very important news to share, but I will have to share tomorrow, because I actually have to do some work now.

It involves the Big Brother/Big Sister program and Skydiving.

And no the 2 are not related, I think you have to be 18 to jump out of a perfectly fine plane. :-)

Confessions…

2009-06-22T18:51:00.003-04:00

First, I finally weighed myself.

197.6

no comment.

Second, I went shopping yesterday.

Shoes and a dress. (really, really cute I might add)

Third, I’ve been eating whatever I want. Like yesterday I had full fat Haagen Dazs Mint Chip Ice cream, and then I had popcorn for dinner. I’m not even going to discuss what I ate when I was out of town for work or at the beach!

I did better today. I went to the park and ran a mile and walked 2 miles then and I had Chipotle for dinner (burrito bol-yum!).

I think that is all the confessions for now.

Oh wait. And I really miss my Mom and Sister. I mean I always miss them, but I haven’t talked to my Mom all week because she is on vacation with her boyfriend. And I have been talking to my sister like everyday since she is at home by herself and that makes me miss her even more. :-( I am planning a trip to go home for Christmas, so at least I have that to look forward to. It’s funny, because no matter how old I get it never gets any easier.

I have a headache… so I’m going to cut it short. I am back to a regular work schedule next week, so I should be back to writing regularly.

Have a wonderful evening!

Weigh-in Friday??

2009-06-19T10:19:00.002-04:00

No weigh-in today.

I'm still out of town for work.... soooo I'll have to weigh myself tomorrow morning.

I have worked out the past two days in the hotel; 1 hour cardio each day. Hopefully that will balance out the food that I have been "tasting" at work. I also got my monthly gift from Mother Nature, so I'm crossing my fingers that I haven't gained since last weigh-in. *sigh*

I'm so ready to go home.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Another year older

2009-06-17T10:45:00.001-04:00

I wanted to write sooner, but let's just say I was majorly hung over on Monday coming home from the beach... And well sleep was more important at that moment!

Apparently at 27 I still don't know how to handle alcohol. Good thing is I only blew chunks one night, the other 2 nights I was sober (for the most part).

Other than that little episode I really had a blast. We literally laid on the beach all day for 3 days. (I'm nice and bronzed!) And the house we rented was right beside the walk way to get to the beach... Seriously like a 1 minute walk.

It was AMAZING!

On a side note, G and I had our first "fight" too. Really it was more like we were both pmsing (and didn't know it) but it's all good now. :-)

I'm posting from my blackberry because I'm in Texas for work so I'll have to share more details about the trip later.

OMG! I got my match for the Big Brother/Sister program. It should be very interesting. I'll share more later about this too.

Time for me to get back to work!

Have a wonderful day!

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Weigh-in Friday!

2009-06-12T11:07:00.002-04:00

196lbs

Not my goal, but not bad!

I'm posting this from my blackberry- so hopefully it works!

I'm beach-bound! Have a wonderful weekend!

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Mission accomplished!!

2009-06-11T10:01:00.001-04:00

WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

I did it! I freakin did it!

5 hours of Cardio *check*
Blog a minimum of four times this week *check*
Write down what I eat *check*

I am super proud of myself, regardless of what the scale says tomorrow morning, I did my best this week.

You guys have no idea how POOPED I am. You should have seen me at the gym last night. It literally took every ounce of strength. Plus I didn’t want to blog about being a failure, so that was motivation as well. This morning wasn’t as bad. I stayed my fat ass on the treadmill for 65 minutes. I walked at various inclines, did sets of sprints (at 8.0!), and I RAN A MILE…

Holy SHIT!

I ran a mile (at 5.8!).

I had the idea of a “Last Chance” workout in my head, and well, I just kept running. (It certainly helped that I had 8.0 marathon man and sports bra and booty shorts girl running on the treadmills beside me. What? Don’t skinny hot people make you want to at least try to keep up?) Mind you I haven’t run a mile (without breaks) in well over a year, so this is something to be excited about! The only thing is- now that I know I can do it I’ll have to do it again. Ugh. Not exactly looking forward to it, because, well I HURT.

Seriously, my legs, butt, shins and calves are throbbing just a little.

OMG, completely random thought. I will have to do another post sometime next week about all the not so nice things you see at the gym in the morning. Seriously, is it necessary to parade your old wrinkly ass around the locker room BUCK naked? I mean I know it’s a locker room and everything but there are towels and all sorts of cute cover-ups you can wear while you put on your make up and do your hair. Seriously!

Anyways,

I am happy to report that I decided that I am going to bring my workout clothes to the beach. Depending on how hung-over I am, I may try to get up early and walk/jog along the beach a couple of days.

Today is going to be hectic, but it doesn’t matter because tomorrow at 7am I will be heading to the beach!!

Have a wonderful weekend!! Talk to you guys on Tuesday when I get back! :-)

3 days left!

2009-06-10T15:29:00.004-04:00

Well, technically I have 1.5 days left because we are leaving early Friday morning, so I won’t have time to workout then and today is almost over…so 1 ½ days left to shed these pounds.

I do have some good news to report. I got my full hour of cardio yesterday, and I did 30 minutes of weights. And I ate really well yesterday, oatmeal for breakfast, a salad with turkey and Balsamic vinaigrette, fruit for snacks throughout the day, and 2 pieces of Tilapia (about 3 oz each) and mixed veggies for dinner.

GO ME!

I have more good news to report. I got my ass up at 5:15 this morning and did 90 minutes of cardio! I burned 757 calories this morning…. Holly shit that is pretty good! I did the Elliptical for 45 minutes, and then I did the treadmill for 45 minutes. I think I am slowly becoming more fit, because I didn’t feel like I was going to die on the treadmill. I ran at 6.0 for 11 minutes (not straight through 5 minutes, then again for 6 minutes) then I walked at 3.8 at a 5.0 incline for the rest of the time. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but this is much better than what I was doing before!

GO ME!

I even wrote down what I ate yesterday and today, now I just have to log into sparkpeople.

Looks like I am on a roll! I keep telling myself that I only have 1 more day, I just have to suck it up and do it!

I’ll be heading back to the gym this evening after work for another hour of cardio. As of this morning I have a total of 3 hours of cardio in the bank. After this evening I’ll only need to squeeze in one more hour, which means I will have to get up in the morning again because I have to work late tomorrow and my best friend N is flying down tomorrow night, so I won’t really have time after work.

I actually can’t wait to get on the scale. I just know I am going to have a major loss!

Cross your fingers for me!

Four days left…

2009-06-09T12:48:00.003-04:00

I’m back on the wagon.

For real this time.

The last few days I haven’t been doing a well as I hoped. I haven’t worked out since last Thursday. I could have gone to the gym yesterday, but I pulled weeds and clipped the bushes and gave myself a manicure instead. That means I currently have 30 minutes banked towards my 5 hours of cardio this week… 4 ½ hours of cardio remaining to reach my goal.

I know.

That is the past, and I can’t do anything about it. But these next four days I still have control over, so tonight I am going to do a full hour of cardio and I’m going to do at least 20 minutes of weights. I am going hard and heavy on fruits, veggies, healthy grains and lots of water today.

I am keeping track on one goal though… this is my second post, so I have to blog at least 2 more times in the next 4 days and I will reach that goal. Now, I just need to start paying attention to the other 2 goals that I set!

I can do this.

I guess you can tell I had a good weekend.

The cookout was awesome, we had a great turnout. I put on my best Martha Stewart Hostess face and I had a blast. There was plenty of great food and, OMG… I forgot to tell you….

My girlfriend surprised me with a brand-new grill!

At first she was against the whole thing. She said, “I don’t want a whole bunch of people in my house.” Lol… whatever.

So Sunday morning she gets up early and says she has to run an errand. I get up after she leaves and go downstairs to start cleaning up. She gets home and we are standing in the kitchen and she starts opening the blinds facing the backyard and she is just chit chatting like nothing is up and I look up and there is a brand-new shiny charcoal grill sitting in the backyard. She is so freaking cute!

I most definitely have the best girlfriend ever!

So anyways… the cookout was awesome! Lots of friends came, we ate, we drank, and we played Taboo and Spades (boo, I hate spades)… and when everyone left there wasn’t that big of a mess!

This week is going to go by super fast because I have so much to do before we go.

AND

I am so excited and looking forward to this weekend!

One of my best friends from high school, I’ll call her N, is flying down on Thursday night to go with us to the beach. C and I haven’t seen her for 5 years! She is in the Air force and she has been stationed overseas for most of that time. I can’t wait to see her!! It brings back so many good memories. N and C and I were attached at the hip for most of junior and senior year of high school. I also think it’s cool because my girlfriend and G get to meet her… nothing like all my worlds colliding. H has already met her, back when we were in college. Two other friends are coming too, K and R…. they are another lesbian couple that came with us to the beach last year. They all mean so much to me, so it’s nice to have them all together!

I am sooooo ready for the beach; I am in need of some major relaxing beach time.

Until then, I am going to work hard at losing these last 7 pounds.

Wish me luck!